Well you see by staying abstinent clarity comes. But not without help.
Last evening on the way home from the meeting I started to want sugar products. I think I had wanted sugar products earlier and this may have been partly triggered by looking for chocolates for G for mothers day, which is today. God bless my mum. I miss her enormously. I might trek over to her grave this afternoon. Why not? And then I could pop over to S and C's just to say hello. Sounds like a plan.
I wonder if it would be appropriate then to pop in and say hello to Sister N too. If I left here at about 4 or 5 pm I could do all of that. Is there a Homebase of DIY place to get some seeds and potatoes for planting. Yep I'll have my own crop soon thanks to my friendly neighbour V. He's my gardener and I'm his chauffeur.
I learnt how the capital I came about - in older olde English apparently we used the word ich, more Germanic it seems. Gradually the ch got dropped, leaving of course i. But then i seemed so little, insignificant in a sentence and thus was capitalised I. Why not capitalise a then? Well apparently it was round enough to be able to be substantial in it's lower case form. Interesting huh, the evolution of language. I was interested by Chief Rabbi Lord Saks' Thought for the Day on Friday and the main literary revolutions ...
One small item of news this week was one of the great signs of our time. The world’s most famous encyclopedia will no longer be published in printed form. It will exist only through the internet. Is this the beginning of the end of the printed word? Will our grandchildren be amazed that people once used newspapers and books? And how are we going to read in the bath?
Truth is that the great changes in the human situation happen when there is a revolution in information technology. There have been three so far. We are living through the fourth. And each had spiritual significance.
The first was the invention of writing: cuneiform in Mesopotamia. This was the birth of civilisation, because writing allows us to accumulate knowledge beyond the limits of unaided human memory.
The second, 38 centuries ago, was the birth of the alphabet, in the form of proto-Semitic, the earliest form of Phoenician and Hebrew writing, discovered by British archaeologist Flinders Petrie in the Sinai desert in 1903. The very word alphabet comes from the first two Hebrew letters, aleph bet, which later became in Greek, alpha beta.
The alphabet encoded all knowledge into less than thirty symbols and created for the first time the prospect of universal literacy and with it universal human dignity. The alphabet made possible the Book of books, the Bible, and Genesis 1’s revolutionary statement that we are all, each of us, in the image of god.
Third was the invention of printing by Gutenberg in Germany in the fifteenth century, which may not have caused the Reformation of Luther and Calvin, but allowed it to spreader wider, faster than any new idea had ever done before, transforming the religious face of Europe.
And now the fourth revolution: instantaneous global communication and the electronic word instead of the printed one. In the long run, by equalising access to knowledge, it will enhance the dignity of the individual. But there’s a long way to go between here and there.
Jews like me love this technology. But we won’t let it stop us remaining the people of the Book. Our sacred text, the Torah, is still written today as it always was, by hand, by quill, on parchment, as an eternal reminder that we must never forget where we came from if we’re to get to where we want to be. If we want to travel safely into the future we must carry with us the wisdom of the past.
Anyway, this is way off track. I left the meeting wanting to eat sugar products. I put this down to ritualisation, as I often would leave the meeting and being conveniently out I would stop at the local late opening Tesco store and buy up lots of flour and sugar products. I would dither in my choices trying not to have too much, wanting to buy the less fattening but at the same time not being able to resist. The idea that I would be able to get home and curl up on the settee with a film and eat. That I did regularly. Then as I was speaking this morning about this I got more clarity. What caused the ritual in the first place aside from the fact I was already out and could buy these foods? Well I talked about the ways in which I realised I was sexualising feelings during the meeting. I feel a discomfort in the meeting.Usually there are more men than women. I also realise that I wonder about different men. By wonder, I question if they are someone I could have a relationship with. And some I think are a little too forward. I am scared of how I can be with men. It's a sort of power thing. And that I realise is a fear of them. Yet also I am so self loathing I don't think for a minute anyone would be interested in ugly me. I flit between feeling very attractive to completely ugly. I have no idea, absolutely no idea whether I am attractive or not. This I believe is dysmorphia. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I am attractive and other times I just think ugh! It's very bizarre. Anyway, the realisation is that I am sexualising fear so automatically I don't even realise I'm doing it. I do it through these mini fantasies. The are momentary but fantasies nonetheless. I am very grateful that I have made the commitment to no engaging with men in any form of intrigue or flirtation for the next year. As my sponsor said this leaves room to develop my relationship with God. If I did start I would be using and that blocks out the opportunity to develop the relationship. The cloak comes over and blots out the view of God, the clarity of thought and mind and the awareness to be honest. It's not a malicious thought, it's addictive and automatic. So to step back leaves breathing space.
