It's a really busy day here at work today. I'm not looking forward to it actually. It can be even more exhausting when PD is like he is. He gets overly excited when we have lots of clients and it's a different stress than when he's worrying about money. He becomes sooooo controlling. He's controlling anyway. I just have to let go and turn towards patience and tolerance. When I do it's so much easier and I can smile and support him. Good to write that as it's remind me. Okay now I can let go of the exhausting bit which is the attempt to cling on to a little bit of control. Yield to empower!!
Relax and let go. I need some help from my HP to do this as it doesn't come naturally.
I could feel the tension, the pressure "got to get it right as P's wanting it all perfect"
Well the day went okay really. A good group. Supervision was as ever helpful. I'm tired.
However I wat to write down the past months. A lot as always has happened. I haven't written much about it.
Another adventure with lots of lessons. I wonder if I've learnt them. It appears not.
So last September, after several weeks or months of some sort of flirting between G and I, he invited me for a walk. I had for the entire time prior to this been thrilled by his texts and when that shifted into telephone conversations, I listened to his voive and started to fall in love with this person of my imagination. When I saw him I just kept asking myself what am I doing. I was not attracted to him physically. I imagine when younger he was a really good looking guy. But now he's a very aged and grumpy looking face. He is in fact grumpy.
On the first walk I was charmed by the way he knew the names of wild flowers. he took me to Winchester HIll. I had never been. So there was a romatic gentle him I encountered. Someone who was loving nature. Yup I was beginning to be hooked.
That evening I didn't want the time with him to end. We went to a nearby pub for a cup of tea/coffee. I was flirtatious in my whole body. He touched my knee. I noticed and the feeling lingered long after he had removed his finger. It was not a full hand just a few finger points on my knee.
As we drive towards home, it was getting late. I needed to eat. My place was so messy i wouldn't consider for a second inviting him in where I could have made my food and some for him. So late as it was, I suggested we go out for something to eat. I couldn't affird and somehow I already knew he didn't work or something. Anyway we had a cheapish meal. It was as abstinent as it could be and certainly less than I am required to eat. It was food and you know how it is when you're flirting? Food doesn't really come into things. So I'd done well.
Then he drove me home. Sitting in the car I asked him what was going on? He asked "what between thee and me?". I said yes. He said something I can't remember now and as I turned to look at him he kissed me. I was surprised to say the least I was not expecting that.
I said that I was not available for a relationship. He said he wasn't either. So we parted company.
I had texts from him in the week and calls and we went on a second walk. On this occassion I was more than intersted despite not being available for a relationship. In between all of this there were conversations with my FA sponsor who was saying that I needed to cut contact, I agree, I cut contact but then reengaged with him.
So on the second walk ... I was standing overlooking a wonderful view, when suddenly G put his arms around me from behind. He asked if this was okay, I said yes. I liked the feel of his arms around me. He had been so nice to me and was different really from the grumpy man I thought he was.
Boy was I mistaken. Over the last 9 months I have met his moodiness. Sometimes I could joke about something that one day would be laughed at and the next would be rude and insulting.
The relationship has been tumultuous at times but when it was (note the was) good it was great.
G really is a quite remarkable man. Even though he would screw his face up in disbelief, he is incredibly astute. He is intelligent way beyond the majority and also very bright. He has knowledge whish he would insist anyone can have but he cane use the learnt knowledge. He can use it both destructively and positively.
He has this relationship with D. He talks about his attachment to the dog M. Strangely enough I think the dogs are an analogy for his feelings. He is strgonly attached to M (D in my mind) and dislikes T (J the husband, they are still together and it's a strange 3-some really). Then he was being unkind to LL (me, growling at hr and making her unhappy). And that's how it's been really.
