Bright lights

The light that shines very brightly shines for half as long

Bliss
xx

Humble horses

A well-trained horse gives no cause for restraint. Rare are those beings who, through modesty and discipline give no cause for rebuke.
v.143

Ajahn Munindo says ...
Is it possible to have too much modesty? It is possible to have the wrong kind of modesty; when, for example, refraining from blatant greed is being manipulative. Modesty, frugality and discipline: words like these can make us feel uneasy. Yet certainly there are timeless principles encoded in them. When we have true modesty we look for the "right amount" of things. We seek the difference between settling for "good enough" and being too timid to excel. With right discipline we are focused on the task at hand without compromising sensitivity. One skilled in right discipline can say no when needed, not out of judgement or mere preference, but as someone who cares.

I cherish the idea of modesty. There are times when I observe myself being less than modest - superior, arrogant, egotistical. It is interesting to observe but also very unlikeable. I noticed on Saturday how disengaged I was in a kind of superior way. I listened and watched the lack of self awareness but with a smugness rather than as a part of. Thankfully watching myself I could keep reminding myself of where I come from and it is no different at all. Life gives me so many opportunities to regard me within the connections and interactions.
It's all so interesting. With my mood seemingly more levelled out right now it is also easier to feel OK about me and me within the world. Oddly I don't feel too great about the circumstances within which I have to operate but I am also uncertain how to move out of it - scared perhaps more than uncertain. I have ideas of how I would like things to be but also afraid - not trusting. It leaves me feeling uncertain about what would be secure for when I am older and frail. Unable to work I would be starving and stuck. So instead I stay stuck and dissatisfied with many things. Not ungrateful at all. I am very grateful for everything I have. But there are different things that I should like to experience.
This is not humility though. Humility I think would be accepting where I am right now and following the flow of the river presented to me.
Things that are offers of changed flows - a visit to R on her barge. A visit to IOW with RF and then a visit to Spain with her too. I have an invite to Norway which I look forward to taking. There have been some lovely gallery visits and theatre. And there are more planned.
How wonderful that I have these opportunities, whether I take them or not.

I have felt so so sad today. I cried when I got to work. Thinking of how my cousin looks, She is so so ill. Thinking of my Auntie begging God to let her take the pain and give life to L. It's just awful. Seeing the little girls. Who knows what they are thinking or knowing?? It seems all so unfair and topsy turvy. I still don't understand and the humility is that I a not to reason why. I don't have to like it though.

I pray for her. I don't know what to pray for her. But I just pray. God carry her please. Carry those girls and my Auntie. Please?

I sent an email to JH to say hello. I hoped he would reply but didn't expect him to. I was so sad to learn that he is unwell. I was also very sorry that he said he felt rejected and a failure. I read that as if I was being blamed. Maybe it's the language difference. However I can take it. It wasn't what I had meant throughout but can feel sorry that that is how JH was feeling.
I wish him a speedy recovery and all the strength needed to deal with his emotions around the big changes with divorce and negotiating for the house he so wants.

Generally today I feel exhausted. The emotions of yesterday, the extraction of energy working with people struggling so, death in abundance right now, sadness in abundance right now. A dissatisfaction yet a calm within me. I never understand the ways in which almost polar opposite emotions can seemingly sit side by side within me. I am multi dimensional and many feelings  can coincide. I accept this in this very moment.
I am a quirky little person, humans are quirky little beings.

Off to watch the rest of the film

Bliss
XX

Running the Blade

Dali seemed to like the eye and razor image, and the ants. Long after Un Chein Andalou, he used it again.

Alfred Hitchcock, talking about Spellbound:

"I was determined to break with the traditional way of handling dream sequences through a blurred and hazy screen. I asked Seiznick if he could get Dali to work with us and he agreed, though I think he didn't really understand my reasons for wanting Dali. He probably thought I wanted his collaboration for publicity purposes. The real reason was that I wanted to convey the dreams with great visual sharpness and clarity, sharper than the film itself. I wanted Dali because of the architectural sharpness of his work. Chirico has the same quality, you know, the long shadows, the infinity of distance, and the converging lines of perspective.

"But Dali had some strange ideas, he wanted a statue to crack like a shell falling apart, with ants crawling all over it, and underneath, there would be Ingrid Bergman, covered by the ants! It just wasn't possible.

"My idea was to shoot the Dali dream scenes in the open air so that the whole thing, photographed in real sunshine, would be terribly sharp. I was very keen on that idea, but the producers were concerned about the expense. So we shot the dream in the studios."

From Hitchcock by Francois Truffaut (Panther, 1969:



Interesting - I used the comment running the blade and a friend came backl talking about blades and eyes in relation to me snipping this picture and posting it.

It's actually a snip from Blade Runner which I am re-watching for it's sheeer brilliance.

Anyway as a result of my friends comment I looked upo Dali and the eye razor connection. I am not sure what else she is referring to - I will update you as soon as ....

