Hmmm I can so Miss Independent ad then recall other times when I've been this independent. Its the Southdown Convention today. I've decided to make my own way there, not arranged to "hook up" with anyone in particular, expecting to see a number of people I know anyway. Now I'm about to leave and recalling other times I've been this independent and felt like I stick out like a sore thumb and a sense that I am obviously clumsy and uncomfortable and needy. When needy people tend to avoid like the plague. Well that's my sense of things. I am a sensitive person and become super alert when I am feeling in danger. The danger is? Well that I'm vulnerable and exposed. people won't like me because I might latch onto them (and have done), that I can be rejected and therefore feel even lonelier and unlikeable. So I'm going along for about 1 1/2 hours. I need to be back here for 11:30 ready for the AWOL at 12:00. Leaving at 09:00 means I will get there for about 09:30. I hope I will be there for D's share. I'm sure to see some familiar faces and get chatting. Knowing how to chat and then move on, such social skills require practise. And what am I moving on to? That's the exposed feeling. Firstly that I feel awkward, cumbersome, wanting to sound interesting and joyful, then not knowing how leave them for fear of sticking out as the LOSER all alone. Yet I like being independent too. I can appear confident even if I am not feeling it inside. At least my size is contributing to my confidence now rather than deflating me.
Does everyone have this fear. It can become such an impending sense of horror that often I just don't bother to show up for things. I've cancelled many an event and with such shame even in relief. Letting people down. This wouldn't be letting anyone down really not to show up but it's the commitment to me and the support of AA. That's the reason I wanted to go in the first place. Just to be a part of it all in my own little way. So off I go. I know where it is at least. And it will probably be easier to park this morning. It's £4.00. I will go along with questions such as - Do you go to many conventions? How do they contribute to recovery do you think? Lots of people speak so positively about conventions and give this one especially a good press. Do you ever get involved in the organisation of them? What's that like?
Yes keep the focus on them - I would like to avoid saying how are you? If I say anything of this vein I would like to ask how the week has been for them?
I can finish off saying, well I'm going to carry on mingling with people now. Lovely to see you and enjoy your day.
How does that sound?
Please God show me the way to be. I'll show up as I have committed to do so and now I need your help. Thank you. Oh and God please make it a successful day and help a newcomer to see the way through. Thank you.
Bliss
XX
Does everyone have this fear. It can become such an impending sense of horror that often I just don't bother to show up for things. I've cancelled many an event and with such shame even in relief. Letting people down. This wouldn't be letting anyone down really not to show up but it's the commitment to me and the support of AA. That's the reason I wanted to go in the first place. Just to be a part of it all in my own little way. So off I go. I know where it is at least. And it will probably be easier to park this morning. It's £4.00. I will go along with questions such as - Do you go to many conventions? How do they contribute to recovery do you think? Lots of people speak so positively about conventions and give this one especially a good press. Do you ever get involved in the organisation of them? What's that like?
Yes keep the focus on them - I would like to avoid saying how are you? If I say anything of this vein I would like to ask how the week has been for them?
I can finish off saying, well I'm going to carry on mingling with people now. Lovely to see you and enjoy your day.
How does that sound?
Please God show me the way to be. I'll show up as I have committed to do so and now I need your help. Thank you. Oh and God please make it a successful day and help a newcomer to see the way through. Thank you.
Bliss
XX
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