Whenever feeling utterly bamboozled or bored by life, Bliss, seek a higher perspective.
Because being bamboozled or bored, means there is one.
Yeah,
The Universe
I woke this morning and it was the first in a couple of days when I wasn't battling with thoughts of what is rational and what is the point. I am not sure what has made the difference, because nothing has changed.
I do know that I do not feel like meeting up with AV and BH on Saturday. Meeting with my dad feels less difficult but then I want to be honest with hm about something and ask for his help with finances for the next month. He will more than likely be angry and hostile which is not what I want.
JB very kindly offered to help so that there is not that extra element of anxiety.
Having already been for a walk with LouLou, just a little village walk, I feel a little more energised and can see hope. I am finding this all so very strange. I am not squashed of all emotions, I have the full range of emotions. So it's not a reaction to the situations in my life, although I am sure the stress and anxiety contributes. I can rationalise and when I read about acceptance and staying in the present etc., I completely see the point and understand intellectually but I have had difficulty making it stick. Yesterday afternoon was the first time I could keep actually bringing it back to being OK in that very moment.
Everything does feel wrong though. No not everything. Some things seem wrong. Where I am living has not seemed right since I moved here but I don't know what to do about it. The rent is so reasonable and affordable. If I were to rent on the open market it would be more than double. Furthermore, there is some permanency here which represents some security too. But like always that also leaves me feeling trapped by it.
I have felt that before - with mortgages on properties, with company cars. I feel a dependency or with the mortgage a responsibility that I must uphold. The crazy thing is I ran away from that responsibility when what I should have done was rented the property out. I was irresponsible with this trapped feeling taking over. But in this case I dependant financially as it's cost conscious ....
This I find is an odd way of looking at things. I wonder if my dad always felt trapped by the trappings? Hence he was always wanting to move. I also don't like staying so long anywhere. It's as if the newness goes and I want to leave all behind. I don't know how else to put this into words. I get a feeling of being unsettled in the settlement.
One thing for sure is hat I am tired of my long days and would prefer home and work to be closer to each other. I do not want to be far from my friends either. Ideally I could leave nearer Farnham.
You see this is very different thinking.Yesterday I just couldn't see the point of anything at all and that the only solution was death.
I would also like to work less. If only I had the confidence to start working in my own practice. The first thing I must do is get my accreditation. It feels a big task with my OU studies going on at the same time, but if I can just get to it then I put myself in a better position in the longterm.
I suppose it would be worth talking with P when I am back at work to see if he knows what is required. Or I could even phone the FDAP once I get the membership renewed by the P. I left that invoice with Neil so that's something to follow up. My guilt for being off sick would normally halt me from doing that. But I really do want to follow through. Including my request for a pay rise in line with the additional work I take on in PD's absence.
I am aware he is very sad with the death of his mum. I feel sorry that right now I am unable to be supportive at work. He said he feels better being at work. I thought that was also him suggesting the same for me, but perhaps that is my own paranoia. I felt that anything ET said was loaded with suggestions that the same applies to me.
I feel relieved to feel slightly better today. I am even enthused to get on with some studying. It helped havings ent through my stats yesterday.
Having been introduced to LP, there is some very awkward communications and I am not sure I can be bothered to keep trying. Whereas another new person is very chatty. I have so many good friends I will not go out of my way - I am much happier standing back a little. I am comfortable making myself available to support RB at ths time of difficulty for her and she is the sister of one of my best friends.
I feel safest at the moment with AB. I wonder if that is because there is little demand, it's easy. Not sure. Don't need to ask why just accept that I feel safe there and with her.
STUDYING!!!!
No doubt I will write more later in my next break
Bliss
XX
This is for JH
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHwqYd_G43Y
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