Here are all the thngs I removed.............
Ask me why I will tell you
xxxxx
Like pushing marshmallows into a moneybox anonymous from Braintree, Essex
As you always have, Bliss, you're going to find, yet again and forevermore, that the hard and difficult stuff only ever seemed hard and difficult, before you began it.
Bet you feel better now, huh?Begin it, The Universe
Pah! Hard and difficult - I cut contact this afternoon with C - it feels really difficult right now.
I am off to S therapist in a moment and have been calling out. I feel mean and nasty (there's my codependance), he was being so nice to me yet it was all crumbs - he has a partner and daughter. He said he was disappointed. He asked how long I would be seeing my therapist as I said that was to do with it. I asked him to trust it was nothing to do with him. I don;t think he believed me. I am now scared that he won;t want contact with me if and when I do make contact again. He may try to make me pay - I think he is a damaged little oy you see and I just damaged him some more. He said his circumstances mught be different but he is unlikely to change things without someone as a prompt - that in itself is so unhealthy.
He arrived at 652am. I answered the door naked as per his request. He said this afternoon he was going to say that I didn;t have to have sex and maybe we could go out for the day instead but as I answered the door naked .......... I risked being seen by neighbours all day dancing around naked - him too.
My flat of course has not been exposed to this before now. It is tarnished somehow. The walls are so paper thin my neighbours will have heard all the sex antics. We had sex a lot - it was good despite his "marshmallow in a moneybox" type willy. It wasn't straight forward. I didn't feel able to run around the room as he requested, but we did other stuff that was easy to do as I don;t really know him. If we ever got to know each other better I wouldn;t be able to do the same things. That's how it's always been.
I feel a bit spaced out - a whole day in bed having sex. No revision of course. Left LouLou at A's. See it was all planned out so well. I asked him what his klans were for the future, he said he didn't have any. Then I dropped the bombshell. There were not going to be any. I need to cut contact.
I think he said he doesn;t plan so that he didn't have to get hooked into anything serious with me. Then when I said that he was disappointed - he used the d-word. Struck me in my heart.
I talked a little about my dad and the past. He said he had been concerned for me on Saturday and had considered coming over. He didn't though did he!!! He couldn't, he has a partner.
He also made sure he left on time - no hanging around. Priority at home. Of course.
I need t be realistic and get away from this fantasy relationship I have created. The One. And it's not Neo it's just another The One!
Well I will continue writing this later as right now I need to leave to head to Yateley. Just down the road from C.
He said he wouldn't make contact - he said I know where he is if I want to make contact. I want him to send a text or an email anyway. He hasn't so far. I want to send him a text to say sorry and thank you. I doubt he will. He said he might go along on 27th June adding if he's invited. I said of course you're invited hoping above all hope he goes. I will want to see him but if he's hooked up with another - ouch.
I know I am going to suffer severe withdrawals. Unlike John the relationship is just beginning really. And I tricked him into a day of sex ...... and then told him. How fucking mean I am. I should have told before so that he could make a reasonable choice.
SHIT! Man I hate this illness of addiction and this is the worst manifestation of it.
I am so fucking powerless.
I hope from here on I can be writing about recovery adn growth and joy.
I hope C will be OK and will perhaps recover himself from his pain. He said what't the use of contentment when you're dead. I feel his life is so empty and sad. He says it's just how it is. He doesn;t understand the need for therapy. I think he would benefit hugely.
I miss him already - no more sex texts, no more emails. No more male attention.
Fuck fuck fuck
More later - leaving now for sure
Ask me why I will tell you
xxxxx
Like pushing marshmallows into a moneybox anonymous from Braintree, Essex
As you always have, Bliss, you're going to find, yet again and forevermore, that the hard and difficult stuff only ever seemed hard and difficult, before you began it.
Bet you feel better now, huh?Begin it, The Universe
Pah! Hard and difficult - I cut contact this afternoon with C - it feels really difficult right now.
I am off to S therapist in a moment and have been calling out. I feel mean and nasty (there's my codependance), he was being so nice to me yet it was all crumbs - he has a partner and daughter. He said he was disappointed. He asked how long I would be seeing my therapist as I said that was to do with it. I asked him to trust it was nothing to do with him. I don;t think he believed me. I am now scared that he won;t want contact with me if and when I do make contact again. He may try to make me pay - I think he is a damaged little oy you see and I just damaged him some more. He said his circumstances mught be different but he is unlikely to change things without someone as a prompt - that in itself is so unhealthy.
He arrived at 652am. I answered the door naked as per his request. He said this afternoon he was going to say that I didn;t have to have sex and maybe we could go out for the day instead but as I answered the door naked .......... I risked being seen by neighbours all day dancing around naked - him too.
My flat of course has not been exposed to this before now. It is tarnished somehow. The walls are so paper thin my neighbours will have heard all the sex antics. We had sex a lot - it was good despite his "marshmallow in a moneybox" type willy. It wasn't straight forward. I didn't feel able to run around the room as he requested, but we did other stuff that was easy to do as I don;t really know him. If we ever got to know each other better I wouldn;t be able to do the same things. That's how it's always been.
I feel a bit spaced out - a whole day in bed having sex. No revision of course. Left LouLou at A's. See it was all planned out so well. I asked him what his klans were for the future, he said he didn't have any. Then I dropped the bombshell. There were not going to be any. I need to cut contact.
I think he said he doesn;t plan so that he didn't have to get hooked into anything serious with me. Then when I said that he was disappointed - he used the d-word. Struck me in my heart.
I talked a little about my dad and the past. He said he had been concerned for me on Saturday and had considered coming over. He didn't though did he!!! He couldn't, he has a partner.
He also made sure he left on time - no hanging around. Priority at home. Of course.
I need t be realistic and get away from this fantasy relationship I have created. The One. And it's not Neo it's just another The One!
Well I will continue writing this later as right now I need to leave to head to Yateley. Just down the road from C.
He said he wouldn't make contact - he said I know where he is if I want to make contact. I want him to send a text or an email anyway. He hasn't so far. I want to send him a text to say sorry and thank you. I doubt he will. He said he might go along on 27th June adding if he's invited. I said of course you're invited hoping above all hope he goes. I will want to see him but if he's hooked up with another - ouch.
I know I am going to suffer severe withdrawals. Unlike John the relationship is just beginning really. And I tricked him into a day of sex ...... and then told him. How fucking mean I am. I should have told before so that he could make a reasonable choice.
SHIT! Man I hate this illness of addiction and this is the worst manifestation of it.
I am so fucking powerless.
I hope from here on I can be writing about recovery adn growth and joy.
I hope C will be OK and will perhaps recover himself from his pain. He said what't the use of contentment when you're dead. I feel his life is so empty and sad. He says it's just how it is. He doesn;t understand the need for therapy. I think he would benefit hugely.
I miss him already - no more sex texts, no more emails. No more male attention.
Fuck fuck fuck
More later - leaving now for sure
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