My dad just called. I told him about Lisa's death on Monday at 1pm. He asked me to send his condolences. Should I send a card on "our" behalf? I'm not sure. Perhaps I will make one? Would they find that odd. It would be me being me.
I have the flower I have created. It would seem quite appropriate linked with death actually.
His wife is due out of hospital today. He said he thought he had lost her at one point. His voice sounded as if he cared and I hate that. He has moved on from my mum and I want him to only care about her not his new wife. Yuch. It's painful and yet it's so selfish. What an odd mix of feelings this is. I cannot make sense of it yet am very aware. I probably need to talk about this. Who with. I will speak with E and A and M about it. M may relate.
I spoke with him about things at work and then the NHS. I told him about Sophie and her Blog - http://la-biscotte-ecrasee.blogspot.com/
I also spoke about my thoughts on the current feelings and fears I have about the NHS. Of course he has lots of experience of the system. We are lucky supposedly to have this but how this Government is ruing it. And we spoke about the corruption of political philosophies when individuals get ensconced within the party views, losing principles of their own. I am aware how I am becoming a little more certain of my views. I might not have solutions hence I become a silent protester and moan to anyone who will listen but without any other action.
I have withdrawn my payment to a charity today. Instead I have added the regular payment into y savings account. I think I will try to put an amount into something else once I have decided what.
So anyway I was me with my dad. I have been this before and been slighted by him. I can today hear him through me and my lucidity that is surely connected with the high I have. I can tell as I am flitting from one subject to another. What t do with the flipping energy and distracted interest in many many things
Such as the curse of the crying boy. A painting that seems to have been in the household of various homes that have burnt down. The Sun reported on this after a fire in 1985, where the only possession left unscathed was the painting. And one of the firemen involved in the disaster remarked on having seen the painting unscathed after several devastating fires. More recently a mobile telephone number has been withdrawn as everyone who was issued with the number died - Cancer and two shootings. Each of them was Russian. I was very nearly judgemental then. I have the impression that the wealthy Russians around the world are involved with deviancy and underworld dealings. This is what gets reported of course and just goes to show how the media influence opinion. I am glad I stop to question more and more. I used to take things at face value. I encountered a group of wealthy Russian men one time I was in Dubai. My friend S was so taken with them for some reason and I was very wary of them. Dripping in gold, bullet wounds across the stomach on one of them, girl prostitutes all day and night - it looked unsavoury to me. And I have always been one to take risks. We first met this Lebanese man who explained that he had been employed by them to make arrangements for them. I'm not sure what those arrangements were, I didn't ask. I wish I had. But I think he seemed to disappear. perhaps he talked to much??????? And was fed to the crabs he he he. I can make a STORY out of anything. Very paranoid.
Oh latest paranoia. I noticed some hairs in the bathroom this morning. Shorter than my own and dark, also thinner. I have had a feeling for the last few days that someone has been in my flat. I try to tell myself that I am being silly. Similarly at work I think that people coming for assessments are actually employed by the P to see if I am doing a good job. I feel watched by them. This one on Friday, I felt very nervous about. He was a nice looking man and stared strangely at me all the way through. I would say that there was a certain relationship addiction or issue in his behaviours and attitude. He would certainly find that difficult. I suspect a lot of avoidance within his home life. Similarly the assessment I carried out at the end of last week. A definite love addict but people don't want to hear these things. Usually!
Whelan I didn't run and didn't even think it was truly bad. But I was also suicidal at the time. I was at the end of my tether I thought. In Dubai? Well I didn't get involved again. S and I sometimes did our own things. I was off with J. Bloody hell that was a weird episode. He was the DJ of the hotel. A complete alcoholic now I look back on it. His tab had even been stopped at the bar. Yep! I ended up at a party with the MD of Deutche Bank. He was another big big drinker and was a frequent party man at the Chicago Hotel bar. He would get there about 4 every afternoon. He invited me along with J to his house. Beautiful. We partied in his pool - alcohol and cocaine until the early hours. As a result I missed a tour S and I had booked. She was angry and went on her own. Yes she was really angry with me. I am not sure that she had wanted to come along to the party at the bank mans house. I wasn't very available to her during that week in Dubai.
