A class taste

Well what a day! All sorts of experiences to ponder and ask for guidance with ....
I always feel awkward and kind of clumsy when I meet with S. To me she seems so gracious and composed but also I think there is something held back. And then I become all sort of gushing and silly. I feel the child that's for sure when I'm with her and yet I'm old enough to be her mother.
And then whilst in the meeting I felt LARGE. Someone came over during our 5 minute break to remark on how tiny I am now. And E who I had met in my first weeks of being in FA also commented on how tiny I am. I felt the opposite. It's seems odd that I can have such an inaccurate sense of my physical self. When I've been LARGE I feel LARGE but don't see it fully until in a photograph or something. And now I'm slim once again I see LARGE, even in photographs. I was sitting in comparison yesterday.
As my sponsor was saying this morning I have this mental illness and a lot of it for me sits in self-hatred. I compare and despair as B says. And this insecurity and self-hatred means I operate in spiritual blindness. This is important to bring God into this today. God I need help to stay away from comparison with others.
I noticed that with some people I feel uneasy. It manifests in different ways. With N I feel that she is wary of me for some reason. She is almost over friendly and then distant both at the same time. I feel irritated by her for some reason. I' not sure what irritates me though. To stay out of my self-centredness I need to keep in mind her background and what might be going on for her. Of course I can project my ideas of what her issues might be onto her and that can make it worse. I know she had a relapse and returned having gained a lot of weight. When I've been bigger than other people who were once bigger than me I can have real jealousy and even hatred. It's of course hatred for myself really. So I wonder if I'm projecting that onto her. I have felt a difference in her from the friendly person I met. I have stopped calling her and she's stopped calling me. I will call her and say that I've noticed we speak less even though it was regularly anyway.
And with C I see a real defensiveness from her. She looks suspicious. I consider that her childhood in NI must have a real impact on relating with people and life  general. She can't be that old, she doesn't look that old but old enough to have had to live through some very difficult times. Probably even basic survival things. I was please that I was aware of my lack of desire to make contact with her - keep her at a distance because she is distant from me. So I said hello and reminded her who I was because I usually think no one will remember me. We chatted for a while and managed to establish a few things going on for her. She wants to return home and I learnt a little about her job, which she loves. I mentioned to B that I felt jealous of her. And when speaking to H this morning she said she often asks herself what it is she's jealous of in a person as it can be a realisation of things she wants to do. Some of my jealousy is often banal. I'm jealous that B might like C more than me. Or that others seem to like her despite my thinking of her as stand offish and suspicious. That;s when I think it would be important to step aside from my self and learn more about the person. And that's when I can bring to min that perhaps her environment has influenced the way she is. Maybe she's not suspicious at all but that's how it seems. She is very cautious about the people she has contact with. Now she is a little more familiar in the rooms perhaps she will be less threatened by other less frequent visitors. Maybe it's nothing like that at all. I would be interesting in knowing but I think that will take time. Interestingly for me the more someone is withdrawn or distant the more gushing I can be or completely ignore them.
With V i sensed a distance. However, by persevering and talking with her she has been more open. That's not my talking I hasten to add as she stated the other day how detached she realised she can be and is making a concerted effort to engage at a different level. I feel honoured that I am one of the person she has done that with this week.
So all these interactions - it's so fascinating. Then spending time with V. It was delightful that when I spoke with him on the phone and mentioned that I was visiting the Victoria Miro gallery to see the Grayson Perry tapestries, he asked if he could come along too. It was a really lovely afternoon. He is so at ease talking about all sorts of things. He was a little reluctant to talk about his family. He has decided to detach from them. His mother moved to Ghana a long time ago now. He is only in his mid 20's so he has had to fend for himself for a long time. He has no contact with his brothers. I wonder why? I had already felt as if I had pried too much as his entire demeanour altered when talking about these matters. So I backed off despite being intrigued to know more. i have to remind myself I'm not at work and also there is time to be light and breezy. So we were and there was much joviality between us.
I was really amazed at myself having taken us on the number 17 bus to Wharf Road, N1 but it was the N1C  bit that meant we were in the wrong place. Tra la la. We laughed but also I felt guilty and over remorseful. For goodness sake I made a mistake and it was a use of the internet that I didn't bother to check. Who would have thought there could be two Wharf Roads in London N1 even with the subtle difference that I didn't check. V was so gracious talking about the many times he's travelled about and got to a place without knowing where he was and to add to the problem no map either. But here we were generally in the right direction and with the wonder of an iPhone access to Maps app. It meant a little walk through to Angel and then a short bus trip. I enjoy travelling around London by bus, so much more interesting than by tube. Another short walk chatting about all sorts of things and presto! we arrived. Victoria Miro gallery, Wharf Road, Islington, London, N1. What a fantastic premises for a gallery. And Grayson Perry's tapestries were tremendous. Here are some rather poor photos as a taster ....

