A person will worship something, have no doubt about that. We may think our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will out. That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'm not so certain at this moment in time how this quote links with friendships. Especially after this past week of difficulty with a friendship I value greatly. I am seeing less of a need to reference individuals these days. I will leave past posts as they are because they show my journey I think. But today there is no need to talk about a specific individual. It is suffice to say that I know this friendship is of great value to me. I have had a week of fluctuating feelings in this friendship. I have fragile and faulted and fazed within this friendship.
Initially I felt blamed and at the end of anger. It seemed that I was being accused and I really don't think it was all my issue. But what I did was to defend myself. Defending against what? Against feeling faulty and damned. And ultimately against the withdrawal of this valued friendship and then the feelings of rejection and abandonment. The fear of fear itself. Because if abandoned this meant I was a bad person, unlikeable, and left bereft of all the things I valued.
The contention started in an email. Well to be honest it started some time ago. I've felt something between us but it kept going unverbalised. I didn't know what to say so ignored it.Most of the time there was no issues on my part so there was nothing to ignore. But I felt something.
I defended myself in an email - here are my words (I won't be publishing my friends words). It's interesting though how through talking this through I've grown and got more clarity and my opinions have altered on some matters.
Well I hear you. You seem frustrated with me and if that's the case it was not my intention. Quite the opposite. I do read your texts and may not always completely absorb all the detail. Also did not think you were silly I just feel pushed away. I know you've felt that by me especially with SL and JH. I'm not proud of that I must say. Everything changes that's for sure. I'm adjusting to differences, our circumstances have altered course and with it the amount of available time. It does not mean my friendship for you is any less. Quite the opposite. Maybe sometimes I don't show it in my actions all the time but I value you as a person and in my life very much indeed. I have felt incredibly close to you and don't like it when there is a whole bundle of other life things between us so it felt sad to me when you raised the matter of changes. What I heard is that it's how you want it to be. And maybe it is. I'm accepting of it as gradually I change around it. It used to be very easy for me to just change direction completely in such circumstances but in the last 10 years I've been more interested in looking after things I value and that means showing up despite my
fear of rejection. So unless you or any other friends I value were to say "go away" I will show up. I recognise differences in the way we all do things and do just carry on being the way I am just working on changing the bits I don't like. And being more nurturing rather than bitter towards myself on my imperfections. That doesn't mean I'm not sorry when my imperfections impact negatively on other people especially those I really care about. I may have read too harshly into your text. It seems as if you're pretty upset with me. If you are I'm sorry. Your texts and emails mean a lot to me. Sometimes I'm hectic and don't read them fully that's true. I tend to tell you if I haven't had a chance to read them though. Just to try and communicate genuinely. M you matter and as my friend I don't like to think of you feeling depressed or in any sort of pain emotional or otherwise. So really I'm just wanting to show I care and be supportive. If my way of doing that isn't right for you let me know. I'll continue being me otherwise and that can be clumsy and awkward sometimes. Hopefully you can forgive me that as I learn along the way.
Hmmm overall I am OK. Able to enjoy the weekend separating myself from my stress with the work environment. I am very contemplative of every detail of interactions and thoughts. Sort of super aware. I like it but also aware that it's needs balancing. I recognise how it escalates and can be destructive. And yet I really like the sense if being alert and conscious. Also writing writing writing. Reading reading reading, arting arting arting ( I know that's not a verb but it just seems to fit :0 )
S'ton emailed saying they are doing some number crunching so will get back to me - its not a no. Suddenly it's quite scary. Interesting how the idea of ending a job and starting another is more and more challenging whereas in previous times it was just what I did. I know underneath there was terrible fear ( in hindsight) but just did it anyway using external props of course.
Do you mind my emails and texts? Wasn't sure if your comment meant anything more. I am concerned for you - you are my friend and just would like to keep the contact if that's OK. And to know if there's anything I can do? Just want you to know I'm a friend out here who cares despite all my own shit and good stuff going on. Sending a hug and live and hoping any depression or darkness lifts or has lifted
An email response was received
Hello
Yes I've received and read it. All sorts of emotions rose and fell as I read it. Sometimes feeling indignant, sometimes sad, sometimes smiling affectionately and sometimes confused. And other feelings too already forgotten or not knowing the word labels for them. And also very thankful for your honest thoughts.
One thing I would really lie to convey is that I have never, ever been friendly or acted out of a sense of duty. You truly are my friend. You are one of my best friends if not my best friend. When I'm with you it's so easy. You inspire me and I love laughing with you. I think we've had some interesting and fun adventures of varying degrees and I think we've been through a lot together - your life, my life and joint lives. I would always want to support you in what you want to do and not impose me on that.
Over the years it is increasingly obvious that there is no one to blame in any shifting dynamics between two or more people. Each person brings themselves to the relationship and each person therefore has an impact on others. Not rocket science I know.
Yuch yes I have spent many occasions in the past bad-mouthing someone or casting aspersions which of course is all about making myself feel better. It's an ugly trait and something I continuously work on. Usually after some time I see through the situation and get to the point where I can take ownership. K is one of those situations. When she needed people most people were finding it the hardest time to support her. And yet lots of her friends kept showing up despite their difficulties. Barely knowing her I was surprised at how friendly and open she was with me and in hindsight very honoured. Another person has been Sam. I was very hurt by S on more than one occasion and wrongly or rightly need someone to share that with. I believe that it is important to be able to sound off with a trust that I will gradually work through any issues I have with people. I would be very cautious who I speak to about any interactions and attempt more often to be honest with the person directly. Sometimes I need some cooling off time to get to that point and some brainstorming is necessary. As I am growing I am less likely to cast aspersions even with someone like my dad. I have been blaming of L at work but at the same time I see a good person and can acknowledge that too. i am less likely to blame her now and own that I find her way is crazy-making for me. I try more and more to understand that there is no right or wrong. However, people's behaviours do have impacts on me.
Thank goodness I can make amends as well. And I try to implement these by firstly making changes in the way I am - behaviour, attitude, thinking, beliefs. Only then am in a position to say that I'm sorry and that's because I really mean it.
Some people though it's possible to turn up for less often. And this is an area still where I'm confused. It is my desire to be able to be friendly with everyone I encounter in life. To be able to work through my issues with them. Sometimes it is vindicating to know that it is not just me because all too readily I turn to my default of self-hatred and think I am the problem.
