I've nearly completed my essay. It's a relief and I am glad that I have stuck with it. I haven't thought withdraw, I truly haven't. Less so than the previous 2 years actually. And I am beginning to accept that I really do need more time to make a point a day in way that is quality-ish essay content. When I try to do it all in a couple of days - well it's pretty much rubbish. This is not so helpful of course with my circumstances when working full time with 25 days annual leave. I am praying to God to show what it is I actually need to do and then praying for patience as I want an answer now. Ideally in the shape of £10,000, so that I can work 4 days per week without dropping any salary too. This might get me through the next 2 years. Oh but also a local job so that petrol costs are reduced and also more time is available from a shorter journey. If is Thy will God. But then I get scared thinking what will the costs be? Not a nice company, no great clinical supervision or worse still none at all, not liking the team of staff, an unpleasant environment, less freedom to be the therapist I am, dreadful company politics (yep they could be worse than they are now), uhmmm and all the costs I haven't considered. God I am full of fears and I pray for faith. That's all I need and then everything is once again OK.
I am meeting with dad this morning. I had offered and we even arranged to meet more locally to him. But he called me back last evening and said we'd meet in my local town. I checked again but he insisted saying that he wanted a change of scenery. We laughed together about him adventuring the world. Who would have thought that I could be so light-hearted with my dad. With the help of B, FA, God and weighed and measured food, I have been changing my attitude. It's remarkable, a miracle. And so healing.
Until that is I start talking about sexual abuse and the cringes in my body when he attempts to kiss me. In my mind I am certain that's it's bigger than it actually is. It being the repulsion developed from memories of past events. But as I talked about it this morning, I could feel my body tense up and disgust spreading through every vein and nerve ending. I must remember this as evidence that it was real. You see when my dad and I are able to get along I start telling myself I've been lying. It took much therapy to get to a point when I could hold on to the strong memories I have. They were inappropriate acts even if not penetrative. I have a sense of penetration as well though but only a sense. I am not sure about that.
But the love versus hatred of the sinister can leave me very confused. No wonder I have been icy with my dad and it's felt as if the only way to keep myself safe was to keep him as far away as possible but with too much fear to have no contact at all. I am glad to have stayed as close as I was able to as I see a way through, which is healing for me. Not for everyone but for me it truly is.
I pray for forgiveness, I pray for him to be free of the sinister element if it's still there and to be free of any bad feelings for anything about his life.
I am aware of his shortcomings and can be accceptant of those without being so icy and distant. I am me and can look after myself without needing to keep him away. I still get hurt when I'm vulnerable and wanting him to repair me. But if I am just me and show up without expectations towards and negative or positive slant, then all will be OK. I would not for example share feelings with him today with an expectation of him understanding and being able to hold them with me. I can share feelings with him but holding them myself. This is a miracle. Don't you think?
I raised the point with B this morning about sexualising feelings and using fantasy. And then how repulsed by myself I can be. The only way not to be repulsed is to withdraw completely, and mostly I intend and have been avoiding sexualising emotions. But also the way in the past has been to completely buy into it and for me as an addict that escalates so very quickly. It's like a growth that infiltrates my system in every way. I can visualise it now. It doesn't follow just one trail either. It infiltrates me completely, affecting self-esteem, the love in me, the fears, my spirit, and distorts my thinking. On a daily basis I need to abstain but I'm scared then I become avoidant as I don't know how to be in the middle. It was the same with food until I was shown how. SLAA isn't showing me how, just what not to do. B says give FA a chance so OK I will despite being ashamed to talk about this with someone who isn't immediately obvious of having done similar things or thought similar ways. There is a sort of permission to speak about these things in SLAA for the very nature of the fellowship. That's why there's AA, NA, FA, GA, WA and over 212 of them, so that identification can be made. This is a little reservation I have about B's insistence on not attending SLAA and only going to AA as there are no local FA's I can go to. Humph! Do you see my irritation too?
OK I need to go an finalise my essay ... I have more to write but will be back
Bliss
XX
I am meeting with dad this morning. I had offered and we even arranged to meet more locally to him. But he called me back last evening and said we'd meet in my local town. I checked again but he insisted saying that he wanted a change of scenery. We laughed together about him adventuring the world. Who would have thought that I could be so light-hearted with my dad. With the help of B, FA, God and weighed and measured food, I have been changing my attitude. It's remarkable, a miracle. And so healing.
Until that is I start talking about sexual abuse and the cringes in my body when he attempts to kiss me. In my mind I am certain that's it's bigger than it actually is. It being the repulsion developed from memories of past events. But as I talked about it this morning, I could feel my body tense up and disgust spreading through every vein and nerve ending. I must remember this as evidence that it was real. You see when my dad and I are able to get along I start telling myself I've been lying. It took much therapy to get to a point when I could hold on to the strong memories I have. They were inappropriate acts even if not penetrative. I have a sense of penetration as well though but only a sense. I am not sure about that.
But the love versus hatred of the sinister can leave me very confused. No wonder I have been icy with my dad and it's felt as if the only way to keep myself safe was to keep him as far away as possible but with too much fear to have no contact at all. I am glad to have stayed as close as I was able to as I see a way through, which is healing for me. Not for everyone but for me it truly is.
I pray for forgiveness, I pray for him to be free of the sinister element if it's still there and to be free of any bad feelings for anything about his life.
I am aware of his shortcomings and can be accceptant of those without being so icy and distant. I am me and can look after myself without needing to keep him away. I still get hurt when I'm vulnerable and wanting him to repair me. But if I am just me and show up without expectations towards and negative or positive slant, then all will be OK. I would not for example share feelings with him today with an expectation of him understanding and being able to hold them with me. I can share feelings with him but holding them myself. This is a miracle. Don't you think?
I raised the point with B this morning about sexualising feelings and using fantasy. And then how repulsed by myself I can be. The only way not to be repulsed is to withdraw completely, and mostly I intend and have been avoiding sexualising emotions. But also the way in the past has been to completely buy into it and for me as an addict that escalates so very quickly. It's like a growth that infiltrates my system in every way. I can visualise it now. It doesn't follow just one trail either. It infiltrates me completely, affecting self-esteem, the love in me, the fears, my spirit, and distorts my thinking. On a daily basis I need to abstain but I'm scared then I become avoidant as I don't know how to be in the middle. It was the same with food until I was shown how. SLAA isn't showing me how, just what not to do. B says give FA a chance so OK I will despite being ashamed to talk about this with someone who isn't immediately obvious of having done similar things or thought similar ways. There is a sort of permission to speak about these things in SLAA for the very nature of the fellowship. That's why there's AA, NA, FA, GA, WA and over 212 of them, so that identification can be made. This is a little reservation I have about B's insistence on not attending SLAA and only going to AA as there are no local FA's I can go to. Humph! Do you see my irritation too?
OK I need to go an finalise my essay ... I have more to write but will be back
Bliss
XX
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