People. I love them and I am at times baffled by them.
I see a client who is so defended up and says that he has no fears. He wants to be antagonistic. He doesn't want therapy around these things he just wants to be well and thinks everyone is out to get him. Hearing his story I understand why. Me though - I start thinking I am not doing my job. I haven't asked the right questions. I become insecure. I have to hold myself steady in this. I am doing what I would do with all clients and some want to work and by doing so they explore the possibilities. So there are some people that it just doesn't work for. I will be interested to hear what other colleagues say.
I have been concerned about a friend recently. However she says she's been feeling better recently than she had been feeling. It seemed that my concern was interpreted with some criticism. She read it and I didn't mean that. It feels very scratchy with her recently. I need to pull out of the scratching and just let it be because otherwise me explaining me becomes some kind of battle. This happens from time to time with her. I guess it happens with people.
Within friendships it sort of moves in and out. I can accept my friends the way they are. I do not rust that they will be as acceptant as I am and withdraw gradually. Well if that's what happens that's what happens. I move away gradually from some people too. I hope it doesn't as the friends I have are very important to me and I value them all in different ways.
I have pulled back from E in terms of work. I prefer not to have work conversations now and no personal conversations at work. I visit her less often at work and am trying not to be all jokey and excessive. I will attempt to more professional. Light and breezy is one thing but I can take that too far.
A is less available recently since meeting her boyfriend. I am glad we are working through the steps together as this means we meet weekly.
I wonder????
Apparently SH has become a little more portly. He was very skinny so could do with some filling out. But this would be good too for my own filling out. So selfish ha ha ha and all about how I am looking. I wish it mattered less. And it does. I am who I am. I have prejudices against size and it's not true.
People! Me!
I have time for rambling this morning and oddly nothing too specific to ramble about. I am working the later shift - Aftercare. Lovely. And we have supervision today. Great. Apparently V will be there too which will be interesting. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with some challenges she makes as they seem to me to be direct criticism of people and not respectful of the way people think and feel at all. Ha ha which is a direct criticism from me. So I will not be remarking for a while I think. I get a sense that she is very very sensitive and may find the open arena quite difficult. We will see.
One thing that has presented itself to me this week (and in the past) is that in advance I make plans that sound really good. But as it gets closer I start to bottle out. I am not sure what this is about. I recall it starting to happen excessively when I was first unwell. Until that time I always went to everything without fear. But now everything fears fearful unless I am doing something with someone I know well. When I have moved out of my comfort zone I have had a great time and loved the sense of achievement and adventure. I love adventuring. But somehow things seem difficult and then I disappoint people not least myself.
I am not sure what the fears are about. It sometimes seems difficult to organise the arrangements. Timing and what I might need, how to get there and logistical things can seem really too much to handle. And then I am not organised in advance. I leave everything to the last minute so then feel too rushed. Also I think when I feel uncomfortable about me and my size that limits me incredibly. I feel unlikeable when I am bigger than I am comfortable with.That is because I dislike myself.
So I am not certain about the underlying issues with this. Commitment.
I will book my tickets to Oslo this week when I get paid. And then book the car park at Stansted and pass all the details to T so that its organised.
I must make arrangements with R for Spain too.
I feel committed to these trips. I sort of know actually when I am not really committing. Now I think I don;t like to say that I am not committing so that I seem nice to people but it's worse for them when I cancel last minute. Now there's a thought. Also I like the idea of some things but don't feel committed. Actually I am not sure this is about fear at all or rather fear about the doing of things. I think it's more do with people-pleasing. Interesting.
More to be explored because I can't be bothered right now. Even more interesting.
der der derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Bliss
XX
I see a client who is so defended up and says that he has no fears. He wants to be antagonistic. He doesn't want therapy around these things he just wants to be well and thinks everyone is out to get him. Hearing his story I understand why. Me though - I start thinking I am not doing my job. I haven't asked the right questions. I become insecure. I have to hold myself steady in this. I am doing what I would do with all clients and some want to work and by doing so they explore the possibilities. So there are some people that it just doesn't work for. I will be interested to hear what other colleagues say.
I have been concerned about a friend recently. However she says she's been feeling better recently than she had been feeling. It seemed that my concern was interpreted with some criticism. She read it and I didn't mean that. It feels very scratchy with her recently. I need to pull out of the scratching and just let it be because otherwise me explaining me becomes some kind of battle. This happens from time to time with her. I guess it happens with people.
Within friendships it sort of moves in and out. I can accept my friends the way they are. I do not rust that they will be as acceptant as I am and withdraw gradually. Well if that's what happens that's what happens. I move away gradually from some people too. I hope it doesn't as the friends I have are very important to me and I value them all in different ways.
I have pulled back from E in terms of work. I prefer not to have work conversations now and no personal conversations at work. I visit her less often at work and am trying not to be all jokey and excessive. I will attempt to more professional. Light and breezy is one thing but I can take that too far.
A is less available recently since meeting her boyfriend. I am glad we are working through the steps together as this means we meet weekly.
I wonder????
Apparently SH has become a little more portly. He was very skinny so could do with some filling out. But this would be good too for my own filling out. So selfish ha ha ha and all about how I am looking. I wish it mattered less. And it does. I am who I am. I have prejudices against size and it's not true.
People! Me!
I have time for rambling this morning and oddly nothing too specific to ramble about. I am working the later shift - Aftercare. Lovely. And we have supervision today. Great. Apparently V will be there too which will be interesting. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with some challenges she makes as they seem to me to be direct criticism of people and not respectful of the way people think and feel at all. Ha ha which is a direct criticism from me. So I will not be remarking for a while I think. I get a sense that she is very very sensitive and may find the open arena quite difficult. We will see.
One thing that has presented itself to me this week (and in the past) is that in advance I make plans that sound really good. But as it gets closer I start to bottle out. I am not sure what this is about. I recall it starting to happen excessively when I was first unwell. Until that time I always went to everything without fear. But now everything fears fearful unless I am doing something with someone I know well. When I have moved out of my comfort zone I have had a great time and loved the sense of achievement and adventure. I love adventuring. But somehow things seem difficult and then I disappoint people not least myself.
I am not sure what the fears are about. It sometimes seems difficult to organise the arrangements. Timing and what I might need, how to get there and logistical things can seem really too much to handle. And then I am not organised in advance. I leave everything to the last minute so then feel too rushed. Also I think when I feel uncomfortable about me and my size that limits me incredibly. I feel unlikeable when I am bigger than I am comfortable with.That is because I dislike myself.
So I am not certain about the underlying issues with this. Commitment.
I will book my tickets to Oslo this week when I get paid. And then book the car park at Stansted and pass all the details to T so that its organised.
I must make arrangements with R for Spain too.
I feel committed to these trips. I sort of know actually when I am not really committing. Now I think I don;t like to say that I am not committing so that I seem nice to people but it's worse for them when I cancel last minute. Now there's a thought. Also I like the idea of some things but don't feel committed. Actually I am not sure this is about fear at all or rather fear about the doing of things. I think it's more do with people-pleasing. Interesting.
More to be explored because I can't be bothered right now. Even more interesting.
der der derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Bliss
XX
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