Instead it is important to know that each person plays their part. I do think though there are those people with a mal-intent. And is it better to avoid them completely? I am not sure. So long as I keep my faith and strength I think it is possible to find a way through any interaction and be loving and caring.
I appreciate your honesty. It is only with this that there is any chance to work through things.
Right now LouLou is really desperate for the outdoors and doing smelly farts. So I will continue when I return.
An email was received
OK Home again. And LouLou's fed and watered. And my dinner eaten too.
Just had a call with my dad. Unsurprisingly hurtful. And yet again I forgot to prepare myself. Phew it's all too easy to take it personally. He is the way he is and I can find it very difficult and hurtful. It's a wonder I haven't learnt not to be so sensitive around him but the only way I have been able to do that of course is to desensitise and that's been damaging too. So Right now I feel hurt and sad and let down. It hurts in my heart. It will pass just as it did after meeting him a couple of Saturdays ago. I really forget to call out to prepare myself each time. It's amazing to have such a short memory. I can sit and calm now and writing helps. All sorts of ways to find the grace and serenity again. He is a strange fellow in many ways. Apparently there is something medically wrong. He told me that but then refused to say anymore saying that it's private and he wouldn't be telling me how he gets on tomorrow at the hospital either. It's frightening for me. I am afraid of his death. And grief stricken for the years of nasty distance between us. I am reminding myself that it's OK to be hurt and sad and heart-broken. It is part of allowing myself to be who I am.
As far as I'm concerned the friendship I have with you is really important. You matter to me and whenever I call/text/email or ask how you are it's because I mean it. Nothing I do is ever meant to cause you anger upset or hurt. I do make mistakes. I accept that for you the friendship has been changing. You are family to me. As I've always said my home is your home and that has never changed. I encounter other people in my life sure as I go along the journey but that never undermines that you are a top importance to me. Did I really say I don't do best friends? I don't recall. I think it's difficult to have one best friend. I have a number of friends that I would call best friends and each of you has wonderful qualities bringing different things to me. You always inspire me. I am constantly amazed by what you achieve and you bring newness to me too. I remember learning that SH could not be everything to me and not wanting suddenly to be everything to him. I was overjoyed that he could have different friends and I was learning how to support his choices. This was a big step for me. Perhaps I don't always show just how much you mean to be and I'll be more mindful. I've not ever been very good at knowing how to manage invites from others and how to include everyone. It seems I tend to think very much singularly. A thought just came to me on that matter wondering if that's anything to do with being a single child?? Maybe, difficult to know.
As for saying we hope we didn't take you for granted. Again I don;t recall saying those words. What I do recall is that I always have had a sort of open house policy for you. No one else has ever had that. And I think you have suggested to me in the past that it would be nice to be invited. This is a difference i us as the invitation is a permanent one - whether for lunch dinner or staying for as long as you need. Sometimes I'm busy of course so it's not possible. I haven't been good at practising that differently. I sort of think if I'm doing something and you'd like to come then you would be able to ask me. It's not anything hidden in that purely genuine. Yesterday I mentioned to an FA person I was going to gallery after the meeting - I was amazed that someone would want to come out with me but chuffed when they asked if they could join me. It's sort of the same with you - I never imagine you'd want to spend time with me doing the things that I do but if you do want to I'm absolutely delighted. I love being in your company.
For me the circumstances may have altered because of our mutually busier lives. But also the depth of my friendship for you and like and love have not altered. I think great friendship cuts across time and distance and differences. I think you are saying a similar thing. Friendships evolve and trust develops. I have felt more and more comfortable that whatever you are doing and wherever you are or whatever you are doing that we you will be my friend. I hope it will feel like that for you too.
I have fantastic examples of that too with R and L and many other friends from the past who have come back into my life.
I recently have enjoyed re engaging with K. All these years of differences have just fallen away. There are enormous differences in our values and similarities in other areas. Of great value is knowing each other from the age of 11 and having many shared experiences. It easy to find ways through situations when two people care and matter. So I am changing my behaviour as a show of my sincerity and making amends. I know that I have been remiss with her.
I have been a very unwell person in my mental illness for a very long time and know without doubt I have done a lot of things that will have hurt people. This includes my dad too. Despite all the difficulties I have with him I am not at all proud of the ways in which I've behaved. More and more as I awaken from the depths of everything I see more and more. Everyone has their part to play and I'm learning to be acceptant and understanding without any grievance or grudge and that includes against myself too.
So, I have taken on board as much as I can from what you've said. I'm bound to make mistakes and over-relate or not fully comprehend all of your messages. Sure you'll make mistakes too and I am sure to get upset or angry at times but I think I know you well enough to know that it'll pass by and can be at ease.
In terms of the request for feedback. I have no recollection of any expectation. Unlike you I don't have a memory like an elephant and sure do remember things with a lot of stuff in between. At the same time any opinions shared are bound to evoke thoughts and feelings as well.
I have no residual hard feelings. I am not harbouring any resentments at all.
I recall you commenting on me less available at the time I was ensconced in SL and JH. Maybe I've over remembered that. It was helpful actually. Even though not immediately. What I'd like is to be consistently me within all my friendships even though me is changing and growing hopefully. It hurts to think that you think you are only a convenience to me. There have been times recently when I purposefully didn't call as you had said you had your head in books. There were times when I was pacing the floorboards wanting to call but thinking you had said you were so busy and stressed. I think sometimes I am afraid of upsetting you and perhaps I should stop over thinking that.
I learnt how upset I was that I' hurt you by being less available. And even more concerned that having brought it to my attention at the time there are other situations that were worse experiences for you.
It sounds as if I've hurt you so much. And that really pains me in my heart to know. I cannot make you trust me or know that my friendship really is very deep. Obviously my actions do not convey that to you. I don't really know how to be different. This is me. I am genuine but only I know that.
I am who I am faults and all. And I guess it's just two people with our different backgrounds having different interpretations on things. I don;t see me as right or wrong or vice versa. By this it does not mean I abscond from responsibility or how you feel as a result of my ways mistakes or not.
