Romans - letters from St Paul to the Romans
7:14
The Law, of course, as we all know is spiritual; but I am unspiritual; I have been sold as a slave to sin. I cannot understand my own behaviour. I fail to carry out the things I want to do, and I find myself doing the very things I hate. When I act against my own will, that means I have a self that acknowledges that the Law is good, and so the thing behaving in that way is not my own self but sin living in me. The fact is, I know of nothing good living in me - living that is, in my unspiritual self - for though the will to do what is good is in me, their performance is not, with the result instead of doing the good things I want to do, I carry out the sinful things I do not want. When I act against my will, then, it is not my true self doing it, but sin which lives in me.
In fact, this seems to be the rule, that every single time I want to do good it is something evil that comes to hand. In my inmost self I dearly love God's Law, but I can see that my body follows a different law that battles against the law which my reason dictates. This is what makes me a prisoner of that law of sin which lives in my body.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body doomed to death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
In short, it is I who with my reason serve the Law of God, and no less I who serve in my unspiritual self the law of sin.
... The unspiritual are interested only in what is unspiritual, but the spiritual are interested in spiritual things. It is death to limit oneself to what is unspiritual; life and peace can only come with concern for the spiritual.
You may think I've suddenly turned religious as this is a quite from the Bible. I have nothing against religion except the people that in my opinion are invested with powers that they misuse. I therefore don't like to use the word adopted by religions, God. Even the capital letter makes me shudder. And yet I am happy with a capitalised Universe. I am because it to me represents truth, love, bliss, wisdom and peace. It is gentle and unassuming, it just happens. There is a rhythm to it all. And right now I see nature reclaiming itself against the destruction that has become man. Stronger viruses and bacteria gradually taking back mother earth.
So this verse I discovered was inspired by listening to Prof FT when he referred to St Paul's letters to the Romans and despite the lack of science St Paul depicts his awareness of two systems within him. Prof FT was referring to this in his lecture (previous post). As Prof FT said thought there are many 2-level systems throughout the brain and he cited the spiritual system as one because this has been extensively researched and is probably the best known. To this point systems are being identified but none so clearly distinguished as 2 level systems as vision. So St Paul is identifying the inner self that has beliefs of one sort and yet this overriding system that behaves against those principles. It is an uncanny vision of something that is these days researched and explored.
Addiction is a good example of a system over riding all sense. It is compelling and powerful. What happens to that quiet inner spiritual self? Why is it so quiet and yet it is so good? What sense is that in this system we have Universe/god? I don;t believe it is a mistake. Nothing in this Universe is a mistake, it is how it is.
Making sense of these things biologically actually does help me to understand. But my understanding of biological psychology is not to move away from spiritual understanding, it simply reaffirms the wonder of the spirit, the Universe and I am in awe. It is wonderful.
There is something that grates on me. I cannot be entirely open and honest with G. I have not told him of a period in my life when I was escorting. That term is a very polite way of saying high-class prostitution. In reality I was visiting or they were visiting me and I was paid to have sex with them. I also haven't told him about all my sexual playing out. It doesn't seem beneficial and yet I do not feel fully open and honest. I know things about myself he doesn't know. I am holding back. I cannot decide if it is actually is harmful to tell him or more harmful to keep this secret. People would say no but then people do not always know. I give it to you Universe to guide me.
I know he invites the whole truth and says he does not make judgement. I want to know about him and women but when I do know it influences my thoughts about him and his motives today. For example I am grateful for his truth about his sexual experiences and his fantasies with men and things. But it leaves me questioning. Is he actually gay? Is that what affects his sexual arousal when he is with me, because really he would like to be with a man? And so on.
So how this links with the passages above about spiritual people are interested in spiritual things, I believe that honesty is spiritual. And I am one for secrecy, exaggeration, and outright untruths (lies). I am working on being more honest. And I like the truth, no I love the truth. I hope for openness and truth from others. This secret I am keeping stands against that principle. But there is also step 9 which adds to the act of amends "except when to do so would injure others". It could be damaging to him? I think it would create emotions with him and distrust. I am gradually revealing more of me to him. I have revealed my fantasies of M/s and not entirely explained the acting out but at least explained the research that I did online.
The thing is G has an extraordinary memory and so as more of me gets revealed is aware of the holes en route to get to today. There is more to be revealed and I guess that's all I can say to him. I need to learn to trust I do not automatically trust. I need to see how and where I am with every day with him. I have seen him react in ways that are frightening to me. If he doesn't like something or someone he is prone to put his take on that and reveal it outside in the broader arena. So if I were to give hi information that he took umbrage to I am not entirely sure that we can work through it and therefor at risk of being exposed broadly. So what if I am? It would be my truth. However, discretion is mine too.
Universe guide me please. As I currently feel closer to G, thank you Universe, it leaves me unsure as always how to proceed. Friends do know my past and so there is always the risk that it could be revealed to him through other sources. Ex's do know too and a man scorned? Who knows?
