When we hold fast to such thoughts as, "They abused me, mistreated me, molested me, robbed me," we keep hatred alive.
If we thoroughly release ourselves from such thoughts as, "They abused me, mistreated me, molested me, robbed me," hatred is vanquished.
Dhammapada v. 3-4
Ajahn Munindo says ....
In various ways we all suffer injustice in our lives. Sometimes the pain runs deep and can last for years. Dhamma teachings emphasize not so much pain but our relationship to it. As long as we are possessed by hatred and resistance, intelligence is compromised. Although action might be called for, if our heart is not free from hatred, we can't know what right action would be. The Buddha advocates releasing ourselves from thoughts of hatred. It takes strength, patience and determination to let go. We are not letting go because someone else told us we should. We are letting go because we understand the consequences of hanging on.
This confuses me a little because it suggests that we have to choose to let go of the events of the past. I do actually agree. I think what confuses me is that I believe that the letting go comes with acceptance. And acceptance requires a conscious awareness of the pain and then the healing can start. When we allow ourselves to actually be angry at the person, place or thing, and permit and allow the sadness. At times there will be bargaining and denial. After actively feeling these emotions, then the acceptance can start to flow in. And this process takes time, different lengths of time for different people. No way is a wrong way when getting to these points.
The strength, patience and determination that Ajahn Munindo speaks of helps me to realise that the Dhammapada verses are not demanding perfection. The strength I see as understand this can relate to the years of survival following the abuse received from another. The patience is the waiting for the release from the pain, suggesting that the work takes time and isn't expected to be instantaneous. And the determination involves commitment and struggle when it gets tough, which it does at times.
In my own situation with my dad, I do have all of those things and more and more I get towards a position of acceptance. And furthermore, forgiveness. I am very sorry that I brought to my dad my own version of abuse. Rebellion and retaliation because I knew no better. But thankfully I arrived into a moment in time where I was shown there could be another way. I was a survivor and forged ahead with lots of problems along the way but ahead nonetheless. It took strength to get as far as I did. Now the strength is redirected, mainly. I still struggle with acting out on emotions - food and a longing to be loved results in difficulties within relationships - to fill the empty hole within. Yet when I engage with the spiritual practices and absorb the awe of the universe, there is no hole. So yes it takes strength to keep stepping forward. I try to practice patience. I want to be free and relieved immediately and therefore content all of the time. As I write this I am reminded with a smile that it is not how life is. Life is a wonder of ups and downs, it permits a full array of emotions to be experienced. It wold surely be too boring for me if it were even all the time. And to date a part of my excitement about the universe is having moments of awakening. They can only come with experiences and contemplation around the events. Awareness of reactions and responses. Maybe at this stage of development it is what's creating the unrest in me. I am not sure.
The determination. Well I do keep striding on. I was determined once in a career and forging ahead for self gain. It didn't pay off at all in the long run but at the time I had a fantastic time and have a wealth of incredible world and worldly experiences in my memory. Details fade at times. But the determination is now applied differently. I am continuing to explore and despite very dark moments, I have not given up. I trudge the path sometimes gladly, sometimes not. I believe there is a happy destiny. I don't know if it looks the way I want it to and I need to accept that it is how it is and that's beyond my control. I am reminded now that I can ask for anything and leave it in the hands of the universe. As the universe knows best what is good for me. After all when I ask for what I think I want sometimes it ends up with more pain. I get a lesson though and can learn and grow from it all.
So back to the main point for me. I am getting closer and closer to a point of acceptance with my dad. And gradually letting go of things. It has helped by actually getting angry directly at him and hearing his thoughts on the past. He has responded with a little more contact recently. I am still loathe to contact him as I know the response I get if it's inconvenient is with more anger. I think but I am not sure that he has an appearance to maintain in front of his wife. I can always call and ask if it's a convenient time to talk. About what though? I would like to talk about what I am really doing and how I really feel about things, the world, people. But I am scared to. I will make more of an effort to be me. It's strange how I completely fade away under his being.