As for my friendship with A. It does somehow feel awkward. I've known Abigail some years and feel very honoured that she and her mum include me in their family. I am slowly getting to know R. It's odd though as she has been a client and her good friend was a client. She is my friends sister and I've never really known how to deal with the whole sibling relationship situation. So to date R is someone I am friendly with but I don't consider someone I sit and talk things through or share my life experiences with. Sometimes she is there but mainly I listen to her.
And as for people I meet in FA and AA these days I am practising being more discerning. I have a number of best friends - friendship does require effort. And there is little room for developing effort to the extent of pursuing anything deep with people. I'm sure as time goes on there will be one or two people who will become more friends than fellows. I do not make any distinction apart from right at this moment there are lots of people I am friendly with but not friends and like yesterday would even do something outside of the FA room with if the occasion arose spontaneously like that. Going up to the meeting I often travel with someone who gets on the train at Guildford. This is all new for me. Learning discernment and timeliness instead of gushing. And there have been disastrous effects by getting overly involved simply or the common denominator of being in the same fellowship. Equally some really wonderful friendships have developed from adverse situation R and A are two as we were all in the crazy world of R P. However I was gushingly friendly with many others but none of those supposed friendships stuck.
You and I met through being introduced and this is another way contacts occur and evolve. Not every introduction has developed into a friendship like I have with you.
I like meeting people and I love seeing people together. As I am feeling better about myself it is somewhat easier to be amongst people although my thinking and self-hatred is the final frontier to stand between me and being at ease amongst people. However I am at ease with you and with some others too - for this I am truly grateful. It's an environment where I can just be without trying so hard. The problem is with the guard down I am bound to get it wrong.
I am writing this just revealing thoughts that are occurring to me. I am sure my opinions can be changed with different input from you. Already I have different views on things as a result of reading what you've written.
I think you may have misinterpreted me when I say easy to be around. I'm sorry it felt like a kick in the teeth. I'm not clear what you think I meant. What I mean is that with you I can be myself more easily. I can meander along chatting or find interest in what you are doing or saying. I can be how I feel a lot of the time when I'm aware what that is. Sometimes I'm a little cautious as I can get scared of upsetting you. That's my issue not yours. And so it's important to clarify any misunderstandings. It may not be how it at first appears. I mean that both ways not uni-directional.
I'm just flicking through your email again now and picking out things that you've aid that may not have been clarified on my part.
I've probably missed some things. I'm feeling quite sad now but also happy that you to value the friendship. Yes being in any kind of relationship brings it's difficulties I guess but the positive always outweigh the difficulties and makes it worth working through.
Thank you for your honesty. If ever you think I'm over-relating please tell me at that point if you can. IS it best to just quietly listen. In my job I can listen and at times interject. As just me in a personal relationship I still don;t really know how to respond to someones intense emotions. I know how I feel as I listen. What do you do to show that you acknowledge peoples feelings?
Keep the communication channels open. I appreciate it.
Oh I see an email has come in - byeeeeeeee
And I'd like you to know that I love you very much indeed.
xx
No I certainly didn't take it as a criticism. Rather I am very aware of my ability to sound off in some situations.
And thank goodness for differences - it would be rather boring if we were the same - so middle class according to Grayson Perry's findings. My interpretation not what he said. Not that I don;t think I can be middle class in ideals but in reality I am working class. I'm so bloody mixed up I have no idea who or what I am really. I am me. And that's all I need to be concerned about really.
And I really think that it is through good friendships who stick around despite all the shit that there can be learning about self. So thanks for sticking around despite all the shit and the sorrow and the fun and the laughter and the newness and the pain and hurt and the joy and the peace and calm and the past we have together and hopefully more past to be developed as we trundle off into the future.
I do know you care - as you say if it didn't matter it wouldn't hurt and if it didn't hurt we'd have parted company long ago.
You've been in my life through some really troublesome times. You've been a really good friend to me - lent me money, housed me when I really was crazy, listened and listened and listened to my endless ramblings. I think there is an element of "high" in some of those times. You've had to hear my suicidal blackness. You've had to witness my anger and my terror at times too.
You know more about me truly than anyone else in the entire universe. God poor you.
Thank you for being my friend
XXX
ps I keep receiving calls from I. Do you remember he was the therapist who there was a lot of trouble with. Due to the confidentiality I was obliged not to say anything. Police were involved. It was a very horrible time. It is now a couple of years and I've encountered him since - he was doing well at that time. I'm hoping these silent calls are an error on his part- sitting on the call button or something. But I got a blank text as well. With my slight int of paranoia right now it's a little worrying. Anyway it seems to have stopped in the last 20 minutes. It's been going on since about 6:20. I answered the first call and we have a conversation. That seemed genuine although I was slightly concerned. Since then there's been an endless stream of calls with no sound and one text that was blank. I started answering it and putting it on mute and each time it was cut off eventually then called back again. Weird shit goes down from time to time.
Another email received
Give you more credit? Oh my comments are in no way making a statement about what you think or don't think. They are merely my thoughts on this matter of friendship. I am not making any criticism of you merely meandering around my thoughts.
It is not an email to say you re thinking any way in particular. Just picking up on things you've said and how my thoughts ebb and flow. Experiences I've had and how your friendship matters etc etc.
I hear how you tell me you are not pushing me away. I accept that. I acknowledge that things have changed but for me the depth of my friendship has not changed. I do acknowledge exactly what you say but that doesn't mean I think or feel the same way. We have different views of things and I am not saying you are right or wrong or that I am right or wrong.
I am not making a statement about you, simply putting my thoughts forward which may not agree with yours.
How can I hear you in the way you want me to hear you.
I accept that things have changed - circumstances have yes I know that they have. That means that the way in which we interact changes. But from my point of view the depth of my friendship for you hasn't altered.
Its a different thing in my book. But that doesn't mean that I don't acknowledge what you are saying.
Prior to our lives getting more hectic I think we both had more time to be able to meet up more regularly, even talk on the phone more regularly. It's little to do with A to be honest. She has her way of living. She very kindly looks after LouLou every day. And I collect LouLou every evening. We chit chat and often walk too. It's simply a different type of connection with Abigail at this time. When I first got into recovery I had to let go of our friendship for a time. She would not believe that I was an alcoholic. She has fought against the FA stuff too but I know and can stand firm as I feel the freedom. This time I am better placed to continue to be in the friendship. I am learning and growing.