A few weeks later I went back on my own. Yuch! I stayed with J. He was incredibly creative but another person who I realised was very far from my own ways in life. Only now do I realise he was ravaged by drink. Through him I went to a recording studio and watched him doing voice overs for adverts. I met the recording crew and they all came to the bar that evening. J was DJing and I was dancing etc with the guys. I was very very anorexic and using alcohol and cocaine but I didn't think I had a problem at all. One of the guys was in hot pursuit. J was aware. This guy tried to find me - very very good looking. He became aware I was with J but tried anyway. he called J in fact to find out where I was. J said I had gone to Abu Dhabi. I was of course interested. But felt I couldn't because of J. If I could have found a way I would have gone and partied. He was a naughty type - always the ones intriguing and then of course they are actually unavailable. The nice man I liked very much but he was not available to intrigue with, decent, boundaried and happily married yet drinking and probably not drugging actually.
It would be interesting to get S's perspective of me in those times. I wonder if she would read my blog without judgement?
Here's S's response to my email:
"Hey Bliss,
Isn't it funny how our memories are very different about that experience. This is what I remember and it will make you laugh!
1. Telling lies about getting there in the first place - saying we were reviewing the hotel on behalf of H R so that we could go for free!! { Ha I never thought of it before as telling lies - it was just what I did to get freebies}
2. Having to wear a suit on the plane and getting of in Dubai and my first words were 'fuck me its hot here'. You had given me strict instructions not to show my shoulders or my knees because it was disrespectful - if I had, had my way I would have been walking around in my knickers and bra!!
3. Meeting J - he was really funny and that knackered car that he had - he used to bomb about everywhere in it and he looked after us.
4. Asking that arab man if he had, had his appendix out by the pool and he said 'no I got shot in the stomach' - (note to sue to shut the fuck up every now and then).
5. The russain hookers - how thin and gorgeous they were. {And I remember us laughing so hard when one of them stepped into the pool thinking it was the shallow end and went right under with her beautfully buffant hairdo then ruined}
6. Going to sleep in the hotel room with the patio window open and the air con on - waking up in a room full of fog thinking I might have died and gone to heaven.
7. Me going on that bloody free day trip on my own because you had ran off for two days of fun. Meanwhile I was stuck with two old biddies on a bus with no air conditioning - I wished I had gone with you LOL!!!
8. Packing your case and yelling at you down the phone to get back to the hotel as we had to leave to get our flight home and you got back to the hotel as the coach arrived.
9. Laughing all the way home on the plane about it!
so after reading this you might want to reword some of your blog or just add my bit in - because it was funny!
and yes I would love to read your blog and yes I still love you very much x x x x
Love from S x"
{That so made me laugh reading her version of things}
So vague memories or ways of remembering these times. I have recollections of J's dark little room. Oh one of the staff gave me a mouthful of his curry one day as I passed his door and he was standing there eating it. I commented on the wonderful aroma of his curry and he just held out his spoon for me. I took the mouthful very thoughtful of how actually I hated the idea of using his spoon - ironic really as I was so promiscuous and unsafely!! Ugh those staff quarters. There was another staff member who i befriended. Someone J liked and trusted but I can't really get an image or full memory of who this person was. I met the bouncer of the bar - Egyptian and a friend of J's. His English girlfriend ha just come over and was moving in permanently. We went for dinner one evening at their place. I considered moving there. I even went for an interview. So naive. So fucking close. I think I would have ended up dead there. I would come back to the UK for a detox. Ha! An adventure though - short lived.
