The gap between the extremes

Well! Thank you God. It works! It really does.
Since the middle of January I have been agonisingly in agony, troubled to my very core with the changes in my work place. Namely the departure of P and the arrival of L. Such different people. I have been angry, escalating to fury. I know I afraid but often unable to identify this through all the other emotions. I've been confused, discombobulated and disappointed. At times I've been blaming and resentful. My attitude then has been argumentative and distasteful at time. When I lash out my self hatred quickly turns on me and then I resent her even more somehow. I've hated her for making me feel so low and despairing. I've wanted to run. I've wanted to stay in bed, be off sick for weeks on end doing mind numbing things. I've wanted to go to the other extremes of high partying and taking risks. I've become paranoid thinking at times that she's recording us in the office, or at the least able to hear us through her hearing aid connection equipment. I noticed my paranoia had intensified generally, fear spreading. I was becoming more and more uncertain about myself and my skills and abilities. Gradually quietening, having little to say because I thought it was incorrect or inadequate. Inwardly questioning everything about me simply augmenting the already heightened fears.
What have been the fears?
I am never really clear on the fears but I think it starts with me being scared that I'm being found out as incapable and inadequate. And then if that has been discovered I will lose my job. If I lose my job what on earth will I do, how will I get an income? And no income will mean that I won;t be able to afford anything at all, I may even lose my home and end up on the streets. And what about the future? Old age for example, how awful will that be? Not to mention the fears of what my dad will think of me. I want a certain easy life style that actually I already can't afford. I don't like it!!
It's been months of mental agony, turmoil. And it's affected everything. My studies are deferred, my energy levels have been low, my activities have decreased, I've had no clear thinking. Every waking thought has been connected with the struggles.
However, I've stayed abstinent. My food has been clean. There have been a couple of wavers, for example not having quite enough veg or protein and allowing that to go under. I haven't mentioned that to my sponsor. I need to. I can't even remember which days. It was two days during the last week, since putting on nearly a pound in weight the week before. That shook me to the core as well.
I also had the funny situation with cheese last Sunday. I had weighed it as 2 oz but when re-weighing it I got it into my mind that it was 4 oz. It really was a mistake. Only as I was eating it did I realise that there seemed to be so much more cheese than normal. I took a whole heap off my plate but didn't re-weigh it, I assessed it. That threw me a bot. I thought it would make all the difference so I think the drops I permitted, and they were not even entire ounce drops, for example the protein was 0.5, but the whole imbalance had started. I feel dreadful that I haven't told my sponsor. I feel ashamed and afraid. But the reality is that has been the course of the events and the secrecy will be the downfall of the whole thing. I need to become clean and not take things into my own hands.
So apart from this, I've been taking on the suggestions. I've been calling out every day. During the calls I've gone on and on about the situation at work with L and how awful I've felt. I shared the blame and resentment over and over again. Months of it. It's been suggested that I pray for her every morning and every evening. To begin with that was ad hoc but gradually I got into the practise of praying for her to have everything I would desire for myself. And I prayed for her happiness, prosperity and health. I still am praying for that and including my dad and Theresa with the same hopes that God will provide them with the same.
My sponsor kept reminding me that y only job is to maintain my serenity. Yet everyday I was not serene. I was angry and then I would say things that would be antagonistic, not on purpose, but would contribute to the bad feeling between L and I. I was blaming her for making me like that though. I was reminded to step out of self, which I was thinking to stop thinking all the time about me. But I also realised it's stepping out of the feelings. As my sponsor said listen and observe. I would listen for a while and then jump in with an opposing opinion. I would be so scared that I compulsively defended myself by being argumentative, at times gossipping in an attempt to rally allies. I would accuse and blame and resent in my defensiveness. But then afterwards I would really be hating myself for the way in which I had mishandled things. Always taking it on me that there was a horrible atmosphere.
It was said several times over the months that there was evidently an issue between L and I. To begin with I hated being accused of being the problem. That's what I heard. Especially when L said to S that she liked S. She didn't say that to me at all, she only referred to the issues. So I interpreted that immediately that she doesn't like me. Mind you the way I have attacked her at times, it's not surprising and I haven't liked her for the way she has attacked me. Touche.
So very little listening even when I truly intended to. Then suddenly this week, the personality change in me occurred.
I have no idea how the clarity happened apart from a process over all of these past months. Little things drip feeding through, maybe the emotional strain was grinding me down, enough to have to stop emoting. The praying, the growing faith that has been like an engine trying to start. Speaking with other and hearing their experiences. Being listened to and people identifying similarities of attitude, the self-centredness of wanting and needing reassurance, the fears. Praying, praying and praying some more to be shown how to be. Praying for inspirational thoughts for what to do next. Praying.