I tried to out aside insecurity re D and decided to trust him when he said they were close mates and that there was nothing other than that leel of feeling. He goes there pretty much every day unless he's avoiding doing some work that she's asked him to do, such as stroimming, or he's got annoyed (which can be regular with me) or she doesn't want him there. It's all very odd. i wonder what her wife thinks. And knowing the way G is he probably has made it home without that ever being anyone's intention. Well not to the extent he took ownrship of my place. He didn't want to leave. I ad to strat getting boundaried and saying I needed my time. he was getting angrier about that. BUt he came here to stay and after a couple of days I notied his tyres had been slashed. All four. He did nothing about for over a week. Eventually I asked him what he was going to do. He had no money. I loaned him the £240 to get the tyres replaed. He said he would pay me back. Guess what.
However, he put in a shower. I said I wanted it but had I known it was a payment for the tyres I wouldn't have had it. Plus it's not really finished, I had to buy some parts which I suppose were in all about £80 in the end. The housing association would have put one in for £70 and it would probably have been a better job in that it would have been finished. He promised a shower panel. It's never happened and he got cross about it as well because he's have to do some tiling. His workmanship leaves something to be desired so I am glad he didn't do that. So I paid £240 for a shower. And then he bought me a kettle and a loely jacket and some underear for my birthday. Again I was embarrassed to take this but no offer to ay back the money despite getting his rebate. I took the presents. Again I would rather have had the money to spend on my own tyres and a car service desparately needed.
Chrsitmas was awful. He wanted to be with D. She knew about at this time. He came for a visit on Christmas Day. I had not made arrangements thinking that we would be together.
He was marvellous support thourhg my dads; death - 3rd February and then the funeral 13th February. BUt bloody hell he projected his anger onto the whole thing including me.
He often did. Telling me off for being the way I am. I am so glad to have ended this relationship.
However I miss the intelligent him, the bright him, the quick-witted him, the thoughtful him, the gentle him, the intimate him. This man exists behond the gossip, the anger, the overly sensitive him.
Bloody hell is his story one that is so dreaful. I have cried for what he has been through. And it affects him deeply today. He does not move on from it. He says that it cannot be changed. He blames the circumstances on him being an alcoholic. I don't know if that's true or not. Is it there anyway to be had at any opportunity?
It's been a hellish time and an amazing time. In the end it was more hell than great. I hadn't been sure about the relationship throughou really. Things like this 3-some he was on, the lack of any desire to work, the lack of any money really, the anger, the gossip, etc etc. All these things were under my question from early on. I just wasn't sure though. I came to know last week when he shouted at me publicly for not wanting more than a glass of water. And then he was starting to get worse with LL. That was the final straw. That cannot happen to LL. S made a comment to me soemthing about valuing myself as much as LL.
And I have I ended the relationship on Saturday. It was not easy to do in the sense of fear of telling him. This FEAR in me is so immense. I could have said something Wednesday. He gave me the opportunity. I could have said somethign Friday and planned to but bottled out.
I knew I needed to say something Saturday morning as he thought he was coming over for a nie stay. He was civil on the phone. He put the phone down. Then I got a sharp text.
"you have always been dishonest. A fake, self-seeking and very much blind to yourself. Maybe the result of hiding in your therapy work!! The sex was a sham and I think you will always have fantasies about your father".
I smiled. I think this was hurt being lashed out. There was some dishonesty on my part. He'd asked me if I'd ever prostituted myself. I said no.
The rest, well. I don't think there's any truth in it at all. The last comment is something he alluded to before. I had asked him then what he had said as I didn't hear it or maybe he didn't actually say anything more than a start of something. I can't quite remember, perhaps the latter. Anyway. I think G was projecting so much onto me.
So it's over.
And then in walks LW or rather I invited the advance.
In my mind the fantasy has begun. I'm married living in Sweden. We are great together.
You see he is good looking. This one is. I do find him physically attractive. We have had virual sex. He's donw it before he must have done although he said he's had phone sex with an ex.
He says that he fancied me when we were at scaool. I am finding it difficult to beleive that someone so good looking could have or does find me attractive. You see I see ugly. well maybe just unattractive.
It's amazing though that I am so comfortable in my body now.
Another adventure begins. I'm alrady in something else. No time as they say like the present .... toescape the emotions!
