M says black, I say absolutely white. It frustrates me as I believe in various shades of black to white exist. But no I say absolute opposites to counter her. It always feels like M is stating an absolute and therefore it requires an absolute from me to counter balance.
Please God can you help remove this doggedness, this obduracy, this mulishness.
I would like to be flexible and adaptable. Please can you help me to become yielding and alterable. Thank you God.
Thank you for pointing this out again God. When will I learn. I need to be more interested in M's opinion and ask questions I think. Hear her.
She probably used the wrong word and the word she used was competitive. Now I think M is unreasonably competitive and what happens is I go into battle with her to prove her wrong. Why do I do that? I can be so obdurate and argumentative. My mum used to point that out too.
So this is a manner about me that I have. Goodness knows why and like everything it really isn't so important to know why right now by to accept it and see the unmanageability it causes and then as you God to help me to restore myself to sanity, yet again.
I do it a lot and in various ways. I get an idea sometimes that I will doggedly hold onto and argue just so as not to lose. Then I can get tongue-tied and lie even just to get my point across and not be shown to be erroneous. But then afterwards I go back into castigating myself. I chastise myself ad sit in self-hatred. And then my mood lowers and I feel entirely worthless. I can see myself only as an idiot, counterproductive in my work, as a friend, as a human being. And then there is room for the despondency to squeeze in and then there is room for the food addiction to slip in. I am constantly vulnerable to these patterns and I need to arrest them as early as possible. Otherwise I am vulnerable to relapse.
So having recognised this tendency to go into competition please God help me to keep my mouth closed when I become aware. This will be the first thing to stop the unmanageability, cease the behaviour.
And then I can keep talking about this with people. Listen to M for example and ask questions about what she means and how she sees that working for her and what does she think people need to be doing for example. Instead I leap in at the moment and try to change the course of her from the off.
Ad then I can let go and let God in. Next is the knowing of the defective behaviours involved, is to become truly willing to have the defect removed Step 6 and then asking God to help remove the defect.
I can see there is the need to work Steps 1-3 in everything. And if I pick the behaviour up again then am I really letting go and am I really willing.
Well this one keeps showing itself to me in many guises really.
I remember my insistence when in Wales about fern and bracken. And there have been many others, where I make sweeping statements cutting people off. I probably do it at work to rather than ask questions. I would like to stop God.
Why I do it? Well years of conditioning and also my distorted ways of being as an addict. That combination doesn't bode well. The thing is the why won't have a chance of being revealed unless I stop the behaviour and attitude first.
I can see clearly the way it brings in unmanageability and can see now how coming to realise this I can get some sanity restored into my life with some help. So I can stop castigating myself and instead turn to God. Ad then I can trust to let go to God. Hand this over to him. Here I am God I trust that you are showing me these things now and it seems I'm ready to see them. The defects that come up are being argumentative, and a need to be right, then the other person is wrong which makes me feel OK about myself (apart from now seeing it I feel terrible about myself if I'm not careful). Then I have to exaggerate and lie to back up my argumentative self. So another defect has to come into play to bolster up the first defect of PRIDE from a negative connotation.
Pride is a lack of a sense of self and this is fear. I think I need to be somebody better than that body to be OK. Insecurity which is fear. All driven by fear.
So the way forward is to keep quiet when I find myself going into argumentative battle. What is the point anyway?
Now this is competition. And this was the subject raised by M. And I find her competitiveness quite difficult not least because I get competitive too.
I was disappointed that she wanted her own way for the entry to the art gallery. It seemed inconsiderate and inflexible. I stated my need for my food but it was all about her not travelling earlier and I stated that it was the same for all of us to leave by a certain time. The reality is I could have said we need to be in by 9 and then if she didn't want to go that was up to her. But I didn't want her not to go. Howe flipping complex it all is.
So then I harboured a resentment really and was trying to be gracious by saying oh ok never mind then. And so then when the subject of competitiveness was raised I was straight on to it. My resentment slipped through.
Wow! Of course. I hadn't seen that.
Am I very selfish God? Do I always want things my own way? I don't think I do but perhaps others see that differently? It would be interesting to know.
I'm not sure I am ready to hear such feedback though.