I was able to say to my sponsor that I almost feel as if I'm putting a pressure on her to understand the sex and love addiction,l to get it right and understand me. To be able to name the behaviours and attitudes correctly. I wanted to tell her so that I was honest and could step back from that too. I want to be able to say see I told you so, I'm different.
She could take that well though and my honesty enables me to step out of that attitude. I'm no more special and different than anyone else who also uses sex and love to varying degrees. I'm not the worst nor the best, I just do. I don't need to make those kind of comparisons about how bad an addict I am (using that word generically to represent any of the addictive behaviours I can so easily use). The thing is I know I am an addict and I can use anything. What ensues when I'm using is chaos and devastation. I prefer today to be learning just how to deal with situations that were once baffling to me and the only way I knew how to cope was to escape them. Not always entirely, sometimes it would just be using something to take the edge of so that I could stay. But usually I end up, well these days anyway, by hating myself for the way I behaved int he situation and analysing it over and over again what I should have done, what I could have done, what I would have done. As SH says "shoulda, coulda, woulda". Yes all of that is so much easier with abstinence and help by talking things through.
Thank you God that it is not my way today to enter into the situations with men to test out the water, or to eat sugar and flour products or large quantities and restricted quantities. Thank you God that I don't drink alcohol today or take drugs. And thank you God for the fellowship of FA to help me to remain abstinent with all the "tools" there for me to pick up.
If I am vigilant on a daily basis then I can have this one day at a time fr the rest of my life. I have faith that it's there for me and gaining strength that I can turn to it whatever situation I am faced with.
Yesterday I just could not find the energy to start studying. I permitted myself a day of much needed rest. I needed to recoup energy after the draining week of interaction with someone who I am finding difficult. It's remarkable that despite the pressure of my study load I permitted myself the day of rest. I prepared my lunch and went over to AB's to eat and then we went out for a walk. I did my food shopping on the way and bought petrol. I forgot to bank the cheque from my client. Poop. I will try and do that tomorrow on my way home. The cashpoint has a banking letterbox that is accessible.
That will at least contribute to the food and petrol I bought yesterday totalling £80 and even then I had forgotten spinach.
I will eat from the foods I've been storing in the freezer. I do that, I hoard food for just in case situations but it's a cost really. I then buy offers. I have enough food for this week and even slightly beyond apart from the spinach and other fresh salad foods.
So I am pleased for the clarity I am getting. Next I can learn how to be more relaxed interacting with men and remove that fear of me with them. I am very wary of them and it's not surprising as I've had some very harmful experiences. My dad, GW, amongst a number of horrible situations and experiences. Often the horror could occur because of my contribution to the situation, especially not knowing that I could say no, or would know to avoid certain types. Instead I would be grateful for a smile and give myself so completely. I do not want to do that anymore. If some day I do meet someone, which I would like very much, it would be hopefully with me knowing that that person is right for me and he would know that about me too. It would be equal and loving. Someone who is willing to work through issues and difficulties too. Someone who is a stayer to discover what is real or not.
The scenery from my window today is just wonderful. Blue skies and bright light from the sun. Fluffy white clouds that seem utterly still. And greenery starting to show through. The trees are still brown.
Thank you Universe for my abstinence today and for clarity. I have gratitude.
