It's remarkable how this fellowship works. Here I am typing away and wondering then S phones. She is so positive and upbeat. She shared with me how tired and grumpy she is this morning after having done her 12 hour night shift. But then her realistic gratitude. By doing this shift once a week it enables her to follow her dreams. She has the rest of the week to do the work she loves. That sounds fantastic. I must must must send the email off today to KB sating what I would like. I would like to work 33 hours a week for the same salary I'm on now at 37.5 hours. I would also like £50 per week for petrol costs which works out to be an additional £2600. This would mean that I would have Friday's off and thereby create study time and reduce costs as well as travelling time. I would also like that they continue to honour the 12 study days equating to one per month. I could take this then on Mondays and have long weekends creating study time for assignments. Would it be appropriate do you think to ask about training in family therapy. It would enhance their service delivery and improve my own skills so a win win situation.
Anyway S has recently taken on a sponsee and she asked if she could give my pone number because I have such a positive attitude when this person seems to be already kicking against the suggestions. She called. What a wonderful call, reminding me of me and sharing openly with me. She talked about wanting a particular food type and then I was able to share with her how when I wanted something specific someone had asked what I would get from that food. She said it would take the edge of things and make everything smoother. She then went onto explain her recent situation concerning work. I hear from her worry I think about work and finances. Especially as she later asked about something she had heard in a reading during the meeting. As she went on I guessed it was the Promises and read the passage with the promises from the AA Big Book. We then discussed the part were it says "Fear of people and financial insecurity will leave us". She asked me what I thought about this. I'll come back to this point because it was really lovely to hear how she found the question about what it is she is wanting from milk in her coffee and she identified taking away the edge and making things smoother. She went on herself to talk about ways in which she could do that without the milk. I was amazed when I was asked the same thing and then found the ways I could get comfort and cosiness and another time variety.
I had been wanting soup. Homemade all cosy and warming soup. It was dark and wintry as I drove home and no doubt it had been another difficult day in the office with my insecurity being once again heightened and tapped into. When I was asked what I wanted from soup I wanted to feel all cosy and safe. Instead of having soup as a result of this conversation or feeling hard done by because I couldn't have soup, I was able to wrap myself up in blankets, curl up in the settee with my hot water bottle and watch banal things on TV. I am so harsh on myself I won't have a TV so that I cannot escape with banal. Then again by the snobbish I can display about such things it's probably a good idea. After all if it's mind dumbing and gossipy it's really not my cuppa or is it that I just don't want to engage in that sort of thing. Who knows? Anyway I found a way of not seeking what I wanted through food.
Another time I was thinking I wanted a variety of flavours and tastes. This food plan is very much about simplifying foods and minimising variety. This I found so interesting after studying an experiment, albeit using rats. but where variety actually played a part in food addiction. I must read that more thoroughly.
Oooh it's nearly AWOL time - 12:00, midday. I missed it last week even though I'm not getting the almighty and blinding light and enlightenment I think I've been expecting. I said I wasn't expecting much but I realise now that I am. When asked those sort of questions I'm never really sure and then it wouldn't occur to me to say that I'm expecting something big and flashy and wondrous. I will share about that some time with someone. Not the expectation itself but the fact that it wouldn't occur to me to say that. of course as soon as I acknowledge it I know that I need to step away from expectation, positive or negative and accept things as they are. You see this is the enlightenment I'm getting by keeping my food clean. It's simple realisations. I have a feeling with it. Moving to the feeling of this it's as if these ways of being are so light, they are mere scatterings of wispy, fluffy clouds. Just a hint of a cloud so small and diaphanous that it's barely noticeable. It barely moves and has no weight. There's a stillness, held in motionless suspension, just out of reach and even when it's grabbed up it seems to disperse and flitter out into smaller pieces and almost invisibly reconvene. These are the wispy things that actually can be motivators for more obvious sensitivities and issues.
Anyway back to E. So it was wonderful to hear her challenging her wants so early on in recovery. Just one day. Woweeeee! And I loved hearing about her very supportive boyfriend. He takes her out for meals and that of course is an issue anyway. Now they will be meeting without going out for meals and introduce a whole different way of being intimate. I think I said I'm not suggesting that's the only way you have been intimate as I didn't want to cause animosity so early on. It was a real delight talking to her. That is a step in going to any lengths - calling out.
Then the promises. How wonderful she asked and I guessed to what she was referring. And sharing my experience was really helpful to me. The fact that I reminded myself that for today I have enough and I am enough. I have fears for the future but bringing it back to this moment I am OK and trust that it will be OK in the future too. It has been thus far and things come out of nowhere.