So in the meantime I need to start by not entering into any affray. Please God can you help me to stand back. I have noticed I've done that more often at work. I need to do it with M an with A. Gosh I am an argumentative person. My mum was right. She said I argue for argues sake. It's flipping true. But I think it's linked with harboured resentments of being controlled. Both A and M have ways of being that leave me feeling controlled. A tries to control and she knows it. It rubs me up the wrong way to see her doing with others and even more so when she tries to do it to me. And yet she's so generous in her help for me. Whether she moans about it or not like she moans about everyone and everything is highly likely. Of course I would be lost without her help so I am unlikely to raise the matter.
As for M I am wondering about the friendship. I find it difficult at times. She doesn't make much contact and when she does it can take a while before she talks about anything. Other times she talks all about her. She wants to know about me but then tells me how to be. She thinks she is being hard done by if she does things other people's way. She does get competitive. She accuses me of not having contact when I haven't called for a few days and yet is the same herself. This is the sort of thing that riles me when she talks about things like competitiveness. And when she accuses me of being secretive. Or when she accuses me of anything. It is very pointy finger and as if she is righteous. I feel judged by M - often. And then there is always the difficulty of things like other people involved in things we are doing. I think I am much more open often to include people even spontaneously but it causes M difficulty and then there is friction.
This going to London for Munch for example. I had said I would go with A and M. I said afterwards that both wanted to go and that we'd arrange a date to go together. M has a choice to pull out if she wishes. As does A.
It seems so much hassle to organise doing things, so when I organise with A M accuses me of doing so much with A and not with her. When I do things with M it's on her terms really.
Ugh! It's hard work. I like easy-going and this isn't.
So then I wonder why I try so hard. And then I feel sad. I feel sad that I can drift away from another friend. There is part of me that wants to say bye before she does and there's yet another person that has broken off friends all harshly.
I don't want that either. Please God I hand this over to you to show me how and what I need to do.
I do feel sad that there's an increasing distance between us. I didn't want to see it before but I do.
I will just keep in contact, making the odd call once a week. I will need some help to put some boundaries on that and not have these long calls unless they are at her expense. Similar with G the long calls have been at his expense. I need to do the same with V. It's good to ramble around ideas but for too long when I am conscious of high expenses and not affording them, this is insanity.
OK God all these things are presenting themselves to me. My fear of being rejected is high and yet I am becoming more comfortable being alone and find I am not lonely. Not recently anyway. I have You closer to me these days. Thank you God for showing me how to let you in more and more.
It's only take all of this time.
I don't like some of the undercurrent remarks M makes too. There seems to be a caustic under current. Mind you I feel that from time to time with A too.
I would prefer to spend time with people that are open and genuine and that requires me to nurture that in myself.
I cannot speak to A or M about these things without them becoming defensive because of course I would be pointing out their defects and that is not my job. What is the right way to approach this God. I trust that you will show me and so I hand that over to you and let go. Of course I will angst about it and stress in an urgency to know and get it right and perfect - but I hope to keep remembering to hand it over.
I would like to be the best friend I can be. I don't think walking away from M is the best thing right now anyway. But I do feel sad that there are those comments when my intention is generally good and loving. I get spiteful and stubborn in my disappointment and hurt.
Please remove this God. I am prepared to sit with the hurt and disappointment and that may mean speaking with people I know in fellowship.
I think I am learning just a little
Thank you God
Then back to the subject of competitiveness. I think M was really talking about judgement. What I said and am ashamed of is that competitiveness is not necessary. But I left no room for grey areas. My thoughts therefore on competitiveness and then I would like to open it up for more ideas to help me understand competitiveness.
I think from an evolutionary psychologist perspective there would be a real need for competitiveness on the basis of survival. Without it there might not be any motive to get up and hunt for example and improve survival conditions. I wonder what the theories from this evolutionary perspective really are.
I will have to do some research on that. In the meantime ... I think there is a need to compare myself with myself. It is good to measure things to see achievement and change. That is comparison. However it is not competitiveness - there are subtle difference I think. And it is not judgement either. Making judgements are important. But as I am aware judgements require time but time alone is not enough either. I don't think M meant competitiveness as she introduced all these other concepts too. But on the subject of competitiveness I wonder how valid it is in these days. It does set person up against person and unless someone is very serene this can cause friction and contention. If someone loses does this mean they are no good. But if someone wins it doesn't mean they are better as a person. There is always a winner and a loser and success and failure. These are a part of life but competitiveness on it's own is dangerous. Being able to determine ones assets within loss or failure is important. And failure doesn't mean a write off. Competitiveness for territory has caused wars. Wanting bigger land or wanting bigger assets cause the tensions. And then wanting the bigger, the best, the most. It's all so unhelpful. What is a useful scenario for competitiveness.