Bliss
xx
Last evening on the way home from the meeting I started to want sugar products. I think I had wanted sugar products earlier and this may have been partly triggered by looking for chocolates for G for mothers day, which is today. God bless my mum. I miss her enormously. I might trek over to her grave this afternoon. Why not? And then I could pop over to S and C's just to say hello. Sounds like a plan.
I wonder if it would be appropriate then to pop in and say hello to Sister N too. If I left here at about 4 or 5 pm I could do all of that. Is there a Homebase of DIY place to get some seeds and potatoes for planting. Yep I'll have my own crop soon thanks to my friendly neighbour V. He's my gardener and I'm his chauffeur.
I learnt how the capital I came about - in older olde English apparently we used the word ich, more Germanic it seems. Gradually the ch got dropped, leaving of course i. But then i seemed so little, insignificant in a sentence and thus was capitalised I. Why not capitalise a then? Well apparently it was round enough to be able to be substantial in it's lower case form. Interesting huh, the evolution of language. I was interested by Chief Rabbi Lord Saks' Thought for the Day on Friday and the main literary revolutions ...
One small item of news this week was one of the great signs of our time. The world’s most famous encyclopedia will no longer be published in printed form. It will exist only through the internet. Is this the beginning of the end of the printed word? Will our grandchildren be amazed that people once used newspapers and books? And how are we going to read in the bath?
Truth is that the great changes in the human situation happen when there is a revolution in information technology. There have been three so far. We are living through the fourth. And each had spiritual significance.
The first was the invention of writing: cuneiform in Mesopotamia. This was the birth of civilisation, because writing allows us to accumulate knowledge beyond the limits of unaided human memory.
The second, 38 centuries ago, was the birth of the alphabet, in the form of proto-Semitic, the earliest form of Phoenician and Hebrew writing, discovered by British archaeologist Flinders Petrie in the Sinai desert in 1903. The very word alphabet comes from the first two Hebrew letters, aleph bet, which later became in Greek, alpha beta.
The alphabet encoded all knowledge into less than thirty symbols and created for the first time the prospect of universal literacy and with it universal human dignity. The alphabet made possible the Book of books, the Bible, and Genesis 1’s revolutionary statement that we are all, each of us, in the image of god.
Third was the invention of printing by Gutenberg in Germany in the fifteenth century, which may not have caused the Reformation of Luther and Calvin, but allowed it to spreader wider, faster than any new idea had ever done before, transforming the religious face of Europe.
And now the fourth revolution: instantaneous global communication and the electronic word instead of the printed one. In the long run, by equalising access to knowledge, it will enhance the dignity of the individual. But there’s a long way to go between here and there.
Jews like me love this technology. But we won’t let it stop us remaining the people of the Book. Our sacred text, the Torah, is still written today as it always was, by hand, by quill, on parchment, as an eternal reminder that we must never forget where we came from if we’re to get to where we want to be. If we want to travel safely into the future we must carry with us the wisdom of the past.
Anyway, this is way off track. I left the meeting wanting to eat sugar products. I put this down to ritualisation, as I often would leave the meeting and being conveniently out I would stop at the local late opening Tesco store and buy up lots of flour and sugar products. I would dither in my choices trying not to have too much, wanting to buy the less fattening but at the same time not being able to resist. The idea that I would be able to get home and curl up on the settee with a film and eat. That I did regularly. Then as I was speaking this morning about this I got more clarity. What caused the ritual in the first place aside from the fact I was already out and could buy these foods? Well I talked about the ways in which I realised I was sexualising feelings during the meeting. I feel a discomfort in the meeting.Usually there are more men than women. I also realise that I wonder about different men. By wonder, I question if they are someone I could have a relationship with. And some I think are a little too forward. I am scared of how I can be with men. It's a sort of power thing. And that I realise is a fear of them. Yet also I am so self loathing I don't think for a minute anyone would be interested in ugly me. I flit between feeling very attractive to completely ugly. I have no idea, absolutely no idea whether I am attractive or not. This I believe is dysmorphia. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I am attractive and other times I just think ugh! It's very bizarre. Anyway, the realisation is that I am sexualising fear so automatically I don't even realise I'm doing it. I do it through these mini fantasies. The are momentary but fantasies nonetheless. I am very grateful that I have made the commitment to no engaging with men in any form of intrigue or flirtation for the next year. As my sponsor said this leaves room to develop my relationship with God. If I did start I would be using and that blocks out the opportunity to develop the relationship. The cloak comes over and blots out the view of God, the clarity of thought and mind and the awareness to be honest. It's not a malicious thought, it's addictive and automatic. So to step back leaves breathing space.