J also befriended this group of Italian guys. One day we all went in their car to this beach. We had to drive through Sharjah to get to this very quiet beach at Umm al-Qaiwain. It was a nice day. I don't recall really how many of us were there. I had a real problem because my period started. I only became aware far too late. It was awful for me. But I didn't say a thing to anyone. There was another girl there but I just sat in my shame and fear. I had been flirting as well with one of the guys, he took me off in a little boat. I was pretty horrid to J but then he was odd really. He wanted sex with me talking about his mother and saying things to him as if I was his mother. I was disgusted by myself for doing it and even then had thoughts about my dad with me but thought it was me being disgusting in my thinking!! Blimey - de-fuzzing memories that seem long ago gone. But I did it anyway to try and please him. I did not know then I realise that I had a right to say no. Gosh! I see so clearly how desperately co-dependent I have been for so so many years. It's so sad. I just thought it was what I had to do. it was abusive - all of this and the way he treated me was abusive. Of course it was. I was in my early 30's I think. he was an old man - well at that time old to me, he was late 40's maybe even early 50's. What the fuck! I truly have been on a trail of destructive neediness and all in the name of wanting someone to give me the love I craved. Men haven't meant to take adavantage. But I have given them that power always!
After the beach we drove off into the desert. To a bunker in the middle of nowhere and we purchased booty booze. A can remember just being handed this bottle in a brown paper bag. I don't think I could actually see the people in the bunker. I drank it neat. It was probably poison. As we drove through Sharjah (a completely dry zone unlike Dubai where it was permitted to drink in hotel bars but only hotel bars). I was screaming drunkenly out of the window. I was pulled back in and told to be quiet otherwise the men could all be arrested. I have a cringe feeling as I think of that. Feeling so naive and yet supposedly the world wide streetwise grown up traveller. Pah! I don't remember much else. I probably drank so quickly somewhat to try and overcome the shame of earlier in the day and period blood being obvious. Oooh the shame. Oh and I probably drank so much so quickly because I also liked being pissed and hedonistic. It gave me the courage to be wild!
I do recall always thinking that my parents would be horrified and at the same time intent on not being held within their strict rules. I was having fun or so I thought. I was sometimes. I certainly was having experiences. I am not sure of their validity as to increasing wisdom.
Bliss
XX
I have the flower I have created. It would seem quite appropriate linked with death actually.
His wife is due out of hospital today. He said he thought he had lost her at one point. His voice sounded as if he cared and I hate that. He has moved on from my mum and I want him to only care about her not his new wife. Yuch. It's painful and yet it's so selfish. What an odd mix of feelings this is. I cannot make sense of it yet am very aware. I probably need to talk about this. Who with. I will speak with E and A and M about it. M may relate.
I spoke with him about things at work and then the NHS. I told him about Sophie and her Blog - http://la-biscotte-ecrasee.blogspot.com/
I also spoke about my thoughts on the current feelings and fears I have about the NHS. Of course he has lots of experience of the system. We are lucky supposedly to have this but how this Government is ruing it. And we spoke about the corruption of political philosophies when individuals get ensconced within the party views, losing principles of their own. I am aware how I am becoming a little more certain of my views. I might not have solutions hence I become a silent protester and moan to anyone who will listen but without any other action.
I have withdrawn my payment to a charity today. Instead I have added the regular payment into y savings account. I think I will try to put an amount into something else once I have decided what.
So anyway I was me with my dad. I have been this before and been slighted by him. I can today hear him through me and my lucidity that is surely connected with the high I have. I can tell as I am flitting from one subject to another. What t do with the flipping energy and distracted interest in many many things
Such as the curse of the crying boy. A painting that seems to have been in the household of various homes that have burnt down. The Sun reported on this after a fire in 1985, where the only possession left unscathed was the painting. And one of the firemen involved in the disaster remarked on having seen the painting unscathed after several devastating fires. More recently a mobile telephone number has been withdrawn as everyone who was issued with the number died - Cancer and two shootings. Each of them was Russian. I was very nearly judgemental then. I have the impression that the wealthy Russians around the world are involved with deviancy and underworld dealings. This is what gets reported of course and just goes to show how the media influence opinion. I am glad I stop to question more and more. I used to take things at face value. I encountered a group of wealthy Russian men one time I was in Dubai. My friend S was so taken with them for some reason and I was very wary of them. Dripping in gold, bullet wounds across the stomach on one of them, girl prostitutes all day and night - it looked unsavoury to me. And I have always been one to take risks. We first met this Lebanese man who explained that he had been employed by them to make arrangements for them. I'm not sure what those arrangements were, I didn't ask. I wish I had. But I think he seemed to disappear. perhaps he talked to much??????? And was fed to the crabs he he he. I can make a STORY out of anything. Very paranoid.
