I need to find love even though I belive the atmoshpere will be hostile. I am upset that T didn't call me during the day when things for my dad had taken a turn suddenly to be even worse.
I didn't finish writing this.
On Friday 1st Feb my dad took a turn for the worse. The evening before I had called T and said that I'd visit on Friday. She was rather dramatic but also reasonable I guess as she exclaimed that he'd only just arrived home and was very unsettled. She implored "please Pamela please". And so I decided to respect her wish. During the evening of Friday after I returned from my AA meeting, I had a message on my answer machine. With her rather dramatised tone (usual) it said You need to come and see your father. I learnt from D her eldest daughter that they had been there all afternoon and during that time he had been conscious at times.
I am so hurt by this act of unkindness as I see it. And especially having heard since then that T would not admit to people that my dad had had a past. I think she had a big part in keeping the divide between us. I am furious about this. But then I have to look at how much a part I had in keeping a distance. I didn't want contact at all at some stages. Months and months would go by without me contacting him.
I feel dreadful for this now of course. I need to be careful though as for some people no contact is absolutely the best thing.
The last words my dad had with me were angry. He was telling me off for speaking with the consultant too long. Yet he had given me permission to speak to the Dr and it was the Dr who was talking to me. He told me that there was Cancer but it was behind his rib cage and so they could not get to it to take a biopsy. He also said that it was my dads wish that he return home if the news was bad. As it was Cancer there was nothing they could do to treat him. He was too frail and couldn't take it. I wished I had said something to my dad. He probably didn't want to talk about it though and perhaps this was why he was angry and then feigned sleep. It was obviously an act because I've seen that before in him. He shut me down, didn't even say goodbye.
It hurts like hell!
I wanted to add that I am feeling love and compassion amidst the black thoughts and feelings. I have to keep turning to this when I am feeling the resentment. I want to let go of resentmnet and hurt. And it's been ironic that all through this dreadful period of time I have been writing my stpe 4. It's been difficult keeping the focus on my part. And to write about how I kept my distance and harboured hatred towards my dad and focused on the abusive past feeding my resentment towards hi, it kept the distance stronger. T is right I was not consistent in sending Christmas cards and birthday cards. If I hadn't been so riddled with my own anger then I would have done things differently. I know at some point I can make amends to my dad for this. I wonder if I'll remember. I wonder how to make amends when someone is dead. It's too frigging late. And it's making amends for my part only. The forgiveness for all the other things is a part of the process I'm not quite in yet. It's about my part only at the moment in the resentment and hatred. And jealousy too I wanted my dad all to myself but could never get it anyway. I need to share this with my sponsor.
Bliss
XX
I didn't finish writing this.
On Friday 1st Feb my dad took a turn for the worse. The evening before I had called T and said that I'd visit on Friday. She was rather dramatic but also reasonable I guess as she exclaimed that he'd only just arrived home and was very unsettled. She implored "please Pamela please". And so I decided to respect her wish. During the evening of Friday after I returned from my AA meeting, I had a message on my answer machine. With her rather dramatised tone (usual) it said You need to come and see your father. I learnt from D her eldest daughter that they had been there all afternoon and during that time he had been conscious at times.
I am so hurt by this act of unkindness as I see it. And especially having heard since then that T would not admit to people that my dad had had a past. I think she had a big part in keeping the divide between us. I am furious about this. But then I have to look at how much a part I had in keeping a distance. I didn't want contact at all at some stages. Months and months would go by without me contacting him.
I feel dreadful for this now of course. I need to be careful though as for some people no contact is absolutely the best thing.
The last words my dad had with me were angry. He was telling me off for speaking with the consultant too long. Yet he had given me permission to speak to the Dr and it was the Dr who was talking to me. He told me that there was Cancer but it was behind his rib cage and so they could not get to it to take a biopsy. He also said that it was my dads wish that he return home if the news was bad. As it was Cancer there was nothing they could do to treat him. He was too frail and couldn't take it. I wished I had said something to my dad. He probably didn't want to talk about it though and perhaps this was why he was angry and then feigned sleep. It was obviously an act because I've seen that before in him. He shut me down, didn't even say goodbye.
It hurts like hell!
I wanted to add that I am feeling love and compassion amidst the black thoughts and feelings. I have to keep turning to this when I am feeling the resentment. I want to let go of resentmnet and hurt. And it's been ironic that all through this dreadful period of time I have been writing my stpe 4. It's been difficult keeping the focus on my part. And to write about how I kept my distance and harboured hatred towards my dad and focused on the abusive past feeding my resentment towards hi, it kept the distance stronger. T is right I was not consistent in sending Christmas cards and birthday cards. If I hadn't been so riddled with my own anger then I would have done things differently. I know at some point I can make amends to my dad for this. I wonder if I'll remember. I wonder how to make amends when someone is dead. It's too frigging late. And it's making amends for my part only. The forgiveness for all the other things is a part of the process I'm not quite in yet. It's about my part only at the moment in the resentment and hatred. And jealousy too I wanted my dad all to myself but could never get it anyway. I need to share this with my sponsor.
Bliss
XX
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