Childhood is measured out by sounds and smells and sights, before the dark hour of reason grows. - John Betjeman.
I sense that the anger in me isn't grown up at all. I think the anger is childlike anger.
I feel tired too and with this comes intolerance. And despondency has arrived today. I feel sure that S is right in that the despondency follows the suppression of anger. Suppression in my attempts to contain the behaviours associated with heightened anger, rage and fury even.
I feel a sort of resignation and an unhappiness about everything. It all seems difficult. I become dark in my thinking. I was driving home thinking about just getting it over and done with. I get a real surge of energy to do it and then it passes almost immediately. But the desire stays with me. It sometimes feels too difficult to live this life. I am scared.
I am afraid of not being able to survive with any dignity. You know, not having a job, not having funds to live with any sort of comfort, just existing. What's the point? And to work etc all feels impossible. Where I used to be ambitious and believe in myself, now all I do is doubt and feel drained by the lack of any self belief. I have so much of this and then I work with a woman who undermines all the time. I can't trust her motives behind anything at all she says. I don't think she has any respect for me at all. Or is it me that doesn't believe in me at all and project that onto her, seeing it in her eyes, hearing it in her tones. Just like I would do with my dad.
Is this the despondency after the mania? It's such hard work oscillating between these extremes. And the extremes could be worse.
I feel angry with K's kids for not respecting her, I feel angry with K for not setting boundaries. I feel sad and angry with J for not wanting to get into recovery. I feel angry with L for being such hard work. I feel angry with just about everything and anything and I think it's childlike because I don't know how to manage it or where to put it. I feel abandoned by my dad but surely this isn't enough to feel the level of anger I feel. It's so flipping annoying. And yet anyone else I would be saying this is the anger that seeps out and now I want to manage it rather than it controlling me and spilling out.
It's pretty tiring. And where's God in all this S asked?
God please help me to know and understand. Please show me how to be. Please help me. I don't feel I can take anymore. I'm beginning not to function in my home once again. It's always possible to tell the state of mind through the state of my flat.
My food is clean. This leaves me with all this emotion to deal with. To be honest it was complicated and difficult even with the food. Maybe the food just wasn't working anymore. I think I'm angry about all the years of wastage too. Angry that I'm not in a different situation. There is loss too. Loss of that youthfulness ambition and drive. All the things that have happened in my life. Decisions I've made, people that have been through my life. Arrrrrrrgh!
The anger is stronger than I'm able to tap out on a keyboard.
Bliss
x
I sense that the anger in me isn't grown up at all. I think the anger is childlike anger.
I feel tired too and with this comes intolerance. And despondency has arrived today. I feel sure that S is right in that the despondency follows the suppression of anger. Suppression in my attempts to contain the behaviours associated with heightened anger, rage and fury even.
I feel a sort of resignation and an unhappiness about everything. It all seems difficult. I become dark in my thinking. I was driving home thinking about just getting it over and done with. I get a real surge of energy to do it and then it passes almost immediately. But the desire stays with me. It sometimes feels too difficult to live this life. I am scared.
I am afraid of not being able to survive with any dignity. You know, not having a job, not having funds to live with any sort of comfort, just existing. What's the point? And to work etc all feels impossible. Where I used to be ambitious and believe in myself, now all I do is doubt and feel drained by the lack of any self belief. I have so much of this and then I work with a woman who undermines all the time. I can't trust her motives behind anything at all she says. I don't think she has any respect for me at all. Or is it me that doesn't believe in me at all and project that onto her, seeing it in her eyes, hearing it in her tones. Just like I would do with my dad.
Is this the despondency after the mania? It's such hard work oscillating between these extremes. And the extremes could be worse.
I feel angry with K's kids for not respecting her, I feel angry with K for not setting boundaries. I feel sad and angry with J for not wanting to get into recovery. I feel angry with L for being such hard work. I feel angry with just about everything and anything and I think it's childlike because I don't know how to manage it or where to put it. I feel abandoned by my dad but surely this isn't enough to feel the level of anger I feel. It's so flipping annoying. And yet anyone else I would be saying this is the anger that seeps out and now I want to manage it rather than it controlling me and spilling out.
It's pretty tiring. And where's God in all this S asked?
God please help me to know and understand. Please show me how to be. Please help me. I don't feel I can take anymore. I'm beginning not to function in my home once again. It's always possible to tell the state of mind through the state of my flat.
My food is clean. This leaves me with all this emotion to deal with. To be honest it was complicated and difficult even with the food. Maybe the food just wasn't working anymore. I think I'm angry about all the years of wastage too. Angry that I'm not in a different situation. There is loss too. Loss of that youthfulness ambition and drive. All the things that have happened in my life. Decisions I've made, people that have been through my life. Arrrrrrrgh!
The anger is stronger than I'm able to tap out on a keyboard.
Bliss
x
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