Could it be that some people are dyspeptic and like to stay there? Or too afraid to move out from there?
I think in the past I have been dyspeptic.
Actually I came across this word and wanted to use it. I would like to be able to have a better recall of information that trough my life has seeped into my neural pathways but then goes. Where does it go? Does it actually just disappear, gone forever? Or does it get buried or dropped into pits in the brain and overlooked.
I had a half wake half asleep dream. LouLou was playing with a baby badger. They were friends, walking along the street together. The badger kept rolling over in play with LouLou nosing it in play too. This was after having been woken by something around 3.50 am. I then thought I couldn't get to sleep, turning over ideas for my ever going essay and also worrying about time versus increasingly difficult finances. It is getting too costly to live. I am not sure how I can go forward. This Government is screwing me to the hilt. And I am not in as bad a situation as others. My neighbour for example, unwell, unable to work but benefits mean that he can not benefit from heating or food other than soup and bread. I gave him all the foods I can no longer eat. And I paid him to valet my car. He checked the oil and water levels and warned me that I need anti-freeze and windscreen wash soap. I will get that but I can't actually afford it already this month and it's only the 8th March. There is no way I can afford to work part time and yet this full time work and long journey to/from work takes any energy I have for my studying. The way I study means I need time. I am not a fast absorber of information nor able to regurgitate it with ease.
Please God show me what I need to do. I do realise I cold drop the studying and focus on more work and develop a private practice but the studying can give me the qualification needed to create a security for people - it's what people expect and also then I can have better regard from within the field of work. Education is the way for everyone t self betterment and yet this Government are making it harder to attain. Keep the masses in order - I do not like this Governments policy. I know Labour were building huge debts but at least by creating a societal equality of sorts ( and don't get me wrong I saw the growing divide under another guise) - actually lets change that and say that my ideal would be that there is a social service that is used by all. No need for private medical and educational services. The public services could be so good, creating opportunity for everyone. Apparently Denmark have high taxes but wonderful provisions, which means there is not so much to have to pay out from personal income. Smaller population perhaps? And Norway of course is very much a smaller population and a country wealthy in oil and ores so have a lot of export income. However, this system we have is wealth for the wealthy and the less wealthy get poorer. It's HORRID!
I get scared but have to keep bringing God int this. I will be OK whatever happens. Even if the world were to come to an end this evening I will be OK. It will be the end.
This though is not the end of my Blog. Oh no. I've made some more good points in my essay this morning but probably need to explain a little more the point I'm making. And I have one more point to get down and expand upon. Oh and the conclusion. The point I need to make is about object-based attention and I'm not sure what I want to say. I still feel ashamed that I have needed an extension. And how much time out I have to take to assimilate ideas. It's evidence to me that taking in the topics int he first place is not thorough. I like the creating of time lines and keep track of all theorists with their theories and experiments. That all takes time - I need time
Please God show me what is the right thing to do.
I calculated at the current rate of pay if I were to work 4 days per week full time I would need to find another £5000. This year and next - and next year probably would require more with the increases occurring every week. Help me God - is this the direction? Should I be continuing with my studying or give up this stress despite loving learning. It's not the feeling of running from it I had in 2010. No this is wondering what is the best thing to do. If I continue I will need to time to do myself justice or just do the best I can under the circumstances and not like the partial learning. Or give up and concentrate on developing my work skills. How I do that I don't know. I feel a little stuck and I really don't like being stuck in a job. It feels like prison and can cause stress.
So I know God there is a way forward. Please can you show me what it is for my best and other best interest.
I feel certain you will but I get that sort of anticipatory impatience. Perhaps the lesson is simply patience. All in Your time not mine huh?
Right a call to my dad I think. Why not?
Oh before I do, two other things that have shown up. Yesterday meeting was disappointing. I am asking what it is I go for. Noone speaks about recoevery, it's more like a group therpay session withe veryone talking about what's wrong. There is positive speak as well of course. But somehow it doesn't feel like there is one common purpose. No. I liked the sharing from the lady who spoke about ehr recent relapse, mainly because it was focused, despite being about her relapse. I think I need to change my meeting. Actually I know I need to change my meeting.
And also having read "littlegirlyone" I became focused on current bottom-line behaviour although not formally agreed with a sponsor. I had known I needed to move away from contact with inappropriate me. JC after all was married and I amongst others were secret contacts. That's not OK for me. I'm not judging the act of anyone else, just the way that erodes at my trust in others and my own self-esteem for allowing that to happen to me. And then reading littlegirlyone talking about how masturbation is hers. As if I have a right I started thinking a lot about it but this comes with fantasy for me. I engaged and feel displeased with this act. This maybe too much information for some, I apologise but my Blog does warn of explicit discussion and believe me this is tame if you haven't read earlier entries. And others may think it's very extreme to not engage with such acts. However, I am an addict and I know where this can take me. I feel such freedom from fantasy and sexual acting out. Instead of acting out I can work through the feelings that I might have sexualised. I think I seualised anxiety and fear. I am more aware. I need to speak to my sponsor about this but feel very scared to do so. I will approach the matter with her when I see her on Saturday. I think it might be easier face to face. I will see if she has a little time to speak privately.
Interestingly the sex industry is the bigest on the Internet as well as elsewhere. Politically it's another way of keeping a control on the people. Keep them sexualising life and they will be in control. Foolish us. Politicians though are captured by their on demise. Justice is had.
Yipppppeeee I will be at FA on Saturday even though most of the "faces" won't be there as they will be at S's wedding. I wish her well God.
Now a phone call and then back to the essay. I could easily sit back from it and do something else instead. But I want to give it a go - only 600 more words to write I think
Bliss
XX
I think in the past I have been dyspeptic.
