Heading towards the Etoile

Well yesterday I met with G and his friend N. We went for a walk near Trotton. LouLou is so scared of G's gruff shout at Maggie and Toby. She shakes and hangs behind. I don't think she enjoys the walks at all. I don't know what to do about this. It's better when the other dogs aren't there but she's come to be afraid of G. Is this an indication of the depth of his anger. LouLou is generally very choosy.
So I've noticed how "in love" I feel and with this comes complete forgiveness and acceptance of everything. Is this healthy and wise? At the same time I think I detect a withdrawal from G. There are so many times when I'm going through the motions and actually questioning whether I even like him let alone love him. I love lots of people and I can feel love for him as the person he is but not love that I want to be with him. I start questioning his principles for example wanting to gossip about people and put them down. I don't like that. I used to dislike it about Simon and became quite contemptuous of this about him. I do it myself. I get drawn into it more though. When I want to be onside with G I will do it or if I want him to dislike someone because I'm jealous of them. I will buy into the gossip to add to his lowering opinion for example. It's jealousy. I did it with D, his friend. When he moaned about her I dug it deeper and I don't even know her. That's the motive from me. How ugly. These days I just listen and I do not indulge him further.
I would like to stop gossipping entirely. I am better and being silent. I need practice in changing the subject. I don't need to worry what people think about me changing the subject. I don;t need to make people feel uncomfortable because that would be the next motive. Make them feel bad about themselves for gossipping.
So there is this push and pull between G and I. He doesn't like so much tactility. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. It's on his terms. Do I accept that? Sometimes I can and sometimes I want it on my terms too. Can I put up with it being on his terms? Could I raise it with him? There will be times when it's possible to speak about these things. Sometimes I feel rejected when he doesn't want to touch.
He doesn't like it when I tell him I find him handsome. He said when he's believed that he's not handsome for his entire 59 plus years, not liking it is bound to be. But I like it when he fins me attractive even though most of the time I don't believe it. I am feeling better about myself some of the time though and so can allow that sort of thing to be said a little more easily. I look in the mirror and no longer think I am so ugly I should be put out of my misery. I no longer and overweight and so actually think I've got a pretty good body now. What a pity I wasn't able to find this food recovery earlier. But this was to be my journey and I'm incredibly grateful to have been directed in this way.

I do wonder though if I'm truly an alcoholic. G will sometimes say about a person he doubts that they are an alcoholic. I wonder what he really means about that. I have thought he means that the drinking has not been so bad after all. But I think he might also mean as says in the Big Book that it's more than the alcohol. There's more than the alcohol, it's a spiritual malady. Ad I read somewhere, I can't recall where now this list that describes the spiritual malady
1. restless, irritable and discontented (BB p.xxvi)
2. Having trouble with personal relationships
3. Not being able to control our emotional natures
4. Being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression
5. Not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life)
6. Having feelings of uselessness
7. Being full of fear
8. Unhappiness
9. Inability to be of real help to other people (BB p.52)
10. Being like the "actor who wants to run the whole show" (BB pp.60-61)
11. Being driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity (BB p.62)
12. Self-will run riot (BB p.62)
13. Leading a double life (BB p.62)
14. Living like a tornado running through the lives of others (BB p.82)
15. Exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.

These are the manifestations of SELFISHNESS and SELF-CENTREDNESS.

