PD is on holiday and I am standing in for him. In my zealousness I forgot that I am facilitating Aftercare this evening and so put in place a number of things to do this morning.
So at 6 am I awoke with a start of realisation. I dozed but each time with anticipation of 9am and being able to phone my colleagues and asking them to make two important phone calls.
I have a pretty tough situation, only 1 person in group. We have some Daycare 3 days per week but it's trying to have a group to sell. One assessment and two calls from family members who report sadly about replapses. Unfortunately they present me with unwilling clients! PD said it would be hard. I find our "product" easy to sell because I really believe in what we are doing and how we do it. But it's not so easy to sell when there is no group.
I have JH on my mind eery minute of every day and even in my dreams. I hope his return to work today brings something positive for him. He told me that he has many things he needs to face. I stand back.
Universe I trust you know what you are doing I am sorry to myself that I continuously wrestle that with you.
I actually feel calmer standing back and letting things hapen as they will. I would like it if I could do that more. I am a very scared little girl.
I still feel JH hold my sex, my base chakra. I am not sure if it is memory of him holding me or if he still owns that?
I enjoyed AA last evening. I am enjoying it more and more recently. Each meeting I have been to I have received some new knowledge or felt at ease with humaness or heard somethign useful. I definitely have related. This in itself provides me with a useful connection to people. I was able to share about the sadness in my heart and how crazy I become amidst mty hurt and pain. I am seeing it clearly. I do not like how I behave. It is OK to be sad, it is OK to be angry. It is not OK to go on and on and on wnating something that just isn;t available to me. Wow how that pierces my heart over and over again. JH cannot know how much I love him. Well I suppose it doesn;t feel like love when my behaviour is so - ugly? I don;t know what to do with such enormous sadness. I want him to change his mind and want me - that makes me smile. I want to be special to him. I want to be one of the most important people in his life second to his children. I want him to be honest and open with me.
These are things that come to mind that I want. Stronger than even desire. But who am I to be able to enforce this. I don;t want that! I want JH to want this himself. And if he doesn;t then I don;t make it very clear I supose that I accept that - of course I do but with a heavy heart of course!
I see how he will see my behaviour as undesirable. I find it very ugly. I feel ashamed. I do not know how best to behave when I have such powerful emotions.
The amends is not to do it anymore as sorry is an empty word when I keep repeating the same ting. I mean sorry b ut my eotions become more powerful than I. I have thank goodness started to re-chaannel energies into change. I am very grateful for this knowledge. I feel sorry for the longing in me that I have not channelled energy sooner. And I am sorry to JH that I haven't as well. Somehow I continue to need to feel such immense pain before I turn towards the solutions. But I don't seem to go to rock bottom which is progress (ha ha - at least I can laugh a little at msyelf sometimes).
I am very grateful for AA. And I will get ot CODA on Friday.
I think I will consider - see how reticent I am - having an AA sponsor again for a while. I was so affected by the last sponsor AW when she shared details of my Step 4 wth another person. I was aware that she was unlikely to keep personal things personal as she talked about a lot of things that she knew. In my inexperince and desire to be loved I thought when she was talking to me about the others it meant that she loved me. I was very discreet with the information because deeper down I knew it was wrong that I knew such treasured things about other people. So although I was urt that she betrayed my deepest secrets, I was not shocked or surprised. Iw as very pleased I spoek with ehr about it. I was then surprised at her behaviour. It was a potential lesson for me not to put people on pedestals without really knowing them. She was a wonderful person in all sorts of ways. She did show me love and started me on a path of learning self love. I also feel sadness as she was ironically not so loving of herself. She was generous with the little she had. And she could be very funny. She was also hard working.
AW brought a lot into my life at a time when I needed a lot of loving and attention. She wanted a daughter and I wanted a mum. In transference only. We were both a little screwy at the time I think. Well I can only speak for me. I loved her for all that she was. She was disliked broadly for her gossiping and I had never known this until later. I was blind to it but learnt so much.
Hooray the sensible me left a message with Reception to get SH or AW (I know same intitials but not the same person) to call me when they get in and SH has called me! I know it's simple but I can fret and not be organised so I am pleased to take take this into action. So handed over the two important calls. And I have left it with SH to decided if she just calls to postpone my call or if she wants to handle the situation herself. There are only two clients so the team are not really stretched. I have been feeling that SH is less and less enthusiastic to work recently. I hope she is not discourgaed there as I truly like working with her. It is not such a great company to work for so I am sure like me she is keeping an eye on potential new employment.
I am sad that it is not a great employer. I love my particular job and our team. Yes moans and groans at times about individuals and no doubt they have moans about me. We have supervision to be able to expel all that. But unlike when working for HR International with whom I had lots of grips but a real loyalty to. They did there utmost to look after and invest in employees. And in return they got some good staff staying and building with them. People in a compnay of that size and numbers of staff of course come and go. Lots came back.
One thing I forgot to handover - supervision - we need to organise the time with P. Oh well I can do that at 13:00 when I arrive.
I want to study a little now.........
Bliss
X
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