Tuesday was team meeting day. It was this week wasn't it? Yes it was.
I listened and listened. I listened out in me for the defensiveness but observing when I was about to say but" or become argumentative. When I noticed myself about to do that I stayed quiet even more and listened some more. I had prepared myself somewhat to be able to say tings like "So I think I have understood that ....." And as I did L seemed to be agreeing and even adding to my contribution rather than arguing against it. I suddenly had a real clarity, thank you God for the inspirational and creative thought. When it became clear, and I asked for clarity, that we were not going to be recruiting when A leaves (1 June), I said in that case we need to change the programme to better suit the way L wants the groups to run and to suit the new staffing levels. The problem is she likes working at a high level. When is it a culture of over working when trying to adapt to a number of different people's idea of work levels? Where and what is the gap?
I started to accept that L is the boss for whatever reason. I didn't want the role and whoever would have taken it would certainly bring about changes. It was just that these were so different, a completely different approach to addictions therapy. And done in a way that she seemed to be undermining us, criticising us. When in actual fact she is criticising the programme. But as we have been working and supporting the programme it feels as if she is criticising me. It's so hard to separate the two.
Oh and I was glad, thank you God, to have been given the words when meeting with N, that yes there was/is a problem between L and I but I'm not the only one who is having a similar problem. I didn't say it but I refused to be the scapegoat and I felt good about that.
So in the team meeting, I really stepped aside from self. I out the emotions to one side and therefore didn't need to defend myself. Instead I was protective - there is a fine line, but where and what is the line? Where is the gap between defence and protect?
I continue to be baffled by her seeming chaos. She seems to have no boundaries. IS this true though? They are just different from my own. And are mine too rigid at times? I ask that believing that I d have rigid rules with no flexibility. So where is that gap between differences? What is the gap between a flexible boundary and a rigid boundary. For example when is it right that there are consequences having crossed someones or an institutional boundary. Or should someone simply come to their own conclusions? If there are no consequences do people ever come to their own point of a need to change. You see I think there needs to be some order and boundaries, otherwise there would be anarchy.
So anyhow, she has very different boundaries to my own. It's finding a way to accept that. For instance, she is quiet happy to be late for the group. She walks in sometimes just because she wants to be in a group. It's chaos. She has 1:1's and keeps them waiting. She has little awareness of the staffing levels and does her own things anyway. She doesn't take into consideration others thoughts and opinions and does it her own way anyhow. In my opinion this isn't good management. But you see this is where I have to learn and practise acceptance and tolerance. But where is the gap between accepting and not being taken advantage of? What is the gap between acceptance and it not being conducive to good practise? Isn't it all a matter of opinion? How do we begin to negotiate on that.
In terms of the daily practise I can see how the morning group can be very useful in letting the clients just bring to group their own thoughts and topics and discuss them at whatever level. They don't get to the nitty gritty quickly but they work to some level. And then if we can have more time for 1:1 therapy sessions and use the other groups for therapy and information, I can see that a reshaped programme can incorporate everything. It will be less directive and this is something I've always questioned anyway. Interesting how my values can shift to follow people that I think are better than me.
I still do question her rationale that people should be closed down when raising issues such as abuse. I remember this happening to me and the focus being brought back to the addiction. It wasn't helpful I don't think. At the same time I can see her point. But if the therapists can have a part in containing the situation and I think we always have done, then there is a therapeutic value in that. She is saying that it shouldn't be raised and only dealt with in a1:1 therapy session, preparing the person to be with the emotions and then having perhaps a separate abuse group. I think that would be helpful in addition. But this is where we have to agree to disagree. She won't agree to disagree but I can. Once again she is the boss for whatever reason you've decided that God. And what do I know really? What do any of us know really. Nothing is proven to be 100% proof. People still go away traumatised, all we can do is be there to support them when they need someone to turn to. Developing the trust is the key thing here. Knowing that someone is listening and won't abuse them or re-traumatise them. Trust, trust, trust. She does it her way and I do it mine.
I think I have made some mistakes as in strongly pushing C to reveal all to the group. I think the group were quite troubled when J revealed the details of her mums murder. It was difficult to hold the entire groups emotions and trauma with that but in 1:1's Julie became more trusting over time.
There is no right and wrong way, just ways. How I deal with other peoples way is the key to me maintaining my serenity.
I think there is a lot of growing here. Where is the gap though between staying and going? Where is the gap between listening to fear of starting up my own practise and thinking this is God's way of telling me not to do it. Or is it fear blocking me? God please give me an inspirational thought.

