I hadn;t prepared for this evening to be quite as difficult as this. I verbalised from an intellectual perspective that it is difficult not going to the USA with JH. At that point I hadn't actually felt the feelings. Tonight I am. It's hurting throughout my body.
We have been conversing more and more this last week. And it's difficult to define what splitting up has actually been about. All the connectedness the way it was has returned. And with it the wondering about the honesty etc. The reality is though that we are not girlfriend/boyfriend (the girl boy bit does sound a little diriculous at age 50 and 53). And as a friend I have no rights anyway to be privy to what JH does or doesn't do. It's none of my business. As a girlfriend I am not sure what right I have but it has been my request that there is openness.
Anyway, JH is busy getting ready and busy spending time with his children and friends saying goodbye. I am deeply sad that I am not going. It's just as I was saying yesterday, that the end of a relationship isn't just about the relationship itself. It's the loss of many other things that go with it.
When I separated from SH it was not only the good times we had had that wouldn't be had again, but also the village, and the shape of some mutual friendships, and no one to share the memories of laughs and places and events with, the loss of the cottage, the loss of Sophie, the loss of telling others about mutual things together. These are just a few of the things that I had to also allow myself to grieve. I hadn't ever realised it was as complex.
In the past the relationship ended and I though I moved on. Of course I have many ways of suppressing the emotions.
Well now with JH. I feel deep love for him and yet for some reason I am unable to place that with him fully. I enjoy being with hm and have to adjust to not being able to have that. I wanted to travel with him over this next week and cannot. Universe this is so hard. Please can you offer me some help?
I will speak with him now.
Bliss
x
We have been conversing more and more this last week. And it's difficult to define what splitting up has actually been about. All the connectedness the way it was has returned. And with it the wondering about the honesty etc. The reality is though that we are not girlfriend/boyfriend (the girl boy bit does sound a little diriculous at age 50 and 53). And as a friend I have no rights anyway to be privy to what JH does or doesn't do. It's none of my business. As a girlfriend I am not sure what right I have but it has been my request that there is openness.
Anyway, JH is busy getting ready and busy spending time with his children and friends saying goodbye. I am deeply sad that I am not going. It's just as I was saying yesterday, that the end of a relationship isn't just about the relationship itself. It's the loss of many other things that go with it.
When I separated from SH it was not only the good times we had had that wouldn't be had again, but also the village, and the shape of some mutual friendships, and no one to share the memories of laughs and places and events with, the loss of the cottage, the loss of Sophie, the loss of telling others about mutual things together. These are just a few of the things that I had to also allow myself to grieve. I hadn't ever realised it was as complex.
In the past the relationship ended and I though I moved on. Of course I have many ways of suppressing the emotions.
Well now with JH. I feel deep love for him and yet for some reason I am unable to place that with him fully. I enjoy being with hm and have to adjust to not being able to have that. I wanted to travel with him over this next week and cannot. Universe this is so hard. Please can you offer me some help?
I will speak with him now.
Bliss
x
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