Temptation

(Tom Waits)

Rusted brandy in a diamond glass
Everything is made from dreams
Time is made from honey slow and sweet
Only the fools know what it means
Temptation, temptation, temptation
I can't resist
Well I know that she is made of smoke
But I've lost my way
He knows that I am broke
But I must pay him
Temptation, oh temptation, temptation, I can't resist
Dutch pink and Italian blue
He's there waiting for you
My will has disappeared
Now confusion is oh so clear
Temptation, temptation, temptation
I can't resist
Temptation, for love, temptation, temptation
I can't resist

Age

My Back Pages - Bob Dylan

Crimson flames tied through my ears
Rollin' high and mighty traps
Pounced with fire on flaming roads
Using ideas as my maps
"We'll meet on edges, soon," said I
Proud 'neath heated brow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

Half-wracked prejudice leaped forth
"Rip down all hate," I screamed
Lies that life is black and white
Spoke from my skull. I dreamed
Romantic facts of musketeers
Foundationed deep, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.
Girls' faces formed the forward path
From phony jealousy
To memorizing politics
Of ancient history
Flung down by corpse evangelists
Unthought of, though, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.
A self-ordained professor's tongue
Too serious to fool
Spouted out that liberty
Is just equality in school
"Equality," I spoke the word
As if a wedding vow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.
In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand
At the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach
My pathway led by confusion boats
Mutiny from stern to bow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.
Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats
Too noble to neglect
Deceived me into thinking
I had something to protect
Good and bad, I define these terms
Quite clear, no doubt, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

Werdly diversifying days

Transactional Analysis: Drama Triangle Of Rescuer, Persecutor And Victim

Transactional Analysis is a therapeutic and analytical system developed by Eric Berne. It focuses on personality, social interaction and therapeutic analysis. Part of the system looks at the games people play, and the roles they assume in these games. There are three basic roles:
The Rescuer
We take on the role of rescuer when we perceive another person to be hopeless and helpless, in other words a victim. As part of this role we take full responsibility for that person’s well being, making them feel as though they can’t help themselves. By adopting this role we keep others dependent on us and make them feel that they can’t cope without us.
The Persecutor
Persecutors start off as rescuers or victims. Because rescuers have assumed total responsibility for a victims well being, the victim will ask questions of the rescuer. The rescuer tries to solve the questions and give answers, but becomes increasingly frustrated when the victim rejects all of these answers as being unhelpful. Rescuers then begin to persecute the victim. This emphasises the fact that we shouldn’t try to rescue people who don’t need to be.
The Victim
Victims are often helped by rescuers when they haven’t asked to be. There are situations in life where people are victims, for example someone who has been burgled or assaulted, but in transactional analysis the victim contributes to the game. They pass all responsibility for their well being to the rescuer, and don’t try to overcome this oppression. Victims eventually persecute their rescuers.
Where does this game begin? According to Berne families are ‘the training ground’ for the Drama triangle with children assuming the role of the victim and parents the rescuers/persecutors. Examples would be parents deciding on what friends a child should have, or reminding them that adults “know what’s best”. We may take these beliefs into adulthood. If we don’t want to be a victim we must stand up for ourselves and demand not to be rescued. Rescuers may struggle to take no for an answer because they feel guilty when not playing the rescuing game. Victims therefore have to be determined!
Are you a victim or a rescuer in Berne’s game of life?

I start with this as I went along to a group of 4 (including me) with the idea that we would discuss the beginnings of writing a play. Instead as I really quite expected the discussion was all about personal experiences, mainly of abusive backgrounds.
It did feel a little like a busman's holiday to be truthful. My choice to sit and listen and participate verbally less and less. With one woman I felt an intolarnce towards and the first sign of this was when I detected a sharpness in my disagreement with her. I quietened myself and elected to listen more and observe myself and my emotions. To be a part of the little group, I decided to ask enquiring questions rather than try and protest my disagreemtn. What did I notice? I noticed my strong aversion to the sweeping statements that I hear from this woman. I felt a subtle control from her. I think her meaning was well intended but what I felt so strongly against was the ways in which I was told my emotions and how I should fee.. Also the generalisations were boxing. I have felt this with PS and B and notice how in my feeling boxed, I get defensive and want to push a way out. I try keeping these people away and then feel so bad.
What I also want to acknowledge is the wonderful sense of connection I feel with people though. Aware of my reactions to this lady I was able to adjust myself and find the positivity in her. And then the immediate positive connection with KJ - beautiful woman. And L last nigth too. I have a vision of these two women in my mind that I would love somehow to trust myself to transfer onto paper - right from my minds eye. I will try. KJ needs to be bright pastels on black paper. L needs to be a pencil sketch.
I will have Blade Runner on whilst trying to produce my memory of wonderful folk onto paper.

