I think the rage is subsiding. Or was it the disbelief of my Auntie O?
I think I've heard enough from others.
I have been angry and lashing out a bit. I don't know what else to do with my anger.
I lashed out by spreading the word about my dad. I wanted people to know he treated me horribly and that some of my monsters under my bed were put there, they weren't just from the inside of me. (Stephen King quote posted by a friend on FB).
What am I angry about? I'm angry because my dad has treated me unkindly for as long as I can remember. He might not think it was unkind but to me it was. Things from a little girl such as giving all the other kids a helicopter swing but not me. So in the greater scheme of things he was giving me a whole heap of things all of the time. But standing there waiting expectantly when all the other kids were enjoying it, I felt rejected, left out and hurt. It's been like that ever since. he would be running around for other people but would be moody with mum and I. Everyone appeared to come before us.Yet I know too he worked hard and so on. It's difficult not to minimise the feelings. I'm no longer sure what to do with which. I get the feeling that FA say quieten the negativity. Step away from it. I suppose so long as I don't ignore that it's there.
I wonder what Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo would say. I might write to her. But what would I say.
Dear Jetsunma.
I have been floundering in rage these past weeks. Since my dads death T, his wife has infuriated me by what seem to be unkind gestures. I truly believe she has been jealous all of these years and furthermore I feel certain she has been lied to about me. I wonder if she even knows the times my dad has met up with me.
And it feels so unjust that he would have been telling her things about me, making her dislike me. But I think I've tried to emphasise things about my dad so that people know how difficult its been for me. It similar. The thing is the things he did to me when I was younger I think are despicable. He put the monsters under my bed. But I then bred my own. And I cultured his dislike for me by irrational decisions and bad behaviour. I was using alcohol and drugs. It seems my mum had told Auntie O. I was a nightmare. As I listen to a clients parents describing what's going on for them I just feel so sad for the confusion and sadness my mum must have felt. It's difficult not to take it personally. I know only too well and my dad would not have had any resources to think differently.
He was a disturbed man of that I'm certain.
I've been raging particularly since he disinherited me. It was the biggest insult of them all. But no different really from all of the others throughout my life. I cannot forgive him for that right now. I feel furious and the powerlessness of not being able to do anything about it. Not being able to reason with him because he's fucked off. Kaputt! Snuffed it! Dead! And I'm glad. I feel dreadful for saying that but at the same time it's true.
I never thought I could feel like this about death. I get pangs of sorrow when I think I'll never meet hi for a coffee again. I'll never receive a card from him again or a cheque. I knew this Christmas it was the last one. I do have these senses. Perhaps it was just with my parents. I soprt of knew about my mum yet was pissed off to learn that everyone was told in advance but me. And my dad didn't give credit for change when LW called him to tell him uncle B had died. And my dad told LW that I was too unwell to be informed, unstable. Fucking git! He was stuck in a rut from old old old times. He was a fucking bastard. He never gave me credit for anything. As I write that I think well I was a fuckwit. I wasn't. I did some things throughout my life that were misguided, but I was fucked up and he was a p[art of that. There is no separation and I'm angry that he didn't take any responsibility just blamed. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! That's the injustice. He blamed me! He never ever looked at himself. There isn't a word I know that describes the emotion that goes with that. What is the word???? I need someone to identify with it and describe it to help me get it out of me. It's like it's stuck in my throat and it's blocking me from moving forward. At least I can describe it but I want someone to identify with it.
An email to a friend ...
"I know for me I start out with the best intentions. And I could even keep it going for a while. Which would lull me intoa false sense of security. So good at kidding myself. And gradually gradually it would build up until I'd be right back into the overeating involving lots of sugar and flour products. I strongly witness in me a problem with sugar and flour products and quantity. I am now a year and half free of that and have maintained a steady weight of between 120 - 124 pounfs. God am I relieved. I feel okay aboutmy body and can wear any clothes without trying different combinations. I would have a very few "fat" clothes because really I jst wanted to be covered and hidden and didn't like the clothes themselves. Nothing looked good anyway. I was lacking in confidence. All crazy thinking of course but it was all led by the overeating. Now I have a few combinations of nice clothes. I can't afford many but it doesn't matter because I can wear any. It doesn't stop me still being crazy i my thinking but it gives me an opportunity to work on that. Always working towards imprving self and more and more freedom.
Right now has been a particularly crazy time. Raging with my father and with it I've raked up a lot of horrid memories from the past. But I think I'm beginning to see how I'm hanging on to the rage and turmoil. It doesn't do much good anymore. So I woke up this morning realising I have needed to vent it but now it's time to start calming. I prefer the balanced, peaceful way.