Unfortunately the photos of the Upper Class tapestries didn't come out clearly, well only two of them are really worth displaying. A real pity.

There are a number of things I'd like to know more about N.E.S.L - what does this stand for? It probably did say in the series. And the anchor appears in some way in each of the tapestries W.R.A.

It became clearer the ways in which the tapestries are influenced by the renaissance paintings as mentioned in the galleries description of the tapestries. As well of course as the inspiration Grayson has apparently taken from William Hogarth's The Rakes Progress. Which I have discovered is at the John Sloane's Museum in Lincoln's Inn Field. I of course now want to go there more urgently than ever. It's been something A and I have been discussing and G too.

Gosh there is so much detail it's difficult to even pin point some of the things I discussed yesterday whilst actually there. Something that was immediate to V was that the Upper Class seemed to be actually transversed with working class. He pointed out everything in the tapestry (and this is the one that I don't have an even half decent photo of) is what he knows to be working class. He said that it could be anywhere in London and then of course reading the scripture of the tapestry it became clear that he was right. The move through the classes is apparently an emulation of Tome Rakeford's journey into wealth, then loss then rebuilding of wealth and finally dying in despair and mental illness. Interesting. The funny thing is that the happiest tapestries were the working class ones. Despite all the buys-ness of them, they were bright and cheerful. The middle class tapestries appeared to be less jolly despite appearance and the upper class tapestries just seem spacious but empty space, not airy. The of course the last one showing hi dead in the gutter despite all his wealth. Gosh a very poignant tale. Is that how it is? Yes I guess for some there is that growth from nothing to enormous wealth and all the trappings but despair with it. The working classes maybe be clamouring for financial security but they are finding pleasure in more simple things. What happens to the thinkers though?

Well it's nearly AWOL time.

A way of life not absent without leave. It's funny really because it's quite the opposite from the absence, it's a real showing up for life. And yet every time I can think of it as absence.

I'm feeling hungry. I'm not sure if this is tiredness. or that I have so many things I need to do and don't want to do them - such as writing a bit more of the accreditation dissertation, tidying and cleaning, reading, walking LouLou. It's probably a complete mix of all of these things.

Oh and I want to call my dad too but have forgotten yet again to talk to anyone about this. I will call someone before I do it.

And then there was the texting with M this morning. I can seem to me that I get it very wrong with M so often. She tells me how she's feeling about things but with little compassion. Or maybe I receive it with little compassion. She is angry that I sent texts and emails asking how she is. She felt that the email was just another way of getting in and as if I'd ignored her text response. It seems to me as if she is confusing me with her mum. Would it be wrong to say such a thing. Well yes for the time being I think it is wrong to say such a thing. Instead I sent a string of words that were from my heart and also my hurt. I will include this text conversation in a separate Blog. Just for interest as it is important in working how to relate with people in the loving and caring way I desire to communicate. People matter to me and I want to convey that value in my actions and not just my words. As I have seen with Grayson Perry and with V and some other people.

I need to continue writing about this as it's important to get down I think.

So bye for now

Bliss

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