The point made in number 14, the Big Book says "The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have bee uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when says sobriety is enough.... There is along period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling ... won't fit the bill at all.
...asking  each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love."
And gosh how I need help with this. My struggle at this moment is taking this on board. For example in my chaos I was hopeless with finances and rested on my laurels that my mum would always bail me out. Even though I would know it would irritate the hell out of my father. My poor mum would have to be the negotiator with him. And I would know that it eroded yet more respect away on his part. So I'm not at all surprised that he didn't want to leave me anything in his Will. However, there is somewhere a balance for standing up for my rights. I don't really believe I have any rights because I was such a fool for so many years. But then again I can see that a lot of my behaviours were driven because I was deeply afraid. I had an arrogance that was steeped in a lack of any self worth. I was totally hedonistic and selfish. I thought only of myself and therefore acted in ways that were thoughtless of others. Sometimes I would consider for example my dads growing revulsion of me only to then become angry and of course I would blame. The same extremes as I'm osciallting between now. Either he's completely right in his negative judgement of me therefore I am totally a bad person. Or I'm right and therfore he is to blame and wrong. I've swung between these extremes for a liftetime.
And so when people are telling me to find ways to stand up for my rights with dignity, I seem to have to be casting aspersions about my father to make it okay for me to do this. But then I think of all the tings I have done and this means that I have no rights at all. I can not seem to find the balance. I am seeing a sort of Arc de Triomphe etoile. There are all of these roads leading into and away from the centre. The centre is balance and calm. The circle around it is where there is the greatest chaos with the roads leading to it jammed with thoughts. The roads leading away appear to be flowing.
So the raods leading into the centre are: my fathers part when I was a child, my behaviour as an adult (even when alcohol and drug free). During the years until maybe even 2011, I have not behaved well. It was improving with help from B and FA. I was beginning to show up but there was no real feeling of reconciliation for me. Even when he was approaching his death he was rude and angry with me.
Reconciliation for me would have been him being nice to me and including me finally. But no. I think reconciliation will finally be realising my father was a very unwell man. Really accepting it. I fight it because I still don't think his treatment of me as a child was real and that I have brought this all upon myself.
It WAS real. How can I actually get that and keep it? So some of it I exaggerated. But what is true was bad enough. I think some of my exaggeration was to keep the reality of my mum leabving me unattended and never stopping the situaitn. Even she thought it was me a lot of the time. It became me in later years but I was just a child.
So it's no wonder I find it difficult to accept him as he was. I always knew he was a liar and flirted with women. It was useful to know that other people know these things too. I always thought I was over stating such matters. I feel certain he was having an affair with Betty. My dad became so damning of Paul her husband. There was a look between them. And I've litle doubt my father had been flirting with T, later his wife, long before my mum was dead.
I am angry about these things. Raging, raoring, hating him. But you see this is one of the roads leading towards the star. There is this roar of rage which can quickly become hatred. There there is the conflict of wanting to love and forgive him. When I do that I have to put aside all that he did that was wrong. And so the turmoil begins again. Whre is the cenre in all of this?
I think it would be helpful to see a SC. But I can't afford it!!!
I need to get to the shops for food. And I need to do studying today. Nothing else. And here I am writing.
I am troubled by all of the roads leading to the centre. I can see the centre though. I think actually I'm in the real chaos now going around the centre. Crowded and all thoughts bumping into each other.
I would like to get to the centre of all of this. This would mean having knowledge tat my childhood was as it was and it wasn't okay. Being able to find love and forgiveness and discover how to stand up for my rights with what isn't okay for me. It was how it was and it wasn't okay. I don't need to blame somehow. I just need to say that I was never ever going to be enough for my fatjer. He didn't want a baby in the first place. Overcoming the fact that my mum was pregnant he was destroyed further when I was a girl. He told me this himself. I don't know why he told me. Perhaps he didn't know how not to. I wonder what hell he created for my mum when she said she was pregnant. I think my mum must have gone through a lot of turmoil. But she stayed and endured it. I remember the fighting just ebcause we were going out. I used to be scared but it was also normal. I didn;t think it was strange for example when Uncle R and Autie E were shouting. It was just the usual. I went along with sitting at the top of the stairs with L but in reality wondered what all the fuss was about. Similarly with the K's when we used to spy on her mum and F. I knew they were having an affair. I thought it was horrid for D but again it was usual for me.
It's bloody horrible and annying that this was the man my father was. It's damned frustrating that he got away with it right to his death. But I was never going to be able to stand up against him all the time he was alive. I am sad to say I was too scared. I want to learn how to stand up for myself and not be afarid anymore. I truly do.
I'm so easily hooked into being the victim and being sick. I want to be suicidal and dark because in that way I don;t have to face up to anything. I get there and don't even know what it is I can't face anymore. It's everything. Mainly I can't face myself and that I have been such a coward for so long.
I had an urge then to share this with G. But the purpose, the motive would have been so that he sees a strong me and not feel so sickened by me. You see how qucikly I am turning his possible off me times into it being about the person I am rather than him. When I'm off him it;s the things that I don;t like about him not him.
I don't want anyone to have any part of me they don't like you see. Because if they do they will decided to leave me and that invalidates anything that's good. I do not ahve the power over people to like all of me. No one can can they? I don't like all of anyone. So why should I expect the same fro others. I don't trust anyonw to be able to work through that though and expect to get abandoned. Therefore the less I see of them or the fruther away I can be the less hance there is of them discovering all me. This is a lack of intimacy.
I often feel that I've allowed myself to get beyond the aloofness and then they will discover me and not like me. It's better when I stay quiet and distant. But it's impossible.
When will I be okay being me and enjoy those people that also are okay with me being me.
I won;t leave people because I don't like all of them. I sometimes need some time away from them or a little space but I like the people I like and I think I always will. It will be them that walk away.
So G may be having a not so liking time of me. I will just let that be and get on with my own things. I've got plenty to do.
I pointed out to him some differences. I like getting up early and seem to need less sleep than him. He likes sleeping in late and going to ebd extraordinarily late. I like people he likes very few people. I like to socialise. I like going to London. He loaths cities and prefers not to socilaise. He is very choosy about people and doesn't like one of my very good friends M.
With him I feel much more courageous to go off and adventure abroad. he is wary of leaving all that is familiar and will not invest the courage in me. He likes to gossip and I don't. I like meetings, he doesn't unless there's a newcomer to help.
He is easily grumpy and it can be very consuming of the very air around him and bleeds over me too.