Oh and I was honest with my sponsor about the self-will and food this last week. The protein and veg under weighing was worked through. B did ask me to take some quiet time with God to think about the cheese. What did I do with the cheese? Did I take this into my own self will God?
I think I'm scare she will say I can't have cheese at all. That's my fear now. And I've been so pleased not to have it more than once a week. I like cheese. Do I have a relationship that is unhealthy with cheese God?
B mentioned day 1. I'm not afraid of going back to day 1 at all. Another 90 days of listening during meetings. But there are some measures I can take to be more careful to be precise with weighing and measuring - 1 keep the book with me, try to have protein pre-prepared during the week just in case it's under and the same with cooked veg, although B mentioned popping a tomato or something into the microwave if it happens again. I can also tell her as soon as it happens.
I think with the food it's fear of it being taken away from me. And yet this is my choice. I like cheese and it's OK to like certain foods. I have in the past binged on cheese this is true and I know to be very careful with it. Hence I don't have it more than once a week. There is also a fear that if I have it too often it will be too much fat in my diet and then I'll start putting on weight. So it is a food type I am cautious about. Is this self-will God? What do I need to do about this? I will keep asking until there is clarity. I will share my questions with FA people. Non-fa'ers are bound t thin this is faddish or over complicated. What they don;t have to worry about is that food can take me into insanity. So keeping things straightforward with my food will make living life simpler, even when it's troubling.

Bliss
XX

On being alone - Ascension day

I loved hearing this yesterday morning. It was a moment of reflection on the matter of aloneness. I resonated strongly with that inner peace of aloneness but was also reminded how much of my time I have rebuked that notion and despaired for someone to fill what can feel like a chasm. The work in progress is how I am a little more comfortable with aloneness and less lonely. The longing diminishes ever so slightly. Thank you God. I suppose, according to the story of Jesus of Nazareth, the misunderstandings and inexperience are essential. I try to reconcile why? Why did God not give all knowledge from the offset, do away with pain and difficulties from the very beginning. Is this though the spiritual growth, the journey, the river, the road to Nirvana or Ascension? Our personal evolutionfrom undeveloped brain to eventual all knowledge at death. That makes sense to me since learning knowledge about development of humans and the brain.mans have developed areas of the brain beyond those of other creatures. We have technically the same brain stem as that of ancient species such as the crocodile. But we have also evolved beyond that. The miracle. God's gift? Chicken and egg, what came first? Did something kick in meaning we could consciously start experiencing so that we could then develop brain to create more room for conscious experiences? With consciousness comes misunderstandings or confusions and a desire to know more and so more experiences bringing more misunderstandings.

For whatever reason I am where I am in the greater scheme of the Universe. It feels very difficult and frightening when I don't understand and don't know what to do or how to be. But my faith is growing. Especially as I learn how to do things differently and feel the serenity coming back. And in my aloneness I am certainly experiencing life. What is wonderful is that I can share my misunderstandings and inexperience with friends like you and draw from your experience and thoughts. Then my aloneness can remain as bliss and peace and loving and truthful and wise. The pain of loneliness is removed and with it fear can go too.

I embrace being alone more and more but love that we are alone all together. Thank you for being a part of my togetherness, my experience and my misunderstandings.

"When I walk my dog early in the morning in the park, there are very few other people about. A few joggers, other dog walkers, the odd party goers recovering from a heavy night.
On Sunday morning though, I found myself surrounded by 15,000 people in pink who had taken part in a moonlit marathon walk in aid of a breast cancer charity. For me, it was the beginning of my day; for them it was the end of an arduous but by the looks of it enjoyable fund raising walk through the night. The sense of solidarity was palpable; women and men congratulating each other, relieved, emotional, some with the picture or the name of the person they were remembering on their tee-shirts.
Coming together and doing something is a powerful way of facing some of life’s toughest circumstances. In the midst of illness, bereavement, addiction or debt, meeting others and communicating with them about how it feels, what it’s like, for many is a step forward in a situation that is frightening and debilitating.

