"I punched you on the nose once!". "I know", I calmly replied, nodding and maintaining eye contact. "I remember all the blood on my school blouse and how I ran out of the house shouting, "you've done it now!"
Then my dad said it had haunted him ever since and that he was sorry. Both inside and outside I felt very still, peaceful.
This conversation seemed to come out of the blue. But actually things have been heading in this direction for probably a few years now. The first big change for me was when I told him I was going to Spain. I faced my terror or telling him. I left it right up until the last minute. He protested, of course. However, I thanked him for his thoughts and said I would be back in April. I think it was last year or maybe the year before when I said that I would no longer call him as when I did there seemed to be a worse atmosphere than if he called me. I have crossed this boundary from time to time. On the occasion when my desire for my dad or a need for his input has driven me to call. But the experience was always as expected and gradually I have been able to remind myself not to call. And sure enough he has called me. I told him at that time I think or maybe another time how I feel about something very important - damn I can't remember what it is now. I think it was to do with the way he talks to me on the phone or something along those lines. On occasions we have met, I have not been drawn in to his negativity about me. The conversations have been getting lighter and lighter I think. Oh did tell him how I had felt when he had kissed his step daughters and shook my hand. of course after that he stepped forward to kiss me on the cheek as we said goodbye and I nearly vomited. That has become easier to receive although I do not make myself available for that.
When we met sometime around October or November, can't quite remember when, my dad said he was proud of me in relation to the studying I am doing and the work that I now do. He gave me some money. I have never asked him for any money at all since mum died. And he told me that he was leaving his medals to me in his will. I wrote to him to thank him for the money. I also said how him being proud of me meant so much. I think I mentioned that I don't recall him having said that before. I told him how honoured I felt that he would consider leaving me his medals knowing how important they are to him.
These are just snippets of years of change in me that I think have partially contributed to today's conversation. Also of course I behave very differently today. I am still me, perhaps more me than ever before. I am sure this must be conveyed during our interaction. I wonder though if he is or has been working on himself too. He is remarkable different. Or maybe he is really mellowing with his age.
In relation to the event mentioned at the beginning of this entry, I could recall us arguing at the top of the stairs. He pointed out that I had sneaked out and he was angry with me. I protested, saying that I was in my school uniform. Since a young child I had come home from school to an empty house. I was always expected to fend for myself. Of course this meant I was probably quite feral even though I knew the rules. I didn't say this to my dad today. I did say that I thought he had come home early from work and maybe found me not at home. But he said I had sneaked out. I could not remember this detail. So we spoke about how angry he always seemed. I asked him if he was angry. And that triggered various conversations about his military past and his own childhood.
He was evacuated from London when he was about 7 or 9 years old. Him and Uncle Mick, sent away from their mum and his older brother Uncle Frank. At this point he made a comment about his mother thinking that Uncle Frank won the war single handed when he didn't see half the front line service my dad had seen. I could see the anger with his mother at that moment (I have always heard his hatred - anger - for her) They returned when dad was about 12 years old he thinks. He was sent to a family in Kings Langley, near Watford. He said that their mother always dressed them very well. The kids at school in London used to take the mickey out of them but it was much worse when they got to Kings Langley. So he and Uncle Mick would hide their coats on the way to school. He seemed to imply they had good coats and remembers this being the cause of them being bullied. One day on the way home he got one of the boys and pummelled him to a pulp. I could see the relief on my dads face as he said it. And then they ran and hid because they knew they would get in trouble. The bullied becomes the bully.
My dad could remember that during the air raids they had to go into Maida Vale tube station. All the people lying around and some even on the tracks. This he really emphasised. And then the people were moved off the tracks when a train had to pass through. He said as a boy he recalled seeing the train pass slowly by with all bodies. I said did you see the bodies then? He replied "I could only see bags" I suppose he must have heard the adults saying something about the bodies. He said it was so horrible. He was there when he said it it seemed to me.
Oh and he said the people he and Uncle Mick had to live with weren't nice to them. They ate dog biscuits because they didn't get much food. I wonder if this was true????
The we spoke a little about his military service. He talked about being in Korea. There was a time they were escorting a train of dead Americans. He said something about people trying to steal from the bodies and his troop had to keep them away. Then they came across a load of deserters who also tried to rob the bodies and he gave orders, shoot to kill. And then there were Koreans who tried to cross the borders as stow-aways on the train. They had to clear them off the roof. One time a woman fell off the roof onto the tracks. She lost her arm and leg under the train. My dad said it was a horrid decision leaving her there to bleed to death or dispose of her were his words.
