Freedom from labels

Unlike you I am not feeling resourceful enough at the moment. I don't like the fact that the situation at work is affecting me so entirely. I can feel the madness bubbling up. I went to see my doc and he is once again sending me to the psychiatrist. I am not critical but it doesn't feel great. What I'd like to do is just run. Getting signed off from work for an indefinite period sounds great but also sounds like not facing up to things.

When job searching, I was just disheartened by the "do anything" approach I started out with. If anything came out of it I realised that the line of work makes my heart sing. I had this vision of the feeling of a job that would be ideal. It's not very realistic at all and only the sense of the air around the job. I can't get that into words accurately. What I got was a feeling of free flowing energy, fresh air. I have this picture in my mind of blue skies and white fluffy clouds, sweet scented air, fields, breezes, fences. Animals all around, care free and lots of laughter despite the hard work. A one man venture with space and time and embracing. So how do you go to a job agency and say that - I tried to translate it into - being loyal and committed and working with someone who trusts that and embraces it. I also thought it's about something that's ethical and useful, working with someone with similar morals ad principles. Space for some down time. Responsibility, dependability being respected with mutual openness and honesty. Doing something that meets my integrity - and that certainly involves supporting people who want or need to get out of difficulty. Probably fixing my own pain, but nevertheless I get so much joy in my heart from seeing people climbing out of the dark holes and finding their own inspiration, whatever that might be. It really fills my soul.

So I realised that the work I do is not something I want to walk away from. The situation at work coupled with the long drive which is costly in time and fuel is not ideal and I would cherish being closer to home right now.

I went to the EHDC and they have suggested I complete a form with details of the bi-polar. Seeing my Doc I he was very happy to write and support me. I thought he's probably just happy to get rid me off his books. Also seeing the psychiatrist I can ask him at that time. This would be with the purpose of moving. But in reality I have no idea where. Nowhere is a base. And that's becoming a big thought now. I don't have a "home". The funny thing is that I've always felt that anyway. But my mum, as I've said before, was the base point. I felt very home in Chawton. I do wonder if that was because I have very happy memories of being with Simon in Stencott. The difficulties that quickly moved in don't seem to have obliterated those memories of happiness. Surprising because I can not easily remember that feeling of happiness at other times in my life and yet I feel certain there were times. Childhood seems overshadowed always by a blackness and loneliness and terror. There is the gloom of self-hatred with the knowing that I was a wretched child. And yet I get little glimpses of a shy and quiet little girl. I wanted to be loved and was very sensitive but no one seemed to truly understand that or so it seemed to me. No happy memories flood in unless I really think hard. My horse, even that seems dark yet I loved her so, so much. I loved jumping on her back and galloping about Bourne Woods or Frensham Ponds. She was flighty, always on her toes so I never really knew what would happen next and I loved that complete sense of freedom and unknown danger. She was a real character, naughty and cheeky. How lucky I was to have her despite the threats my dad used her for. When was out with her there was no one else about and we were fast together. Gosh I feel tearful writing that about her. I cried and cried when I sold her. I rarely think of those times and so I suddenly miss her again.

Anyway I have also decided to defer my studying until September. I am very stressed. This is triggering the mental bubbling, I've no doubt you will have an understanding of that,. As a result I have not been able to study at all. I've decided that I will defer and I feel such a relief. I am disappointed too because once again mental health overwhelms me and it's life issues that other people seem to get through differently. Nonetheless, it feels right for me. I am just waiting for the OU to confirm that I can defer the costs as well. That I can study when circumstances permit, well to some extent anyway, is one of the reasons for studying with the OU.

It makes me even more impressed with your tenacity because for some reason I cannot get beyond the stresses of my work situation. If I'm not careful I can quickly turn that all against me as evidence of being a waste of space and oxygen. It's there teetering but thankfully i have something else to fall on with the changes I'm practicing with the help of FA.

There isn't a lot of tolerance within some FAers towards the concept of bi-polar, borderline, depression etc. I agree that there is a tendency by professionals to quickly want to diagnose these things. The problem I think is that so many people have experienced a diagnosis that then becomes a solid thing. I really do hold on to the conversation I had with someone I respect enormously. A diagnosis is only ever a moving hypothesis. I totally agree and love working with tat idea always in mind. Nothing then is set in stone and any diagnosis is truly only hypothesis - even very clearly seen physical diseases are moving hypotheses to some level in the understandings we have of them, especially treatments. Thankfully researchers want to give exploring and learning and find out more all the time. Of course I think a diagnosis is also helpful to at least start with some form of support and treatment. I see so many practitioners though get stuck with the diagnosis and therefore think they KNOW the individual. I talk often about this in my clinical supervision to notice the changes as things like supposed borderline traits start to fall away. Keeping in mind that the diagnosis is merely a hypothesis. And sometimes evidence supports the hypothesis but everyone is different, furthermore people are different in different circumstances.

The situation at work with Lyn, Team Leader, has really brought out my fury and my difficulties. I am observing myself as best I can when I can. Sometimes I'm completely lost in the midst of everything that is going on and my emotional reaction to it. often I am so fearful and become quite timid and almost invisible, or at least trying to be. At other times I am raging in my defensiveness.She shifts in her thoughts and processes so quickly and entirely I can at times feel pretty insane. It's crazy making for me. What I'd like is to be self-assured. To be able to hold my boundaries even when they disagree completely with hers or in my opinion lack of boundaries. We have opposing ideas about many things. It is vindicating but doesn't need to matter so much to me if I were self-assured, that other within our little team, think and feel similarly. If I can be more trusting of my instincts then I will be better able to be self-assured. And then I can stand up for my beliefs.