In the current economic circumstances, painful stories are emerging about people feeling acutely lonely against a high background count of anxiety about how to pay the next bill; hearing endless worrying news about Greek debt, banks not lending enough to small businesses and the stubbornly rising youth unemployment that threatens a European generation. The solidarity provided by food banks, debt counselling groups and night shelters in these circumstances can be a lifeline when you realise it’s not just you.
But today Christians face another equally profound truth; that while of course we are interdependent on one another and on the planet’s resources; while we unavoidably live in community, there is always a part of us that lives inside, alone. Today is Ascension Day; the poetic, sometimes comically portrayed way that the Bible has of saying that Jesus of Nazareth doesn’t stay around forever – but leaves; leaves his companions to get on with it, with all their misunderstandings and inexperience. That small group of men and women changed the world.
There is a paradox about Ascension Day which is to say that one of the most powerful ways of combating the loneliness of isolation is to make our peace with the fact that we are, in common with everyone else, alone. There are unfathomable depths within you and me; wisdom that has come with the years, resilience that has grown with our experience. It may seem unrealistic to talk about hopeful determination when there is so much to feel anxious about. But Ascension Day suggests that it is possible to find when we have made our peace with God in the reality that we live together alone."

Wisely using courage to remain wholesome

Knowing when to walk away is wisdom
Being able to is courage
Walking away with your head held high is dignity.

I am hoping God will help me to be wise, courageous and dignified. Please show me what, how and when I need to do whatever it is You would like me to do.

Bliss
X

Lucian Freud

Martin Gayford
(art critic)


It is my intention to include portraits that I actually saw.

A journey to London by train and a walk around the Lucian Freud Exhibition at the National Portrait Gallery was a lovely time spent. I realised only later when discussing the exhibition that I hadn't had any strong desires to possess any particular piece of work. Interesting. As usually there are several that I just want to have with a longing.
Discussing this with A and B, after B asked whether we liked the exhibition or not was interesting in itself. I''m really not sure if I did like it. I found it interesting. I did like the way he captured Kitty, his first wife but I felt it was very much more symbolic. The way she was holding the cat b y the neck was somewhat disturbing and the flowers seemed t have more meaning. The cat looks at us whilst Kitty looks at something else and she seems to be throttling it.The way he paints eyes is seemingly over exaggerated. It's very much more representational than likeness.

Perhaps because I've seen it so often, this is one of my favourites. I find it unusual how there are some specifics within any painting that he seems to pay a lot of attention to, almost getting it accurate and yet other elements are almost cartoon-like. My gosh! Wouldn't he have hated that? Or would he.


A commented that his paintings were as if abstract using the human form to convey the abstract. If she kept that in mind she went on to say, she could really enjoy them. There were paintings that I could agree with an earlier comment of hers, that they looked like dead pieces of flesh. After all he was concentrating on flesh and bodies. Did anyone ever say that he was trying to get to the emotion and soul? No. It was the outer parts he was concentrating on surely. And apparently his daughters have said that he was distant - a remote island. I wonder when he closed down? I wonder what caused him to distance himself from people? ow true is the hearsay anyway? Wouldn't it have been good to have had some time to get to know him and his thoughts on life, the planet, the universe and everything.


 An early self portrait in which he was holding a feather and other symbolic shapes and figures, which had meanings but that he never revealed to anyone.

According to others, the Queen did  not like the version of herself painted by Freud. It's hardly flattering so I can't say I blame her. I wonder if it was destroyed?








I felt as if I was at the scene of a murder enquiry when I looked at this one. The floor seemed to be very alive, the body not.



I loved this painting of Caroline Blackwood. Apparently she was the woman who his heart was broken over. And this painting shouts emotions despite his apparent lack of ...

Something I fund disturbing was the use of his daughters in paintings of nudity. It just doesn't seem OK but that's probably my own personal influences at play.