When I was with SH I would get into such trouble with him because I would spend time with friends. It would cause terrible arguments but I always battled because my friendship and commitment to my friendships mattered. He never did get over it. It was another of his reasons for wanting to split up. He could not accept that I had friends and they mattered. I was not prepared to give up on my friends. He would complain that I spoke to my friends on the phone. It was a horrible time. I on the other hand was delighted to be able to support him spending time with his friends - he took this mean that I didn't care. it was quite the opposite. I was at one time very jealous of his female friends - I worked so hard on my insecurity to be able to let go and allow him his choices. And to show trust.
I'm not awkward with A herself. There's an awkwardness about your thoughts on my friendship with A. I'm not really sure what it is. It seems to be a point of comparison or something but I'm really not sure. I will try and get some clarity when I can and try to let you know when I know.
Scared - well like I said my fears are my issues. I can't think of any specific examples right now because I'm so tired
In fact I'm so tired I think it would be sensible to go to sleep now.
Will you meet your mother? I know it's so difficult for you at times.
Not sure what to say about missing your father. It's painful I know.
Take good care of yourself especially with these strong feelings related to your parents.
Sending you my love - that's very real
Another brief email saying she wished she hadn't started all of this (can't say I blame her) was received
OK - I'm taking in what you've written.
On reflection perhaps me sharing my thoughts and feelings is an example of relating which then appears as if I'm not taking notice of what you're saying.
I will re-read your emails and take notice of your thoughts and feelings without my own getting in the way.
It may be necessary for me to clarify what I've understood when I see you.
I'm looking forward to seeing you Wed/Thurs.
As you have a key please feel free to arrive whenever suits you. Perhaps your opportunity to have a peaceful bath?
And then a long email
Hello. Yes I read your email whilst eating my lunch.
L on hols and S off sick so work alone again.
It's hectic. Pleased that I can graciously accept this. I was fed up about it this morning but simply getting on with all that I can do. Realise how much I dislike having to let things go. A sense of letting people down and I should be able to do it all. But then I just get huffy and resentful.
Just got an hour now before another group and then a family session after work hours. Thankfully getting paid for it so it makes it easier to take on. A consequence of not recruiting and then colleagues over stretched now ill.
It's good to be able to be flexible and agreeable and humble in my behaviour and gracious in my attitude.
It's only when I get myself embroiled in my resentments that it all goes tits up!!!! I suppose I expect someone to be grateful but even that I can let go of by acknowledging it.
Anyway all this aside and the situation with my dad - I'm glad you have not buried any of your thoughts just because there are things happening in my life. There are rarely times when something isn't occurring for each of us.
I'm grateful for your openness and honesty. It gives me a lot to think on. And it's interesting hearing your ideas on my behaviour patterns. Thank you.
I read with a determined focus on understanding how things have been for you. So hopefully I have better taken that on board. Rather than wanting to express myself. Glad you persevere with me.
Hopefully we'll get some chat time on Thursday.
Can you send me details please of the venue and times so that I can work out getting there and parking and so on.
Right. Back to work. Hopefully we'll speak before Wed or Thurs. and wait to hear whether you'll overnight or meet en route or at the venue.
And then an email with some really nice comments ...
Thank you for your text.
I am taking time to really absorb everything that you've said.
I love all the adventures we've had. I am always thrilled by the things we plan and do. It's a lot of fun.
I often think back over places, events, people etc sometimes chuckling. I regularly have watery eye chuckles at the day of laughter over Skype even though I can't remember specifically what it was about. My sides hurt and I love those shared nutty moments and memories between us. Not to mention the hours of talking things over and under, probably far too much analysis at times on my part, and all a part of my journey, with your involvement, towards enlightenment. All of these things are really meaningful to me.
So you may or may not get the general gist by reading just my thoughts and opinions. Interestingly a friend said that she saw me defending myself throughout and no certainty about myself at all. It was as a result of this conversation combined with another FA call that I came to realise that my depth of friendship and my loyalty to the friendship is strong. I am a loyal friend but I am full of defects. Which means that I make mistakes but never with the intention of causing harm. In further discussions including this point it became apparent that this might have been perceived as an excuse linked with perceptions of family members in her past using similar statements. I was very clear that it is no way an excuse not to make changes and to ignore the impact of of my mistakes and how my friend was feeling. I have reiterated that I value the communications because that's the only way I can learn how I impact on other people - even though at times it's difficult to hear. Once again I have learnt the importance to listen and observe. There isn't always a need to say anything. I can ask questions as a way of acknowledging what I've heard or by summarising to make sure that's a correct understanding. Counselling techniques are really just effective ways of communicating in general relationships too. It was said that I do not share my own feelings about being on the receiving end of her. I said that I have been sharing my thoughts and feelings throughout and she said perhaps she is not recognising them clearly. So again I can try to be more open and honest. It's interesting how closed I come across to her. I wish to open that up and ensure that it is a two-way friendship. It is ever evolving that's for sure.
Through the week we have talked more and more and I think I have listened better. I hope so at least.
I noticed when she said she feels jealous of my interactions with others I felt afraid that she would punish by withdrawing. My fear of having other friends then becomes silence. I think she was recognising her behaviour in that herself without me needing to verbalise my fear. She said that in a childish way her jealousy becomes her not giving of herself either to avoid being hurt. So together we have covered a lot of ground and together we have a lot of growing up in the friendship to do. I think she will feel glad that she has raised the issues and there is a humility I can choose to hold on to that I hadn't needed to but there is the ego in me the pride that says why didn't I raise things first. Well to this point I haven't known what it was or what to say. So it's OK.
God help me to be wise within this friendship and to be open and honest with discretion, compassion and love. There is peace and fun to be had together. I want to show how much I value my friends in my actions. Thank you God for bringing this to me and for now showing me how to grow as a good friend.
Oh and the link with the quote. I recognise I can worship the idea of friendship for selfish reasons. For the reason of the fear of being alone and without and lacking in fun and inspiration. Yet this has never ever been the case. When I worship friendship rather than the person I cannot be wholesome and this is something I wish to move away from, so help me God. With God's grace I am learning and growing and becoming a better friend, Thank You God.
So yes I see that my determination to keep the friendship determines how I can be manipulative and secretive and fundamentally very self-centred. I wish to change, it's ugly. What I sow I reap as another quote says. And I become what I worship - in this case and idea only, not something at all real.
Value rather than worship. Value the person not the want.