I felt certain that yesterday he was more withdrawn again. After a day on Saturday with complete lust. I wonder if it really is just about sex for G? And if it is then I don't want just that. He said that he sees us getting together from time to time and enjoying sex. He does want to go away for the weekend as well and did want me to join him and N for a walk yesterday. So I must keep a relaity check on that and stop buying into my distrust of men. Which of course comes from my father. Messages such as men only want one thing. Women always drop their knickers on a whim. Women are only good for one thing.
Watching him get disugusting with mum is imprinted on my mind. He wouls role his tongue backwards, biting down on it. Grimacing of course as a result and then grunting and breathing in and out heavily. He used to do it to me too. It was revolting. Graham Whelan did the same thing. I remember acknowledging that at the time but not making anymore of it until later years putting it into words.
Repulsive!
G is not these men and I do not think he is like that sexually. At least I don't have evidence of that so far. However, he does enjoy sex and so do I with him. So why not? So long as it's not the only thing between us.

Got to go. Got to got to go
Bliss
XX



 

Treasuring

Mohammed said "riches come not from an abundance of worldly goods but from a contented mind."

Shakepeare said "my crown is in my heart, not on my head, not decked with diamonds or Indian stones. Not to be seen my crown is called content. A crown it is that kings seldom enjoy."

Buddha said "contentment is the most excellent wealth"

Nagarjuna (great Indian Master) said "there is no treasure like contentment".... "of all the taps of wealth, it is contentment which beset by the gods of men to be the most supreme. Try for contentment and should you achieve it, even without material wealth, you will truly have found your fortune."

It's how we were, my father and I. But I was a child - he did things to me and treated me in ways that were harsh and inappropriate for a child. I did things in adulthood too. Things I am very sorry about today and work constantly to move away from. I feel as if I'm being punished for that now by my father. But that is the way he worked. I am bound to feel terrible not only as I crossed my own principles but also because my father would never be able to forgive. He did not have the capacity. Also right from the beginning of my time I was being attuned to the idea that I was imperfect and bad.
It's difficult for me to be able to stand up and say this is not okay. Of course it is because that's been set up from the beginning. I had all rights taken from me from the start. I was wrong he was always right. There was no room for me to be me and that would be okay.
I'm just going to see if I have a case. Sticking up for myself is terrifying because I come from an abusive background. I have such little self-worth.
If there is a way to stand up for myself. Am I justified? But at least I ca

Our feelings are our feelings but I can easily get caught up in the rights and wrongs. This in turn can be a way of avoiding the feelings. I start thinking.

The only way is through. The more I tried to go around it all the harder it gets and the more complicated it gets. I can be addicted to thinking as much as anything else.
It gets back to quiet time, meditation. The time when I release emotions is sometimes through others situations, watching TV or when someone is compassionate.
Conclusive episodes is what I want. But that's not going to happen, it's a process. And when I can accept it's all a process there is a relief and freedom. I can be gentle with myself.