I only ever feel negativity from competitiveness. It's OK for the winners. But then look at the crowds drawn for the Olympics. There is all the preparation and getting fitter at the cost of potential problems later on. The para Olympics are seen as a great achievement for people who are less able bodied for various reasons.
I am sure there is validity to competition. I just see negativity attached to it. It sets up rivalry. Look at the frenzies that can occur over football. It brings out an aggression in people. It also brings out a camaraderie amongst the in-group but the hostility towards the out-group (Tajfel) and from this is borne prejudice and envy and anger.
Hmmm this gives a lot of food for thought.
Why do we have such strong urges for competitions. And how can that negativity be channelled into positivity as it seems such an essential human way of being. And when it's not useful how can one easily step away from it or redirect it usefully?
Anyway I think there is a human need for it and it exists of course. I wonder what M was talking about when she raised the concept. But I jumped down her throat so never actually got to know. I did hear her say that perhaps that was the wrong word and then started talking about comparison and judgement. I will never know
What I do know is that I would like to be more of a listener than a dictator. Until I know where the balance is I would prefer to listen ad observe and ask questions.
So please what do other people think about competitiveness; it's usefulness, the devastation that I see as a result of it and how to use it constructively?
Comments are always welcome but it seems no one reads these pages. They seem to be mainly looking at pages with sexual images. Well at least the Blog is being looked at for some reason.
That wasn't my intention of course. I can't remove those things because they are all a part of the journey but it does stop me from allowing people I know to have the Blog address. Not to mention people I've spoken about getting offended when I actually know it's all about me growing and learning and nothing intentionally harmful is laid in blame. It's all about removing me from the picture and removing blame ad just seeing what's left. We are all individuals trying to make our way through and some of us with a lot of distorted and conditioned thinking.
Bless us all
Bliss
XX
Please God can you help remove this doggedness, this obduracy, this mulishness.
I would like to be flexible and adaptable. Please can you help me to become yielding and alterable. Thank you God.
Thank you for pointing this out again God. When will I learn. I need to be more interested in M's opinion and ask questions I think. Hear her.
She probably used the wrong word and the word she used was competitive. Now I think M is unreasonably competitive and what happens is I go into battle with her to prove her wrong. Why do I do that? I can be so obdurate and argumentative. My mum used to point that out too.
So this is a manner about me that I have. Goodness knows why and like everything it really isn't so important to know why right now by to accept it and see the unmanageability it causes and then as you God to help me to restore myself to sanity, yet again.
I do it a lot and in various ways. I get an idea sometimes that I will doggedly hold onto and argue just so as not to lose. Then I can get tongue-tied and lie even just to get my point across and not be shown to be erroneous. But then afterwards I go back into castigating myself. I chastise myself ad sit in self-hatred. And then my mood lowers and I feel entirely worthless. I can see myself only as an idiot, counterproductive in my work, as a friend, as a human being. And then there is room for the despondency to squeeze in and then there is room for the food addiction to slip in. I am constantly vulnerable to these patterns and I need to arrest them as early as possible. Otherwise I am vulnerable to relapse.
So having recognised this tendency to go into competition please God help me to keep my mouth closed when I become aware. This will be the first thing to stop the unmanageability, cease the behaviour.
And then I can keep talking about this with people. Listen to M for example and ask questions about what she means and how she sees that working for her and what does she think people need to be doing for example. Instead I leap in at the moment and try to change the course of her from the off.
Ad then I can let go and let God in. Next is the knowing of the defective behaviours involved, is to become truly willing to have the defect removed Step 6 and then asking God to help remove the defect.
I can see there is the need to work Steps 1-3 in everything. And if I pick the behaviour up again then am I really letting go and am I really willing.
Well this one keeps showing itself to me in many guises really.