Bliss
XX
I'm not so certain at this moment in time how this quote links with friendships. Especially after this past week of difficulty with a friendship I value greatly. I am seeing less of a need to reference individuals these days. I will leave past posts as they are because they show my journey I think. But today there is no need to talk about a specific individual. It is suffice to say that I know this friendship is of great value to me. I have had a week of fluctuating feelings in this friendship. I have fragile and faulted and fazed within this friendship.
Initially I felt blamed and at the end of anger. It seemed that I was being accused and I really don't think it was all my issue. But what I did was to defend myself. Defending against what? Against feeling faulty and damned. And ultimately against the withdrawal of this valued friendship and then the feelings of rejection and abandonment. The fear of fear itself. Because if abandoned this meant I was a bad person, unlikeable, and left bereft of all the things I valued.
The contention started in an email. Well to be honest it started some time ago. I've felt something between us but it kept going unverbalised. I didn't know what to say so ignored it.Most of the time there was no issues on my part so there was nothing to ignore. But I felt something.
I defended myself in an email - here are my words (I won't be publishing my friends words). It's interesting though how through talking this through I've grown and got more clarity and my opinions have altered on some matters.
Well I hear you. You seem frustrated with me and if that's the case it was not my intention. Quite the opposite. I do read your texts and may not always completely absorb all the detail. Also did not think you were silly I just feel pushed away. I know you've felt that by me especially with SL and JH. I'm not proud of that I must say. Everything changes that's for sure. I'm adjusting to differences, our circumstances have altered course and with it the amount of available time. It does not mean my friendship for you is any less. Quite the opposite. Maybe sometimes I don't show it in my actions all the time but I value you as a person and in my life very much indeed. I have felt incredibly close to you and don't like it when there is a whole bundle of other life things between us so it felt sad to me when you raised the matter of changes. What I heard is that it's how you want it to be. And maybe it is. I'm accepting of it as gradually I change around it. It used to be very easy for me to just change direction completely in such circumstances but in the last 10 years I've been more interested in looking after things I value and that means showing up despite my
fear of rejection. So unless you or any other friends I value were to say "go away" I will show up. I recognise differences in the way we all do things and do just carry on being the way I am just working on changing the bits I don't like. And being more nurturing rather than bitter towards myself on my imperfections. That doesn't mean I'm not sorry when my imperfections impact negatively on other people especially those I really care about. I may have read too harshly into your text. It seems as if you're pretty upset with me. If you are I'm sorry. Your texts and emails mean a lot to me. Sometimes I'm hectic and don't read them fully that's true. I tend to tell you if I haven't had a chance to read them though. Just to try and communicate genuinely. M you matter and as my friend I don't like to think of you feeling depressed or in any sort of pain emotional or otherwise. So really I'm just wanting to show I care and be supportive. If my way of doing that isn't right for you let me know. I'll continue being me otherwise and that can be clumsy and awkward sometimes. Hopefully you can forgive me that as I learn along the way.
Hmmm overall I am OK. Able to enjoy the weekend separating myself from my stress with the work environment. I am very contemplative of every detail of interactions and thoughts. Sort of super aware. I like it but also aware that it's needs balancing. I recognise how it escalates and can be destructive. And yet I really like the sense if being alert and conscious. Also writing writing writing. Reading reading reading, arting arting arting ( I know that's not a verb but it just seems to fit :0 )
S'ton emailed saying they are doing some number crunching so will get back to me - its not a no. Suddenly it's quite scary. Interesting how the idea of ending a job and starting another is more and more challenging whereas in previous times it was just what I did. I know underneath there was terrible fear ( in hindsight) but just did it anyway using external props of course.
Do you mind my emails and texts? Wasn't sure if your comment meant anything more. I am concerned for you - you are my friend and just would like to keep the contact if that's OK. And to know if there's anything I can do? Just want you to know I'm a friend out here who cares despite all my own shit and good stuff going on. Sending a hug and live and hoping any depression or darkness lifts or has lifted
An email response was received
Hello
Yes I've received and read it. All sorts of emotions rose and fell as I read it. Sometimes feeling indignant, sometimes sad, sometimes smiling affectionately and sometimes confused. And other feelings too already forgotten or not knowing the word labels for them. And also very thankful for your honest thoughts.
One thing I would really lie to convey is that I have never, ever been friendly or acted out of a sense of duty. You truly are my friend. You are one of my best friends if not my best friend. When I'm with you it's so easy. You inspire me and I love laughing with you. I think we've had some interesting and fun adventures of varying degrees and I think we've been through a lot together - your life, my life and joint lives. I would always want to support you in what you want to do and not impose me on that.
Over the years it is increasingly obvious that there is no one to blame in any shifting dynamics between two or more people. Each person brings themselves to the relationship and each person therefore has an impact on others. Not rocket science I know.
Yuch yes I have spent many occasions in the past bad-mouthing someone or casting aspersions which of course is all about making myself feel better. It's an ugly trait and something I continuously work on. Usually after some time I see through the situation and get to the point where I can take ownership. K is one of those situations. When she needed people most people were finding it the hardest time to support her. And yet lots of her friends kept showing up despite their difficulties. Barely knowing her I was surprised at how friendly and open she was with me and in hindsight very honoured. Another person has been Sam. I was very hurt by S on more than one occasion and wrongly or rightly need someone to share that with. I believe that it is important to be able to sound off with a trust that I will gradually work through any issues I have with people. I would be very cautious who I speak to about any interactions and attempt more often to be honest with the person directly. Sometimes I need some cooling off time to get to that point and some brainstorming is necessary. As I am growing I am less likely to cast aspersions even with someone like my dad. I have been blaming of L at work but at the same time I see a good person and can acknowledge that too. i am less likely to blame her now and own that I find her way is crazy-making for me. I try more and more to understand that there is no right or wrong. However, people's behaviours do have impacts on me.
Thank goodness I can make amends as well. And I try to implement these by firstly making changes in the way I am - behaviour, attitude, thinking, beliefs. Only then am in a position to say that I'm sorry and that's because I really mean it.
Some people though it's possible to turn up for less often. And this is an area still where I'm confused. It is my desire to be able to be friendly with everyone I encounter in life. To be able to work through my issues with them. Sometimes it is vindicating to know that it is not just me because all too readily I turn to my default of self-hatred and think I am the problem.
