I feel like SCREAMING!!!!!! My cousin dies today at 1pm
I received this text "Bliss Just to let you know we lost our beautiful L at 1pm today speak soon lol x"
I am mixed up with my feelings. I felt a smiling in my eyes. And as I am often reminded people laugh at inappropriate things when they don't know how to react. I cried when thinking of her as a little girl and thinking of her little girls now. Thinking of how a little of the childlike joys and carefree attitude will today have been snuffed out - hopefully there will be passion and adventure and freedom sometime in the near future. I think of my auntie. My uncle. I feel so far away and no rights to feel anything. I want to speak to someone in the family but do not have that contact with anyone. I want to know strange things like what it was like this last few days knowing she was saying goodbye to her lvoed ones. What the fuck? Why do I want to know that??? This is not about me for goodness sake.
I feel angry and loading all my anger on projections with the P. Just somewhere to place the anger. I don't believe in a religious God but I am raging at the religious God. Where the fuck were you then? Huh?
I think it should have been me even though thinking about being in the last hours facing death I have felt a chill of fear run through me. It's not upon me as I write this - completely detached from that fear. I don;t understand why her not me when I have wanted death, invited it. It makes no sense and yet I know the answer to the question too.
My cousin died today.
I received this text "Bliss Just to let you know we lost our beautiful L at 1pm today speak soon lol x"
I am mixed up with my feelings. I felt a smiling in my eyes. And as I am often reminded people laugh at inappropriate things when they don't know how to react. I cried when thinking of her as a little girl and thinking of her little girls now. Thinking of how a little of the childlike joys and carefree attitude will today have been snuffed out - hopefully there will be passion and adventure and freedom sometime in the near future. I think of my auntie. My uncle. I feel so far away and no rights to feel anything. I want to speak to someone in the family but do not have that contact with anyone. I want to know strange things like what it was like this last few days knowing she was saying goodbye to her lvoed ones. What the fuck? Why do I want to know that??? This is not about me for goodness sake.
I feel angry and loading all my anger on projections with the P. Just somewhere to place the anger. I don't believe in a religious God but I am raging at the religious God. Where the fuck were you then? Huh?
I think it should have been me even though thinking about being in the last hours facing death I have felt a chill of fear run through me. It's not upon me as I write this - completely detached from that fear. I don;t understand why her not me when I have wanted death, invited it. It makes no sense and yet I know the answer to the question too.
My cousin died today.
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