I remember my insistence when in Wales about fern and bracken. And there have been many others, where I make sweeping statements cutting people off. I probably do it at work to rather than ask questions. I would like to stop God.
Why I do it? Well years of conditioning and also my distorted ways of being as an addict. That combination doesn't bode well. The thing is the why won't have a chance of being revealed unless I stop the behaviour and attitude first.
I can see clearly the way it brings in unmanageability and can see now how coming to realise this I can get some sanity restored into my life with some help. So I can stop castigating myself and instead turn to God. Ad then I can trust to let go to God. Hand this over to him. Here I am God I trust that you are showing me these things now and it seems I'm ready to see them. The defects that come up are being argumentative, and a need to be right, then the other person is wrong which makes me feel OK about myself (apart from now seeing it I feel terrible about myself if I'm not careful). Then I have to exaggerate and lie to back up my argumentative self. So another defect has to come into play to bolster up the first defect of PRIDE from a negative connotation.
Pride is a lack of a sense of self and this is fear. I think I need to be somebody better than that body to be OK. Insecurity which is fear. All driven by fear.
So the way forward is to keep quiet when I find myself going into argumentative battle. What is the point anyway?
Now this is competition. And this was the subject raised by M. And I find her competitiveness quite difficult not least because I get competitive too.
I was disappointed that she wanted her own way for the entry to the art gallery. It seemed inconsiderate and inflexible. I stated my need for my food but it was all about her not travelling earlier and I stated that it was the same for all of us to leave by a certain time. The reality is I could have said we need to be in by 9 and then if she didn't want to go that was up to her. But I didn't want her not to go. Howe flipping complex it all is.
So then I harboured a resentment really and was trying to be gracious by saying oh ok never mind then. And so then when the subject of competitiveness was raised I was straight on to it. My resentment slipped through.
Wow! Of course. I hadn't seen that.
Am I very selfish God? Do I always want things my own way? I don't think I do but perhaps others see that differently? It would be interesting to know.
I'm not sure I am ready to hear such feedback though.
So in the meantime I need to start by not entering into any affray. Please God can you help me to stand back. I have noticed I've done that more often at work. I need to do it with M an with A. Gosh I am an argumentative person. My mum was right. She said I argue for argues sake. It's flipping true. But I think it's linked with harboured resentments of being controlled. Both A and M have ways of being that leave me feeling controlled. A tries to control and she knows it. It rubs me up the wrong way to see her doing with others and even more so when she tries to do it to me. And yet she's so generous in her help for me. Whether she moans about it or not like she moans about everyone and everything is highly likely. Of course I would be lost without her help so I am unlikely to raise the matter.
As for M I am wondering about the friendship. I find it difficult at times. She doesn't make much contact and when she does it can take a while before she talks about anything. Other times she talks all about her. She wants to know about me but then tells me how to be. She thinks she is being hard done by if she does things other people's way. She does get competitive. She accuses me of not having contact when I haven't called for a few days and yet is the same herself. This is the sort of thing that riles me when she talks about things like competitiveness. And when she accuses me of being secretive. Or when she accuses me of anything. It is very pointy finger and as if she is righteous. I feel judged by M - often. And then there is always the difficulty of things like other people involved in things we are doing. I think I am much more open often to include people even spontaneously but it causes M difficulty and then there is friction.
This going to London for Munch for example. I had said I would go with A and M. I said afterwards that both wanted to go and that we'd arrange a date to go together. M has a choice to pull out if she wishes. As does A.
It seems so much hassle to organise doing things, so when I organise with A M accuses me of doing so much with A and not with her. When I do things with M it's on her terms really.
Ugh! It's hard work. I like easy-going and this isn't.
So then I wonder why I try so hard. And then I feel sad. I feel sad that I can drift away from another friend. There is part of me that wants to say bye before she does and there's yet another person that has broken off friends all harshly.
I don't want that either. Please God I hand this over to you to show me how and what I need to do.
I do feel sad that there's an increasing distance between us. I didn't want to see it before but I do.
I will just keep in contact, making the odd call once a week. I will need some help to put some boundaries on that and not have these long calls unless they are at her expense. Similar with G the long calls have been at his expense. I need to do the same with V. It's good to ramble around ideas but for too long when I am conscious of high expenses and not affording them, this is insanity.