Bella Freud


This painting of his children was intriguing, the play on perspectives especially the hands and feet. Even the children seem out of perspective with each other. The woman I think is a lover at that time. Why is it artists think it's OK to have many lovers and partners. It seems so painful to me. But to be bohemian means that one would have to accept it? They were and probably still are still the same?? Or am I cynical. I suppose that the relationship between the artist and the model is pretty intense. However apparently his paintings took many long hours with him requiring his models to go into an inner state. He painted them as if they were shut down and deadened. Is this what he wanted? However in this painting of his children there is life and movement, despite the oddness of enlarged hands and feet.




The detail of the man in the foreground is painting exquisitely in my opinion. His suit, his hands. And the view through the window is very detailed and precise. But the guy standing seemed as if at some point he got bored and just bodged it. Apart from the hand in the tail of the suit. I liked that once A pointed that out.

There were so many paintings, a large collection being exhibited. I was chronologically displayed.
I think it took about 2 hours all in all. So worthwhile. I'm glad I went to see it. At this moment I'm not sure what I have taken away from the experience. I learnt more again about him, art and little details.

In English, the borrowed Italian word impasto most commonly refers to a technique used in painting, where paint is laid on an area of the surface (or the entire canvas) very thickly, usually thickly enough that the brush or painting-knife strokes are visible. Paint can also be mixed right on the canvas. When dry, impasto provides texture, the paint appears to be coming out of the canvas.

It was lovely spending the afternoon with A and B. I think it was useful starting out this long weekend doing something away from work. However, they insist on speaking about the situation. As they do about my food. They and others seem to have more problems dealing with what I can't have than I do. I am so relieved to have freedom with my food. I am grateful for the structure and certainty. This used to be so out of control and I was terrified of that. It was not getting better either, it was worsening. Now though I know what and when precisely I will be eating. Today I have eaten more cheese than I am supposed to. I weighted 2 oz but then as I was re-weighing it I was thinking 4 oz. I noted to myself that it seemed so much more than usual. But having sat down and started to eat it I suddenly realised it should be 2 oz. I stopped eating it but think I have probably eaten over the 2oz permitted. Of course now I am feeling fat which is all in the mind. I will tell my sponsor in the morning.

Thank you Lucian for painting. Thank you collectors for allowing the viewing. Thank you National Portrait and curator for organising the event. Pity I have to pay when I am so poor. However I am grateful for the experience as I love the stimulation. I didn't feel exhausted afterwards as I easily made the meeting and despite it not being such a laughter-filled meeting it was meaningful and helpful.
I need to call a few people I think.

