Order of service - oddity

My appeal for extension is being considered. Hopefully favourably.

It is horrid though as they required proof. Fortunately I brought the order of service home which apparently is sufficient

It was horrible scanning it and sending it. I can't quit sobbing now.

I suppose it had to come out. I am not even sure what I am sobbing about. It seems impossible Lisa is dead.

Loss is so strange. I don't think I believe in life after death in the way that I have supposed from what I have heard in the past.

Oddly I didn't sense my mum and Lisa on the bench this morning - I tried to see them there but just couldn't I turned as I walked away and waved.

I am not sure that this is my previous understanding of life after death and signs and messages from a sort of returning being. It's something much more that I cannot explain at all. Or I don;t know how to explain.

I hope I get the extension as I am really really struggling to stay focused. Plus I was awake asleep awake asleep throughout the night.

Even ending up emailing my auntie at 3:05 knowing that she is awake usually fro 2am until about 5am. No reply which was a relief as I am hoping that means she slept all the way through for the first time in ages.

Sorry to keep sharing all this. Normally I internalise all this because I think it shows that I am weak and pathetic. Death is death and get on with it - it happens. My dad would be as cold as anything - not a tear or even a change in his expression  which told me masses really. He told me that he was desensitised to death - never getting close to people truly after the first few deaths and killings when he was such a young man in the army - sent to horror zones such as Yemen and Korea and Borneo etc. Horrid battles. I see that in him - death is death, he's right but it evokes loss in me which I need to allow to heal in the way humans seem to need to do it - crying and hurting and crying and trying to make sense of it and crying and ...... whatever it takes. I have more acceptance more of the time regarding my mum and it is fortunate that I was in recovery to learn this.

I am glad I am mortal and there is an end to all of this - it will happen and I am not afraid. The Priests sermon was about death coming to us all.

He told a story of a farmer in Africa (the Priest was African with a very STRONG African accent). The farmer was walking through the planes one day and was being followed by a lion. He carried on walking and the lion walked behind him keeping pace. The farmer sensed him there. He tried running but still the lion kept pace and when the farmer glanced to see him, the lion was getting closer. He tried standing still and soon the lion was upon him. He likened the farmers walk to death. We cannot escape death. We are born and then we are like the farmer walking walking, running walking and eventually we have to stand still and then it catches up with us. He did make note that it seems worse when it's one so young. Thankfully he didn't say God wanted this one early or anything. Nonsense in my mind. It is what it is.

I hope you don't mind me writing all of this. It's simply musings to get the sobs to stop. They are subsiding now. The request for the Order of service I think was a strange help for me. I hope I can re-focus now on mesolimbic dopaminergic pathways involved in stress triggering addictive behaviours and schizophrenia. Ha! And then we die.

I hope this doesn't seem to morbid and understand if you decide not to read it.

Bliss

xx