Actually I came across this word and wanted to use it. I would like to be able to have a better recall of information that trough my life has seeped into my neural pathways but then goes. Where does it go? Does it actually just disappear, gone forever? Or does it get buried or dropped into pits in the brain and overlooked.
I had a half wake half asleep dream. LouLou was playing with a baby badger. They were friends, walking along the street together. The badger kept rolling over in play with LouLou nosing it in play too. This was after having been woken by something around 3.50 am. I then thought I couldn't get to sleep, turning over ideas for my ever going essay and also worrying about time versus increasingly difficult finances. It is getting too costly to live. I am not sure how I can go forward. This Government is screwing me to the hilt. And I am not in as bad a situation as others. My neighbour for example, unwell, unable to work but benefits mean that he can not benefit from heating or food other than soup and bread. I gave him all the foods I can no longer eat. And I paid him to valet my car. He checked the oil and water levels and warned me that I need anti-freeze and windscreen wash soap. I will get that but I can't actually afford it already this month and it's only the 8th March. There is no way I can afford to work part time and yet this full time work and long journey to/from work takes any energy I have for my studying. The way I study means I need time. I am not a fast absorber of information nor able to regurgitate it with ease.
Please God show me what I need to do. I do realise I cold drop the studying and focus on more work and develop a private practice but the studying can give me the qualification needed to create a security for people - it's what people expect and also then I can have better regard from within the field of work. Education is the way for everyone t self betterment and yet this Government are making it harder to attain. Keep the masses in order - I do not like this Governments policy. I know Labour were building huge debts but at least by creating a societal equality of sorts ( and don't get me wrong I saw the growing divide under another guise) - actually lets change that and say that my ideal would be that there is a social service that is used by all. No need for private medical and educational services. The public services could be so good, creating opportunity for everyone. Apparently Denmark have high taxes but wonderful provisions, which means there is not so much to have to pay out from personal income. Smaller population perhaps? And Norway of course is very much a smaller population and a country wealthy in oil and ores so have a lot of export income. However, this system we have is wealth for the wealthy and the less wealthy get poorer. It's HORRID!
I get scared but have to keep bringing God int this. I will be OK whatever happens. Even if the world were to come to an end this evening I will be OK. It will be the end.
This though is not the end of my Blog. Oh no. I've made some more good points in my essay this morning but probably need to explain a little more the point I'm making. And I have one more point to get down and expand upon. Oh and the conclusion. The point I need to make is about object-based attention and I'm not sure what I want to say. I still feel ashamed that I have needed an extension. And how much time out I have to take to assimilate ideas. It's evidence to me that taking in the topics int he first place is not thorough. I like the creating of time lines and keep track of all theorists with their theories and experiments. That all takes time - I need time
Please God show me what is the right thing to do.
I calculated at the current rate of pay if I were to work 4 days per week full time I would need to find another £5000. This year and next - and next year probably would require more with the increases occurring every week. Help me God - is this the direction? Should I be continuing with my studying or give up this stress despite loving learning. It's not the feeling of running from it I had in 2010. No this is wondering what is the best thing to do. If I continue I will need to time to do myself justice or just do the best I can under the circumstances and not like the partial learning. Or give up and concentrate on developing my work skills. How I do that I don't know. I feel a little stuck and I really don't like being stuck in a job. It feels like prison and can cause stress.
So I know God there is a way forward. Please can you show me what it is for my best and other best interest.
I feel certain you will but I get that sort of anticipatory impatience. Perhaps the lesson is simply patience. All in Your time not mine huh?
Right a call to my dad I think. Why not?
Oh before I do, two other things that have shown up. Yesterday meeting was disappointing. I am asking what it is I go for. Noone speaks about recoevery, it's more like a group therpay session withe veryone talking about what's wrong. There is positive speak as well of course. But somehow it doesn't feel like there is one common purpose. No. I liked the sharing from the lady who spoke about ehr recent relapse, mainly because it was focused, despite being about her relapse. I think I need to change my meeting. Actually I know I need to change my meeting.
And also having read "littlegirlyone" I became focused on current bottom-line behaviour although not formally agreed with a sponsor. I had known I needed to move away from contact with inappropriate me. JC after all was married and I amongst others were secret contacts. That's not OK for me. I'm not judging the act of anyone else, just the way that erodes at my trust in others and my own self-esteem for allowing that to happen to me. And then reading littlegirlyone talking about how masturbation is hers. As if I have a right I started thinking a lot about it but this comes with fantasy for me. I engaged and feel displeased with this act. This maybe too much information for some, I apologise but my Blog does warn of explicit discussion and believe me this is tame if you haven't read earlier entries. And others may think it's very extreme to not engage with such acts. However, I am an addict and I know where this can take me. I feel such freedom from fantasy and sexual acting out. Instead of acting out I can work through the feelings that I might have sexualised. I think I seualised anxiety and fear. I am more aware. I need to speak to my sponsor about this but feel very scared to do so. I will approach the matter with her when I see her on Saturday. I think it might be easier face to face. I will see if she has a little time to speak privately.
Interestingly the sex industry is the bigest on the Internet as well as elsewhere. Politically it's another way of keeping a control on the people. Keep them sexualising life and they will be in control. Foolish us. Politicians though are captured by their on demise. Justice is had.
Yipppppeeee I will be at FA on Saturday even though most of the "faces" won't be there as they will be at S's wedding. I wish her well God.
Now a phone call and then back to the essay. I could easily sit back from it and do something else instead. But I want to give it a go - only 600 more words to write I think
Bliss
XX
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