I always live as if I've never fully moved in and ready to leave. It's not homely at all.
I started my new job. So nice to be in a humane environment again. Mainly I'm researching potential client bases but had my first client yesterday.
It's good not to be too mind stretched as my dad is very unwell. He maintains the distance between us do I'm trying to push the hospital whilst respecting his wishes. It hurts but I can deal with that although at times the pain in my heart feels crippling. It only can be if I let it
I've had longings for closeness with George but know its merely emotions. I'd already discovered the way he is is not compatible with the way I am. It's just a wanting to be wanted above anyone else to make me feel worthwhile. I know I'm okay and enough on an intellectual level but I don't believe it in my heart and soul. My dads rejection yet again has re emphasised that mistaken core belief. So I'm not surprised I've had longings for George. We are able to be friendly though. I'm pleased as he truly is an extraordinary person in many ways. And I'd like to be able to tap into that side of him - he is so interesting .
My emotions have been all over the place - rage, fear, irritation, fury, jealousy, remorse, sadness, blaming, confusion, disappointment, despair. I keep finding gratitude though and holding into my trust in something bigger than us all - the universe and the energy of that. I am praying for my dad and through gritted teeth for his wife too. I don't know what's best for either of them so just pray for them. Thank goodness I have 12 step fellowship. Food thoughts have been strong but I can call and talk. I know I'm an addict and a part of that is wanting to escape my emotions especially the uncomfortable feelings. So here I am facing it all using support and my sense of a bigger picture that I'm not in control of. I'm
learning so much about myself and that's fascinating amidst all of the difficulty. Again thank goodness for my recovery. I get strength just thinking of that.
So today I'm going to the hospital. I know my dad won't see me but I want to see the nurses and find out what they are doing and what the plan is. I have been advised to do this so that they know there is someone involved. Otherwise apparently they send people "on the path to Liverpool" in other words let them die. I don't know if I heard that correctly but the meaning is accurate. I'm going I think
to look it up. Later on I'm meeting George - I'm hoping to get my key back and also just be friendly. I don't think either of us want more than that. But there is a part of me who wants him to want me do desperately he'll change. I know that won't work and isn't possible so I'll need to be cautious not to fall for any warmth. It's not enough for me with this man. I have to keep reminding myself of all that wasn't working but to do that there is still emotional pain. Hence people say have some distance at the end of a relationship ie some time. Otherwise my pain can easily arouse frustration and then anger and I've already got plenty if that. Oh blimey I took a quick peek on SL. The temptation to escape you see is enormous. I feel immense pressure with all of this especially when the future creeps in and projecting that I'm going to have to battle with his wife to be involved with any arrangements should my dad die. I need to know his wishes but he won't tell me. Once he's dead who cares really. But then my greediness kicks in and wanting my inheritance. I hate myself for even thinking about it let alone the fighting I'm considering. I just have to hand it over and trust. I'm showing up attempting to respect my dads wishes but at the same time get him cared for. That's all I can do I think.
Blimey that's a lot of texting. Some of it really is good to hear in my head and get it out. Thank you for being there. Have a wonderful Saturday. Byeeeee for now cx
And here is one I drafted in about October time. Interesting because I have been writing Step 4 and being bad-tempered. I don't think I am particularly moody. But have identified how stroppy I can be and how this manifests in different ways - sometimes outwardly and stomping around, ranting and raving but not at the person involved directly. Or I can be inward, silent treatment with the person involved. I am often thinking I am in the wrong though, not knowing what to say if anything and wondering if I'm just being selfish and intense. Confused and confusing????
'It's nice to stop an d reflect on this. All temptation to be stroppy here has fallen away. I get a sense of power through my stroppiness but it turns into negative projection . This morning I can see things differently here.
xx
I started my new job. So nice to be in a humane environment again. Mainly I'm researching potential client bases but had my first client yesterday.
