I am using this like a journal and my journal is full of unfinished sentences and bits of tickets from travels and pictures I cut out of diagrams I draw and my own attempts at sketches etc etc etc.
It's a blessing to have another outlet other than talking and thinking gets me in a muddle if I try to work it out on my own.
The worry is that passers-by get a look inside my mind. Mainly I am anonymous though - so take care if you are reading this.
It's a forest in my mind and possibly you need to keep a careful note of your path in
Even as I write that I do myself a dis-service. I think it's a beautiful forest, with paths leading into sensational openings within the forest canopy - where such marvels can be witnessed. There are dark areas with unknown dangers and some known dangers too. The paths can look as they go to nowhere and some end where they started. There are all sorts of fantastic colours and electric sparkles and shooting stars can be seen beneath the treeline. It's a universe of its own with beauty to be beheld.
Just take care because it's my mind you enter. You might at times forget as its so familiar and then take a wrong turn thinking you know the path so well.
My mind is so full and my emotions so muddled.
I feel sad oh so sad. I feel loss and with it a cavern of emptiness that is being left behind with the withdrawal.
I feel fear. I feel sad sad sad sad sad. It hurts.
This thing called love, Falling in love -
I would like some level of commitment - yes that's what I would like. At least some sort of commitment of togetherness. And I am not sure if that's what is not available. I don't know.
I don't know what I need to do? I don't know whether to turn left or right or turn at all.
I don;t know what to do .......
I sometimes get angry - it seems that this causes problems. Sometimes I just need to sound off and let the anger dissipate and calm the fears. Ranting but its a bark not a bite. I have always stood still even e=when angry. I do not punish. At least I don't thinks so.
I wonder if I can be accepted as I am looking to be able to accept?
There are so man y things I like and love and the thought of not having those intimately in my life. I miss sexual intimacy. I miss the lightness of sharing thoughts and questions and interest and muddling through interpretations of life. And sometimes there are differences that clash - why can't we have those and work through them - isn't that where strength and knowing and trust can grow?
I am sure with time the hurt will heal but I would rather wish to nurture the love. I am afraid that this will be denied. I will heal it's just the hurt right now that is so so horrid.
I can look into it - I see what it is. I just know there is the possibility of more and its the loss of that too.
It's not about the actions - it's so not. I feel insecure of course - some of my own stuff and some of that has been the behaviour with deceit. I need some support and respect and trust - so that the insecurity isn't nurtured and the trust can be developed. Is that possible? I am so scared that the answer is no because of course that means he is leaving .......
This time is good to meander through the forest of thoughts. I will keep meandering.
Happy thoughts exist too - I will write about that path too
he he he. I try not to go in alone (as they say in the rooms)
This relationship with JH - passionate and also painful.
Great when its good! That's what I hate thinking of being without.
I am relieved for this week of radio silence to really assimilate - carefully to try and maintain balance.
I feel heart-broken - I keep trying to stand still and work through anything and everything with JH - it seems right away that any problem he withdraws. I don't know if that's actually true but that is how it appears. So I then think I am standing alone with the problem.
I ended us being couples. It seemed to difficult for me to deal with the withdrawal from me.
I see that JH is OK. He is doing what he wants and needs to do. He doesn't need to make changes because it's his path. He does not ave space at this time to consider another. If everything is smooth then he is available to manage the other things but if this is rough he has no more capacity or desire to deal with this too.
I have thoughts racing - thank God I have outlets to share my feelings with and let my thoughts out and get some rational steadiness.
I have faith in God, the Universe, whatever anyone wants to call it. It doesn't need a name or a label within me because I sense it through, within and around me. I feel a need to invest more energy into the relationship with my Higher Power. I falter ... the things take over. Just sat and listened - meditation. Trying to punch all my thoughts away each time they encroached.
Not sure what I can hear but I trust that I am hearing. I trust.