Please show me how to be and follow the spiritual path. I am not doing those things now and I am pretty certain that whilst I continue to work in me I am changing ad more in line with my inner spirit and Universal spirituality. I do not claim that I am not tempted by unspiritual pursuits and evil. I was tempted just recently with LW. I am more and more aware of the force of flattery. I know this is deeply connected with a deep sense of worthlessness. This is not spiritual. It is this 2 system that Prof FT talks about. Somehow I have learnt that I am scum and hold that belief so strongly. I hold it so strongly that is has driven most of my life choices in adulthood. And those choices have been so destructive. Unlearning this message I wonder if it's actually possible. I see changes whereby I do feel better about myself at times. They are glimpses of change. It can easily slip into grandiosity but mainly I stay beneath the parapet of equality and slip into the quagmire of inferiority. Hence a smile or an affirmation from an external source can totally turn my head and lead me away from the spiritual pursuit. It is a hard path to follow.It can seem like deprivation at times. But I know it is worth it.
Therefore in following a spiritual path I wonder if it is necessary to forsake relationships with men all together? I have asked this question of the Universe. I asked the question of G yesterday. It feels saddening to think this might be the case. Is a relationship actually a veil between me and the spiritual path in totality? Can there be both? Or is the relationship meant to be me and the spirit within me. As G says who is me? What is this thing called me?
Here is the text I sent to G. I suspect he will think I've gone crazy. Or rather will confirm that I am ...
A question for you. There is no I, no me. What is there? What do you understand by there being no I? I'm interested. I'm sure there is no answer but I just wondered what this means to you. I'm not yet anywhere close to have any comprehension - I see flesh enclosing a sense of me separating me from you and other things. Yet there is no existence without, a sense of me is helped along by who and what I am not. There are in groups and out groups resulting in prejudices and yet we all breathe air to even exist. Is it unspiritual to have a sense of I. Who is this I? I feel that I is multidimensional. But there is a shifting I depending on situations at the same there is a level of consistent me regardless - what is that bit? And then whether to truly be is it necessary to forsake all desires - sex? Is it possible to be you and me got example and still follow the spirit? Is that ONLY feeding a want? And I also question whether the core can truly change such as my utter belief that I am scum. I sometimes can feel a degree of equality as a being - but that then is "me" versus "them" - mostly I live in the quagmire of inferiority occasionally riding above the parapet but into grandiosity. It has changed that at times "I'm" simply "me" not better nor worse than. But then what if I'm not an I at all?
Anyone - if you have some thoughts on this I truly would be interested t know what you think.
Bliss
xx
7:14
The Law, of course, as we all know is spiritual; but I am unspiritual; I have been sold as a slave to sin. I cannot understand my own behaviour. I fail to carry out the things I want to do, and I find myself doing the very things I hate. When I act against my own will, that means I have a self that acknowledges that the Law is good, and so the thing behaving in that way is not my own self but sin living in me. The fact is, I know of nothing good living in me - living that is, in my unspiritual self - for though the will to do what is good is in me, their performance is not, with the result instead of doing the good things I want to do, I carry out the sinful things I do not want. When I act against my will, then, it is not my true self doing it, but sin which lives in me.
In fact, this seems to be the rule, that every single time I want to do good it is something evil that comes to hand. In my inmost self I dearly love God's Law, but I can see that my body follows a different law that battles against the law which my reason dictates. This is what makes me a prisoner of that law of sin which lives in my body.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body doomed to death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
In short, it is I who with my reason serve the Law of God, and no less I who serve in my unspiritual self the law of sin.
... The unspiritual are interested only in what is unspiritual, but the spiritual are interested in spiritual things. It is death to limit oneself to what is unspiritual; life and peace can only come with concern for the spiritual.
You may think I've suddenly turned religious as this is a quite from the Bible. I have nothing against religion except the people that in my opinion are invested with powers that they misuse. I therefore don't like to use the word adopted by religions, God. Even the capital letter makes me shudder. And yet I am happy with a capitalised Universe. I am because it to me represents truth, love, bliss, wisdom and peace. It is gentle and unassuming, it just happens. There is a rhythm to it all. And right now I see nature reclaiming itself against the destruction that has become man. Stronger viruses and bacteria gradually taking back mother earth.
So this verse I discovered was inspired by listening to Prof FT when he referred to St Paul's letters to the Romans and despite the lack of science St Paul depicts his awareness of two systems within him. Prof FT was referring to this in his lecture (previous post). As Prof FT said thought there are many 2-level systems throughout the brain and he cited the spiritual system as one because this has been extensively researched and is probably the best known. To this point systems are being identified but none so clearly distinguished as 2 level systems as vision. So St Paul is identifying the inner self that has beliefs of one sort and yet this overriding system that behaves against those principles. It is an uncanny vision of something that is these days researched and explored.
Addiction is a good example of a system over riding all sense. It is compelling and powerful. What happens to that quiet inner spiritual self? Why is it so quiet and yet it is so good? What sense is that in this system we have Universe/god? I don;t believe it is a mistake. Nothing in this Universe is a mistake, it is how it is.
