Trust in my instincts, that's good for me to keep experiencing. However, it is often when I verbalise things that it starts to become apparent that I have instincts in the first place.
Yesterday I was modelling for Mr B.U. and his peculiar entourage. I can't quite fathom what's going there. They are a bohemian group really. I find it quite compelling being there. But what is uncomfortable is their desire to know more about me. I want to go there and simply be the model. I do not want them to know anything about me. So, how do I now backtrack and keep things from being personal? Well I can continue to be vague despite the questioning. There was one lady there though, J, who I warmed to. She was a teacher of art at one time ad has run youth hostels. I learnt that she has always had an interest in young adults, teenagers. She said that she was never really a great lover of babies or young children. It was really because of her that I revealed things about me and now regret being so open.
Partly it's because it starts to be less professional, less of a job I really mean, because I am far from being a professional model. I want to go there, be anonymous me, despite my naked body, and lave again. I think it's a protection of the real and whole me even though they get to see me entirely. Also the jacuzzi bit is just a little too much familiarity. I won't do that again. Although, I wonder what holds me back. Is it my coyness? After all I imagine the bohemian groups included models and it was all fun and laughter. Somehow it seems muddled for me. Why be so withdrawn and what do I have to withhold? It's me.
I have a concern that some of me will filter into the more reserved class group where I think there are artists but less bohemian. I am making judgements of everyone here. I know little about them. This is to do with me retaining my dignity and muddled values I think. There has been an association for me with escorting (prostitution basically). Turning up and getting my kit off and having sex for money. Here I am, naked in front of a number of people for money, just a lot less. Nonetheless this money is adding to a growing savings fund and I am enjoying having the growing pot. I feel more secure with it. I can feel Singapore becoming a reality. Thank you God for the security.
I think I need some guidance here God about what is the best thing to do in your name. What is the right thing to do? Some people would find this brazen and sinful. I detected that in G, saying I wouldn't do that. She said that she didn't know I did it until I reminded her that it was she who'd told me A does lie modelling too. I started to feel I needed to justify my reasoning. I do enjoy being a model to some degree but do wonder why? I tell myself I enjoy being a part of the art environment. Do I? I think perhaps I will try and take CC's offer up of joining a class. Once my degree is over. I'd like to be trying out more creative things ad I am interested in being able to draw the body. I do wonder why though.
What is good is that I don't just do things and bury my thoughts and feelings. I have got emotions stirred here. There is an association with past activities. I still wonder how I ever was able to do that but I did love the money. One thing is for sure I've had a colourful life and people seem to lose respect for people who behave in certain ways. Or rather they think because of choices that makes me less worthy. Oooo, judgements. I pray God to have judgement and criticism removed from me. I make all these assumptions and I really don't like. I start to think I know what "type" of person they are because they behave this way or that way at different times. As with PD. I see his past and how how he has this attachment with his entrepreneurial family. Yet I judge him on his losses. I never ever take away his generosity. Time and again PD will give to people, at his own cost. I think he works hard on keeping resentments away. I feel a lot of guilt for my day off per week. However, it was agreed and he didn't rescind on the agreement despite his regular moans. It's his regular moans that tell me he holds that against me. I regularly said why not pay me on a pro-rata basis. I would have been happier with that and indeed would have stayed on a 4 day week if I could have afforded it. I feel comfortable that I will be deducted for the one day per week in my new job. It's a mutual agreement. Thank goodness though I am earning more money to afford the drop. One day will make a hell of a difference during September and October it's 5 days in total off. I'm still reeling about this guilt that I feel and then the guilt turns outwards to attribute blame with PD instead of me being in the wrong. It is what it is and it's already history. I am very grateful though to have had the time because, although, I don;t utilise it fully for studying, I cannot keep going at all with the tiredness I feel and scraping through the course work really. It's been a real drain working full time and attempting to study part time. I am disappointed not to have done better.
I think there's a lot for me to learn in letting go and going with the flow.
Please God, remove the controlling, prejudiced, judgemental parts of me. Show me how to be free flowing and loving of all, and where my boundaries are and how to apply them. I think yesterday was a sure sign that if I am to continue I do not want to be revealing parts of me and remember that I am not there to counsel, I am there to be a life model and that's all. With PD I should have insisted that I am paid for 4 days only. I did not protest too much at all when he said no!
Oh gosh I have a call with Caroline at 10am
Yes, another things just came to mind. I am looking to see if BU is upset at all. I am checking him out all the time as the boss. I want to drop that. If he doesn't like what's happening around him then he can say. I notice though how disrespectful P is of him. She takes him for granted I feel. She is pretty self-centred and doesn't realise it. She says that her ex pointed this out to her as if it is completely wrong. I get the feeling she wants me to confirm that she isn't.
Complicated people.
Bliss
XX
ps. I've received my contract. It says the amount I've negotiated. I still can't quite believe it!
I think I get the best of both worlds - straight and corporate and also the bohemian in my private life. How amazing to be able to have it all. I just need to be able to go with the flow and see what happens.
