This is a copied text as I am too lazy to re-write to you my blog. I wrote this in an email to my friend M who had been sharing with me about fear ...
I relate very much to fear of life. Our fears may be different but the fact is I am so so scared of so many things and it holds me back.
I really wasn't as fearful before recovery but of course I have had so many layers of addictions to hide behind - not leats utter codependency on my mum. She was my courage but there was also pushed em to go beyond myself. I didn't ever ask for help as I had learned somehow that it wasn't OK to say I am scared and I need some support. I went boldly where no man had gone before - or that's how it seemd but inside I was and still am absolutely terrified.
No wonder it's difficult to take steps forwards (make decisions) these days. And asking for help with that is still tricky for me - I was taught too much pride. Often I amke decisions impulsively without thnking things through because I am too scared not too. And other times I just back out completely because I am too scared to make the choice. Extremes of the same issue.
So I do relate to your indecision.
i need help but I am not sure what kind of help to help me to stay and grow in this job.
I feel inadequate and have no sense of my style of therapy anymore. I am attempting to be like IC and PD. They work very much making links. I think it's very valid and I know clients like it as it shows them patterns and a sense of self understanding. I like that b ut I like working with the feelings first. If eel so out of pratice and so fish out of water. I am scared that as people are paying so much momey that I am not posh enough or qualified enough or professional enough - I am just not enough.
It's driving me into the ground already.
I am scared with PD leaving that leaves two of us as permanent. Who will be getting the client sonto the programme and if noone is doing that effectively then the P are unlikely to employ more staff and it will be left to Antoinette and I neither of whom are strong enough I don't think to hold the situation together on many levels. I feel petrified and therefore incapable and ewant to run
The other part of me knows I can do this job and I need some time to acclimatise. I do not want to be having to run the show which I cane asily take on as my responsibility. i can make the office run administratively and I know AW is not good at that. But it's not what I want to be doing.
I am pissed off as there will only be two permanent staff they have rostered AW and I to cover both Bank Holidays. I realise I need to speak with FC about this as i am not satisifed with this. I at least wnt the Bank Hol off at the end of May as it's my birthday weekend. well near enough.
PD has left so is not fighting the cause for the office - of course I don;t expect him to. But there is also that part of me that does expect someone else to take repsonsibility so that I am not whingeing or similar.
I am only just getting to these thoughts and how frustrated I am about it all. I tell myself I shouldn;t be afraid or anxious or irritated actually angry about such matters. I feel abadoned by PD and tricked actually. I am concerned that they are rats leaving a sinking ship and I have been conned. My pride doesn't want to let me admit this to you or to anyone. I am not happy with my pride right now.
I have just had an outburst - I think there is a little spcae now to get on with my essay
Thank Higher Power for the various meands of communication and for you my friend
Bliss
I relate very much to fear of life. Our fears may be different but the fact is I am so so scared of so many things and it holds me back.
I really wasn't as fearful before recovery but of course I have had so many layers of addictions to hide behind - not leats utter codependency on my mum. She was my courage but there was also pushed em to go beyond myself. I didn't ever ask for help as I had learned somehow that it wasn't OK to say I am scared and I need some support. I went boldly where no man had gone before - or that's how it seemd but inside I was and still am absolutely terrified.
No wonder it's difficult to take steps forwards (make decisions) these days. And asking for help with that is still tricky for me - I was taught too much pride. Often I amke decisions impulsively without thnking things through because I am too scared not too. And other times I just back out completely because I am too scared to make the choice. Extremes of the same issue.
So I do relate to your indecision.
i need help but I am not sure what kind of help to help me to stay and grow in this job.
I feel inadequate and have no sense of my style of therapy anymore. I am attempting to be like IC and PD. They work very much making links. I think it's very valid and I know clients like it as it shows them patterns and a sense of self understanding. I like that b ut I like working with the feelings first. If eel so out of pratice and so fish out of water. I am scared that as people are paying so much momey that I am not posh enough or qualified enough or professional enough - I am just not enough.
It's driving me into the ground already.
I am scared with PD leaving that leaves two of us as permanent. Who will be getting the client sonto the programme and if noone is doing that effectively then the P are unlikely to employ more staff and it will be left to Antoinette and I neither of whom are strong enough I don't think to hold the situation together on many levels. I feel petrified and therefore incapable and ewant to run
The other part of me knows I can do this job and I need some time to acclimatise. I do not want to be having to run the show which I cane asily take on as my responsibility. i can make the office run administratively and I know AW is not good at that. But it's not what I want to be doing.
I am pissed off as there will only be two permanent staff they have rostered AW and I to cover both Bank Holidays. I realise I need to speak with FC about this as i am not satisifed with this. I at least wnt the Bank Hol off at the end of May as it's my birthday weekend. well near enough.
PD has left so is not fighting the cause for the office - of course I don;t expect him to. But there is also that part of me that does expect someone else to take repsonsibility so that I am not whingeing or similar.
I am only just getting to these thoughts and how frustrated I am about it all. I tell myself I shouldn;t be afraid or anxious or irritated actually angry about such matters. I feel abadoned by PD and tricked actually. I am concerned that they are rats leaving a sinking ship and I have been conned. My pride doesn't want to let me admit this to you or to anyone. I am not happy with my pride right now.
I have just had an outburst - I think there is a little spcae now to get on with my essay
Thank Higher Power for the various meands of communication and for you my friend
Bliss
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