Making sense of these things biologically actually does help me to understand. But my understanding of biological psychology is not to move away from spiritual understanding, it simply reaffirms the wonder of the spirit, the Universe and I am in awe. It is wonderful.
There is something that grates on me. I cannot be entirely open and honest with G. I have not told him of a period in my life when I was escorting. That term is a very polite way of saying high-class prostitution. In reality I was visiting or they were visiting me and I was paid to have sex with them. I also haven't told him about all my sexual playing out. It doesn't seem beneficial and yet I do not feel fully open and honest. I know things about myself he doesn't know. I am holding back. I cannot decide if it is actually is harmful to tell him or more harmful to keep this secret. People would say no but then people do not always know. I give it to you Universe to guide me.
I know he invites the whole truth and says he does not make judgement. I want to know about him and women but when I do know it influences my thoughts about him and his motives today. For example I am grateful for his truth about his sexual experiences and his fantasies with men and things. But it leaves me questioning. Is he actually gay? Is that what affects his sexual arousal when he is with me, because really he would like to be with a man? And so on.
So how this links with the passages above about spiritual people are interested in spiritual things, I believe that honesty is spiritual. And I am one for secrecy, exaggeration, and outright untruths (lies). I am working on being more honest. And I like the truth, no I love the truth. I hope for openness and truth from others. This secret I am keeping stands against that principle. But there is also step 9 which adds to the act of amends "except when to do so would injure others". It could be damaging to him? I think it would create emotions with him and distrust. I am gradually revealing more of me to him. I have revealed my fantasies of M/s and not entirely explained the acting out but at least explained the research that I did online.
The thing is G has an extraordinary memory and so as more of me gets revealed is aware of the holes en route to get to today. There is more to be revealed and I guess that's all I can say to him. I need to learn to trust I do not automatically trust. I need to see how and where I am with every day with him. I have seen him react in ways that are frightening to me. If he doesn't like something or someone he is prone to put his take on that and reveal it outside in the broader arena. So if I were to give hi information that he took umbrage to I am not entirely sure that we can work through it and therefor at risk of being exposed broadly. So what if I am? It would be my truth. However, discretion is mine too.
Universe guide me please. As I currently feel closer to G, thank you Universe, it leaves me unsure as always how to proceed. Friends do know my past and so there is always the risk that it could be revealed to him through other sources. Ex's do know too and a man scorned? Who knows?
Please show me how to be and follow the spiritual path. I am not doing those things now and I am pretty certain that whilst I continue to work in me I am changing ad more in line with my inner spirit and Universal spirituality. I do not claim that I am not tempted by unspiritual pursuits and evil. I was tempted just recently with LW. I am more and more aware of the force of flattery. I know this is deeply connected with a deep sense of worthlessness. This is not spiritual. It is this 2 system that Prof FT talks about. Somehow I have learnt that I am scum and hold that belief so strongly. I hold it so strongly that is has driven most of my life choices in adulthood. And those choices have been so destructive. Unlearning this message I wonder if it's actually possible. I see changes whereby I do feel better about myself at times. They are glimpses of change. It can easily slip into grandiosity but mainly I stay beneath the parapet of equality and slip into the quagmire of inferiority. Hence a smile or an affirmation from an external source can totally turn my head and lead me away from the spiritual pursuit. It is a hard path to follow.It can seem like deprivation at times. But I know it is worth it.
Therefore in following a spiritual path I wonder if it is necessary to forsake relationships with men all together? I have asked this question of the Universe. I asked the question of G yesterday. It feels saddening to think this might be the case. Is a relationship actually a veil between me and the spiritual path in totality? Can there be both? Or is the relationship meant to be me and the spirit within me. As G says who is me? What is this thing called me?
Here is the text I sent to G. I suspect he will think I've gone crazy. Or rather will confirm that I am ...
A question for you. There is no I, no me. What is there? What do you understand by there being no I? I'm interested. I'm sure there is no answer but I just wondered what this means to you. I'm not yet anywhere close to have any comprehension - I see flesh enclosing a sense of me separating me from you and other things. Yet there is no existence without, a sense of me is helped along by who and what I am not. There are in groups and out groups resulting in prejudices and yet we all breathe air to even exist. Is it unspiritual to have a sense of I. Who is this I? I feel that I is multidimensional. But there is a shifting I depending on situations at the same there is a level of consistent me regardless - what is that bit? And then whether to truly be is it necessary to forsake all desires - sex? Is it possible to be you and me got example and still follow the spirit? Is that ONLY feeding a want? And I also question whether the core can truly change such as my utter belief that I am scum. I sometimes can feel a degree of equality as a being - but that then is "me" versus "them" - mostly I live in the quagmire of inferiority occasionally riding above the parapet but into grandiosity. It has changed that at times "I'm" simply "me" not better nor worse than. But then what if I'm not an I at all?
Anyone - if you have some thoughts on this I truly would be interested t know what you think.
Bliss
xx
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