Things are irregular with G. We are meeting today. But I don't think I want to be in this in/out style relationship. I think I want to say to him that I'd like to slow everything down. No staying for nights on end. NO smoking in my flat. And there are a number of things. We have already gone way beyond the sex thing so I think it's impossible to back ttrack on that. I don't think he'll take it too well. But I really feel it's right for me. The problem is I'm so hooked on fear of what people think and their reactions. I don't want any enemies and yet I end up with them for being me. There must be a way of doing things that means we can be friends. I loe him as my friend. I am not in love with him. I don't love too many people and yet I can love everyone just for being human. G is a special man. He truly is and I love him for that. I wouldn't want him any other way but there are just so many things I don't want over ruling my own life and I do take them on. Until I can not take things on as my own I can't go on as we are. I don't know if I can learn this without being in the relationship. I'm sure I can."
Hmmm - I think I need a drink, some quiet meditation and wash and brush up, a tidy up and then G will be here.
What I really want to say to him is that I do not want endless nights of him staying here. I want to slow things down a lot more. I don't like the in/out relationship style we have. It's a part of who we both are but it doesn't have to be. I don't want to be doing that to him. Is he preapred to slow it all down with me? I want him in my life. I really do. He's an amazing man. I want to do things with him and be with him but not all the time. I do not want to be with anyone else. I do want time with my friends and those I choose, and to go to meetings and get up early and have some time on my own. I also want time with him. It's not a matter on not knowing what I want it's a matter of not wanting to be so crazy but how to get there. And I'm so controlled by fear.
I'm afraid of his anger and a bad reaction. He does over react taking things very personally. I suppose it is poersonal when I say I don't want smoking in my flat. And I'm tired of his mess. I'm messy enough on my own but he's really messy.
I'm not clear because the fear sets in. I've agreed to meet without checking it with anyone else. Self-willed and the result is he wants skin on skin. I'm uncertain as it just leads to being back where we started in my thinking. Yet I'll do it for the sake fo fear. Universe please help me with what you are showing me. I don't want to be awkward and clumsy but I'm giving mixed messages.
I do not want to give a mixed message. But I also don't know how to be clear.
At least the rage seems to be subsiding. It rises in me like a volcano and explodes.Erupting all over the place.
I want to depict that.
I'm going to somehow. I think I might make a mosaic. And what about my studying? Hmm. I guess I'll have this day off. And tomorrow morning ad start when I get back from A's tomorrow. I'm allowed a bit of a break I guess. Where are the cheeky emoticons? ;)
Bliss
XX
I think I've heard enough from others.
I have been angry and lashing out a bit. I don't know what else to do with my anger.
I lashed out by spreading the word about my dad. I wanted people to know he treated me horribly and that some of my monsters under my bed were put there, they weren't just from the inside of me. (Stephen King quote posted by a friend on FB).
What am I angry about? I'm angry because my dad has treated me unkindly for as long as I can remember. He might not think it was unkind but to me it was. Things from a little girl such as giving all the other kids a helicopter swing but not me. So in the greater scheme of things he was giving me a whole heap of things all of the time. But standing there waiting expectantly when all the other kids were enjoying it, I felt rejected, left out and hurt. It's been like that ever since. he would be running around for other people but would be moody with mum and I. Everyone appeared to come before us.Yet I know too he worked hard and so on. It's difficult not to minimise the feelings. I'm no longer sure what to do with which. I get the feeling that FA say quieten the negativity. Step away from it. I suppose so long as I don't ignore that it's there.
I wonder what Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo would say. I might write to her. But what would I say.
Dear Jetsunma.
I have been floundering in rage these past weeks. Since my dads death T, his wife has infuriated me by what seem to be unkind gestures. I truly believe she has been jealous all of these years and furthermore I feel certain she has been lied to about me. I wonder if she even knows the times my dad has met up with me.
And it feels so unjust that he would have been telling her things about me, making her dislike me. But I think I've tried to emphasise things about my dad so that people know how difficult its been for me. It similar. The thing is the things he did to me when I was younger I think are despicable. He put the monsters under my bed. But I then bred my own. And I cultured his dislike for me by irrational decisions and bad behaviour. I was using alcohol and drugs. It seems my mum had told Auntie O. I was a nightmare. As I listen to a clients parents describing what's going on for them I just feel so sad for the confusion and sadness my mum must have felt. It's difficult not to take it personally. I know only too well and my dad would not have had any resources to think differently.
He was a disturbed man of that I'm certain.
I've been raging particularly since he disinherited me. It was the biggest insult of them all. But no different really from all of the others throughout my life. I cannot forgive him for that right now. I feel furious and the powerlessness of not being able to do anything about it. Not being able to reason with him because he's fucked off. Kaputt! Snuffed it! Dead! And I'm glad. I feel dreadful for saying that but at the same time it's true.
