Not just what they chose, but what they're choosing.
Game on,
The Universe
Master awoke me at 6 am as he does every morning. I heard him calling through my dream in which my friend Atilla had been murdered!!! I am heving incredibly busy dreams. I was also so tired I didn;t think it could possibly be time to wake up.
Master wanted to look at me but I felt I am so wretched right now I tried to hide from him but this meant that he would not allow me to see him either. So of course I showed myself.
Master told me what he was doing as he placed his hand on my lower tummy with his finger just in the beginning of my slit. In his other hand he took one of my breasts. I felt completely his. It was a comforting feeling. Master knows that I am feeling so horrid at the moment.
Master said he wanted to make love with me and asked if that would be OK. I said yes of course and apologised for being so lacking in energy.
I am very very grateful how Master is so considerate of me. And not with high expectations of me too.
When he told me he must leave I really thgouth I would not see him until he summoned me this evening but then Master decided to sit and eat his breakfast with me beside him. I feel so much love for Master. I am very pleased that he seems lighter in himself. Master has seemed so pressured these last few weeks. I have been concerned about him.
I just noticed the sunrise - incredible how these colours are really felt deep inside me. The same with the autumn colours. It's as if I can breathe them in and then they swirl around and ignite my soul, like crisp, fresh air can fill my lungs. It's a similar feeling but somewhere so much deeper and even more a part of me, it's my spirit.
Last night when Master was speaking with me, he asked is I was fulfilling my slave responsibilities. I felt very ashamed but had to admit that I was not. I asked Master if even though I am feeling as I am I had to comply. Master smilingly said that he had not told me I could stop. I groaned and he smiled again. I really am having to do this ebcause I am a slave at this time and not because I am so willing. And yet I have chosen this commitment. I suppose I could ask to break out but it's commitment, commitment, commitment. Not to run when the going gets a little tougher. But PHEW! It feels difficult right now.
I woke up tired. I woke up hrting. I woke up and I want time at home just doing nothing for a few days. I realise now that when I was working with N - twice a year I had a couple of weeks of feeling really ill. I thought it was a virus but the symptoms were not dissimilar. I may have got a cold when already feeling so achey, and lethargic, and headaches, and general mallaise. I really would like time off work now but as they don't pay for sickness (grrrrr - sure it's not permitted) I cannot afford to take time off. With N it was always 2 weeks. I would always think that a week was plenty long enough but actually it took at least 2 weeks. There were times when I did have a flu-like bug too but I am certain that it occurred when my ebb was low. Last year at this time or towards the end of November I developed Swine flu - the start of SL. Leading me towards meeting Master.
Well I have to continue with my work regardless of feeling quite unwell. And I am to continue with my slave requirements. Right!
I feel increcible love for Master at this time. I have found it odd yet interesting to observe how the love between us changes - up and down - more or less - close and further away. It is a dance. Sometimes it seems that we are very very much in love and floating. At other times, it seems a little flat.
I have come to observe that it is not at it's fullest all of the time. This is usual I suppose. I have thought that if I notice Master isn;t so much in love with me then he is losing it completely. And I have thought in the past the same for me. But I am beginning to realise that life things happen and moods alter and things go up and down.
But it's not as extreme as I have always imagined. If it's less than full it doesn't mean it's time to leave.
This is a revelation to me.
What I am wondering now is how to manage these shifts and changes. If there is a lowering of love feeling, is it time to just notice and be anyway. Is it necessary to men tion anything. I wiould be afraid to say to Master that I feel less love. I also realise that it is not a feeling generated by him. The feeling is in me. Master has been himself when last my love was feeling lower. So it's not anything he is doing or not doing. And I need to remember that for myself too.
When something he is doing or being does evoke a feeling in me it is possible to speak about that - open communication as much as possible. But when it's just shifting emotion - well I can sense the shift in Master I am certain. Not always accurately narrated in my head of course!!!
I need to go and get ready for work.
Master is well on his way and wll see me this evening I believe
Poo it's hard to get going. My tummy aches - not inside - as if it's stretched - well it is.
Bliss
X
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