OK God all these things are presenting themselves to me. My fear of being rejected is high and yet I am becoming more comfortable being alone and find I am not lonely. Not recently anyway. I have You closer to me these days. Thank you God for showing me how to let you in more and more.
It's only take all of this time.
I don't like some of the undercurrent remarks M makes too. There seems to be a caustic under current. Mind you I feel that from time to time with A too.
I would prefer to spend time with people that are open and genuine and that requires me to nurture that in myself.
I cannot speak to A or M about these things without them becoming defensive because of course I would be pointing out their defects and that is not my job. What is the right way to approach this God. I trust that you will show me and so I hand that over to you and let go. Of course I will angst about it and stress in an urgency to know and get it right and perfect - but I hope to keep remembering to hand it over.
I would like to be the best friend I can be. I don't think walking away from M is the best thing right now anyway. But I do feel sad that there are those comments when my intention is generally good and loving. I get spiteful and stubborn in my disappointment and hurt.
Please remove this God. I am prepared to sit with the hurt and disappointment and that may mean speaking with people I know in fellowship.
I think I am learning just a little
Thank you God
Then back to the subject of competitiveness. I think M was really talking about judgement. What I said and am ashamed of is that competitiveness is not necessary. But I left no room for grey areas. My thoughts therefore on competitiveness and then I would like to open it up for more ideas to help me understand competitiveness.
I think from an evolutionary psychologist perspective there would be a real need for competitiveness on the basis of survival. Without it there might not be any motive to get up and hunt for example and improve survival conditions. I wonder what the theories from this evolutionary perspective really are.
I will have to do some research on that. In the meantime ... I think there is a need to compare myself with myself. It is good to measure things to see achievement and change. That is comparison. However it is not competitiveness - there are subtle difference I think. And it is not judgement either. Making judgements are important. But as I am aware judgements require time but time alone is not enough either. I don't think M meant competitiveness as she introduced all these other concepts too. But on the subject of competitiveness I wonder how valid it is in these days. It does set person up against person and unless someone is very serene this can cause friction and contention. If someone loses does this mean they are no good. But if someone wins it doesn't mean they are better as a person. There is always a winner and a loser and success and failure. These are a part of life but competitiveness on it's own is dangerous. Being able to determine ones assets within loss or failure is important. And failure doesn't mean a write off. Competitiveness for territory has caused wars. Wanting bigger land or wanting bigger assets cause the tensions. And then wanting the bigger, the best, the most. It's all so unhelpful. What is a useful scenario for competitiveness.
I only ever feel negativity from competitiveness. It's OK for the winners. But then look at the crowds drawn for the Olympics. There is all the preparation and getting fitter at the cost of potential problems later on. The para Olympics are seen as a great achievement for people who are less able bodied for various reasons.
I am sure there is validity to competition. I just see negativity attached to it. It sets up rivalry. Look at the frenzies that can occur over football. It brings out an aggression in people. It also brings out a camaraderie amongst the in-group but the hostility towards the out-group (Tajfel) and from this is borne prejudice and envy and anger.
Hmmm this gives a lot of food for thought.
Why do we have such strong urges for competitions. And how can that negativity be channelled into positivity as it seems such an essential human way of being. And when it's not useful how can one easily step away from it or redirect it usefully?
Anyway I think there is a human need for it and it exists of course. I wonder what M was talking about when she raised the concept. But I jumped down her throat so never actually got to know. I did hear her say that perhaps that was the wrong word and then started talking about comparison and judgement. I will never know
What I do know is that I would like to be more of a listener than a dictator. Until I know where the balance is I would prefer to listen ad observe and ask questions.
So please what do other people think about competitiveness; it's usefulness, the devastation that I see as a result of it and how to use it constructively?
Comments are always welcome but it seems no one reads these pages. They seem to be mainly looking at pages with sexual images. Well at least the Blog is being looked at for some reason.
That wasn't my intention of course. I can't remove those things because they are all a part of the journey but it does stop me from allowing people I know to have the Blog address. Not to mention people I've spoken about getting offended when I actually know it's all about me growing and learning and nothing intentionally harmful is laid in blame. It's all about removing me from the picture and removing blame ad just seeing what's left. We are all individuals trying to make our way through and some of us with a lot of distorted and conditioned thinking.
Bless us all
Bliss
XX
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