Instead it is important to know that each person plays their part. I do think though there are those people with a mal-intent. And is it better to avoid them completely? I am not sure. So long as I keep my faith and strength I think it is possible to find a way through any interaction and be loving and caring.
I appreciate your honesty. It is only with this that there is any chance to work through things.
Right now LouLou is really desperate for the outdoors and doing smelly farts. So I will continue when I return.
An email was received
OK Home again. And LouLou's fed and watered. And my dinner eaten too.
Just had a call with my dad. Unsurprisingly hurtful. And yet again I forgot to prepare myself. Phew it's all too easy to take it personally. He is the way he is and I can find it very difficult and hurtful. It's a wonder I haven't learnt not to be so sensitive around him but the only way I have been able to do that of course is to desensitise and that's been damaging too. So Right now I feel hurt and sad and let down. It hurts in my heart. It will pass just as it did after meeting him a couple of Saturdays ago. I really forget to call out to prepare myself each time. It's amazing to have such a short memory. I can sit and calm now and writing helps. All sorts of ways to find the grace and serenity again. He is a strange fellow in many ways. Apparently there is something medically wrong. He told me that but then refused to say anymore saying that it's private and he wouldn't be telling me how he gets on tomorrow at the hospital either. It's frightening for me. I am afraid of his death. And grief stricken for the years of nasty distance between us. I am reminding myself that it's OK to be hurt and sad and heart-broken. It is part of allowing myself to be who I am.
As far as I'm concerned the friendship I have with you is really important. You matter to me and whenever I call/text/email or ask how you are it's because I mean it. Nothing I do is ever meant to cause you anger upset or hurt. I do make mistakes. I accept that for you the friendship has been changing. You are family to me. As I've always said my home is your home and that has never changed. I encounter other people in my life sure as I go along the journey but that never undermines that you are a top importance to me. Did I really say I don't do best friends? I don't recall. I think it's difficult to have one best friend. I have a number of friends that I would call best friends and each of you has wonderful qualities bringing different things to me. You always inspire me. I am constantly amazed by what you achieve and you bring newness to me too. I remember learning that SH could not be everything to me and not wanting suddenly to be everything to him. I was overjoyed that he could have different friends and I was learning how to support his choices. This was a big step for me. Perhaps I don't always show just how much you mean to be and I'll be more mindful. I've not ever been very good at knowing how to manage invites from others and how to include everyone. It seems I tend to think very much singularly. A thought just came to me on that matter wondering if that's anything to do with being a single child?? Maybe, difficult to know.
As for saying we hope we didn't take you for granted. Again I don;t recall saying those words. What I do recall is that I always have had a sort of open house policy for you. No one else has ever had that. And I think you have suggested to me in the past that it would be nice to be invited. This is a difference i us as the invitation is a permanent one - whether for lunch dinner or staying for as long as you need. Sometimes I'm busy of course so it's not possible. I haven't been good at practising that differently. I sort of think if I'm doing something and you'd like to come then you would be able to ask me. It's not anything hidden in that purely genuine. Yesterday I mentioned to an FA person I was going to gallery after the meeting - I was amazed that someone would want to come out with me but chuffed when they asked if they could join me. It's sort of the same with you - I never imagine you'd want to spend time with me doing the things that I do but if you do want to I'm absolutely delighted. I love being in your company.
For me the circumstances may have altered because of our mutually busier lives. But also the depth of my friendship for you and like and love have not altered. I think great friendship cuts across time and distance and differences. I think you are saying a similar thing. Friendships evolve and trust develops. I have felt more and more comfortable that whatever you are doing and wherever you are or whatever you are doing that we you will be my friend. I hope it will feel like that for you too.
I have fantastic examples of that too with R and L and many other friends from the past who have come back into my life.
I recently have enjoyed re engaging with K. All these years of differences have just fallen away. There are enormous differences in our values and similarities in other areas. Of great value is knowing each other from the age of 11 and having many shared experiences. It easy to find ways through situations when two people care and matter. So I am changing my behaviour as a show of my sincerity and making amends. I know that I have been remiss with her.
I have been a very unwell person in my mental illness for a very long time and know without doubt I have done a lot of things that will have hurt people. This includes my dad too. Despite all the difficulties I have with him I am not at all proud of the ways in which I've behaved. More and more as I awaken from the depths of everything I see more and more. Everyone has their part to play and I'm learning to be acceptant and understanding without any grievance or grudge and that includes against myself too.
So, I have taken on board as much as I can from what you've said. I'm bound to make mistakes and over-relate or not fully comprehend all of your messages. Sure you'll make mistakes too and I am sure to get upset or angry at times but I think I know you well enough to know that it'll pass by and can be at ease.
In terms of the request for feedback. I have no recollection of any expectation. Unlike you I don't have a memory like an elephant and sure do remember things with a lot of stuff in between. At the same time any opinions shared are bound to evoke thoughts and feelings as well.
I have no residual hard feelings. I am not harbouring any resentments at all.
I recall you commenting on me less available at the time I was ensconced in SL and JH. Maybe I've over remembered that. It was helpful actually. Even though not immediately. What I'd like is to be consistently me within all my friendships even though me is changing and growing hopefully. It hurts to think that you think you are only a convenience to me. There have been times recently when I purposefully didn't call as you had said you had your head in books. There were times when I was pacing the floorboards wanting to call but thinking you had said you were so busy and stressed. I think sometimes I am afraid of upsetting you and perhaps I should stop over thinking that.
I learnt how upset I was that I' hurt you by being less available. And even more concerned that having brought it to my attention at the time there are other situations that were worse experiences for you.
It sounds as if I've hurt you so much. And that really pains me in my heart to know. I cannot make you trust me or know that my friendship really is very deep. Obviously my actions do not convey that to you. I don't really know how to be different. This is me. I am genuine but only I know that.
I am who I am faults and all. And I guess it's just two people with our different backgrounds having different interpretations on things. I don;t see me as right or wrong or vice versa. By this it does not mean I abscond from responsibility or how you feel as a result of my ways mistakes or not.
As for my friendship with A. It does somehow feel awkward. I've known Abigail some years and feel very honoured that she and her mum include me in their family. I am slowly getting to know R. It's odd though as she has been a client and her good friend was a client. She is my friends sister and I've never really known how to deal with the whole sibling relationship situation. So to date R is someone I am friendly with but I don't consider someone I sit and talk things through or share my life experiences with. Sometimes she is there but mainly I listen to her.
