I received a call this morning .... from the NHS in response to my GP trying to escalate the appointment I have currently booked for 17May with the psychiatrist. I called my GP in despair last week saying how black and deathly I was feeling and would like to take him up on his offer to see if he can get an earlier appointment for me.
I got really quite irritated by the girl I spoke with. I couldn't stop it but did observe the fact that I was feeling angry and was irascible with her.
I said that with all due respect she is phoning asking me what I think would help and I said I would like to see the psych as a matter of urgency to which she started asking a lot of questions. I said that with all due respect I did not want to start disclosing very personal matters to someone I didn't know and who was the gatekeeper at this point for the psych. I repeated that she had asked me what I thought would be helpful and that was to see the psych as a matter of priority. She became quite short with me back which infuriated me further. Anyway, she went off and managed to get me an appointment for Monday at 3.30. I have told my manager. And that's all OK.
Anyway I was exploring the anger following the call. I was talking with a friend actually saying how I didn't like seeing how the emotion seeps out of me like that.
And I really don't. I don't feel calm inside and I don't like my reactive behaviour.
I was able to see that she was asking me about staying safe and what my death plans were. Now last week they were right on the forefront of my mind and I was feeling desperate and scared. I felt as if she was challenging whether it was real or not! And of course today it isn't (thank goodness) But because I want to speak with a psych as a matter or priority I knew that if I said it wasn't deathly then I wouldn't be treated with any priority.
So her "prying" really got into a whole load of dynamics going on. There is some reality that I do not want to discuss with her my ups and my downs and what that involves. She wanted to know what was going for me right now that was making it worse for me. I said again that I didn't want to discuss in detail something with someone I had never met. I need to have some sense of safety and this did not feel safe. I also felt that I was being spoken to with disbelief and very condescending tones. Especially as she sounded very irritated.
Even more irritation came out of her when I explained that I have a lot of experience of my depression after years of suffering on and off and lots of therapy and support. I certainly felt even more of a condescending tone - eventually she said she just wants to make sure I will be OK and not act out on my thoughts.
I said that I am taking it one day at a time, that I am using my support as best as I know how, including my meetings and that is all I know how to do right now, hence I want to see the psych to get some input of where to go from here.
Grrrrrrrr - all these people who don't listen and think they know best. And not only that expect to be trusted to divulge what is going on just like that.
See - angry. But at least I am taking it out safely here. I was glad to recognise the anger and didn't allow it to escalate.
I think other things were at play - I could feel a resistance to allow me to see the psych. I really really am scared of another bout of what has just been going on. Whilst I can keep recovery stuff safer right now I have no control over hormonal shifts and the effects on my mind and body. I cannot get any acceptance and sometimes can - but I want some help in managing it because I am not sure that I won't kill myself.
There will hopefully be less other stuff going on like the destructive forces of a relationship ending and the power of the reasons that caused that beginning, middle and end. The loss of the good stuff, the re-traumatising from the bad stuff. If I keep on the line I won;t have that to deal with as well as the hormonal shifts.
It was great the ML called as I was able to just process that little interaction. Not beat myself - just recognise the emotions and the behaviour. I hope it will gradually change.
I know from experience that things before that I have become aware of seem much more apparent and I am aware of them after they have happened. But as I stay aware and pray to Universe to have these defects removed they gradually are more manageable as soon as I notice it happening and then gradually there is an easier process of changing before the behaviour even occurs.
I am aware of this explosive anger and do not like the behaviour and attitude that derives from it. I would like it to change and I am prepared to work at it.
Therefore I am aware that the Universe will remove the shortcoming when the Universe is ready. I am praying and taking my part of the action as best as I now how to.
Lovely speaking with ML after days of silence. And we are planning on meeting up on Saturday - excellent. I have missed her whilst she has been head down studying.
I will miss her whilst she's away on holiday too. I am a little jealous but not that I wouldn't want her to have it. It would be nice to be going and having some light-hearted fun somewhere, hot sunshine, lovely beaches, new environment and friendship. And feeling OK and confident enough to go in the first place.
