Time heals all they say. How much time I ask?
I have moments of real peace and smiles in my heart and soul. The longing and the aching washes over me suddenly, seemingly without reason - a association or a memory and the feeling of loss.
I have accepted that JH isn't in love with me. When I was able to enventually hear that it was like my heart shattered into a tiny million pieces. But I did hear him and appreciate the courage it took to tell me his truth.
It appears to me that letting go is such a huge fear for JH. I relate, not sure its in the same way but I am terrified of losing people. I am scared that if JH is with other people then we can't have anything between us.
And by anythign I mean nothing more than allowing the friendliness. And time for me to allow my hurt to subside.
With some acceptance some healing is moving in. I feel it in moments. Phew this is so tough. I have never felt such intimacy. I wonder if its different really for a man - Sex doesn't have such an emotional attachment often with men. I have never allowed myself to be so open and relaxed. It contributes to my sense of loss. But it's not the be and all.
It's the easy companionship we were able to have mainly that I am missing today. Sharing thoughts and being so totally at ease as a person. Although when I think of the doubt ----- where there is doubt, have faith.
St Francis of Assissi prayer - I heard this last night at the meeting. I so needed to hear the messgae of Step 11 last evening.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
I felt quite ashamed really that I had not been able to apply any of this during the recent exchanges. Then I was more gentle on myself remembering that I am still so very new at this and not terribly well practiced. But I am doing my best and when reminded of the fullness of all these things can stand back.
I am very, very sorry for not being able to deal with the way things are better. I think from what JH is saying that actually he does hold the value of honesty. This has nothing to do really with him not being in love with me. But I wanted him to see - instead of being gentle about this there have been times when my hurt has turned into anger which at times has been appropriate and acceptable anger. What is not OK is my behaviour at times. I don;t like the way I become sharp tongued and jibe. I also don't like how I have tried to go over and over the problems trying to make JH see. It simply has ersulted in more and more divide.
I feel myself jibe out in my attempt to protect my poor little self who is just hurt time and time again byt people. I let them. I see that in my adulthood and I can also see how the pattern was set as my self worth was shaped way back then in childhood.
Today I am trying to have courage to not accept less than I deserve. It has been quicker this time than say with SH. And it doesn't compare with JB or CY. I have loved JH with such emormity. And now I need to unlove him . I love him as a human being and I value all that is still wonderful which is what makes it difficult to accept that it's over. And difficult to accept that he doesn't love me.
It takes time and at times it seems inexorable. I know that if I keep taking care of myself this will pass.
I feel able to offer friendship with time to JH. I hope there hasn't been too much damage for him to want this too.
I would love to be able to support him in this stage of his journey.
I hope that he might read this and know the depth of the meaning in my heart and be able to find forgiveness when my shortcomings emerge - past, and horribly in the future too. I don't want to say sorry yet as I cannot be certain that I won't make similar mistakes but as the hurt is submerging little by little I think I may have more awareness (please God?) and be able to choose to behave differently.
Please bear with me one and all.
I have also been able to once again cherish the gifts JH has left for me
his stool - his bowl - his spoon - his thingy-ma-jig.
Yes I am able to take a big breath and truly feel love. And gratitude.
I hope this feeling stays longer - everything passes I know but this is lovely to be able to feel.
Thanks God,
Bliss
XXX
My darkness has lifted in this moment. Thanks St Francis too :))
I have moments of real peace and smiles in my heart and soul. The longing and the aching washes over me suddenly, seemingly without reason - a association or a memory and the feeling of loss.
I have accepted that JH isn't in love with me. When I was able to enventually hear that it was like my heart shattered into a tiny million pieces. But I did hear him and appreciate the courage it took to tell me his truth.
It appears to me that letting go is such a huge fear for JH. I relate, not sure its in the same way but I am terrified of losing people. I am scared that if JH is with other people then we can't have anything between us.
And by anythign I mean nothing more than allowing the friendliness. And time for me to allow my hurt to subside.
With some acceptance some healing is moving in. I feel it in moments. Phew this is so tough. I have never felt such intimacy. I wonder if its different really for a man - Sex doesn't have such an emotional attachment often with men. I have never allowed myself to be so open and relaxed. It contributes to my sense of loss. But it's not the be and all.
It's the easy companionship we were able to have mainly that I am missing today. Sharing thoughts and being so totally at ease as a person. Although when I think of the doubt ----- where there is doubt, have faith.
St Francis of Assissi prayer - I heard this last night at the meeting. I so needed to hear the messgae of Step 11 last evening.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
I felt quite ashamed really that I had not been able to apply any of this during the recent exchanges. Then I was more gentle on myself remembering that I am still so very new at this and not terribly well practiced. But I am doing my best and when reminded of the fullness of all these things can stand back.
I am very, very sorry for not being able to deal with the way things are better. I think from what JH is saying that actually he does hold the value of honesty. This has nothing to do really with him not being in love with me. But I wanted him to see - instead of being gentle about this there have been times when my hurt has turned into anger which at times has been appropriate and acceptable anger. What is not OK is my behaviour at times. I don;t like the way I become sharp tongued and jibe. I also don't like how I have tried to go over and over the problems trying to make JH see. It simply has ersulted in more and more divide.
I feel myself jibe out in my attempt to protect my poor little self who is just hurt time and time again byt people. I let them. I see that in my adulthood and I can also see how the pattern was set as my self worth was shaped way back then in childhood.
Today I am trying to have courage to not accept less than I deserve. It has been quicker this time than say with SH. And it doesn't compare with JB or CY. I have loved JH with such emormity. And now I need to unlove him . I love him as a human being and I value all that is still wonderful which is what makes it difficult to accept that it's over. And difficult to accept that he doesn't love me.
It takes time and at times it seems inexorable. I know that if I keep taking care of myself this will pass.
I feel able to offer friendship with time to JH. I hope there hasn't been too much damage for him to want this too.
I would love to be able to support him in this stage of his journey.
I hope that he might read this and know the depth of the meaning in my heart and be able to find forgiveness when my shortcomings emerge - past, and horribly in the future too. I don't want to say sorry yet as I cannot be certain that I won't make similar mistakes but as the hurt is submerging little by little I think I may have more awareness (please God?) and be able to choose to behave differently.
Please bear with me one and all.
I have also been able to once again cherish the gifts JH has left for me
his stool - his bowl - his spoon - his thingy-ma-jig.
Yes I am able to take a big breath and truly feel love. And gratitude.
I hope this feeling stays longer - everything passes I know but this is lovely to be able to feel.
Thanks God,
Bliss
XXX
My darkness has lifted in this moment. Thanks St Francis too :))
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