There are situations that appear more important for JH to have fulfilled - unconsciously? Is that even the case? Is it relevant to me?It seems so - I am afraid.
Uhm another thought raced across my mind - wow I hope no one thinks I am making conclusions from these thoughts. Its just a way to register the action potentials that are racing around my mind - which I assume is somewhere in the amazing world of my brain.
I was thinking today about JH's comment that his friend made from which I heard how it's not healthy for one to claim from another.
I couldn't agree more. I never ever want to do that and would love to celebrate JH's choices of friendships. There is just this dishonesty from the start that only started emerging with time. And with the emerging truths came a realisation that something isn't OK when it's being hidden.
What I really really hate is how I react - I clearly need time to vent. My insecurities are triggered by the lack of honesty. And then I feel scared and hurt and that needs to be vented. I so want JH to do this differently but I know I cannot change anyone. I would like to be different to ....
I really, really have never liked to try and force anyone to do or be anything they don't want to be. And I suppose when I think of that if JH wants to be dishonest with me then that is his perogative. I have such love for him I haven't walked away even though it has been so hurtful. I don't know what is truth and what is not.
I have no desire whatsoever to try to tell who or how or what - I have to make my decisions based on what is presented to me.
I do feel so hurt by the dishonesty. I feel love for many many things and ways.
I feel misunderstood when I say I feel distrust - it seems to get turned around as if it's my fault.
Of course I would love nothing more than for JH to change and change his mind. To want to be with me and to want to be boundaried and honest and transparent.
I feel confused.
I wonder too how JH would feel if it were the other way around - it isn't I know and so that is hypothetical nonsense. But I wonder nonetheless.
I wonder what he thinks of me loving him. And how I keep staying despite the hurting. I wonder about a lot of things and strings.
I miss sex with JH and wonder what he does for sex now - it was him that said he had a high libido so he surely must be satisfying that somehow. But says not to me.
He says he is going to Stockholm but he had not mentioned that to me until his email.
And if he behaves with me as he does when he simply being a friend then how has he been with others? There have been mixed messages - I don't believe that's my imagination.
Rambling Bliss
X
It's a blessing to have another outlet other than talking and thinking gets me in a muddle if I try to work it out on my own.
The worry is that passers-by get a look inside my mind. Mainly I am anonymous though - so take care if you are reading this.
It's a forest in my mind and possibly you need to keep a careful note of your path in
Even as I write that I do myself a dis-service. I think it's a beautiful forest, with paths leading into sensational openings within the forest canopy - where such marvels can be witnessed. There are dark areas with unknown dangers and some known dangers too. The paths can look as they go to nowhere and some end where they started. There are all sorts of fantastic colours and electric sparkles and shooting stars can be seen beneath the treeline. It's a universe of its own with beauty to be beheld.
Just take care because it's my mind you enter. You might at times forget as its so familiar and then take a wrong turn thinking you know the path so well.
My mind is so full and my emotions so muddled.
I feel sad oh so sad. I feel loss and with it a cavern of emptiness that is being left behind with the withdrawal.
I feel fear. I feel sad sad sad sad sad. It hurts.
This thing called love, Falling in love -
I would like some level of commitment - yes that's what I would like. At least some sort of commitment of togetherness. And I am not sure if that's what is not available. I don't know.
I don't know what I need to do? I don't know whether to turn left or right or turn at all.
I don;t know what to do .......
I sometimes get angry - it seems that this causes problems. Sometimes I just need to sound off and let the anger dissipate and calm the fears. Ranting but its a bark not a bite. I have always stood still even e=when angry. I do not punish. At least I don't thinks so.
I wonder if I can be accepted as I am looking to be able to accept?
There are so man y things I like and love and the thought of not having those intimately in my life. I miss sexual intimacy. I miss the lightness of sharing thoughts and questions and interest and muddling through interpretations of life. And sometimes there are differences that clash - why can't we have those and work through them - isn't that where strength and knowing and trust can grow?