Bliss
XX

 

Unkind People

 I think this morning I have got some clarity. It's been a long time coming. And it's required me to really hang on.  Thank you God for the strength to hang on in there and the clarity that's being given.
Suddenly things lifted when I realised I need to make amends to G. I can so easily sit in judgement and then be blind to me. I want to make amends for acting in the emotion when I asked him to leave. I am very touchy, sensitive and when he said "and there are grey areas around your dad too" I flipped.
And no doubt he will sense my uncertainty about our relationship. I am uncertain. I am not sure if I want to be with someone who appears to have so many issues. It's my opinion. And I see that it's possible that my issues will pick up on his issues and the result is obliteration.
I appreciate how he stood by me during the most difficult of times recently. And how I'm wanting him to continue to be sensitive to my sensitivity. It can be so destroying and I never ever mean to be unkind and hurtful. Sometimes I don't even know I have been and only blame. Then it's even harder because I want G to change and it's all about me me me getting what I want and need. I am thoughtless at times. Other time I think I'm overly considerate. Either way it ends up me being intense and thinking it's all about me.
I do oscillate about this relationship. I want all that's good and falter with things when they are difficult. I am not always sure I find G attractive and yet other times I just see him and feel utter attraction. I would prefer to be with someone who is working and earning reasonable money. I know I have an odd relationship with money. I despise it and want for equality but in this unequal society I want and I feel jealous of those who have. So I think that contributes. I wonder if I'd have the courage to say that to G. It's not a judgement of him but I don't think it would be helpful. It's the truth though and there must be a way of saying it gently and with love. What else? I do find myself getting drawn into mood shifts. I have them too - this period has been a fine example of it. I'm less tactile, far more sensitive, I'm much more irritable and discontented abut everything. I know this disperses into every other area. I just can't see it completely. I'm unaware how others get affected. Some are more in the firing line or more sensitive to me as well. I am sorry for that. I continue to work at it. The more distant people are the less they are likely to be impacted upon. G has been up close and personal and so I appreciate he will have taken the brunt.
It doesn't detract from the fact that there are things about him I'm unsure about. I don't like his judgement of others when it's so negative, his instant dislike of people, his lack of sociability. I don't like his deceitfulness, I end up distrusting. If he can lie to them he can lie to me very easily too. And he has said he only tells me what I need to know. I guess I do the same but mainly because he react so badly, distrusts and punishes me in little ways. He can be spiteful. I understand where it all comes from in a lot of ways but that doesn't mean it's alright to be on the receiving end of all the time. And it seems that he doesn't want to alter that in any way. He wants to find peace and contentment by himself - away from people. That saddens me. I'd like to find peace and contentment with him. Maybe it's either accepting him just the way he is and this is when I start battling and thinking I'm in the wrong. How long can I keep going trying to accept before we destroy each other entirely and there's no room for friendship. It ended early enough with JB for there to be friendship which I think will be everlasting.

And then there's this ...... I missed not being able to text someone and say exactly what I saw and felt joy. I love being able to do that with G or anyone actually but especially with someone who is responsive and feels the same way often. But there are also times when I just want contact because it's better than not ... that's not good friendship.
So when I saw this this morning it really resonated. And I wouldn't want G or anyone doing that to me. Of course there's an element of wanting people so keeping in contact but that can be too much over the top and then it's unhealthy.



It would be nice if there were people who were reading this Blog and would comment with their thoughts experiences and opinions. It would make it more dynamic somehow. However, I don't want people I know closely to be reading it as often it's about them and very personal and unthought through. When I get to seeing me is when it's okay. When I'm blaming it's not okay. If you know what I mean. The blaming is not the real me it's the angry hurt me.


Bliss
XX

Reconciling the Plateau

I saw a woman today. Very neat, in fact well presented but ageing. Probably in her 60's she looked great but ageing. And for a minute I felt great until I thought how I will be when I'm looking that age. And am that age.
I went through a few years of real grief and horror actually around the ageing process. It was during the hormonal changes as well which I never know whether to say when I was menopausal or am I in menopause now coz it's all over bar the singing. Who knows? Anyway during that time the ageing situation seemed horrendous. And then I read something like this above which was posted  by my Auntie whose daughter died just over a year ago aged just 42 years of age. Another one who died around her birthday. I do see a general pattern to this. My dad died 18 days before his birthday. My mum died a month after her birthday. My Nana died just after her birthday in March 1973. And so on.
Anyhow I an gloat about older woman and then remember that I will get there. And actually I love what this little Buddhist script says. Be grateful for getting older as it's a privilege not afforded to everyone. Some people die so young. My mum was young really, compared with life expectancy these days. My dad was nearly 85 yrs of age. I feel sad at moments but mainly I feel so much anger and am glad he's dead. The loss I feel is for the inheritance I didn't get. Am I really surprised? No, not at all. He didn't like me, had little respect for me. And in some moments I think that's what I deserved because I have been in my using a complete idiot. Thank goodness for the programme of recovery because I have a chance of not dying in the mess my dad has died in - so much hurt and resentment. It's all with me but it's related to him.