Bliss
XX

Mise en scene

Mise en scene - a little phrase I hadn't heard or retained before last evening when someone asked me the mise en scene.
T said she had written a whole long text on bi polarity and FA. Here's my response.
Oh I wish I had been able to read your text about bi polar and FA. I have been thinking about it some more actually. And I am remembering my own theory that diagnoses are always only moving hypothesis. Something to start out with and that the symptoms can always be shifting. So for instance the umbrella term of a mental illness can manifest in many different ways. I think with me it can manifest in many different ways. And to give it a name is a convenient starting point to seek treatment forms. Addiction too is a mental illness and I think it ebbs and wanes depending on how I a or am not dealing with life issues. There is some brain wiring that has been affected genetically (i.e. I have a predisposition towards functioning in a particular way) and also there are the things that happened in my childhood that infiltrated the brain wiring of mine to be received in a particular way sort of reinforcing the wiring. Neither exist without the other. And so - depending on the way my brain is chugging and the life forces of my daily environment is how this all comes together. I think it's problematic to call it a mental illness. But I suppose there is some sort of level that appears to be a norm - the problem is I truly don't believe any single person has perfect brain wiring - everyone to varying degrees has some kind of mental illness in that case. The difficulty comes when the "wiring" and therefore the ways of dealing with life situations becomes dysfunctional or in other words there are harmful consequences - harmful to self and/or others. It is then that change is needed to minimise the harm. Therefore if the "illness" is addiction and it starts to cause problems there needs to be a change. I can see that with my food. It has been problematic for years and causing me health problems at times but also increasingly contributing to mental difficulties - self-esteem, cognition to varying levels and at different times. There have been times when I will simply accept size and deal with the lack of self esteem that brings. And other times size will be so crippling I barely function in the world - skulking along in the dark shadows rather than be seen.
It's similar with the highs and lows. There have been times when I've relished the highs, enjoying the craziness and the risk taking. The crazy relationships have all brought adventures until the pain hits. But none of these things stand alone. They are not separate illnesses or rather one label doesn't mean that the symptoms are stand alone. No I think that the symptoms cross over each other and probably trigger each other. I am certain that my highs augmented my drinking so that I would keep uppping the extent of risk I would take. And similarly the lows were the necessary brain rest but almost obliterating life completely, feeling trapped and suffocated.
The funny thing is FA people do talk about this being a mental illness and so as I listen and really listen I see that they are saying "I'm a food addict and this is a mental illness". And I know that I have mental issues. Illness in my perception is something that then makes a person different from others whereas more and more I am believing that everyone is just on a spectrum of variation, no one in other words is entirely "well" if we use that ill well determinant. It's a continuum of varying and some are worse or better than others along that continuum.
The thing is when people use labels it tends to create a stigma. It's the same with racism or any other prejudives, it's people making other people different from and the same as. It could be linked with the days of living in tribes. There's my tribe and there's the other tribe and we become protective of ourselves in our own tribe for the Darwin theory of survival of our gene. Dawkins The Selfish Gene theory.
Anyway keeping it with the labels and so as not to digress too far down the evolutionary explanation - these labels or diagnoses can be helpful except when people then get stuck in the diagnoses. Using the label to explain everything away rather. I can use the bi polar one to excuse risk taking behaviour or even to excuse the desire to do absolutely nothing, the depression where I simply do NOTHING and therefore my house gets messy and I do not want to face the difficult situations in my life such as the fear I have around this woman at work - it's obsessive - this is all mental dysfunction whatever label I put to it - addiction, bi polar, psychosis, etc etc.
I am praying for you. I am certain you will be taking in useful information that someday - maybe tomorrow, maybe in years to come will be a part of your growth and enhance the already wonderful beautiful you I see.
I have to be careful because I can easily convince myself I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict. Especially as I am dealing with my primary addiction to food. I really, really know this is it as I feel a lifting of the compulsion and obsession. However it leaves me with the issues I have with life and people. I hear the messages of self hatred and doubt all the time. Now I think these are linked with being wired so that I am on the very sensitive end of that continuum. I guess that continuum can be at one end highly sensitive and at the other completely desensitised
both extremes can be as dangerous for a person in the sense that behaviours and attitudes can cause problems for the desensitised person (psychopath would probably be the extremest extreme). The highly sensitive or nervous person is caused problems by receiving behaviours and attitudes from others. And I feel sure we can all bounce from one extreme to the other bt often default at one extreme. Again theories but not evidenced through any research
So remove the plasters I have used i.e. food, relationships, alcohol, narcotics, hedonism or any form of escapism and there I am exposed to the things I've been trying to cover up - high sensitivity. It really doesn't matter anymore how or why I am like this. I also theorise that it doesn't start of as chronic as it ends up. We get to that point gradually through the wearing of way of trying to deal with life.
So here I am highly sensitive - a form of mental illness. And feeling totally vulnerable and scared.
T: Hi I love reading what you write. I am at NLP course now and over the weekend. And have forgotten my Norwegian adapter to my English computer - meaning I will not be able to go on the computer till I am home if I don't find adapter - which is very difficult - already phoned shops. Well addiction. I feel lost now with no sponsor and no contact with FA except you. I love the break even if I am a bit scared where it will end. But I know I can go back whenever I like.
T you will be OK whatever happens. Of that I am certain. If you want to go back to FA it will be there.
T: Need to know more about my brain and mental illness as I have huge problems accepting - so find it mot=re intriguing and OK when you say that everyone has some kind of mental disorder.
You may find another way. It may be that you just become at ease just the way you are.
By the way I'm sorry for writing out my theories and thoughts as I have done this morning. It helps me to get my thoughts into order writing it and especially knowing someone else will read it and add new ideas to my ideas
T: I am wondering if NLP works on me at all. I did a commitment to not eating chocolate last time - but that didn't work. Previous in my life I have tried hypnosis to stop smoking - that didn't work either. I think these techniques don't get deep enough in me. It's like they just flush off the surface. I'm not bothered in a way. Scares me when other people come back and said that the NLP techniques of seeing chocolates as something disgusting kept them off eating it while I just didn't care thinking of it as disgusting when I wanted it..
Hmmm interesting. I wonder if it depends on what you want from NLP. Again this is simply a theory but if you want something to take the responsibility for the action then maybe you/I don't let the NLP in deep enough.
I see people come into treatment expecting the treatment to take away the desire to drink
T: Keep writing to me - i like reading your theories.. gives me something to think of.
of course that doesn't work - the treatment gives people information and helps them look at what the addictions have actually resulted in to strip away the euphoria
then they have to decide whether they are willing to go to the lengths required to stay stopped