I am seeing SC this evening to talk about how I have these feelings of anger and sadness and doubt that seem to be free floating. And its these that leave me feeling pointless and darkly wanting to end it all. It feels too difficult to continue with these enormous emotions. All I can guess is that it's the huge anger that turns inwards and becomes self destructive.
This of course applies to JH too. I have been feeling strong emotions for him all of this time. I need to let go. It feels so awful as it seems to me that I was rejected. The thing he was never really committed to me anyway. I need to forgive him for that and accept the facts and let go. It feels so very sad. I have lost a time that I really enjoyed. I enjoyed him as him. I didn't know fully the other things that he was maintaining and believed that it was he and I. But it wasn't. It's OK. It just wasn't OK for me to commit in the way that I did. I can't be bothered writing all my thoughts out all over again.I know them. I accept more and more.
I looked at his FB pages for Hout van Bomen and saw the photos. I knew that the pictures of him were taken by someone who cares strongly for him. And of course I saw ES there too. It was like a stab in the heart but you know what? It was also clear to me that it is only myself who is creating my pain. He has long since moved on and that's possibly for a whole host of reasons. So I need to to let go and stop the pain. It's ridiculous. JH was just another person passing through my life. Wow, there have been plenty that come to mind without even thinking too hard.
I will stop showing any interest now as that adds to my pain. Get on with other things that are important and present. Accept the loss and move on. Goodbye JH, goodbye. I pray for you that you are truly content in your life. Maybe some day our paths will cross and I know we shall be friends.
Letting go is pretty painful!
This evening I want to talk to SC about the bi-polar too. I have not heard from the care worker Lisa. I think I will give her a call. I am not sure of the value of seeing her once a month so I can ask what she thinks might be appropriate. I feel a bit lost as far as they are concerned. So I need to ask for their suggestions.
I am awaiting an appointment with the psychologist so I can ask Lisa when she thinks that might come about.
I still want to meet with Stephen Fry ...
Bliss
XX
If we thoroughly release ourselves from such thoughts as, "They abused me, mistreated me, molested me, robbed me," hatred is vanquished.
Dhammapada v. 3-4
Ajahn Munindo says ....
In various ways we all suffer injustice in our lives. Sometimes the pain runs deep and can last for years. Dhamma teachings emphasize not so much pain but our relationship to it. As long as we are possessed by hatred and resistance, intelligence is compromised. Although action might be called for, if our heart is not free from hatred, we can't know what right action would be. The Buddha advocates releasing ourselves from thoughts of hatred. It takes strength, patience and determination to let go. We are not letting go because someone else told us we should. We are letting go because we understand the consequences of hanging on.
This confuses me a little because it suggests that we have to choose to let go of the events of the past. I do actually agree. I think what confuses me is that I believe that the letting go comes with acceptance. And acceptance requires a conscious awareness of the pain and then the healing can start. When we allow ourselves to actually be angry at the person, place or thing, and permit and allow the sadness. At times there will be bargaining and denial. After actively feeling these emotions, then the acceptance can start to flow in. And this process takes time, different lengths of time for different people. No way is a wrong way when getting to these points.
The strength, patience and determination that Ajahn Munindo speaks of helps me to realise that the Dhammapada verses are not demanding perfection. The strength I see as understand this can relate to the years of survival following the abuse received from another. The patience is the waiting for the release from the pain, suggesting that the work takes time and isn't expected to be instantaneous. And the determination involves commitment and struggle when it gets tough, which it does at times.