Thank you God for taking care of me in ways I would never think of. Thank you God for helping to maintain my abstinence and not rely solely on myself. Thank you God for helping me to share my shame about my financial circumstances and be reminded that I have more than I need and the rest is simply desires. If I'm meant to have them they will come. I say that in hope that by not being demanding they will happen - like a loving, wealthy, content, spiritual, lovable, likable, boyfriend. This are not the limits of my wants God. Just in case you are working on this man for me. I am ashamed about the whole escapade two years ago. JH was a part of it but the shame is me and my part in it. I feel sad too for the me that wants and wanted to be that person. It is not so loving and yet I could dress it up as that. The denial is still there as I'm even questioning exactly what is wrong with the wanting to be enslaved as a way of being able to love and be loved. That's so not loving towards me. God would not want this for me surely. I wonder if JH would want it for his daughter? No. I'm pretty certain he would not. Or indeed for his son? Then why would I want it for me? I would not want that for my little God daughter or my bigger God daughter. I want for them to be in truly equal and loving relationships that are supportive and fun and close and intimate.
So I am a little jealous of others who are in loving relationships. It is just not my course I guess. I am getting to be comfortable with my own time. It's restful and I can bring into my life as much or as little and in my own time frame as I want and need. That is a luxury. I'm not afraid of being late for anyone or needing to share my time. I'm free.
I talked to E about the lifestyle I had and lost and my shame about my lowly income and my social housing compared with being the Business analyst and jet-setting and partying etc. She asked if it was a better life then. Well I had more things if I wanted them but to be truthful I was irresponsible and really was losing everything way back then in exchange for the partying etc. And now this is more stable, less drama. It's a more spiritual path. If I could have everything I would take it. But it seems it's not possible. I cannot eat cake and stay sane.
So writing my book that would be a helpful resource for someone else .... here it is and free for anyone to read. It's not chronological as in a way to do this perfectly but it is real experience. I will write more about the food as I thin this is crucially important.
I am soon to leave for the AWOL but very quickly ...
A couple of times I have written wrong amounts in my daily food plan. For example this morning I wrote 8oz of salad instead of 6 and 8oz rice instead of 4. My sponsor thankfully picked this out and suggested that I ask God to help me be more conscious as I am writing my food plan. It's tending to become more of a technique that a real engagement with that I will be eating for the day. This has started happening in the past few weeks. To begin with I just thought it absent-mindedness. But that absent-mindedness is really significant. I was absent-minded when I weighed out too much cheese and then chose to guess the appearance of about the right weight rather than re-weighing it. This is not consciousness of preparation in a similar way of the writing down.
What is this God? Please help me to stay vigilant and engaged.
OK AWOL call time. I'm tired so will need to really concentrate. I may nap afterwards. Well after lunch.
Bliss
XX
Anyway S has recently taken on a sponsee and she asked if she could give my pone number because I have such a positive attitude when this person seems to be already kicking against the suggestions. She called. What a wonderful call, reminding me of me and sharing openly with me. She talked about wanting a particular food type and then I was able to share with her how when I wanted something specific someone had asked what I would get from that food. She said it would take the edge of things and make everything smoother. She then went onto explain her recent situation concerning work. I hear from her worry I think about work and finances. Especially as she later asked about something she had heard in a reading during the meeting. As she went on I guessed it was the Promises and read the passage with the promises from the AA Big Book. We then discussed the part were it says "Fear of people and financial insecurity will leave us". She asked me what I thought about this. I'll come back to this point because it was really lovely to hear how she found the question about what it is she is wanting from milk in her coffee and she identified taking away the edge and making things smoother. She went on herself to talk about ways in which she could do that without the milk. I was amazed when I was asked the same thing and then found the ways I could get comfort and cosiness and another time variety.
I had been wanting soup. Homemade all cosy and warming soup. It was dark and wintry as I drove home and no doubt it had been another difficult day in the office with my insecurity being once again heightened and tapped into. When I was asked what I wanted from soup I wanted to feel all cosy and safe. Instead of having soup as a result of this conversation or feeling hard done by because I couldn't have soup, I was able to wrap myself up in blankets, curl up in the settee with my hot water bottle and watch banal things on TV. I am so harsh on myself I won't have a TV so that I cannot escape with banal. Then again by the snobbish I can display about such things it's probably a good idea. After all if it's mind dumbing and gossipy it's really not my cuppa or is it that I just don't want to engage in that sort of thing. Who knows? Anyway I found a way of not seeking what I wanted through food.
Another time I was thinking I wanted a variety of flavours and tastes. This food plan is very much about simplifying foods and minimising variety. This I found so interesting after studying an experiment, albeit using rats. but where variety actually played a part in food addiction. I must read that more thoroughly.
