I'm feeling rather full up after lunch. Yet immediately after eating I wanted more. But now my tummy feels filled out. I think it's swelling which could be related to eating cauliflower that's possibly too old to be eating. O well. I am trying to be cautious with spending and that means making every scrap of food count.
I met with my dad. He arrived and made some comment about being outside of the coffee shop at 10:20. Before he carried on I said that I'd seen him entering the car park. He then came up with a story about a bus blocking the road and him stopping and being rudely threatening towards the driver. Of course I just know that was bullshit. I wonder why he feels the need. It's as if he's a big strong guy still and wanting to scare. It's power and hides a lack of self I believe. It saddens me as I write that and consider what's underneath the aggressive tones and manner. I suspect this also covered up the fact he was late and was beginning to lie.
He then revealed without meaning to that he had dropped Theresa off and that she hadn't wanted to some and had a coffee as well. Apparently he has a urinary infection and has to go and get an injection. I have no idea if it's true and that I guess is the really sad part of this that it's difficult to know what is the truth or embellished or downright fantasy.
I didn't know what to talk about. I stuck to the recent art galleries and events I'd been to. I mentioned Brick Lane and there was a little meeting of paths talking about how different it is. He recognised Brick Lane as a once slum area of London. If a car had been stolen you'd be likely to find it dumped in Brick Lane. All these once depressed areas are now trendy and expensive. Even Hackney!
There was some discussion about his health issues. He complimented me saying that I don't look my age at all.
Anyhow, I noticed that I felt jealous when he was saying that he couldn't stay long as he and Theresa......There was a part of this though that was me feeling let down. Yet again he wanted to get away as quickly as possible. And not even be able to be truthful, or maybe he was but who really knows? I suspect he doesn't truly know what's true or not these days. This jealousy though was goo to notice.
As soon as I noticed I was able to stop the next words in case it came out negatively and rudely. I enquired after Theresa. He protested that he doesn't see her daughters and doesn't like them. Again it just didn't ring true. But who knows? He was just so rude about them, well specifically the youngest one. He cana't bear the way she goes on and on talking about nothing.
Actually so much of what he says seems to be difficult to discern whether it's true or not and this makes conversation difficult really. It's so obvious that it's not all true. He makes a fool over him. I know that other people have indicated that he's fake. I wonder if Theresa's seen it too. She must have by now.
They spend so much time visiting the hospital and when asking what they like doing, he said sitting by the sea and visiting Southsea from time to time to watch the boats. I wonder if I could find some nice deckchairs for his Father's Day present. Or something that would facilitate a little comfort whilst sitting on the beach. I will look out for something. Whenever do I get to visit the shops?
I would like to find a little something for AW. She left on Thursday. Thank goodness a few people could be mustered together to make a formal goodbye. It was all so last minute and meaningless I realised. I would not want the same to be done for me. Not in that manner anyway.
Yuch! So fake. Thankfully there was a contribution to her collection and people signed her card.
I am pleased though, returning to the meeting with my dad, that I was aware of my emotions and able therefore to check my attitude and behaviour. Moreover, the self pity and fury was short lived. I recognised these as I started the drive home. I do feel angry that it's difficult to pick through the bullshit. I'm upset that he doesn't really want to spend time with me and then I project that anger onto Theresa, having him under the thumb. Yet I can also relate to it. I was afraid to be out for too long when I was with SH. I would stay a tad longer (co dependently not being able to leave) and yet scared of not leaving too. Oh gosh such painful ways of operating, or not operating. He may have different agendas and motives but I can recognise the mixed up behaviours.
I told him about the BBQ this evening. I told him this so that would know that people do nice things for me. I wanted him to feel guilty actually - manipulation. I did thank him for the cheque. He started to have a go at me for not cashing it yet. I didn't say sorry in any shape or form and take responsibility for past times cashing it very late but I did say that I have difficulty getting to a bank blah, blah, blah. I wished I taken responsibility and had been able to say that it wasn't my intention to inconvenience him when he was giving me a gift.
IN reality though and overall I did incredibly well. I didn't get it perfectly right but it's a miracle how far I am away from 7 or 8 months ago. And a million miles from the way I was 12 years ago. 12 years ago I had come out of treatment, mum was ill and I was avoiding my dad meaning that I didn't see much of my mum. Then it became more serious illness and I was there all the time. So mixed up!!!
And here I am today simply not owning one thing during the brief encounter and being compassionate and taking on a loving attitude for the most part. I feel pleased with this progress and still have things to work on.
Please God help me to manage the sadness, the anger, the jealousy and the confusion.
Thank you God. Oh and please show me the right thing to do with regard to the job. And please show me how to make amends to S.