Anyway I can't be bothered to write anymore about this tonight. I'm tired ft if, tired of me and tired after a busy day. I am having increasing thoughts of being tired of living.
Imagine if my legacy was this Blog. There would be a few surprised people. I must leave notice somewhere of it. The truth may be best kept to myself. Or maybe someone like JB would make use of this to write a story. I think I will leave the Blog to him. Even the bits about him. I wouldn't want him to be hurt though as JB is truly a nice man. Infuriating but truly a kind heart.

Which is more than I can feel for G right now. He's keeping a sort of text contact but yesterday said he didn't want to talk long. He said the novelty has worn off and we know each other now. I am lead to wonder then if he needs that thrill and starting a novelty somewhere else. I am very untrusting. But something tells me that something has radically changed in recent days. One minute we were talking fine and the next a real mood and withdrawal. I am withdrawing too feeling unsafe. I think we are actually destroying anything that's been good and that truly saddens me. It's then that my heart longs and hurts. And yet he's manner can be cutting and nasty. His moods are tiresome. He's deceitfulness leaves me feeling suspicious. Understandably then that M might be suspicious of me. If I can lie about one thing to someone I am capable of it anywhere. And I think the same about G. He is deceitful with D. She suspects and of course so do I. He told me anyway that I am told what I need to know.
That's no way for me to relate with someone. There I am listening to someone torn in a relationship that is ruining her life and I am thinking I do the very same thing. I do want to read Enduring Love.
When will I make a decision that's right for me. Please Universe show me what to do and how to do it so that there is limited damage please. You are showing me time and time again that this isn't right for me. Then I doubt me thinking I am being unreasonable all the time.
Phew it's hard being me and hence I really just want to give up trying anymore. A cosy death seems favourable Universe. Is this how it's meant to be?
I am grateful for a good days therapy.  am grateful for a chat with IC. He reminded me how I need to take care of myself and not get absorbed in the work to heal me.
It's just incredibly difficult right now.
Oh and there might be people gossipping because of photos on FB. Well that'll truly piss G off. I think I will remove them


Bliss
XX

Grasping at water

I feel like shit!
I think it would be easier to stop trying to live in this world. It just feels too flipping difficult!
I've felt like this before and come through it. I've even had wonderful times. BUT it doesn't last.
Today I learnt from the solicitor that there is no basis for contesting my dads will. Now I feel injustice and helplessness. It's just awful
And amidst and troubled conversation with G he said that he doesn't want to talk long - the novelty has worn off. We've got to know each other now. It's a woman's thing talking at length.
So the novelty has worn off. I think for him it ma actually be over. Which is fine. It's changeable. It will be him ending the relationship and that's what I've wanted. In that way he changes the story. He will no doubt have all the reasons why he had to end it because of me but it is actually a change from women ending it with him.
Funny thing is I hate that it's not me making the decision and yet I've been questioning it for ages now. I don;t like the way he is grumpy with me. Whether it is me or not that's contributed to how he's feeling it's never clear. He's sulky and silent. He has this relationship with D and that's not really okay. He is so flipping sensitive there can be now way through things. All in all it doesn't look good. He's a nice man BUT ...................
I hate losing the things I like and I wanted to be wanted but blimey how many times have I been here. And in this relationship it's been on/off/on/off. I feel love for the man. BUT ......
I look at him and see some attraction some of the time. Other times I just don't. I have had a wonderful sensual time with hi. BUT .....
Well right now I want to stay focused on the things that aren't good about this encounter. Because when I start writing all that's good my heart melts. He's is a good man in so many ways.
BUT ...........


I feel such loss. NOT for my father. Good riddance. And that's my anger. I feel resentment even hatred for him. I want to feel love and forgiveness. Please Universe help me, show me, guide me.
I want to hold out hope but truthfully I know there is none. I remember when my mum first died, I kept suddenly realising she wasn't ever, ever coming back. It seemed impossible at times and I expected to hear from her or see her. And it's the same with the money. I keep thinking it's not true and something will resolve. But it won't. This is it.
It's horrible.
I feel deflated and I am not sure I can go on. I feel as if I've been holding it together for my entire life only for my father to do this to me.
What on earth was on his mind?
He was a very nasty, unkind man. I wonder why I am surrounded by unkindness. My father, his wife and men I have met and so on and so on. And when I am writing that I think it's just me, how I perceive things.