I am sure with time the hurt will heal but I would rather wish to nurture the love. I am afraid that this will be denied. I will heal it's just the hurt right now that is so so horrid.
I can look into it - I see what it is. I just know there is the possibility of more and its the loss of that too.
It's not about the actions - it's so not. I feel insecure of course - some of my own stuff and some of that has been the behaviour with deceit. I need some support and respect and trust - so that the insecurity isn't nurtured and the trust can be developed. Is that possible? I am so scared that the answer is no because of course that means he is leaving .......
This time is good to meander through the forest of thoughts. I will keep meandering.
Happy thoughts exist too - I will write about that path too
he he he. I try not to go in alone (as they say in the rooms)
This relationship with JH - passionate and also painful.
Great when its good! That's what I hate thinking of being without.
I am relieved for this week of radio silence to really assimilate - carefully to try and maintain balance.
I feel heart-broken - I keep trying to stand still and work through anything and everything with JH - it seems right away that any problem he withdraws. I don't know if that's actually true but that is how it appears. So I then think I am standing alone with the problem.
I ended us being couples. It seemed to difficult for me to deal with the withdrawal from me.
I see that JH is OK. He is doing what he wants and needs to do. He doesn't need to make changes because it's his path. He does not ave space at this time to consider another. If everything is smooth then he is available to manage the other things but if this is rough he has no more capacity or desire to deal with this too.
I have thoughts racing - thank God I have outlets to share my feelings with and let my thoughts out and get some rational steadiness.
I have faith in God, the Universe, whatever anyone wants to call it. It doesn't need a name or a label within me because I sense it through, within and around me. I feel a need to invest more energy into the relationship with my Higher Power. I falter ... the things take over. Just sat and listened - meditation. Trying to punch all my thoughts away each time they encroached.
Not sure what I can hear but I trust that I am hearing. I trust.
There are situations that appear more important for JH to have fulfilled - unconsciously? Is that even the case? Is it relevant to me?It seems so - I am afraid.
Uhm another thought raced across my mind - wow I hope no one thinks I am making conclusions from these thoughts. Its just a way to register the action potentials that are racing around my mind - which I assume is somewhere in the amazing world of my brain.
I was thinking today about JH's comment that his friend made from which I heard how it's not healthy for one to claim from another.
I couldn't agree more. I never ever want to do that and would love to celebrate JH's choices of friendships. There is just this dishonesty from the start that only started emerging with time. And with the emerging truths came a realisation that something isn't OK when it's being hidden.
What I really really hate is how I react - I clearly need time to vent. My insecurities are triggered by the lack of honesty. And then I feel scared and hurt and that needs to be vented. I so want JH to do this differently but I know I cannot change anyone. I would like to be different to ....
I really, really have never liked to try and force anyone to do or be anything they don't want to be. And I suppose when I think of that if JH wants to be dishonest with me then that is his perogative. I have such love for him I haven't walked away even though it has been so hurtful. I don't know what is truth and what is not.
I have no desire whatsoever to try to tell who or how or what - I have to make my decisions based on what is presented to me.
I do feel so hurt by the dishonesty. I feel love for many many things and ways.
I feel misunderstood when I say I feel distrust - it seems to get turned around as if it's my fault.
Of course I would love nothing more than for JH to change and change his mind. To want to be with me and to want to be boundaried and honest and transparent.
I feel confused.
I wonder too how JH would feel if it were the other way around - it isn't I know and so that is hypothetical nonsense. But I wonder nonetheless.
I wonder what he thinks of me loving him. And how I keep staying despite the hurting. I wonder about a lot of things and strings.
I miss sex with JH and wonder what he does for sex now - it was him that said he had a high libido so he surely must be satisfying that somehow. But says not to me.
He says he is going to Stockholm but he had not mentioned that to me until his email.
And if he behaves with me as he does when he simply being a friend then how has he been with others? There have been mixed messages - I don't believe that's my imagination.
Rambling Bliss
X
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