In my own situation with my dad, I do have all of those things and more and more I get towards a position of acceptance. And furthermore, forgiveness. I am very sorry that I brought to my dad my own version of abuse. Rebellion and retaliation because I knew no better. But thankfully I arrived into a moment in time where I was shown there could be another way. I was a survivor and forged ahead with lots of problems along the way but ahead nonetheless. It took strength to get as far as I did. Now the strength is redirected, mainly. I still struggle with acting out on emotions - food and a longing to be loved results in difficulties within relationships - to fill the empty hole within. Yet when I engage with the spiritual practices and absorb the awe of the universe, there is no hole. So yes it takes strength to keep stepping forward. I try to practice patience. I want to be free and relieved immediately and therefore content all of the time. As I write this I am reminded with a smile that it is not how life is. Life is a wonder of ups and downs, it permits a full array of emotions to be experienced. It wold surely be too boring for me if it were even all the time. And to date a part of my excitement about the universe is having moments of awakening. They can only come with experiences and contemplation around the events. Awareness of reactions and responses. Maybe at this stage of development it is what's creating the unrest in me. I am not sure.
The determination. Well I do keep striding on. I was determined once in a career and forging ahead for self gain. It didn't pay off at all in the long run but at the time I had a fantastic time and have a wealth of incredible world and worldly experiences in my memory. Details fade at times. But the determination is now applied differently. I am continuing to explore and despite very dark moments, I have not given up. I trudge the path sometimes gladly, sometimes not. I believe there is a happy destiny. I don't know if it looks the way I want it to and I need to accept that it is how it is and that's beyond my control. I am reminded now that I can ask for anything and leave it in the hands of the universe. As the universe knows best what is good for me. After all when I ask for what I think I want sometimes it ends up with more pain. I get a lesson though and can learn and grow from it all.
So back to the main point for me. I am getting closer and closer to a point of acceptance with my dad. And gradually letting go of things. It has helped by actually getting angry directly at him and hearing his thoughts on the past. He has responded with a little more contact recently. I am still loathe to contact him as I know the response I get if it's inconvenient is with more anger. I think but I am not sure that he has an appearance to maintain in front of his wife. I can always call and ask if it's a convenient time to talk. About what though? I would like to talk about what I am really doing and how I really feel about things, the world, people. But I am scared to. I will make more of an effort to be me. It's strange how I completely fade away under his being.
I am seeing SC this evening to talk about how I have these feelings of anger and sadness and doubt that seem to be free floating. And its these that leave me feeling pointless and darkly wanting to end it all. It feels too difficult to continue with these enormous emotions. All I can guess is that it's the huge anger that turns inwards and becomes self destructive.
This of course applies to JH too. I have been feeling strong emotions for him all of this time. I need to let go. It feels so awful as it seems to me that I was rejected. The thing he was never really committed to me anyway. I need to forgive him for that and accept the facts and let go. It feels so very sad. I have lost a time that I really enjoyed. I enjoyed him as him. I didn't know fully the other things that he was maintaining and believed that it was he and I. But it wasn't. It's OK. It just wasn't OK for me to commit in the way that I did. I can't be bothered writing all my thoughts out all over again.I know them. I accept more and more.
I looked at his FB pages for Hout van Bomen and saw the photos. I knew that the pictures of him were taken by someone who cares strongly for him. And of course I saw ES there too. It was like a stab in the heart but you know what? It was also clear to me that it is only myself who is creating my pain. He has long since moved on and that's possibly for a whole host of reasons. So I need to to let go and stop the pain. It's ridiculous. JH was just another person passing through my life. Wow, there have been plenty that come to mind without even thinking too hard.
I will stop showing any interest now as that adds to my pain. Get on with other things that are important and present. Accept the loss and move on. Goodbye JH, goodbye. I pray for you that you are truly content in your life. Maybe some day our paths will cross and I know we shall be friends.
Letting go is pretty painful!
This evening I want to talk to SC about the bi-polar too. I have not heard from the care worker Lisa. I think I will give her a call. I am not sure of the value of seeing her once a month so I can ask what she thinks might be appropriate. I feel a bit lost as far as they are concerned. So I need to ask for their suggestions.
I am awaiting an appointment with the psychologist so I can ask Lisa when she thinks that might come about.
I still want to meet with Stephen Fry ...
Bliss
XX
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