Oh latest paranoia. I noticed some hairs in the bathroom this morning. Shorter than my own and dark, also thinner. I have had a feeling for the last few days that someone has been in my flat. I try to tell myself that I am being silly. Similarly at work I think that people coming for assessments are actually employed by the P to see if I am doing a good job. I feel watched by them. This one on Friday, I felt very nervous about. He was a nice looking man and stared strangely at me all the way through. I would say that there was a certain relationship addiction or issue in his behaviours and attitude. He would certainly find that difficult. I suspect a lot of avoidance within his home life. Similarly the assessment I carried out at the end of last week. A definite love addict but people don't want to hear these things. Usually!
Whelan I didn't run and didn't even think it was truly bad. But I was also suicidal at the time. I was at the end of my tether I thought. In Dubai? Well I didn't get involved again. S and I sometimes did our own things. I was off with J. Bloody hell that was a weird episode. He was the DJ of the hotel. A complete alcoholic now I look back on it. His tab had even been stopped at the bar. Yep! I ended up at a party with the MD of Deutche Bank. He was another big big drinker and was a frequent party man at the Chicago Hotel bar. He would get there about 4 every afternoon. He invited me along with J to his house. Beautiful. We partied in his pool - alcohol and cocaine until the early hours. As a result I missed a tour S and I had booked. She was angry and went on her own. Yes she was really angry with me. I am not sure that she had wanted to come along to the party at the bank mans house. I wasn't very available to her during that week in Dubai.
A few weeks later I went back on my own. Yuch! I stayed with J. He was incredibly creative but another person who I realised was very far from my own ways in life. Only now do I realise he was ravaged by drink. Through him I went to a recording studio and watched him doing voice overs for adverts. I met the recording crew and they all came to the bar that evening. J was DJing and I was dancing etc with the guys. I was very very anorexic and using alcohol and cocaine but I didn't think I had a problem at all. One of the guys was in hot pursuit. J was aware. This guy tried to find me - very very good looking. He became aware I was with J but tried anyway. he called J in fact to find out where I was. J said I had gone to Abu Dhabi. I was of course interested. But felt I couldn't because of J. If I could have found a way I would have gone and partied. He was a naughty type - always the ones intriguing and then of course they are actually unavailable. The nice man I liked very much but he was not available to intrigue with, decent, boundaried and happily married yet drinking and probably not drugging actually.
It would be interesting to get S's perspective of me in those times. I wonder if she would read my blog without judgement?
Here's S's response to my email:
"Hey Bliss,
Isn't it funny how our memories are very different about that experience. This is what I remember and it will make you laugh!
1. Telling lies about getting there in the first place - saying we were reviewing the hotel on behalf of H R so that we could go for free!! { Ha I never thought of it before as telling lies - it was just what I did to get freebies}
2. Having to wear a suit on the plane and getting of in Dubai and my first words were 'fuck me its hot here'. You had given me strict instructions not to show my shoulders or my knees because it was disrespectful - if I had, had my way I would have been walking around in my knickers and bra!!
3. Meeting J - he was really funny and that knackered car that he had - he used to bomb about everywhere in it and he looked after us.
4. Asking that arab man if he had, had his appendix out by the pool and he said 'no I got shot in the stomach' - (note to sue to shut the fuck up every now and then).