And as for people I meet in FA and AA these days I am practising being more discerning. I have a number of best friends - friendship does require effort. And there is little room for developing effort to the extent of pursuing anything deep with people. I'm sure as time goes on there will be one or two people who will become more friends than fellows. I do not make any distinction apart from right at this moment there are lots of people I am friendly with but not friends and like yesterday would even do something outside of the FA room with if the occasion arose spontaneously like that. Going up to the meeting I often travel with someone who gets on the train at Guildford. This is all new for me. Learning discernment and timeliness instead of gushing. And there have been disastrous effects by getting overly involved simply or the common denominator of being in the same fellowship. Equally some really wonderful friendships have developed from adverse situation R and A are two as we were all in the crazy world of R P. However I was gushingly friendly with many others but none of those supposed friendships stuck.
You and I met through being introduced and this is another way contacts occur and evolve. Not every introduction has developed into a friendship like I have with you.
I like meeting people and I love seeing people together. As I am feeling better about myself it is somewhat easier to be amongst people although my thinking and self-hatred is the final frontier to stand between me and being at ease amongst people. However I am at ease with you and with some others too - for this I am truly grateful. It's an environment where I can just be without trying so hard. The problem is with the guard down I am bound to get it wrong.
I am writing this just revealing thoughts that are occurring to me. I am sure my opinions can be changed with different input from you. Already I have different views on things as a result of reading what you've written.
I think you may have misinterpreted me when I say easy to be around. I'm sorry it felt like a kick in the teeth. I'm not clear what you think I meant. What I mean is that with you I can be myself more easily. I can meander along chatting or find interest in what you are doing or saying. I can be how I feel a lot of the time when I'm aware what that is. Sometimes I'm a little cautious as I can get scared of upsetting you. That's my issue not yours. And so it's important to clarify any misunderstandings. It may not be how it at first appears. I mean that both ways not uni-directional.
I'm just flicking through your email again now and picking out things that you've aid that may not have been clarified on my part.
I've probably missed some things. I'm feeling quite sad now but also happy that you to value the friendship. Yes being in any kind of relationship brings it's difficulties I guess but the positive always outweigh the difficulties and makes it worth working through.
Thank you for your honesty. If ever you think I'm over-relating please tell me at that point if you can. IS it best to just quietly listen. In my job I can listen and at times interject. As just me in a personal relationship I still don;t really know how to respond to someones intense emotions. I know how I feel as I listen. What do you do to show that you acknowledge peoples feelings?
Keep the communication channels open. I appreciate it.
Oh I see an email has come in - byeeeeeeee
And I'd like you to know that I love you very much indeed.
xx
No I certainly didn't take it as a criticism. Rather I am very aware of my ability to sound off in some situations.
And thank goodness for differences - it would be rather boring if we were the same - so middle class according to Grayson Perry's findings. My interpretation not what he said. Not that I don;t think I can be middle class in ideals but in reality I am working class. I'm so bloody mixed up I have no idea who or what I am really. I am me. And that's all I need to be concerned about really.
And I really think that it is through good friendships who stick around despite all the shit that there can be learning about self. So thanks for sticking around despite all the shit and the sorrow and the fun and the laughter and the newness and the pain and hurt and the joy and the peace and calm and the past we have together and hopefully more past to be developed as we trundle off into the future.
I do know you care - as you say if it didn't matter it wouldn't hurt and if it didn't hurt we'd have parted company long ago.
You've been in my life through some really troublesome times. You've been a really good friend to me - lent me money, housed me when I really was crazy, listened and listened and listened to my endless ramblings. I think there is an element of "high" in some of those times. You've had to hear my suicidal blackness. You've had to witness my anger and my terror at times too.
You know more about me truly than anyone else in the entire universe. God poor you.
Thank you for being my friend
XXX
ps I keep receiving calls from I. Do you remember he was the therapist who there was a lot of trouble with. Due to the confidentiality I was obliged not to say anything. Police were involved. It was a very horrible time. It is now a couple of years and I've encountered him since - he was doing well at that time. I'm hoping these silent calls are an error on his part- sitting on the call button or something. But I got a blank text as well. With my slight int of paranoia right now it's a little worrying. Anyway it seems to have stopped in the last 20 minutes. It's been going on since about 6:20. I answered the first call and we have a conversation. That seemed genuine although I was slightly concerned. Since then there's been an endless stream of calls with no sound and one text that was blank. I started answering it and putting it on mute and each time it was cut off eventually then called back again. Weird shit goes down from time to time.
Another email received
Give you more credit? Oh my comments are in no way making a statement about what you think or don't think. They are merely my thoughts on this matter of friendship. I am not making any criticism of you merely meandering around my thoughts.
It is not an email to say you re thinking any way in particular. Just picking up on things you've said and how my thoughts ebb and flow. Experiences I've had and how your friendship matters etc etc.
I hear how you tell me you are not pushing me away. I accept that. I acknowledge that things have changed but for me the depth of my friendship has not changed. I do acknowledge exactly what you say but that doesn't mean I think or feel the same way. We have different views of things and I am not saying you are right or wrong or that I am right or wrong.
I am not making a statement about you, simply putting my thoughts forward which may not agree with yours.
How can I hear you in the way you want me to hear you.
I accept that things have changed - circumstances have yes I know that they have. That means that the way in which we interact changes. But from my point of view the depth of my friendship for you hasn't altered.
Its a different thing in my book. But that doesn't mean that I don't acknowledge what you are saying.
Prior to our lives getting more hectic I think we both had more time to be able to meet up more regularly, even talk on the phone more regularly. It's little to do with A to be honest. She has her way of living. She very kindly looks after LouLou every day. And I collect LouLou every evening. We chit chat and often walk too. It's simply a different type of connection with Abigail at this time. When I first got into recovery I had to let go of our friendship for a time. She would not believe that I was an alcoholic. She has fought against the FA stuff too but I know and can stand firm as I feel the freedom. This time I am better placed to continue to be in the friendship. I am learning and growing.