I was able to say to my sponsor that I almost feel as if I'm putting a pressure on her to understand the sex and love addiction,l to get it right and understand me. To be able to name the behaviours and attitudes correctly. I wanted to tell her so that I was honest and could step back from that too. I want to be able to say see I told you so, I'm different.
She could take that well though and my honesty enables me to step out of that attitude. I'm no more special and different than anyone else who also uses sex and love to varying degrees. I'm not the worst nor the best, I just do. I don't need to make those kind of comparisons about how bad an addict I am (using that word generically to represent any of the addictive behaviours I can so easily use). The thing is I know I am an addict and I can use anything. What ensues when I'm using is chaos and devastation. I prefer today to be learning just how to deal with situations that were once baffling to me and the only way I knew how to cope was to escape them. Not always entirely, sometimes it would just be using something to take the edge of so that I could stay. But usually I end up, well these days anyway, by hating myself for the way I behaved int he situation and analysing it over and over again what I should have done, what I could have done, what I would have done. As SH says "shoulda, coulda, woulda". Yes all of that is so much easier with abstinence and help by talking things through.
Thank you God that it is not my way today to enter into the situations with men to test out the water, or to eat sugar and flour products or large quantities and restricted quantities. Thank you God that I don't drink alcohol today or take drugs. And thank you God for the fellowship of FA to help me to remain abstinent with all the "tools" there for me to pick up.
If I am vigilant on a daily basis then I can have this one day at a time fr the rest of my life. I have faith that it's there for me and gaining strength that I can turn to it whatever situation I am faced with.
Yesterday I just could not find the energy to start studying. I permitted myself a day of much needed rest. I needed to recoup energy after the draining week of interaction with someone who I am finding difficult. It's remarkable that despite the pressure of my study load I permitted myself the day of rest. I prepared my lunch and went over to AB's to eat and then we went out for a walk. I did my food shopping on the way and bought petrol. I forgot to bank the cheque from my client. Poop. I will try and do that tomorrow on my way home. The cashpoint has a banking letterbox that is accessible.
That will at least contribute to the food and petrol I bought yesterday totalling £80 and even then I had forgotten spinach.
I will eat from the foods I've been storing in the freezer. I do that, I hoard food for just in case situations but it's a cost really. I then buy offers. I have enough food for this week and even slightly beyond apart from the spinach and other fresh salad foods.
So I am pleased for the clarity I am getting. Next I can learn how to be more relaxed interacting with men and remove that fear of me with them. I am very wary of them and it's not surprising as I've had some very harmful experiences. My dad, GW, amongst a number of horrible situations and experiences. Often the horror could occur because of my contribution to the situation, especially not knowing that I could say no, or would know to avoid certain types. Instead I would be grateful for a smile and give myself so completely. I do not want to do that anymore. If some day I do meet someone, which I would like very much, it would be hopefully with me knowing that that person is right for me and he would know that about me too. It would be equal and loving. Someone who is willing to work through issues and difficulties too. Someone who is a stayer to discover what is real or not.
The scenery from my window today is just wonderful. Blue skies and bright light from the sun. Fluffy white clouds that seem utterly still. And greenery starting to show through. The trees are still brown.
Thank you Universe for my abstinence today and for clarity. I have gratitude.
Bliss
xx
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