5. The russain hookers - how thin and gorgeous they were. {And I remember us laughing so hard when one of them stepped into the pool thinking it was the shallow end and went right under with her beautfully buffant hairdo then ruined}
6. Going to sleep in the hotel room with the patio window open and the air con on - waking up in a room full of fog thinking I might have died and gone to heaven.
7. Me going on that bloody free day trip on my own because you had ran off for two days of fun. Meanwhile I was stuck with two old biddies on a bus with no air conditioning - I wished I had gone with you LOL!!!
8. Packing your case and yelling at you down the phone to get back to the hotel as we had to leave to get our flight home and you got back to the hotel as the coach arrived.
9. Laughing all the way home on the plane about it!
so after reading this you might want to reword some of your blog or just add my bit in - because it was funny!
and yes I would love to read your blog and yes I still love you very much x x x x
Love from S x"
{That so made me laugh reading her version of things}
So vague memories or ways of remembering these times. I have recollections of J's dark little room. Oh one of the staff gave me a mouthful of his curry one day as I passed his door and he was standing there eating it. I commented on the wonderful aroma of his curry and he just held out his spoon for me. I took the mouthful very thoughtful of how actually I hated the idea of using his spoon - ironic really as I was so promiscuous and unsafely!! Ugh those staff quarters. There was another staff member who i befriended. Someone J liked and trusted but I can't really get an image or full memory of who this person was. I met the bouncer of the bar - Egyptian and a friend of J's. His English girlfriend ha just come over and was moving in permanently. We went for dinner one evening at their place. I considered moving there. I even went for an interview. So naive. So fucking close. I think I would have ended up dead there. I would come back to the UK for a detox. Ha! An adventure though - short lived.
J also befriended this group of Italian guys. One day we all went in their car to this beach. We had to drive through Sharjah to get to this very quiet beach at Umm al-Qaiwain. It was a nice day. I don't recall really how many of us were there. I had a real problem because my period started. I only became aware far too late. It was awful for me. But I didn't say a thing to anyone. There was another girl there but I just sat in my shame and fear. I had been flirting as well with one of the guys, he took me off in a little boat. I was pretty horrid to J but then he was odd really. He wanted sex with me talking about his mother and saying things to him as if I was his mother. I was disgusted by myself for doing it and even then had thoughts about my dad with me but thought it was me being disgusting in my thinking!! Blimey - de-fuzzing memories that seem long ago gone. But I did it anyway to try and please him. I did not know then I realise that I had a right to say no. Gosh! I see so clearly how desperately co-dependent I have been for so so many years. It's so sad. I just thought it was what I had to do. it was abusive - all of this and the way he treated me was abusive. Of course it was. I was in my early 30's I think. he was an old man - well at that time old to me, he was late 40's maybe even early 50's. What the fuck! I truly have been on a trail of destructive neediness and all in the name of wanting someone to give me the love I craved. Men haven't meant to take adavantage. But I have given them that power always!
After the beach we drove off into the desert. To a bunker in the middle of nowhere and we purchased booty booze. A can remember just being handed this bottle in a brown paper bag. I don't think I could actually see the people in the bunker. I drank it neat. It was probably poison. As we drove through Sharjah (a completely dry zone unlike Dubai where it was permitted to drink in hotel bars but only hotel bars). I was screaming drunkenly out of the window. I was pulled back in and told to be quiet otherwise the men could all be arrested. I have a cringe feeling as I think of that. Feeling so naive and yet supposedly the world wide streetwise grown up traveller. Pah! I don't remember much else. I probably drank so quickly somewhat to try and overcome the shame of earlier in the day and period blood being obvious. Oooh the shame. Oh and I probably drank so much so quickly because I also liked being pissed and hedonistic. It gave me the courage to be wild!
I do recall always thinking that my parents would be horrified and at the same time intent on not being held within their strict rules. I was having fun or so I thought. I was sometimes. I certainly was having experiences. I am not sure of their validity as to increasing wisdom.
Bliss
XX
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