I am now 60 days abstinent and into my 61st day. With good grace I will get to bed this evening without having had to take a mouthful of food outside of my meal plan. This is a miracle because it's not anorexic starvation, not purging with bulimia and not overeating. I am free for this moment from any obsession or compulsion which truly has been with me for my lifetime.
Thank you God.
Even my thinking is changing I notice. In the past I would have some semblance of abstinence but holding on for the day when I would next eat flour and sugar. I am committed one day at a time not to eat flour and sugar or out of me food plan. I do not need flour or sugar to exist on this planet. I need spiritual connection and wholesomeness. I get sustenance through my very fresh,simple foods and enjoy the cleanliness I feel within my body. People have made comments about my skin and hair, changes that I hadn't noticed.
A young lady last evening said that she sees me as calm and attentive. Wow! I smiled and said that I do feel calm and yet there is also the humanness of me paddling away inside. But actually on reflection I am so much calmer this last few days even with life things going on around me.
I was listening to her telling me through her sobs and tears about her situation. I felt ever so sad as I listened to her loneliness and emptiness. As if her soul has been snatched from her right now. Something has been taken from her and there will be a scar as this heals, but it will heal I feel sure, especially if she continues to apply herself to her recovery the way she appears to be right now. I wanted to wrap her in a hug and reassure her that so much is changing already and that she is safe. I sat for a while and shared a little about me then walked her to her door as she feels so terrified.
I prayed on the way home to help me with the sadness I felt. And God did help me to talk about this when speaking with B this morning. I hesitated when sitting in my quiet time. Thinking I don't want to appear as if I am more down than up and thinking this would be reflecting badly on my own recovery. Same old thinking, hide my vulnerability, appear like the good girl doing everything right even though I was feeling so, so sad.
Oh my gosh, B opened up my thoughts. She talked about despondency as a defect of character. I get a little edgy using that term as it sounds so harsh. However, I also have my understanding of what she was saying. I can teeter on a thin edge between sadness and despondency, to use her word. The dictionary definition I have is .....
de·spond·ent
[dih-spon-duh
nt]
adjective
n]
feeling or showing profound hopelessness, dejection, discouragement, or gloom: despondent about failing health.
This describes the feeling much better than the general term of depression - which is a noun to describe a psychiatric condition.
de·pres·sion
[dih-presh-uhn]
noun
1. the act of depressing
2. the state of being depressed.
3. a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.
4. sadness; gloom; dejection.
5. Psychiatry . a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Compare clinical depression.
Using the word depression is so generalised but by breaking it down and noticing the despondency makes it so much easier to manage. I have asked God to help remove this defect of character. And actually what it helps me to do is notice the sadness more clearly and by so doing I can get some healing from this by talking to others who can listen. I often work with clients breaking down the despair of overwhelming emotions. And with the help of B this morning I started to hear and see how I easily started to teeter on the edge of sadness and the remora of despondency. And then my thinking quickly changes to welcome in death. I also distort the benefits of gratitude and talking with others. I told myself this very morning that to focus on things I am grateful for or to enjoy speaking with people is just mind altering rather than real. Gosh if despondency can be real as a result of circumstances then why can't gratitude and happiness through connecting? So as the despondency was setting in, my focus was on missing my mum, the horrible relationship with my dad, the abortions, the loneliness. Bleaker and bleaker the outlook became.
But recognising despondency as a defect of character and asking God's help to remove this I am already feeling different. I decided to write my findings in a text to a friend I knew could hear it and witness it. I chose not to include another extremely good friend as experience has shown me that somehow the witnessing doesn't happen. That's OK, I don;t say that with any blame. I love that friend dearly but just need to be heard. I would also like to learn to hear her as I know I go into some kind of competition with her. Please God if it's Your will.
So with despondency I started to truly be able to appreciate the generous AA person who can help me replace the glass I broke earlier this week. I reminded myself of the wonderful gifts of a bike from E and the microwave oven from my dad. And I will call him today, now actually - please hold on a moment ......... well it was an answer machine, so I left an uplifted sounding message.
I have a house full of lovely things given by people. I found a fiver under my car seat yesterday too. I was very happy about that. So stopping to consider what abundance there is and how it shows up in the most unexpected shapes and forms if really uplifting and I can feel happy as well as grateful. Not mind altering just acknowledging that other feelings co-exist and I don't have to teeter over the edge.
And this I have known well intellectually, even advocating the concept regularly to others. I wanted to record this experiential moment as a reminder rather than an intellectual exercise.
I hope I can continue to practise and therefore share the idea of breaking down the overwhelming when there is array of emotions and create some calm through the chaos.
With 60 days abstinence I think some tings are changing. Layers of the onion skins are peeling back perhaps. What a journey. It's nothing rocket science or new, just greater clarity. There is a serenity in that rather than the torrid excitement I can feel with discovery. Just something to behold and treasure quietly. Thank you God.
But also with a refreshing feel to it, as if a light fresh wind has brushed by my face, lightly waking me up.
Readers whoever you might be, thank you for witnessing this with me. A little progress and gentle wisdom perhaps shared from one to me and then experienced.
My sadness? Well I hear sad stories everyday in my work and witness sadness often despair. Usually anger. I think this all helps me to see the sadness within me and is a real healing process.
I am sad about the choices I have made based on insecurities. And these insecurities are an amalgam of my biological make-up for instance being a sensitive little soul but being in a family where that wasn't easily interpreted and parents with their own issues and probable insecurities causing me to be misread and mis-used me. As a result my choices have been somewhat misguided from the offset. And then in adulthood I can see the escalation of the addiction within me - another biological make-up. Anyhow the journey is becoming self-explained the outcome is that I miss my mum and for the ways I would love to have been different when she was alive. This is not regret. My journey has been my journey. Regret can contribute to despondency. No. no, this is sadness for the entire situation as already described. Nothing happens on it's own, it is an integration of me, them, others and everything around me. Sadness about abortions. Gosh how sad I am about this. Sadness about the chasm between my dad and myself. Sadness about abusive situations. sadness about getting into relationships on the back of insecurity and not knowing how to handle getting out without hurting others and myself. Sadness about letting myself be hurt. Sadness about being afraid.
Yes all these things and I ask you God for the help to heal, Your will be done.
I KNOW my parents loved me!
Once again thank you readers for reading.
Bliss
X
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