Oooh it's nearly AWOL time - 12:00, midday. I missed it last week even though I'm not getting the almighty and blinding light and enlightenment I think I've been expecting. I said I wasn't expecting much but I realise now that I am. When asked those sort of questions I'm never really sure and then it wouldn't occur to me to say that I'm expecting something big and flashy and wondrous. I will share about that some time with someone. Not the expectation itself but the fact that it wouldn't occur to me to say that. of course as soon as I acknowledge it I know that I need to step away from expectation, positive or negative and accept things as they are. You see this is the enlightenment I'm getting by keeping my food clean. It's simple realisations. I have a feeling with it. Moving to the feeling of this it's as if these ways of being are so light, they are mere scatterings of wispy, fluffy clouds. Just a hint of a cloud so small and diaphanous that it's barely noticeable. It barely moves and has no weight. There's a stillness, held in motionless suspension, just out of reach and even when it's grabbed up it seems to disperse and flitter out into smaller pieces and almost invisibly reconvene. These are the wispy things that actually can be motivators for more obvious sensitivities and issues.
Anyway back to E. So it was wonderful to hear her challenging her wants so early on in recovery. Just one day. Woweeeee! And I loved hearing about her very supportive boyfriend. He takes her out for meals and that of course is an issue anyway. Now they will be meeting without going out for meals and introduce a whole different way of being intimate. I think I said I'm not suggesting that's the only way you have been intimate as I didn't want to cause animosity so early on. It was a real delight talking to her. That is a step in going to any lengths - calling out.
Then the promises. How wonderful she asked and I guessed to what she was referring. And sharing my experience was really helpful to me. The fact that I reminded myself that for today I have enough and I am enough. I have fears for the future but bringing it back to this moment I am OK and trust that it will be OK in the future too. It has been thus far and things come out of nowhere.
Thank you God for taking care of me in ways I would never think of. Thank you God for helping to maintain my abstinence and not rely solely on myself. Thank you God for helping me to share my shame about my financial circumstances and be reminded that I have more than I need and the rest is simply desires. If I'm meant to have them they will come. I say that in hope that by not being demanding they will happen - like a loving, wealthy, content, spiritual, lovable, likable, boyfriend. This are not the limits of my wants God. Just in case you are working on this man for me. I am ashamed about the whole escapade two years ago. JH was a part of it but the shame is me and my part in it. I feel sad too for the me that wants and wanted to be that person. It is not so loving and yet I could dress it up as that. The denial is still there as I'm even questioning exactly what is wrong with the wanting to be enslaved as a way of being able to love and be loved. That's so not loving towards me. God would not want this for me surely. I wonder if JH would want it for his daughter? No. I'm pretty certain he would not. Or indeed for his son? Then why would I want it for me? I would not want that for my little God daughter or my bigger God daughter. I want for them to be in truly equal and loving relationships that are supportive and fun and close and intimate.
So I am a little jealous of others who are in loving relationships. It is just not my course I guess. I am getting to be comfortable with my own time. It's restful and I can bring into my life as much or as little and in my own time frame as I want and need. That is a luxury. I'm not afraid of being late for anyone or needing to share my time. I'm free.
I talked to E about the lifestyle I had and lost and my shame about my lowly income and my social housing compared with being the Business analyst and jet-setting and partying etc. She asked if it was a better life then. Well I had more things if I wanted them but to be truthful I was irresponsible and really was losing everything way back then in exchange for the partying etc. And now this is more stable, less drama. It's a more spiritual path. If I could have everything I would take it. But it seems it's not possible. I cannot eat cake and stay sane.
So writing my book that would be a helpful resource for someone else .... here it is and free for anyone to read. It's not chronological as in a way to do this perfectly but it is real experience. I will write more about the food as I thin this is crucially important.
I am soon to leave for the AWOL but very quickly ...
A couple of times I have written wrong amounts in my daily food plan. For example this morning I wrote 8oz of salad instead of 6 and 8oz rice instead of 4. My sponsor thankfully picked this out and suggested that I ask God to help me be more conscious as I am writing my food plan. It's tending to become more of a technique that a real engagement with that I will be eating for the day. This has started happening in the past few weeks. To begin with I just thought it absent-mindedness. But that absent-mindedness is really significant. I was absent-minded when I weighed out too much cheese and then chose to guess the appearance of about the right weight rather than re-weighing it. This is not consciousness of preparation in a similar way of the writing down.
What is this God? Please help me to stay vigilant and engaged.
OK AWOL call time. I'm tired so will need to really concentrate. I may nap afterwards. Well after lunch.
Bliss
XX
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