Some of this was prompted when I spoke about encounters with military people within my field of work and how I can see a certain something that seems common. I can see it as something that is shut down so firmly, like a little bit of soul has been killed. I didn't say that last bit to my dad. I mentioned how I had met up with CY and seen it in him. My dad could remember CY from Reid's Farm and his sister DY.
He talked about how FC framed him one time. Something to do with a note being found in the dry cleaners under my dads trousers. He said it was something to do with police corruption. I am not sure. I remember there being a big problem for him involving a boy at the swimming baths or something. I am not clear on the details. He described how two police officers were sent to speak with him about this letter that had been found but there was a satisfactory outcome for him.
Then he talked about my friend LK. He said he could tell me things that would shock me about her. Now I know that she wasn't allowed to come and stay as there was some accusation about his inappropriate behaviour towards her. I think he was wriggling out of things here. Too difficult for him to own? I don;t know.
I was thinking for a while that I should say and do you remember doing this to me????????? But I couldn't. I am just not ready.
I said that I had always felt he was so strict with me. My friends could do things and I couldn't. And at times I was naughty but actually I was rebelling because I didn't know what else to do. He then said that he knows he was trying to make me behave how he thought I should. Some of it was trying too hard to protect me. But he can see how he was stopping me from being the individual I was.
Other things were discussed. If I remember more specifics I will add them.
As we departed, I was struggling not to scream with emotional pain. I expelled really odd sounds. I managed to hold it together until I was no longer driving behind him. And then let it out. Somehow I so so wanted my daddy. Like a little girl I really wanted him to hold me and tell me everything was OK. And that he loved me. But of course it is impossible to get that now. Whilst there is a little girl in me still, she does not physically exist now. And with my dad owning some of his behaviour, I would not feel safe despite my longing.
At the same time I was flipping angry. Suddenly I thought I could not feel how I have felt all these years because he is suddenly owning something. It took speaking to a very very good friend to be reminded that I still have the feelings I have always had. And just because he is taking some responsibility I do not have to forgive here and now. I will need time to digest what I have heard. All the horrors and his denial have defined me for so long. Wow! Such a complicated mix of emotions. I felt in shock too.
When speaking with AM, I was stuttering like a child and spluttering with air and tears all at the same time.
Am listened and said she cannot imagine what it must be like after all this time for me to have an apology, some ownership for something that has been so hurtful for as long as I can remember. I think perhaps he is trying to own and say sorry for it all. I guess it is up to me to bring the greater things to the discussion. I would probably kill him if he talked about other things that he did. I think I really need a session or two with SC. I will call him on Monday.
This is a big thing. I felt absolutely drained emotionally. I was physically tired.
But I shopped for AB's birthday present. I bought some arty stuff for me. And then went off to a lovely evening birthday celebration with AB. Her sister and mum were there. We had the cake and pressie opening ceremony, we played an anagram game and then went off for an Indian meal. It was all lovely. And always I feel very warm amidst their family. AB is a very very important friend to me. She was delighted it seemed that I wrote to my "BESTEST" friend in her card.
I am now home and really missing JH. Wondering what he is doing? How his flight was? What his accommodation is like? Would like to just be held by him tonight after all of this weird day.
Sad. I want to be able to love and to be loved and for him to be able to love me.
JH said as I was driving to meet my dad, that he hoped something good would come of the meeting. I responded saying that I would look for the good. This was positivity that I ignore. I know the bad and look for the bad. So to go with a different attitude was good for me. Helpful and after the uplifting through speaking with ET, things were beginning to look less gloomy. I could go with some peace. Of course the difficult feelings of not being on the travel adventure continue to wash over me.
I never imagined in my lifetime this conversation could have taken place. I never thought my dad would ever take ownership and offer any apology for anything. It is an incredible day. I guess it might not have happened ever should I have been flying instead of meeting my dad. Who knows the order of the world, only the Universe does.
Now I need to be gentle and let this sink in. I need to consider all that this means to me.
I think it significant that always in times involving my dad and extreme abuse things I can only really speak the emotions with AM. I can talk with the others afterwards. AM truly, truly hears my deepest emotions without me having to say them.
Thank goodness for great friends and people in my life.
