That time with P I felt stuck between being exclusive which I think is a horrid thing to do. And the fact that she was already "here" I felt totally controlled ie my choice to say actually no was removed. The thing is I held the resentment with her because of course I did still have the opportunity to say no but i thought it would just be too mean a thing to do.
I beat myself up for then thinking I am a nasty person because I cannot easily embrace someone. I think too I already felt that controlling from that person - it was someone who given an inch sort of thing can take a mile in various matters.
I don't yet have a solution to my awkwardness around this and so would be delighted to hear the path you take.
Fot the time being people that I discover I relate in this way - I feel abrasive with them - I try to keep at an arms length. People that I am comfortable with are the ones that I am relaxed and share time with easily and in fact want to be around as much as possible.
I hope you have a lovely day.
I am off today and so so glad. I think I could do with a couple more days off. I have been worrying about the clients since leaving on Saturday and this is not helpful. I will talk with colleagues about the switching off process.
I heard from the FRU guy again over the weekend. I am accepting that my addict fancies him without even knowing him.
Being able to verbalise it to my self and now to you of course as you said makes it a whole heap easier to do the right thing.
There were a couple of times that I threw out a hook. But thankfully got away without any repercussions I think and managed to moce on without damaging the friendly contact. It was a nice talk - a lot about him. If I can maintain a friendship with him he would bring a very grounded male perspective on things. He is a person who has seemed to just stopped the substances. Thankfully didn;t go rabbitting off about my supposed "wild" side as I like to make it out to be. Stayed adult most of the time. Going to arrange to meeet up sometime soon. I think like probably most people he has codependance going on - people-pleasing I detected. He was pretty open with me - I just kept asking lots and lots of questions.
I liked him - a lot. I didn't fancy him though. Mind you if he's incredibly good looking then I might have difficulties.
Thanks for helping me to break through my ongoing denial. I am sure it's not completely broken down but the little bit helps.
Yes in my head I have a make believe realtionship going on but if I can keep separating it from the real people I have contact with then there is a chance to develop friendships wth ther real person and see them for their qualities.
I think I can do the same with Dr A now too. For goodness sake he's just too young. I did look up Cecilia Bartoli that he had mentioned he lvoed just so that I knew what he was talking about. And yes I can see the incredible talent.I can see why Maria Callas was so so so revered but I don't understand what they are singing about?????????? How could I sit through a concert of that? Would I have the courage to tell him. He would hate me and thnk me uncultured etc etc. But its the truth. I could sit through the Aria's or a philharmonic orchestra concert of say Vivaldi or Bach or Beethoven - or like we did in Regents Park - I love the music even though I know little about it. It cang et right right right inside of me. Mmmmmm - well let's see what happens next.
I am certain he doesn't fancy me. He really is too young and good looking. I think he is just so passionate about the arts he seems to just fix and talk about it I think without even seeing who he is talkign to. This is what I have surmised anyway. Mmmm thanks good to write and put perspective on things as I write
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