How will I manage the clients that I see on a 1:1 basis? These people matter to me. They really do.
Bliss
XX
I met with my dad. He arrived and made some comment about being outside of the coffee shop at 10:20. Before he carried on I said that I'd seen him entering the car park. He then came up with a story about a bus blocking the road and him stopping and being rudely threatening towards the driver. Of course I just know that was bullshit. I wonder why he feels the need. It's as if he's a big strong guy still and wanting to scare. It's power and hides a lack of self I believe. It saddens me as I write that and consider what's underneath the aggressive tones and manner. I suspect this also covered up the fact he was late and was beginning to lie.
He then revealed without meaning to that he had dropped Theresa off and that she hadn't wanted to some and had a coffee as well. Apparently he has a urinary infection and has to go and get an injection. I have no idea if it's true and that I guess is the really sad part of this that it's difficult to know what is the truth or embellished or downright fantasy.
I didn't know what to talk about. I stuck to the recent art galleries and events I'd been to. I mentioned Brick Lane and there was a little meeting of paths talking about how different it is. He recognised Brick Lane as a once slum area of London. If a car had been stolen you'd be likely to find it dumped in Brick Lane. All these once depressed areas are now trendy and expensive. Even Hackney!
There was some discussion about his health issues. He complimented me saying that I don't look my age at all.
Anyhow, I noticed that I felt jealous when he was saying that he couldn't stay long as he and Theresa......There was a part of this though that was me feeling let down. Yet again he wanted to get away as quickly as possible. And not even be able to be truthful, or maybe he was but who really knows? I suspect he doesn't truly know what's true or not these days. This jealousy though was goo to notice.
As soon as I noticed I was able to stop the next words in case it came out negatively and rudely. I enquired after Theresa. He protested that he doesn't see her daughters and doesn't like them. Again it just didn't ring true. But who knows? He was just so rude about them, well specifically the youngest one. He cana't bear the way she goes on and on talking about nothing.
Actually so much of what he says seems to be difficult to discern whether it's true or not and this makes conversation difficult really. It's so obvious that it's not all true. He makes a fool over him. I know that other people have indicated that he's fake. I wonder if Theresa's seen it too. She must have by now.
They spend so much time visiting the hospital and when asking what they like doing, he said sitting by the sea and visiting Southsea from time to time to watch the boats. I wonder if I could find some nice deckchairs for his Father's Day present. Or something that would facilitate a little comfort whilst sitting on the beach. I will look out for something. Whenever do I get to visit the shops?
I would like to find a little something for AW. She left on Thursday. Thank goodness a few people could be mustered together to make a formal goodbye. It was all so last minute and meaningless I realised. I would not want the same to be done for me. Not in that manner anyway.
Yuch! So fake. Thankfully there was a contribution to her collection and people signed her card.
I am pleased though, returning to the meeting with my dad, that I was aware of my emotions and able therefore to check my attitude and behaviour. Moreover, the self pity and fury was short lived. I recognised these as I started the drive home. I do feel angry that it's difficult to pick through the bullshit. I'm upset that he doesn't really want to spend time with me and then I project that anger onto Theresa, having him under the thumb. Yet I can also relate to it. I was afraid to be out for too long when I was with SH. I would stay a tad longer (co dependently not being able to leave) and yet scared of not leaving too. Oh gosh such painful ways of operating, or not operating. He may have different agendas and motives but I can recognise the mixed up behaviours.
I told him about the BBQ this evening. I told him this so that would know that people do nice things for me. I wanted him to feel guilty actually - manipulation. I did thank him for the cheque. He started to have a go at me for not cashing it yet. I didn't say sorry in any shape or form and take responsibility for past times cashing it very late but I did say that I have difficulty getting to a bank blah, blah, blah. I wished I taken responsibility and had been able to say that it wasn't my intention to inconvenience him when he was giving me a gift.
IN reality though and overall I did incredibly well. I didn't get it perfectly right but it's a miracle how far I am away from 7 or 8 months ago. And a million miles from the way I was 12 years ago. 12 years ago I had come out of treatment, mum was ill and I was avoiding my dad meaning that I didn't see much of my mum. Then it became more serious illness and I was there all the time. So mixed up!!!
And here I am today simply not owning one thing during the brief encounter and being compassionate and taking on a loving attitude for the most part. I feel pleased with this progress and still have things to work on.
Please God help me to manage the sadness, the anger, the jealousy and the confusion.
Thank you God. Oh and please show me the right thing to do with regard to the job. And please show me how to make amends to S.
How will I manage the clients that I see on a 1:1 basis? These people matter to me. They really do.
Bliss
XX
No comments:
Post a Comment