It;s a little less dark deep inside me tonight.
Thank you Universe
Bliss
X
Then my dad said it had haunted him ever since and that he was sorry. Both inside and outside I felt very still, peaceful.
This conversation seemed to come out of the blue. But actually things have been heading in this direction for probably a few years now. The first big change for me was when I told him I was going to Spain. I faced my terror or telling him. I left it right up until the last minute. He protested, of course. However, I thanked him for his thoughts and said I would be back in April. I think it was last year or maybe the year before when I said that I would no longer call him as when I did there seemed to be a worse atmosphere than if he called me. I have crossed this boundary from time to time. On the occasion when my desire for my dad or a need for his input has driven me to call. But the experience was always as expected and gradually I have been able to remind myself not to call. And sure enough he has called me. I told him at that time I think or maybe another time how I feel about something very important - damn I can't remember what it is now. I think it was to do with the way he talks to me on the phone or something along those lines. On occasions we have met, I have not been drawn in to his negativity about me. The conversations have been getting lighter and lighter I think. Oh did tell him how I had felt when he had kissed his step daughters and shook my hand. of course after that he stepped forward to kiss me on the cheek as we said goodbye and I nearly vomited. That has become easier to receive although I do not make myself available for that.
When we met sometime around October or November, can't quite remember when, my dad said he was proud of me in relation to the studying I am doing and the work that I now do. He gave me some money. I have never asked him for any money at all since mum died. And he told me that he was leaving his medals to me in his will. I wrote to him to thank him for the money. I also said how him being proud of me meant so much. I think I mentioned that I don't recall him having said that before. I told him how honoured I felt that he would consider leaving me his medals knowing how important they are to him.
These are just snippets of years of change in me that I think have partially contributed to today's conversation. Also of course I behave very differently today. I am still me, perhaps more me than ever before. I am sure this must be conveyed during our interaction. I wonder though if he is or has been working on himself too. He is remarkable different. Or maybe he is really mellowing with his age.
In relation to the event mentioned at the beginning of this entry, I could recall us arguing at the top of the stairs. He pointed out that I had sneaked out and he was angry with me. I protested, saying that I was in my school uniform. Since a young child I had come home from school to an empty house. I was always expected to fend for myself. Of course this meant I was probably quite feral even though I knew the rules. I didn't say this to my dad today. I did say that I thought he had come home early from work and maybe found me not at home. But he said I had sneaked out. I could not remember this detail. So we spoke about how angry he always seemed. I asked him if he was angry. And that triggered various conversations about his military past and his own childhood.
He was evacuated from London when he was about 7 or 9 years old. Him and Uncle Mick, sent away from their mum and his older brother Uncle Frank. At this point he made a comment about his mother thinking that Uncle Frank won the war single handed when he didn't see half the front line service my dad had seen. I could see the anger with his mother at that moment (I have always heard his hatred - anger - for her) They returned when dad was about 12 years old he thinks. He was sent to a family in Kings Langley, near Watford. He said that their mother always dressed them very well. The kids at school in London used to take the mickey out of them but it was much worse when they got to Kings Langley. So he and Uncle Mick would hide their coats on the way to school. He seemed to imply they had good coats and remembers this being the cause of them being bullied. One day on the way home he got one of the boys and pummelled him to a pulp. I could see the relief on my dads face as he said it. And then they ran and hid because they knew they would get in trouble. The bullied becomes the bully.
My dad could remember that during the air raids they had to go into Maida Vale tube station. All the people lying around and some even on the tracks. This he really emphasised. And then the people were moved off the tracks when a train had to pass through. He said as a boy he recalled seeing the train pass slowly by with all bodies. I said did you see the bodies then? He replied "I could only see bags" I suppose he must have heard the adults saying something about the bodies. He said it was so horrible. He was there when he said it it seemed to me.
Oh and he said the people he and Uncle Mick had to live with weren't nice to them. They ate dog biscuits because they didn't get much food. I wonder if this was true????
The we spoke a little about his military service. He talked about being in Korea. There was a time they were escorting a train of dead Americans. He said something about people trying to steal from the bodies and his troop had to keep them away. Then they came across a load of deserters who also tried to rob the bodies and he gave orders, shoot to kill. And then there were Koreans who tried to cross the borders as stow-aways on the train. They had to clear them off the roof. One time a woman fell off the roof onto the tracks. She lost her arm and leg under the train. My dad said it was a horrid decision leaving her there to bleed to death or dispose of her were his words.