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Yesterday I was modelling for Mr B.U. and his peculiar entourage. I can't quite fathom what's going there. They are a bohemian group really. I find it quite compelling being there. But what is uncomfortable is their desire to know more about me. I want to go there and simply be the model. I do not want them to know anything about me. So, how do I now backtrack and keep things from being personal? Well I can continue to be vague despite the questioning. There was one lady there though, J, who I warmed to. She was a teacher of art at one time ad has run youth hostels. I learnt that she has always had an interest in young adults, teenagers. She said that she was never really a great lover of babies or young children. It was really because of her that I revealed things about me and now regret being so open.
Partly it's because it starts to be less professional, less of a job I really mean, because I am far from being a professional model. I want to go there, be anonymous me, despite my naked body, and lave again. I think it's a protection of the real and whole me even though they get to see me entirely. Also the jacuzzi bit is just a little too much familiarity. I won't do that again. Although, I wonder what holds me back. Is it my coyness? After all I imagine the bohemian groups included models and it was all fun and laughter. Somehow it seems muddled for me. Why be so withdrawn and what do I have to withhold? It's me.
I have a concern that some of me will filter into the more reserved class group where I think there are artists but less bohemian. I am making judgements of everyone here. I know little about them. This is to do with me retaining my dignity and muddled values I think. There has been an association for me with escorting (prostitution basically). Turning up and getting my kit off and having sex for money. Here I am, naked in front of a number of people for money, just a lot less. Nonetheless this money is adding to a growing savings fund and I am enjoying having the growing pot. I feel more secure with it. I can feel Singapore becoming a reality. Thank you God for the security.
I think I need some guidance here God about what is the best thing to do in your name. What is the right thing to do? Some people would find this brazen and sinful. I detected that in G, saying I wouldn't do that. She said that she didn't know I did it until I reminded her that it was she who'd told me A does lie modelling too. I started to feel I needed to justify my reasoning. I do enjoy being a model to some degree but do wonder why? I tell myself I enjoy being a part of the art environment. Do I? I think perhaps I will try and take CC's offer up of joining a class. Once my degree is over. I'd like to be trying out more creative things ad I am interested in being able to draw the body. I do wonder why though.
What is good is that I don't just do things and bury my thoughts and feelings. I have got emotions stirred here. There is an association with past activities. I still wonder how I ever was able to do that but I did love the money. One thing is for sure I've had a colourful life and people seem to lose respect for people who behave in certain ways. Or rather they think because of choices that makes me less worthy. Oooo, judgements. I pray God to have judgement and criticism removed from me. I make all these assumptions and I really don't like. I start to think I know what "type" of person they are because they behave this way or that way at different times. As with PD. I see his past and how how he has this attachment with his entrepreneurial family. Yet I judge him on his losses. I never ever take away his generosity. Time and again PD will give to people, at his own cost. I think he works hard on keeping resentments away. I feel a lot of guilt for my day off per week. However, it was agreed and he didn't rescind on the agreement despite his regular moans. It's his regular moans that tell me he holds that against me. I regularly said why not pay me on a pro-rata basis. I would have been happier with that and indeed would have stayed on a 4 day week if I could have afforded it. I feel comfortable that I will be deducted for the one day per week in my new job. It's a mutual agreement. Thank goodness though I am earning more money to afford the drop. One day will make a hell of a difference during September and October it's 5 days in total off. I'm still reeling about this guilt that I feel and then the guilt turns outwards to attribute blame with PD instead of me being in the wrong. It is what it is and it's already history. I am very grateful though to have had the time because, although, I don;t utilise it fully for studying, I cannot keep going at all with the tiredness I feel and scraping through the course work really. It's been a real drain working full time and attempting to study part time. I am disappointed not to have done better.
I think there's a lot for me to learn in letting go and going with the flow.
Please God, remove the controlling, prejudiced, judgemental parts of me. Show me how to be free flowing and loving of all, and where my boundaries are and how to apply them. I think yesterday was a sure sign that if I am to continue I do not want to be revealing parts of me and remember that I am not there to counsel, I am there to be a life model and that's all. With PD I should have insisted that I am paid for 4 days only. I did not protest too much at all when he said no!
Oh gosh I have a call with Caroline at 10am
Yes, another things just came to mind. I am looking to see if BU is upset at all. I am checking him out all the time as the boss. I want to drop that. If he doesn't like what's happening around him then he can say. I notice though how disrespectful P is of him. She takes him for granted I feel. She is pretty self-centred and doesn't realise it. She says that her ex pointed this out to her as if it is completely wrong. I get the feeling she wants me to confirm that she isn't.
Complicated people.
Bliss
XX
ps. I've received my contract. It says the amount I've negotiated. I still can't quite believe it!
I think I get the best of both worlds - straight and corporate and also the bohemian in my private life. How amazing to be able to have it all. I just need to be able to go with the flow and see what happens.
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