It's so very difficult. She has some good ideas, ideas that I have opposed to begin with and some that I really have myself. But the way in which she operates is truly what is grating.

I visited Occupational Health as I can feel myself toppling into my own mental madness. The funny thing is for the first time I really don't want to go into the highs. I'm experiencing paranoia and my spending has increased. I know I cannot afford to buy but then buy anyway. Things that as soon as I've bought them I know I don't want them anyway. These are little signs. Thankfully I'm noticing. I even last night was working out the ways in which I will get talking to two different guys I've seen in meetings. You know, these things are probably the norm for the majority of people. But I know where I take these things. I just need to keep to my recovery plan which is very "weighed and measured". I have committed to no relationships, so immediately that grounds me again. As with the spending I have made not commitments and have nothing "weighed and measured" about this right now. So it feels like that's a clear pathway to do what I want.

All this I know is the early stages of something that can escalate and I truly don't want that anymore. Even though the thought of "adventures" excites me. Anything to escape the difficulty I feel with this situation. Not blaming even when I want to. Deep down and on the surface I know that Lyn is how she is and the situation is what it is but how it impacts on me and how I deal with that is all down to me with a lot of support required.

I wish I didn't have this mental illness whatever label can be given to it. The label is irrelevant really, it simply is a means of communicating it and trying to be more precise. The reality is I have a mental illness that has a number of presentations. One simple solution doesn't get rid of it or even temper all the symptoms. Some interventions can help me to moderate or temper some symptoms. I guess though that simply doing the FA programme to my best is helping with many of the symptoms.

The thing is as my fear is escalating and with it stress and paranoia and inability to function outside of work a slight tilt towards some behaviours that I link with the mania, I feel as if I burst out of the seams of the recovery programme. It all gets too powerful and overwhelming within me. And then people start to try and contain one portion that I present at the time without seeing the other bits I'm not talking about as they burst out in a completely unexpected direction. Stuart described this as rage. And when I did the workshop with him, the people held me together and there was absolutely no way I could burst out. I was furious and wanted to kill him and hurt them. This is what I need to try to be able to do now. I'm just not sure I feel I have the energy as every ounce of energy is going on trying to remain functioning in the workplace. I am worn down by it all.

I will need to be careful not to regret and then resent Lyn for deferring my course. It is my decision based on the current situation. The situation can and no doubt will change but I will still have deferred my course based on the current situation, if you know what I mean. I will try to utilise the time.

I have some ideas that I am exploring. The hope is to create referrals to start developing my own practice. I can put some energy into that as well as into my early days of recovery. I love being in recovery. I would like to grow stronger as a person with it so that situations such as this one do not wipe me out and affect me so deeply. I want to learn how to be acceptant and wear things lightly. I see that it is possible and most people I have met in FA do agree that they have a mental illness and that this illness takes many forms including the thinking patterns, the sensitivity, the depth of the effect of life on these two as well as attitude and beliefs not to mention emotions.

My paranoia has involved believing that I/we in the office are being recorded or listened to via a hearing system Lyn has because she is deaf. I am convinced she has recorders planted in the office and can hear us wherever she is in the hospital. I also think she is colluding with the manager and reporting every little thing I am saying and doing. I thought that yesterday as she was out for the morning and suddenly the Manager announced an emergency day off, they were together.

I have been having more visual thoughts again which sound crazy as I start to describe them but they are the only way I can see certain things. I am becoming quickly obsessed about things.

All this is the mental illness I feel absolutely certain of this.

What I want and need to do is stick with the programme because it truly embraces the idea of the mental illness without needing to go into the labels. Are labels purely for the purpose of giving medications as a quick fix? I am too paranoid to ramble like this with anyone, even though I started writing this to a friend. It's gone way beyond being something I can share.

So yes stick with the programme. I don;t like that the stress of the situation is arousing all of this. But it is. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems. I've taken some action and now need to follow this through. GP to psychiatrist, Occupational Health to Hospital Director. I will need some help with that because I do not want to present the mental illness to him. I need to be rational and constructive.

I really don;t like that this is what happens. I used to like it in a way because it was a way of escaping. I could claim the mental state then as a way not to face things, simply run away.

If I just stick with the programme then I will get through it - I entirely trust that. I want to explain this to people but right now it's ramblings. I wonder if I can phone someone and abbreviate it all.
I recognise as well that I am talking a lot. That is a tell-tale sign too.

Hucking fell. It's nucking futs. Stick with the programme - all weighed and measured and it will return to normal. There a little sneaky bit of me smiled wryly at the thought of being in the mania and doing things. It's definitely there.

Bliss

XX

This seems very apt ..

In virtually all person-to-person relationships, Bliss, disappointments can be lessened, setbacks can be regained, and little annoyances can be brushed off, when one stops and realizes that such relationships are always temporary.
Physically speaking.
Twister!
    The Universe

As does this ....

One little known secret to making precisely the right move, at precisely the right time in your life, Bliss, is knowing that in all cases, there is more than one right move and more than one right time. Lots and lots more.
In other words, no matter what you do next, or when, so long as you do something, I'll meet you there, smooth the edges, polish the grill, and connect the dots.
Tallyho,
    The Universe