Well I'm tired. Late night cyber ses these day knackers me out. Gosh how I was managing with SL goodness only knows. I was up until 2 or 3 am and then up at 6 to leave for work and do a full day rush home and SL again.
Crazy!! I can't do it now.
Bliss
Relax and let go. I need some help from my HP to do this as it doesn't come naturally.
I could feel the tension, the pressure "got to get it right as P's wanting it all perfect"
Well the day went okay really. A good group. Supervision was as ever helpful. I'm tired.
However I wat to write down the past months. A lot as always has happened. I haven't written much about it.
Another adventure with lots of lessons. I wonder if I've learnt them. It appears not.
So last September, after several weeks or months of some sort of flirting between G and I, he invited me for a walk. I had for the entire time prior to this been thrilled by his texts and when that shifted into telephone conversations, I listened to his voive and started to fall in love with this person of my imagination. When I saw him I just kept asking myself what am I doing. I was not attracted to him physically. I imagine when younger he was a really good looking guy. But now he's a very aged and grumpy looking face. He is in fact grumpy.
On the first walk I was charmed by the way he knew the names of wild flowers. he took me to Winchester HIll. I had never been. So there was a romatic gentle him I encountered. Someone who was loving nature. Yup I was beginning to be hooked.
That evening I didn't want the time with him to end. We went to a nearby pub for a cup of tea/coffee. I was flirtatious in my whole body. He touched my knee. I noticed and the feeling lingered long after he had removed his finger. It was not a full hand just a few finger points on my knee.
As we drive towards home, it was getting late. I needed to eat. My place was so messy i wouldn't consider for a second inviting him in where I could have made my food and some for him. So late as it was, I suggested we go out for something to eat. I couldn't affird and somehow I already knew he didn't work or something. Anyway we had a cheapish meal. It was as abstinent as it could be and certainly less than I am required to eat. It was food and you know how it is when you're flirting? Food doesn't really come into things. So I'd done well.
Then he drove me home. Sitting in the car I asked him what was going on? He asked "what between thee and me?". I said yes. He said something I can't remember now and as I turned to look at him he kissed me. I was surprised to say the least I was not expecting that.
I said that I was not available for a relationship. He said he wasn't either. So we parted company.
I had texts from him in the week and calls and we went on a second walk. On this occassion I was more than intersted despite not being available for a relationship. In between all of this there were conversations with my FA sponsor who was saying that I needed to cut contact, I agree, I cut contact but then reengaged with him.
So on the second walk ... I was standing overlooking a wonderful view, when suddenly G put his arms around me from behind. He asked if this was okay, I said yes. I liked the feel of his arms around me. He had been so nice to me and was different really from the grumpy man I thought he was.
Boy was I mistaken. Over the last 9 months I have met his moodiness. Sometimes I could joke about something that one day would be laughed at and the next would be rude and insulting.
The relationship has been tumultuous at times but when it was (note the was) good it was great.
G really is a quite remarkable man. Even though he would screw his face up in disbelief, he is incredibly astute. He is intelligent way beyond the majority and also very bright. He has knowledge whish he would insist anyone can have but he cane use the learnt knowledge. He can use it both destructively and positively.
He has this relationship with D. He talks about his attachment to the dog M. Strangely enough I think the dogs are an analogy for his feelings. He is strgonly attached to M (D in my mind) and dislikes T (J the husband, they are still together and it's a strange 3-some really). Then he was being unkind to LL (me, growling at hr and making her unhappy). And that's how it's been really.
I tried to out aside insecurity re D and decided to trust him when he said they were close mates and that there was nothing other than that leel of feeling. He goes there pretty much every day unless he's avoiding doing some work that she's asked him to do, such as stroimming, or he's got annoyed (which can be regular with me) or she doesn't want him there. It's all very odd. i wonder what her wife thinks. And knowing the way G is he probably has made it home without that ever being anyone's intention. Well not to the extent he took ownrship of my place. He didn't want to leave. I ad to strat getting boundaried and saying I needed my time. he was getting angrier about that. BUt he came here to stay and after a couple of days I notied his tyres had been slashed. All four. He did nothing about for over a week. Eventually I asked him what he was going to do. He had no money. I loaned him the £240 to get the tyres replaed. He said he would pay me back. Guess what.