When I was with SH I would get into such trouble with him because I would spend time with friends. It would cause terrible arguments but I always battled because my friendship and commitment to my friendships mattered. He never did get over it. It was another of his reasons for wanting to split up. He could not accept that I had friends and they mattered. I was not prepared to give up on my friends. He would complain that I spoke to my friends on the phone. It was a horrible time. I on the other hand was delighted to be able to support him spending time with his friends - he took this mean that I didn't care. it was quite the opposite. I was at one time very jealous of his female friends - I worked so hard on my insecurity to be able to let go and allow him his choices. And to show trust.
I'm not awkward with A herself. There's an awkwardness about your thoughts on my friendship with A. I'm not really sure what it is. It seems to be a point of comparison or something but I'm really not sure. I will try and get some clarity when I can and try to let you know when I know.
Scared - well like I said my fears are my issues. I can't think of any specific examples right now because I'm so tired
In fact I'm so tired I think it would be sensible to go to sleep now.
Will you meet your mother? I know it's so difficult for you at times.
Not sure what to say about missing your father. It's painful I know.
Take good care of yourself especially with these strong feelings related to your parents.
Sending you my love - that's very real
Another brief email saying she wished she hadn't started all of this (can't say I blame her) was received
OK - I'm taking in what you've written.
On reflection perhaps me sharing my thoughts and feelings is an example of relating which then appears as if I'm not taking notice of what you're saying.
I will re-read your emails and take notice of your thoughts and feelings without my own getting in the way.
It may be necessary for me to clarify what I've understood when I see you.
I'm looking forward to seeing you Wed/Thurs.
As you have a key please feel free to arrive whenever suits you. Perhaps your opportunity to have a peaceful bath?
And then a long email
Hello. Yes I read your email whilst eating my lunch.
L on hols and S off sick so work alone again.
It's hectic. Pleased that I can graciously accept this. I was fed up about it this morning but simply getting on with all that I can do. Realise how much I dislike having to let things go. A sense of letting people down and I should be able to do it all. But then I just get huffy and resentful.
Just got an hour now before another group and then a family session after work hours. Thankfully getting paid for it so it makes it easier to take on. A consequence of not recruiting and then colleagues over stretched now ill.
It's good to be able to be flexible and agreeable and humble in my behaviour and gracious in my attitude.
It's only when I get myself embroiled in my resentments that it all goes tits up!!!! I suppose I expect someone to be grateful but even that I can let go of by acknowledging it.
Anyway all this aside and the situation with my dad - I'm glad you have not buried any of your thoughts just because there are things happening in my life. There are rarely times when something isn't occurring for each of us.
I'm grateful for your openness and honesty. It gives me a lot to think on. And it's interesting hearing your ideas on my behaviour patterns. Thank you.
I read with a determined focus on understanding how things have been for you. So hopefully I have better taken that on board. Rather than wanting to express myself. Glad you persevere with me.
Hopefully we'll get some chat time on Thursday.
Can you send me details please of the venue and times so that I can work out getting there and parking and so on.
Right. Back to work. Hopefully we'll speak before Wed or Thurs. and wait to hear whether you'll overnight or meet en route or at the venue.
And then an email with some really nice comments ...
Thank you for your text.
I am taking time to really absorb everything that you've said.
I love all the adventures we've had. I am always thrilled by the things we plan and do. It's a lot of fun.
I often think back over places, events, people etc sometimes chuckling. I regularly have watery eye chuckles at the day of laughter over Skype even though I can't remember specifically what it was about. My sides hurt and I love those shared nutty moments and memories between us. Not to mention the hours of talking things over and under, probably far too much analysis at times on my part, and all a part of my journey, with your involvement, towards enlightenment. All of these things are really meaningful to me.
So you may or may not get the general gist by reading just my thoughts and opinions. Interestingly a friend said that she saw me defending myself throughout and no certainty about myself at all. It was as a result of this conversation combined with another FA call that I came to realise that my depth of friendship and my loyalty to the friendship is strong. I am a loyal friend but I am full of defects. Which means that I make mistakes but never with the intention of causing harm. In further discussions including this point it became apparent that this might have been perceived as an excuse linked with perceptions of family members in her past using similar statements. I was very clear that it is no way an excuse not to make changes and to ignore the impact of of my mistakes and how my friend was feeling. I have reiterated that I value the communications because that's the only way I can learn how I impact on other people - even though at times it's difficult to hear. Once again I have learnt the importance to listen and observe. There isn't always a need to say anything. I can ask questions as a way of acknowledging what I've heard or by summarising to make sure that's a correct understanding. Counselling techniques are really just effective ways of communicating in general relationships too. It was said that I do not share my own feelings about being on the receiving end of her. I said that I have been sharing my thoughts and feelings throughout and she said perhaps she is not recognising them clearly. So again I can try to be more open and honest. It's interesting how closed I come across to her. I wish to open that up and ensure that it is a two-way friendship. It is ever evolving that's for sure.
Through the week we have talked more and more and I think I have listened better. I hope so at least.
I noticed when she said she feels jealous of my interactions with others I felt afraid that she would punish by withdrawing. My fear of having other friends then becomes silence. I think she was recognising her behaviour in that herself without me needing to verbalise my fear. She said that in a childish way her jealousy becomes her not giving of herself either to avoid being hurt. So together we have covered a lot of ground and together we have a lot of growing up in the friendship to do. I think she will feel glad that she has raised the issues and there is a humility I can choose to hold on to that I hadn't needed to but there is the ego in me the pride that says why didn't I raise things first. Well to this point I haven't known what it was or what to say. So it's OK.
God help me to be wise within this friendship and to be open and honest with discretion, compassion and love. There is peace and fun to be had together. I want to show how much I value my friends in my actions. Thank you God for bringing this to me and for now showing me how to grow as a good friend.
Oh and the link with the quote. I recognise I can worship the idea of friendship for selfish reasons. For the reason of the fear of being alone and without and lacking in fun and inspiration. Yet this has never ever been the case. When I worship friendship rather than the person I cannot be wholesome and this is something I wish to move away from, so help me God. With God's grace I am learning and growing and becoming a better friend, Thank You God.
So yes I see that my determination to keep the friendship determines how I can be manipulative and secretive and fundamentally very self-centred. I wish to change, it's ugly. What I sow I reap as another quote says. And I become what I worship - in this case and idea only, not something at all real.
Value rather than worship. Value the person not the want.
Bliss
XX
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