Some of this was prompted when I spoke about encounters with military people within my field of work and how I can see a certain something that seems common. I can see it as something that is shut down so firmly, like a little bit of soul has been killed. I didn't say that last bit to my dad. I mentioned how I had met up with CY and seen it in him. My dad could remember CY from Reid's Farm and his sister DY.
He talked about how FC framed him one time. Something to do with a note being found in the dry cleaners under my dads trousers. He said it was something to do with police corruption. I am not sure. I remember there being a big problem for him involving a boy at the swimming baths or something. I am not clear on the details. He described how two police officers were sent to speak with him about this letter that had been found but there was a satisfactory outcome for him.
Then he talked about my friend LK. He said he could tell me things that would shock me about her. Now I know that she wasn't allowed to come and stay as there was some accusation about his inappropriate behaviour towards her. I think he was wriggling out of things here. Too difficult for him to own? I don;t know.
I was thinking for a while that I should say and do you remember doing this to me????????? But I couldn't. I am just not ready.
I said that I had always felt he was so strict with me. My friends could do things and I couldn't. And at times I was naughty but actually I was rebelling because I didn't know what else to do. He then said that he knows he was trying to make me behave how he thought I should. Some of it was trying too hard to protect me. But he can see how he was stopping me from being the individual I was.
Other things were discussed. If I remember more specifics I will add them.
As we departed, I was struggling not to scream with emotional pain. I expelled really odd sounds. I managed to hold it together until I was no longer driving behind him. And then let it out. Somehow I so so wanted my daddy. Like a little girl I really wanted him to hold me and tell me everything was OK. And that he loved me. But of course it is impossible to get that now. Whilst there is a little girl in me still, she does not physically exist now. And with my dad owning some of his behaviour, I would not feel safe despite my longing.
At the same time I was flipping angry. Suddenly I thought I could not feel how I have felt all these years because he is suddenly owning something. It took speaking to a very very good friend to be reminded that I still have the feelings I have always had. And just because he is taking some responsibility I do not have to forgive here and now. I will need time to digest what I have heard. All the horrors and his denial have defined me for so long. Wow! Such a complicated mix of emotions. I felt in shock too.
When speaking with AM, I was stuttering like a child and spluttering with air and tears all at the same time.
Am listened and said she cannot imagine what it must be like after all this time for me to have an apology, some ownership for something that has been so hurtful for as long as I can remember. I think perhaps he is trying to own and say sorry for it all. I guess it is up to me to bring the greater things to the discussion. I would probably kill him if he talked about other things that he did. I think I really need a session or two with SC. I will call him on Monday.
This is a big thing. I felt absolutely drained emotionally. I was physically tired.
But I shopped for AB's birthday present. I bought some arty stuff for me. And then went off to a lovely evening birthday celebration with AB. Her sister and mum were there. We had the cake and pressie opening ceremony, we played an anagram game and then went off for an Indian meal. It was all lovely. And always I feel very warm amidst their family. AB is a very very important friend to me. She was delighted it seemed that I wrote to my "BESTEST" friend in her card.
I am now home and really missing JH. Wondering what he is doing? How his flight was? What his accommodation is like? Would like to just be held by him tonight after all of this weird day.
Sad. I want to be able to love and to be loved and for him to be able to love me.
JH said as I was driving to meet my dad, that he hoped something good would come of the meeting. I responded saying that I would look for the good. This was positivity that I ignore. I know the bad and look for the bad. So to go with a different attitude was good for me. Helpful and after the uplifting through speaking with ET, things were beginning to look less gloomy. I could go with some peace. Of course the difficult feelings of not being on the travel adventure continue to wash over me.
I never imagined in my lifetime this conversation could have taken place. I never thought my dad would ever take ownership and offer any apology for anything. It is an incredible day. I guess it might not have happened ever should I have been flying instead of meeting my dad. Who knows the order of the world, only the Universe does.
Now I need to be gentle and let this sink in. I need to consider all that this means to me.
I think it significant that always in times involving my dad and extreme abuse things I can only really speak the emotions with AM. I can talk with the others afterwards. AM truly, truly hears my deepest emotions without me having to say them.
Thank goodness for great friends and people in my life.
It;s a little less dark deep inside me tonight.
Thank you Universe
Bliss
X
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