Well I just nee to record this before it disperses into the ether.
This morning talking with my sponsor and for the umpteemeth time she suggested that I need to take the focus away from my judegements, likes and dislikes of L. I hasten to add that through this week things have improved since making amends. Did I tell you about that?
Here are my perceptions on what has happened on that. Earlier this year, way back in February, there was a day that would mean SH and I were in alone. SH was insistent that we needed a sessional. I didn't actually agree but was so cross that L wasn't listening to SH and arguing against her and added to that worried that as SH was becoming more and more unhappy that she would leave and I'd then be left behind - selfish - plus I really feel happy and trusting working with SH. I wanted her to be happier so that she wouldn't leave (me). So I jumped in on the argument and made it my own. Stepping into protect SH who backed off as I took up the cause. As a result L arranged sessional work. Who came in and without consulting us, not that I'd have been able to own those underyling motives at the time, he went to the manager questioning why he was there. As a result of that, the manager came into the office and asked me why the sessional was needed. I said "I don't know, L organised it". I was also afraid of the sessional person's judgement of me you see. Weak that I wanted a sessional and could see how unstructured I would look if I owned that I had wanted a sessional. So many lies, all motivated by fears of different sorts. But ultimately fear of being rejected by people I relly like. How muddled I am and the chaos that followed.
This has situation anyway has been raised several times. I carried on the lie by denying hat I had said "I don't know". Of course people knew I had. Nothing added up. L has raised this several times and earlier this week I really allowed it to sink in. I became honest with my sponsor. I really had heard L and reading between the lines but more at an instictual level knew this was a problem for her with me. I actaully said something like knowing there was some issue between us and she referred to it at that time. So speaking with B firstly she was so loving and pointed out how wonderful that I was becoming humble. And the truth was becoming the healing. She said that now I could make amends but I didn't know how so she gave me some ideas.
I went in that day knowing that the opportunity would present itself when I would be able to say my lines, that I truly, truly meant. I was squirming inside.
A moment of silence fell over the office and I asked if she had a moment I could speak with her. I didn't want it to be in passing and she would be called away at such an important moment.
I referred back to the issue spoken about yesterday and said that she was right. That in fear I had not taken responsibility. I said I had looked at my process and didn;t need to go into detail abuot that but that I was very sorry. She was relieved. She responded with a big thank you and added that she hadn't be able to trust me but now knew she could. She also said that she now knew she wasn't going mad. She went on to talk about the ways in which she over reacts to situations and doesn't like how she's been behaving and is working on that. That was nice to hear to and I smiled. I finished by saying that i wouldn't expect her to trust me but that I am a loyal and hardworking employee and that I can only show my turstworthiness by being trustworthy.
I just don't remember how it ended but we seemed to move on naturally adn teh rest of the week has been so much ligther for me. I feel better able to be me and even ask questions differently.
I am showing by asking I think that I can be intereted in different ideas and be flexibale and adaptable and also not contentious.
Anyway back to the revelation of this morning. My sponsor had asked how I was and I talked startaight away about the fact that things had been easier at work but that whilst I was seeing things I liked about L I also didn't really like her, that I was tired and so on and so on. B at this point said that I needed to stop juging L and that I need to bring the focus back to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah! And then she asked me what I was doing in my private life. My first utter was a moan about during the week being tired and getting back late, and what with meetings etc usually I get home, write my meals down, make my meals for the next day and go to bed. I added humpily that there was little time for my own interests. So then she asked what I was doing this weekend.
This weekend I am meeting with M to plan our holiday and then this evening we are going to Taming of the Shrew with a couple of other friends joining us. Tomorrow after the AWOL I am going out with DC to learn how to use the camera he has leant me. "That's sounds wonderful!", she said and continued to point out that she knows little of the other things I do. It became clear as she explained that it's almost obsessional. This blew my mind as I suddenly realised in line with other people saying they know little about the things I am doing, it's because I don't tell them anything other than what is probably my obessional thinkings. I don't tell my dad anything or friends but often it's because I don;t think it is very interesting. Things I do aren't interesting to other people. I want to find out about them before I tell them anything because if I reveal things about me that match them they will like me. My dad can't be bothered with detail and womens interests. It's been like this all of my life I think.
So there's probably other layers of processing going on but this for me was like having the mirror completely held up in front of me.
