.... this morning at 4 am I was woken by a call - blocked number (which G had been doing with his phone) and no one spoke. I feel pretty certain it was him. He has very disturbed sleep - terrible dreams in the early hours - so I hope he's not going to have a period of making calls to disturb me.
It may not have been him of course.
I really pray for his hurt to heal.
I feel dreadful for being any part of hurting him at all. I have no regrets about this time with George apart from there being any hurt. It happens though. "Adventuring" brings the full array of joy, fear, anger, plus hurt and sadness. I would rather have had my experiences than not I think. I say this now in hindsight and with the knowledge i have today. But in the pain of course I don't want it. I don't just mean this time with G, I mean every time with everything. Including all the stuff with my dad. I'd still rather not have been on the receiving end of sexual abuse in all it's shapes and forms with my dad and indeed through my adult life too. BUT I can better live with these memories and impacts today I think. I am changing and improving. And for this I am truly grateful.
Do you know? I do feel regret when I look back and see the men I have allowed into my life. Not all. I've been out with many men who I have truly fancied. But in the same progressive manner with other obsessions, I have allowed men into my life that I really have not fancied at all. JH was one of them. My dealer. Oh my god if you had met him. I was repulsed by him but you know what - drugged of course - the paranoia that he was seeing someone else - baffling. Of course he was, like me women were hooked in with the drugs. Shit I feel the shame of wanting these men. And indicative of my self-worth they just have to pay that little bit extra attention. Just clawing at anyone who shows even a crumb of love. It's so sad that anyone should not feel worthy enough ....
It's so compelling that at times I really don't know I can have what I want.
But each time I learn a little more. What is incredible is that I am perfectly okay on my own. I like people and enjoy sharing experiences with people. But to be home on my own is so easy and relaxing. From a child that has never been the case. I spent so much time alone as a child. From a little girl I would return home from school and be alone. I made up people and played make believe games. There was always silence in the house apart from in my head. I think that's why I liked music so much but when my dad came home music had to be switched off. Yet when he wanted music we had no choice. My mum liked classical music and especially the arias, my dad never ever let her listen to it. She like the Beatles too and had loads of records but she was never allowed to listen to them. Instead we had to listen to music he liked if we had the radio on.
I feel quite sick thinking of this but I once bought a record called Lying in the Arms of Mary. (Now I've listened to it and its dreary ha ha ha). The song carries a bit of me with it forever. However I want to continue to unlock the binding chains.
I really loved this record. When I bought it one night my mum was away on a trip. My dad and I sat in the dark listening to it over and over and over and over again. He let me keep putting it on. I never normally was allowed to play my records on the stereo I had to play it on the old fashioned portable in my bedroom. God how old I am as for ages they were the only record players ha ha ha ha . I wish I still had it and all my records. As usual I got rid of them in one of my many geographicals.
Whenever I think of that evening I cringe to the very core. Sometimes feel much that memory can be worse than some of the physical things that happened. Isn't that bizarre. The physical things are so obvious and wrong but things like that are much creepier and more evil and more sinister.
It's etched deeply in my memory. We weren't even sitting next to each other (thank goodness) but I have this impending feeling that he will get up and move closer. Ugh - judders from the inside out and one of those forever waiting moments that I can't get away from as if I'm locked into that seat waiting forever.
It's been a big thing in my psyche from then and this is the first time I've ever written about it. I shan't of course send this email. And now know I need to talk to someone about this. It has to be someone very safe. And that person is SC. I think I will email him.
But then step in LW. This flirtatious contretemps has been fun but I know it's a distraction from feeling the feelings. There is one difference, he is very fanciable to look at and by the sounds of it lives a way more in tune with my own, i.e. working and earning. G was very different in this way, preferring not to work and making doing with little money. Of course I immediately have fantasies and he talks of just arriving. He is very naughty and I've gone along with it. I have fantasy as hopes but not really that disillusioned. I will just go along with it but terrified of course of the insecurity setting in as attachment grows. How can I stay detached? God help me.
Bliss
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