T: Yes I want to stop being obsessive. But its like I am not interested anymore but just have to be here because it costed me a fortune and I can't not try it. But I don't have all of me in it - if you see.
Knowing what the "illness" is or the consequences of eating chocolate or talking about issues from the past are all just providing more self awareness
T: It's like I don't have all of me in anything. It's like being numbed for the time being. I'm not here if you see.
 the desire to stop has to come from deep within and then if open to that I see the info drop in too
T: Gosh how difficult to explain or maybe you just understand. I am here but I am not here
I really do understand that feeling of being numbed and not entirely present in any area of my life. I want to be but just can't seem to be.
I truly do understand that
just functioning. So many times I went to see SC my therapist and it was sitting in his room that I could really see how I was knowing how I should be but just wasn't totally with myself
I described it as being like a shell and my soul wasn't there anymore
I can still get like that of course. Difficult issues at work have switched off a part of me. It's as if I completely detach
I also know that going through menopause magnified that. It's as if I was blanketed because of an excess or maybe a decrease of hormones
And the hunger for food I had was just a power I had never encountered before.
T: Yes true. Shell without soul. And people kept asking me yesterday at the course where I was - hello Tone are you here? So I really understood that I am not present this time. And that it is affecting others. Shall I leave today?
It was worse than ever I had known it and it's been bad for as long as I can remember
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO don't leave
T: Bliss do you know why we disappear like this - you said you had the same feeling sometimes - why do you have that feeling or do it?
See it through. Keep showing up, take in what you can even if it's merely at an intellectual level. Don't give up on yourself
I think I disappear in this way because I am afraid. Afraid of what I ask myself?
I think it's also a way of dumbing down the emotions. I no longer have food, alcohol, drugs, men, partying etc to dumb down the feelings. I am a person (mental disorder perhaps) that has heightened emotions, I am very sensitive to the world and this brings on LARGE emotional reactions
T: Thanks I will be there even if it affects the others - they can take responsibility for themselves and just don't care with me. It is the most aware people that see that I am not alert.
I get overwhelmed by my emotions because I seem to over react - i.e. I behave to extremes in reaction or my attitude is massive or my beliefs become extreme which create catastrophising thinking or black and white thinking
so the only way I can deal with this it seems or in my belief system so deeply buried to the point of being unconscious is that I detach from my emotions. BUT
there is a price - the price is I am an almost an empty shell and then I cannot emotional respond to anything. If I let even a little emotion out I go back to explosion and extremity
T:Yes I am afraid of over reacting at work especially. There is going to be a meeting on Monday and I am scared but not willing to accept I am scared. I can't be scared coz I have to show up. But of course I can be scared and show up - as I will.
So what I am realising is that I have this mental disorder - mental that affects emotional and spiritual and physical. The physical comes out as addictive behaviours
You can be scare and take your fear to other people that can listen and even relate. I relate absolutely. The problem is I don't have solutions from my experience yet that I can share with you.
What am I afraid of? I am afraid that I will be seen as under qualified and incompetent. Is this pride? I am as qualified as I am. But I tell myself that I am dealing with peoples lives and so how can I possibly be doing this job with the little knowledge I have.
I have theories but the truth I truly see is that everyone only ha theories - no one knows absolutely
there is evidence to support that everything and anything works or doesn't
But other people don't know they are only working with theories. Their pride tells them they know. But to know that often means they have to show that others are wrong
I am glad to know I don't know but it leaves me afraid of being spotted as not knowing
I am then afraid that they will want to get rid of me
worse than that I am afraid they will be conspiring behind my back to get rid of me or reduce my salary which then taps into my fear of financial worries. I am struggling so much in this are. And I like to have things or be able to do things. And if I have no money I will absolutely bored. Boredom is a killer for me. I go into a deeper depression when bored or explode out of myself and build up debt which then causes me to worry more - you see nothing stands alone it's all so interconnected
I am afraid too that I will be a failure. And to fail means I am not respectable. I am afraid what others will think of me. If I have no money I cannot do things with other people and they will abandon me. If I am a failure at work people won't want anything to do with me. I have to have proof that I'm not a failure because I do not believe I am enough. And I need other people to see that I successful because otherwise they won't have any value of me and confirm that I am not enough. I would also add this perception of failure is external. Failure is simply a word for something that hasn't worked. That happens. Everyone has failure at some points or other. It eems that so many people use this word meaning that's it everything is over. So I might fail an exam. That's it for now but it doesn't mean to say that's it life over. There are many ways of dealing with a failure - get up and try again, try something else until finding things that I can succeed at more easily, take a break. Look at the elements that have gone well. Failure is used as so utterly defeating. It's not. Everyone makes mistakes, has strenghts and weaknesses. everyone is different. Some people have a btter capacity to remember than others - does this mean that one is a success and one a failure. Society has developed the world based on particular measures. It doesn't mean to say people falling under those specific measures are worthless and failures. It's the measure that set that up! The problem is people are people and if only we could lvoe each other for being who we are rather than what a few think everyone should be and if not dispose of them. Poop!
How intricate my thinking is and adds to my fear.
The problem is that before I turn on myself I turn on everyone else that I think is attacking me. I get resentful first and then in my defensiveness I get aggressive - verbally, or in my attitude and then I hate myself for being like this and then I turn that hatred on myself - evidence that I am a terrible out of control nasty person.
How much effort can one person put into all of this no winder I'm so exhausted
And I HAVE to prove that "she or he" is the baddy because then I'm not. But they are just being who they are. I am the one with a mental disorder. I just need to learn how to be OK. I think at work you see that they will find out they employed an incompetent. Someone just meddling my way through. I was like that in my last job and had made it through the ranks to the dizzy heights of middle management. Thought I was a somebody but inside was scared they'd see really I was a nobody.
Phew T. I relate to your fear at work. Hence I need to keep talking about it so that I can keep finding the energy to face it and learn. Learn how to take action and just be OK being me. If I keep running ( addiction, off sick, leave etc) I will never ever learn.
I am praying for you. I am certain you will be taking in useful information that someday - maybe tomorrow, maybe in years to come will be a part of your growth and enhance the already wonderful beautiful you I see.
Thanks for letting me ramble my thoughts. They get stuck in my head otherwise and I go mad. I am scared that people will just think this is the mental illness I have and none of it really is of any consequence as I'm just crazy. But actually I believe that my theories do have substance. I suspect my psychiatrist will have an opinion on this.
The problem is that I work in a unit that has a philosophy of the Minnesota model based on 12 step and there's little lee-way for me to present it with my understanding. I need to substantiate it somehow or find ways to present this to a paying public. This would be a part of my workshops for therapy groups. It's just using the info already gathered - big book, research etc and then creating the presentation. Any help? We could do this together. :) using art in workshops too.