Well I need to go and vote - I think I will be voting YES after all.
Yes to AV
Bliss
XX
I got really quite irritated by the girl I spoke with. I couldn't stop it but did observe the fact that I was feeling angry and was irascible with her.
I said that with all due respect she is phoning asking me what I think would help and I said I would like to see the psych as a matter of urgency to which she started asking a lot of questions. I said that with all due respect I did not want to start disclosing very personal matters to someone I didn't know and who was the gatekeeper at this point for the psych. I repeated that she had asked me what I thought would be helpful and that was to see the psych as a matter of priority. She became quite short with me back which infuriated me further. Anyway, she went off and managed to get me an appointment for Monday at 3.30. I have told my manager. And that's all OK.
Anyway I was exploring the anger following the call. I was talking with a friend actually saying how I didn't like seeing how the emotion seeps out of me like that.
And I really don't. I don't feel calm inside and I don't like my reactive behaviour.
I was able to see that she was asking me about staying safe and what my death plans were. Now last week they were right on the forefront of my mind and I was feeling desperate and scared. I felt as if she was challenging whether it was real or not! And of course today it isn't (thank goodness) But because I want to speak with a psych as a matter or priority I knew that if I said it wasn't deathly then I wouldn't be treated with any priority.
So her "prying" really got into a whole load of dynamics going on. There is some reality that I do not want to discuss with her my ups and my downs and what that involves. She wanted to know what was going for me right now that was making it worse for me. I said again that I didn't want to discuss in detail something with someone I had never met. I need to have some sense of safety and this did not feel safe. I also felt that I was being spoken to with disbelief and very condescending tones. Especially as she sounded very irritated.
Even more irritation came out of her when I explained that I have a lot of experience of my depression after years of suffering on and off and lots of therapy and support. I certainly felt even more of a condescending tone - eventually she said she just wants to make sure I will be OK and not act out on my thoughts.
I said that I am taking it one day at a time, that I am using my support as best as I know how, including my meetings and that is all I know how to do right now, hence I want to see the psych to get some input of where to go from here.
Grrrrrrrr - all these people who don't listen and think they know best. And not only that expect to be trusted to divulge what is going on just like that.
See - angry. But at least I am taking it out safely here. I was glad to recognise the anger and didn't allow it to escalate.
I think other things were at play - I could feel a resistance to allow me to see the psych. I really really am scared of another bout of what has just been going on. Whilst I can keep recovery stuff safer right now I have no control over hormonal shifts and the effects on my mind and body. I cannot get any acceptance and sometimes can - but I want some help in managing it because I am not sure that I won't kill myself.
There will hopefully be less other stuff going on like the destructive forces of a relationship ending and the power of the reasons that caused that beginning, middle and end. The loss of the good stuff, the re-traumatising from the bad stuff. If I keep on the line I won;t have that to deal with as well as the hormonal shifts.
It was great the ML called as I was able to just process that little interaction. Not beat myself - just recognise the emotions and the behaviour. I hope it will gradually change.
I know from experience that things before that I have become aware of seem much more apparent and I am aware of them after they have happened. But as I stay aware and pray to Universe to have these defects removed they gradually are more manageable as soon as I notice it happening and then gradually there is an easier process of changing before the behaviour even occurs.
I am aware of this explosive anger and do not like the behaviour and attitude that derives from it. I would like it to change and I am prepared to work at it.
Therefore I am aware that the Universe will remove the shortcoming when the Universe is ready. I am praying and taking my part of the action as best as I now how to.
Lovely speaking with ML after days of silence. And we are planning on meeting up on Saturday - excellent. I have missed her whilst she has been head down studying.
I will miss her whilst she's away on holiday too. I am a little jealous but not that I wouldn't want her to have it. It would be nice to be going and having some light-hearted fun somewhere, hot sunshine, lovely beaches, new environment and friendship. And feeling OK and confident enough to go in the first place.
Well I need to go and vote - I think I will be voting YES after all.
Yes to AV
Bliss
XX
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