Bliss, remember when, as a child, just the sight of a swing set, or a pony, or a hula-hoop, would get your heart racing and your imagination somersaulting?
And without even thinking in words you felt that surely the world revolved around you, that you were the most blessed creature ever to live, and that having fun was all that really mattered?
Well, I still wonder how you knew so much, at such a tender age.
Tallyho,
The Universe
I love reading this but I am so far away from this sentiment and for some reason have not been writing it in my Blog. As if keeping a secret from the anonymous reader.
I had a positive day on Tuesday. I felt uplifted and carefree. The past 2 days have returned to bleakness that's been present in ever decreasing circles. I have dark and sinister thoughts of death and even planned how yet I have taklen action and told my doctor, taking some medication, attending appointments etc. It is depression. WIth it I feel that I am a freak and a bad person that no one with any sense would want to have anything to do with me. I cannot understand why I have got this "illness". Is it the result of a lifetime of circumstances that I have been set on a path to encounter. You know the early experiences being the lessons that fix the mindset, beliefs about self and the world and the way of interactions, or is it a predisposition that gets triggered, i.e. everyone has the propensity but for some people circumstances set it off? Or is it selected genes in just a few people.
Or is this simply a hormonal thing. Some women, quite a lot apparently get depressed and slightly crazy during the premenopause. Apparently one is not in menopause until there has been a year snce the last menstrual cycle. That annoys me because everyone has a different answer no one really knows. Furthermore everyone puts everythign down to it. Any ache or pain, "oh it's menopause". Say it's not?
Well whatever is going on I have seriously considered suicide. I have planned it and cried and cried that I am thinking this way. I feel insane. I do not feel in a deep bog. I just cannot see the point.
Things that run through my mind as difficult to deal with and I think contribute to this depression are - the length of my days and the journey to work, I cannot face that at the moment yet I love my work. I do not feel competent or confident as a professional without getting the accreditation adn yet the accreditation is purely a piece of paper that's meaningless. It just seems to mean a lot to people who are not in the know. How muddled up is that? I feel that I would like slower days but cannot afford it and then I feel dreadful that at this age in my life I have very little to show for my life. I have a wealth of experiences but I have frittered money away - millions I would hazzard. Non-sensical dcisions in terms of finances. That's a battle in my head because I do not value the money but it's the only way this world flipping well works. So my decisions were lead by my disregard for most things material, yet without it I cannot continue to live the way I want to. So I do have material wants and a value for money. Complex. I feel very lonely, despite all my wonderful friends I feel very alone in this world. I miss my mum because I could talk to her about these tings and not feel a burden. I can talk to my friends but I always have the solution before I talk to them and right now I haven't so I need them to hear me and support me and I rather than feeling they can support me I feel a drain on them.
If it's not possible to end myself, which I know it isn't and I must hang on until the thinking and bleakness passes, then I want to run and run and run until I find somewhere to not be me. The problem is I take me with me.
Back to finances, if I could reduce my lifestyle then I would be able to cut down hours and even work for a lesser aoutn maybe more locally. But I want to be able to do things. If this were my life limit then I would definately not want to continue and that's partly what I am scared of - getting older, being able to get out and about less at some stage and this being it. If this is it there is not point. How non- accpetant is that. Instead of being able to be grateful for what is my current mindset is so damning and destructive. I find it ugly. Yet I cannot seem to stop it.
Writing it and seeing it makes it clearer to me. It's very different from how it used to be as well. I so wish I had my journals that Cengiz ran off with. I am not sure he actually did run off with them but he certaily took them and never returned them and then he was involved in a scandal whilst my psychologist and then disppeared off the Australia. It would be interesting to read what I wrote then. I wanted to be dead.
I wrote about every thought and everything I did for years. Back then I thought I was actually evil through and through. Because anyone nice did not do or end up doing the things that I did, so it must have been me that was the evil one. I felt a complete failure and waste of space.
I can recall really longing and praying that I could be taken off the planet into space, stripped down and made into someone else to be able to carry on. I truly wanted this as if it could actually happen. This progressed into wanting to be dead as the only other option. If not I had to face who I had become and the let down I felt. I did not want to return to work at the time I was with HR. And so eventually I tried. I got very pissed on one extremely good and expensive bottle of wine and then washed down the pills, getting ever more drunk. I had collected the pills over several weeks and visiting a variety of chemists all over the place. I did this because I had realised it was not possible to buy more than a very few at a time. I called a couple of people that I was very pleased never to hear from again - said goodbye and they called ambulances. Then JJ turned up. He knew I was drunk but hadn't realised that I had taken pills. He realised that I was acting very strangely and was there when the ambulance turned up. I can remember thinking I was able to fly and was on the ceiling. I was actually looing down at the men in their green uniforms - the paramedics - thinking they could not reach me. Of course they could and did. Next I was being led to the ambulance b ut I refused to get in. Then the police turned up. They said if I didn't get in they would have to arrest me. I got in incase they made contact with my dad. I was still terrified of my dad.
From then on the chaos grew. At the hospital, HB turned up. I was so horribly drunk. I was talking to all the other patients. I thought it was the early hours of the morning but it probably wasn't. I was made to drink this vil concoction which of course induced me to vomit for England. Then at some point S turned up???? Then my mum and dad. HB had called them and to this day cannot stop syaing sorry. She did not realise how my dad would be. I ran on the sight of him but was so drunk and also scared for his health as he chased me. He put me in an arm lock and ,arched me back into the hospital. I had kept discharging myself but they wanted to get me to the psychiatric ward. HB and JJ left me with my mum and dad. It was horrid!
Eventually my mum managed to get them to release me to the P. I am not sure how that all happened but the next thing I was there.
In the obs room behind the nurses station. I was glad my mum and dad left. I was terrified of them finding out about me and my life.
It was ironically funny. I wanted a cigarette but they had removed all matches. I was raging for a light. I was raging to be alive actually! They told me I was on obs (observation). I thought they were watching me through a two way mirror and was so angry at them that I was looking in the mirror sticking my fingers up at them. Iw as completely off my mind. Of course actually they were watching through the door and I imagine they thought I was hating myself. So then they would only light my cigarette for me. It was all madness.
I didn't sleep. I was feeling incredibly ill and to boot I was a live and have to face everything and everyone.
Then I was there for nearly 9 months in total. I had a ball.
To be continued as I really want to get on with some blob counting for Uni. I have done none!!
Bliss
XX
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