I never thought I could feel like this about death. I get pangs of sorrow when I think I'll never meet hi for a coffee again. I'll never receive a card from him again or a cheque. I knew this Christmas it was the last one. I do have these senses. Perhaps it was just with my parents. I soprt of knew about my mum yet was pissed off to learn that everyone was told in advance but me. And my dad didn't give credit for change when LW called him to tell him uncle B had died. And my dad told LW that I was too unwell to be informed, unstable. Fucking git! He was stuck in a rut from old old old times. He was a fucking bastard. He never gave me credit for anything. As I write that I think well I was a fuckwit. I wasn't. I did some things throughout my life that were misguided, but I was fucked up and he was a p[art of that. There is no separation and I'm angry that he didn't take any responsibility just blamed. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! That's the injustice. He blamed me! He never ever looked at himself. There isn't a word I know that describes the emotion that goes with that. What is the word???? I need someone to identify with it and describe it to help me get it out of me. It's like it's stuck in my throat and it's blocking me from moving forward. At least I can describe it but I want someone to identify with it.
An email to a friend ...
"I know for me I start out with the best intentions. And I could even keep it going for a while. Which would lull me intoa false sense of security. So good at kidding myself. And gradually gradually it would build up until I'd be right back into the overeating involving lots of sugar and flour products. I strongly witness in me a problem with sugar and flour products and quantity. I am now a year and half free of that and have maintained a steady weight of between 120 - 124 pounfs. God am I relieved. I feel okay aboutmy body and can wear any clothes without trying different combinations. I would have a very few "fat" clothes because really I jst wanted to be covered and hidden and didn't like the clothes themselves. Nothing looked good anyway. I was lacking in confidence. All crazy thinking of course but it was all led by the overeating. Now I have a few combinations of nice clothes. I can't afford many but it doesn't matter because I can wear any. It doesn't stop me still being crazy i my thinking but it gives me an opportunity to work on that. Always working towards imprving self and more and more freedom.
Right now has been a particularly crazy time. Raging with my father and with it I've raked up a lot of horrid memories from the past. But I think I'm beginning to see how I'm hanging on to the rage and turmoil. It doesn't do much good anymore. So I woke up this morning realising I have needed to vent it but now it's time to start calming. I prefer the balanced, peaceful way.
Things are irregular with G. We are meeting today. But I don't think I want to be in this in/out style relationship. I think I want to say to him that I'd like to slow everything down. No staying for nights on end. NO smoking in my flat. And there are a number of things. We have already gone way beyond the sex thing so I think it's impossible to back ttrack on that. I don't think he'll take it too well. But I really feel it's right for me. The problem is I'm so hooked on fear of what people think and their reactions. I don't want any enemies and yet I end up with them for being me. There must be a way of doing things that means we can be friends. I loe him as my friend. I am not in love with him. I don't love too many people and yet I can love everyone just for being human. G is a special man. He truly is and I love him for that. I wouldn't want him any other way but there are just so many things I don't want over ruling my own life and I do take them on. Until I can not take things on as my own I can't go on as we are. I don't know if I can learn this without being in the relationship. I'm sure I can."
Hmmm - I think I need a drink, some quiet meditation and wash and brush up, a tidy up and then G will be here.
What I really want to say to him is that I do not want endless nights of him staying here. I want to slow things down a lot more. I don't like the in/out relationship style we have. It's a part of who we both are but it doesn't have to be. I don't want to be doing that to him. Is he preapred to slow it all down with me? I want him in my life. I really do. He's an amazing man. I want to do things with him and be with him but not all the time. I do not want to be with anyone else. I do want time with my friends and those I choose, and to go to meetings and get up early and have some time on my own. I also want time with him. It's not a matter on not knowing what I want it's a matter of not wanting to be so crazy but how to get there. And I'm so controlled by fear.
I'm afraid of his anger and a bad reaction. He does over react taking things very personally. I suppose it is poersonal when I say I don't want smoking in my flat. And I'm tired of his mess. I'm messy enough on my own but he's really messy.
I'm not clear because the fear sets in. I've agreed to meet without checking it with anyone else. Self-willed and the result is he wants skin on skin. I'm uncertain as it just leads to being back where we started in my thinking. Yet I'll do it for the sake fo fear. Universe please help me with what you are showing me. I don't want to be awkward and clumsy but I'm giving mixed messages.
I do not want to give a mixed message. But I also don't know how to be clear.
At least the rage seems to be subsiding. It rises in me like a volcano and explodes.Erupting all over the place.
I want to depict that.
I'm going to somehow. I think I might make a mosaic. And what about my studying? Hmm. I guess I'll have this day off. And tomorrow morning ad start when I get back from A's tomorrow. I'm allowed a bit of a break I guess. Where are the cheeky emoticons? ;)
Bliss
XX
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