So I'm off now to start doing the thigns I'm doing today.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Bliss
XX
ps spellchecker isn't working - please excuse typo's
This morning talking with my sponsor and for the umpteemeth time she suggested that I need to take the focus away from my judegements, likes and dislikes of L. I hasten to add that through this week things have improved since making amends. Did I tell you about that?
Here are my perceptions on what has happened on that. Earlier this year, way back in February, there was a day that would mean SH and I were in alone. SH was insistent that we needed a sessional. I didn't actually agree but was so cross that L wasn't listening to SH and arguing against her and added to that worried that as SH was becoming more and more unhappy that she would leave and I'd then be left behind - selfish - plus I really feel happy and trusting working with SH. I wanted her to be happier so that she wouldn't leave (me). So I jumped in on the argument and made it my own. Stepping into protect SH who backed off as I took up the cause. As a result L arranged sessional work. Who came in and without consulting us, not that I'd have been able to own those underyling motives at the time, he went to the manager questioning why he was there. As a result of that, the manager came into the office and asked me why the sessional was needed. I said "I don't know, L organised it". I was also afraid of the sessional person's judgement of me you see. Weak that I wanted a sessional and could see how unstructured I would look if I owned that I had wanted a sessional. So many lies, all motivated by fears of different sorts. But ultimately fear of being rejected by people I relly like. How muddled I am and the chaos that followed.
This has situation anyway has been raised several times. I carried on the lie by denying hat I had said "I don't know". Of course people knew I had. Nothing added up. L has raised this several times and earlier this week I really allowed it to sink in. I became honest with my sponsor. I really had heard L and reading between the lines but more at an instictual level knew this was a problem for her with me. I actaully said something like knowing there was some issue between us and she referred to it at that time. So speaking with B firstly she was so loving and pointed out how wonderful that I was becoming humble. And the truth was becoming the healing. She said that now I could make amends but I didn't know how so she gave me some ideas.
I went in that day knowing that the opportunity would present itself when I would be able to say my lines, that I truly, truly meant. I was squirming inside.
A moment of silence fell over the office and I asked if she had a moment I could speak with her. I didn't want it to be in passing and she would be called away at such an important moment.
I referred back to the issue spoken about yesterday and said that she was right. That in fear I had not taken responsibility. I said I had looked at my process and didn;t need to go into detail abuot that but that I was very sorry. She was relieved. She responded with a big thank you and added that she hadn't be able to trust me but now knew she could. She also said that she now knew she wasn't going mad. She went on to talk about the ways in which she over reacts to situations and doesn't like how she's been behaving and is working on that. That was nice to hear to and I smiled. I finished by saying that i wouldn't expect her to trust me but that I am a loyal and hardworking employee and that I can only show my turstworthiness by being trustworthy.
I just don't remember how it ended but we seemed to move on naturally adn teh rest of the week has been so much ligther for me. I feel better able to be me and even ask questions differently.
I am showing by asking I think that I can be intereted in different ideas and be flexibale and adaptable and also not contentious.
Anyway back to the revelation of this morning. My sponsor had asked how I was and I talked startaight away about the fact that things had been easier at work but that whilst I was seeing things I liked about L I also didn't really like her, that I was tired and so on and so on. B at this point said that I needed to stop juging L and that I need to bring the focus back to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah! And then she asked me what I was doing in my private life. My first utter was a moan about during the week being tired and getting back late, and what with meetings etc usually I get home, write my meals down, make my meals for the next day and go to bed. I added humpily that there was little time for my own interests. So then she asked what I was doing this weekend.
This weekend I am meeting with M to plan our holiday and then this evening we are going to Taming of the Shrew with a couple of other friends joining us. Tomorrow after the AWOL I am going out with DC to learn how to use the camera he has leant me. "That's sounds wonderful!", she said and continued to point out that she knows little of the other things I do. It became clear as she explained that it's almost obsessional. This blew my mind as I suddenly realised in line with other people saying they know little about the things I am doing, it's because I don't tell them anything other than what is probably my obessional thinkings. I don't tell my dad anything or friends but often it's because I don;t think it is very interesting. Things I do aren't interesting to other people. I want to find out about them before I tell them anything because if I reveal things about me that match them they will like me. My dad can't be bothered with detail and womens interests. It's been like this all of my life I think.
So there's probably other layers of processing going on but this for me was like having the mirror completely held up in front of me.
So I'm off now to start doing the thigns I'm doing today.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Bliss
XX
ps spellchecker isn't working - please excuse typo's
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