Bliss
XX

A lot of tragic loss and a natural course of death too

Lucien Freud died yesterday. I believe he died of old age and the natural cause of things.
My friend has said that she finds his depiction of women distasteful. She says he makes them look like pieces of meat. I listened to a recording of him saying that he wanted to show people as they were, lumps bumps and everything. He also said that he painted people he knew. He said even if it was the twin of someone he knew he wouldn't paint them as it was the essence of the person he wanted to capture. A woman who sat for him was saying that he spent time getting to know her. She was £20 per day sitting but he took her to lunch which would cost £80. This slightly contradicted really what I had understood from what he had said. I had understood that he literally knew everyone before they sat for him but in this case the model was someone he got to know as she sat.
Someone else said that the eyes of the woman always looked out of gauntness and as if surprised .. what  do I think?
Of the paintings I have seen directly, I thought there was an empty look in the eyes. I felt that there was relationship with women that was somehow distant for him. I wondered about his sexuality as I observed what he showed. Apparently he had many many affairs and marriages with women. This means nothing of course except that numerous partners often indicates an inability for intimacy. Always interesting and too late to get to know. And of course most people do not want to explore their behaviours, so long as its working adn they do not hit the rock bottom - if it's working don't change it.
A fascinating man I think. I am interested in his paintings but I do not see him finding beauty and love. I see something else .... Everything is personal interpretation huh



 
 



5 deaths in a hospital (in Stockport) after suspicious circumstances. A nurse Rebbecca Leighton has been arrested under suspicion of contaminating saline drips. Good grief! 

Police clarified earlier reports suggesting a 41-year-old man had died. The officer said he was in fact still very poorly.

Both of them had been on wards A1 and A3 which is where detectives have focused their investigation into the deaths.

Stepping Hill Hospital in Stockport confirmed his death today as police continued to question a nurse accused of killing three patients using contaminated drips.

Rebecca Leighton was arrested in a dawn raid at the small flat she shares with her fiancé and was being questioned by detectives last night.

In a statement, Greater Manchester Police said: 'Police have been given more time to question a woman arrested on suspicion of murder.

'The 27-year-old was arrested on Wednesday by detectives investigating the deaths of five patients at Stepping Hill Hospital.

'A warrant of further detention has been granted and is due to expire at 9.05pm on Friday.
'Inquiries are continuing.'

Known as Becki, the 27-year-old works at Stepping Hill Hospital in Stockport where her mother, Lynda, is understood to be a nurse training manager.

She is being held on suspicion of the murders there of George Keep, 84, Arnold Lancaster, 71, and Tracey Arden, 44.

The 85-year-old woman died on July 14 but her death is being linked with the other four.

A/Ch Const Hopkins said: 'As with the deaths of George Keep, Arnold Lancaster and Tracey Arden the cause of this man and woman's death is not known and it is important we do not lose sight of this fact.

In relation to the death of the woman, this was referred to us by the coroner and after a review of the circumstances surrounding this death - notably the low blood sugar level - we have decided to investigate further.

'In relation to the man's death, due to the fact he suffered a hypoglycaemic episode during a timeframe we are looking at it is only right we conduct further inquiries.

'We have family liaison officers with both families and my thoughts are with them as they are with the relatives of all affected by this incident.


Then the devastating news of a bomb and vile shootings in Norway. I am relieved to know my friend is alive and well.

Norway has been hit by twin attacks - a massive bomb blast in the capital and a shooting attack on young people at a governing Labour Party youth camp.

At least seven people were killed in the bombing, which inflicted huge damage on government buildings in Oslo.

A few hours later a gunman opened fire at the camp on an island outside Oslo, killing ...... at the time of this report the BBC reported 10 people killed. BUt I have heard from other news bulletins of maybe as many as 90 killed and still some people are missing. Young people drowned as they tried to escape by swimming off the island Utoeya.
It's just baffling. I will never get to grips with it - or so I say. I think there is some awareness with the work that I do and studying too of the way that evil can be cultivated without even knowing that its happening. I feel sorrow for the tortured soul within this person who could cause such devastation and trauma.

Amy Whinehouse has been found dead this afternoon - currently the cause of death is unknown. The tragedy of addiction.
   



I saw some photographs of Amy in the depths of her drug use and despair. I felt so sad and could not bring myself to give the disease of addiction space to live by copying them here onto this Blog. It's so tragic! I feel so sad for the waste of a life given over to this disease that ravages souls. What was so painful underneath that she couldn't face. I sit day after day in my job with people who are losing everything slowly, slowly. A woman who has alcoholic dementia and so now she will not remember that she cannot drink. It's just awful. People who have near liver failure but they cannot get that they are powerless over this disease of addiction. So far there is only one solution - abstinence. Handing over the power to other people. I cannot get it around food. I cannot get it around love and relationships - codependency. I understand it fully. It kills - it is violent in it's killing. I am grateful to have been given the gift of recovery. Thank you Universe.
People don't even think they have it! Denial is so convincing and strong. It sabotages living and life.


 And yesterday a client was found dead after disappearing from the hospital the day before.

All these feelings are within me. As always I have a complete void. Just an awareness of something big within me. Perhaps I am over sensitive I don't know but today I am feeling something big about all of these.

This morning I used laxatives. I cannot bear feeling how I do so had to purge. I am powerless over the compulsion.

Tomorrow I am visiting my Auntie and then onto to visit my cousin who is so seriously ill.
My dad called to say he is very ill.

I find it all too overwhelming. I do not want to go to any meetings as everyone will be dwelling in the disaster of an addict dieing.

Bliss with failing words
xx