It's good not to be too mind stretched as my dad is very unwell. He maintains the distance between us do I'm trying to push the hospital whilst respecting his wishes. It hurts but I can deal with that although at times the pain in my heart feels crippling. It only can be if I let it
I've had longings for closeness with George but know its merely emotions. I'd already discovered the way he is is not compatible with the way I am. It's just a wanting to be wanted above anyone else to make me feel worthwhile. I know I'm okay and enough on an intellectual level but I don't believe it in my heart and soul. My dads rejection yet again has re emphasised that mistaken core belief. So I'm not surprised I've had longings for George. We are able to be friendly though. I'm pleased as he truly is an extraordinary person in many ways. And I'd like to be able to tap into that side of him - he is so interesting .
My emotions have been all over the place - rage, fear, irritation, fury, jealousy, remorse, sadness, blaming, confusion, disappointment, despair. I keep finding gratitude though and holding into my trust in something bigger than us all - the universe and the energy of that. I am praying for my dad and through gritted teeth for his wife too. I don't know what's best for either of them so just pray for them. Thank goodness I have 12 step fellowship. Food thoughts have been strong but I can call and talk. I know I'm an addict and a part of that is wanting to escape my emotions especially the uncomfortable feelings. So here I am facing it all using support and my sense of a bigger picture that I'm not in control of. I'm
learning so much about myself and that's fascinating amidst all of the difficulty. Again thank goodness for my recovery. I get strength just thinking of that.
So today I'm going to the hospital. I know my dad won't see me but I want to see the nurses and find out what they are doing and what the plan is. I have been advised to do this so that they know there is someone involved. Otherwise apparently they send people "on the path to Liverpool" in other words let them die. I don't know if I heard that correctly but the meaning is accurate. I'm going I think
to look it up. Later on I'm meeting George - I'm hoping to get my key back and also just be friendly. I don't think either of us want more than that. But there is a part of me who wants him to want me do desperately he'll change. I know that won't work and isn't possible so I'll need to be cautious not to fall for any warmth. It's not enough for me with this man. I have to keep reminding myself of all that wasn't working but to do that there is still emotional pain. Hence people say have some distance at the end of a relationship ie some time. Otherwise my pain can easily arouse frustration and then anger and I've already got plenty if that. Oh blimey I took a quick peek on SL. The temptation to escape you see is enormous. I feel immense pressure with all of this especially when the future creeps in and projecting that I'm going to have to battle with his wife to be involved with any arrangements should my dad die. I need to know his wishes but he won't tell me. Once he's dead who cares really. But then my greediness kicks in and wanting my inheritance. I hate myself for even thinking about it let alone the fighting I'm considering. I just have to hand it over and trust. I'm showing up attempting to respect my dads wishes but at the same time get him cared for. That's all I can do I think.
Blimey that's a lot of texting. Some of it really is good to hear in my head and get it out. Thank you for being there. Have a wonderful Saturday. Byeeeee for now cx
And here is one I drafted in about October time. Interesting because I have been writing Step 4 and being bad-tempered. I don't think I am particularly moody. But have identified how stroppy I can be and how this manifests in different ways - sometimes outwardly and stomping around, ranting and raving but not at the person involved directly. Or I can be inward, silent treatment with the person involved. I am often thinking I am in the wrong though, not knowing what to say if anything and wondering if I'm just being selfish and intense. Confused and confusing????
'It's nice to stop an d reflect on this. All temptation to be stroppy here has fallen away. I get a sense of power through my stroppiness but it turns into negative projection . This morning I can see things differently here.
I read this this morning and liked it and would like to share it with you:
But at my back I always hear,
Time's winged chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie,
Deserts of vast eternity.
Andrew Marvell (1621-1678).
This links with my idea that we are time travellers. In every moment we have memories of the past and plan or project consciously or unconsciously about the future. Often the past is unconscious I know you know this. But if I am in the present and aware of my past and future I can bring all three together. I also read that "the past and the future are folded into the present and then we see clearly - not through images and fantasies, but through the actuality of living - the past, the future, and the present as one moving reality ...and when we see that reality fearlessly, with depth and clarity, our poor reality evaporates. In its place is the real, the true, in which we can live fully.'
Blissxx
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