However, he put in a shower. I said I wanted it but had I known it was a payment for the tyres I wouldn't have had it. Plus it's not really finished, I had to buy some parts which I suppose were in all about £80 in the end. The housing association would have put one in for £70 and it would probably have been a better job in that it would have been finished. He promised a shower panel. It's never happened and he got cross about it as well because he's have to do some tiling. His workmanship leaves something to be desired so I am glad he didn't do that. So I paid £240 for a shower. And then he bought me a kettle and a loely jacket and some underear for my birthday. Again I was embarrassed to take this but no offer to ay back the money despite getting his rebate. I took the presents. Again I would rather have had the money to spend on my own tyres and a car service desparately needed.
Chrsitmas was awful. He wanted to be with D. She knew about at this time. He came for a visit on Christmas Day. I had not made arrangements thinking that we would be together.
He was marvellous support thourhg my dads; death - 3rd February and then the funeral 13th February. BUt bloody hell he projected his anger onto the whole thing including me.
He often did. Telling me off for being the way I am. I am so glad to have ended this relationship.
However I miss the intelligent him, the bright him, the quick-witted him, the thoughtful him, the gentle him, the intimate him. This man exists behond the gossip, the anger, the overly sensitive him.
Bloody hell is his story one that is so dreaful. I have cried for what he has been through. And it affects him deeply today. He does not move on from it. He says that it cannot be changed. He blames the circumstances on him being an alcoholic. I don't know if that's true or not. Is it there anyway to be had at any opportunity?
It's been a hellish time and an amazing time. In the end it was more hell than great. I hadn't been sure about the relationship throughou really. Things like this 3-some he was on, the lack of any desire to work, the lack of any money really, the anger, the gossip, etc etc. All these things were under my question from early on. I just wasn't sure though. I came to know last week when he shouted at me publicly for not wanting more than a glass of water. And then he was starting to get worse with LL. That was the final straw. That cannot happen to LL. S made a comment to me soemthing about valuing myself as much as LL.
And I have I ended the relationship on Saturday. It was not easy to do in the sense of fear of telling him. This FEAR in me is so immense. I could have said something Wednesday. He gave me the opportunity. I could have said somethign Friday and planned to but bottled out.
I knew I needed to say something Saturday morning as he thought he was coming over for a nie stay. He was civil on the phone. He put the phone down. Then I got a sharp text.
"you have always been dishonest. A fake, self-seeking and very much blind to yourself. Maybe the result of hiding in your therapy work!! The sex was a sham and I think you will always have fantasies about your father".
I smiled. I think this was hurt being lashed out. There was some dishonesty on my part. He'd asked me if I'd ever prostituted myself. I said no.
The rest, well. I don't think there's any truth in it at all. The last comment is something he alluded to before. I had asked him then what he had said as I didn't hear it or maybe he didn't actually say anything more than a start of something. I can't quite remember, perhaps the latter. Anyway. I think G was projecting so much onto me.
So it's over.
And then in walks LW or rather I invited the advance.
In my mind the fantasy has begun. I'm married living in Sweden. We are great together.
You see he is good looking. This one is. I do find him physically attractive. We have had virual sex. He's donw it before he must have done although he said he's had phone sex with an ex.
He says that he fancied me when we were at scaool. I am finding it difficult to beleive that someone so good looking could have or does find me attractive. You see I see ugly. well maybe just unattractive.
It's amazing though that I am so comfortable in my body now.
Another adventure begins. I'm alrady in something else. No time as they say like the present .... toescape the emotions!
Well I'm tired. Late night cyber ses these day knackers me out. Gosh how I was managing with SL goodness only knows. I was up until 2 or 3 am and then up at 6 to leave for work and do a full day rush home and SL again.
Crazy!! I can't do it now.
Bliss
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