Understanding the gift of the NOW

Actually, Bliss, if you understood the extraordinary gifts every single challenge in your life makes possible, even inevitable, you'd celebrate your challenges, new and old alike, as the omens that they are of new beginnings, spectacular change, and enhanced superpowers.

Perfect for where you are, huh?
The Universe



Yes perfect for where I am and yet I feel worn down by it all this evening. My self esteem is low and my fear heightened. My fear is of being exposed as incapable and then getting the sack and not being employable. And yet I have evidence that counters this. It's horrid being disliked and discredited by someone whose opinion matters and yet I don't value.
And when asked what it is that is being triggered in me I know without doubt it's the childhood fears of being told I was useless. Not as simply as verbally but through attitude towards me and reactions to me. What matters right now is how I am reacting and sometimes I have felt slightly more empowered. Not when is rage and fighting, oh no then I feel dreadful afterwards. But being assertive and assured without anger or damnation. But today I was scared. Afraid of being judged harshly. In fact I would be judged on poor performance as a result of my fear. The irony huh!!
Please Universe show me how You want me to be. Please help me to maintain my serenity.
Please help me to pray for LK to be happy, healthy and prosperous. Please ensure she has all that I would desire for myself. Thank you Universe. And please help me to mean what I am praying for for her.

Bliss
xx

Help

Please God help me. Please show me what I need to do
Thank you.
Please Bless her
Bliss