So ...... I don;t want G to not be liking me. That feels awful. I don't dislike him. I wish people didn't decide to dislike me. Am I really that unlikeable? If so then there really is no reason to go on living. I am trying to hold on to the fact that there are people who are always there regardless. E, R, A and G,.
My dad hated me - it's so hard to live with that. And here's more evidence with G that I am unlikeable. That I fuck everything up.
I cannot carry on like this. There either has to be a corner in the world where I can go and it will be okay. Yet I know that there is no such place - it's in my heart and soul but I cannot find it there either.

Universe help me. Truly help me - I need help to die or find a way through this.

Fuck it hurts in my heart and soul. How many more times can my heart and soul be so devastated.
I want to feel grateful for life and I just don't.

Bliss
X

Justice needs more than judgement and time

Without music, man is little more than a stone - Martin Luther 15th century monk. And I write that having started to watch the documentary about Bach's life on BBC. I fell asleep. Bach was influenced by Luther it seems but I was actually nodding off by that time. So I will revisit it when I've finished writing. Anything other than start studying. I love Bach's music; vibrant and sometimes enchanting. How could he hear what it would sound like with a choir or an orchestra? Do today's musicians hear how it will sound with the other instruments. When listening to David Bowie's band talk about sitting together and bringing their instruments into the piece, I started thinking that it's not really then David Bowie's idea in fullness, they all are part of the creation from nearly the initial idea. But ... perhaps that's just how it has to be. I will ask Liz today about her music writing process. I do love Toccata and Fugue, especially the building up getting higher and higher ad then reaching the pinnacle. At that point I want to go or stay there. But we have to come down.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ho9rZjlsyYY

I had a lovely day yesterday. I have an underlying melancholy but can enjoy myself nonetheless.
I was enjoying texts with G. But then when he called he was in a grumpy mood I could tell. My immediate reaction was to pull back, fed up with the change in him when I had been so looking forward to speaking with him. He didn't really want to talk. I am suspecting he was angry because of the photos I sent of him with me messing around with bunny ears on. Who knows as he won't talk about what had made him angry. And in truth it's probably best as it's his issue if it's about me.
Anyway I think fuck off ad start to pull back. But not being in the same place it's so much easier to have some time. And wrote too. So what would you do?
My immediate reaction is to say why can't you just be even tempered and not get angry over the most ridiculous things. I wondered all sorts of things. So firstly I need to stop. It doesn't matter what he's angry about this time unless he tells me. Should I ask or not? I don't really know the answer to that question.
Anyhow it's clear I just let him be with this. He said he didn't really want to talk so that was easy too as we weren't together. I was hurt and disappointed and then fed up with it. Do I tell him that? I don't know. I guess perhaps if there's an opportunity to talk when he's not angry then I could mention it to him. It could be a number of reasons - it could be Di, it could be me, it could be his health, it could be blah blah blah. Who knows? The thing is it's not me who's made him angry it is the way he does or doesn't deal with life as it hits him.
Now me in this. It's interesting how I want to withdraw. It is tiresome for me when he is up and down in mood. One minute nice and the next it feels as if he's throwing me away. That was how it felt with my dad too. But he would gradually reel me in and then appear to toss me back out to sea. It never felt safe with my dad. Why should it? Is it anyone else's job to be consistent for me. That's when I take it personally and expect them to be how I want them to be.
So G is this way. I want him to be considerate of me but why should he be. I can be considerate of him much easier from afar and with some time. So there it is. If we have too much time together I'm not able to deal well with his changeable moods and seemingly ease with which he can be angered. I get tired and agitated by him. So today I am thinking don't bloody bother calling him.
I notice how I try and work out what it is he's angry about because then I can try and correct it. I want to be a good girl instead of just being me. I have done nothing wrong. We weren't together so I arranged things to do and accepted invites to see my friends. I didn't want to be spending time alone over these four days. I need people at the moment and to feel included. I need to feel loved. And yet I also have the choice of being at home by myself too. It's a luxury.
I wasn't able to tell G exactly at what time I would be free after seeing L today. I think I would feel a little insecure about that. I think what I will do is say that I will leave there by 5 - that's a good time for lunch and a walk and then perhaps G and I can meet for a walk too. I will take LouLou's food and water. Yes I would much prefer a bit of certainty and a sense that G wanted to see me. I think I was perhaps too nonchalant. And yesterday I didn't want him involved with the Barber's really. I did at first thinking it would be nice that he joins in. I'd like him to be a part of my family but he's so unsociable and can be rude if he doesn't like people. I don;t want to risk that rudeness as it does without doubt reflect upon me whether he likes it or not. But being impulsive and thinking happy family type thoughts I then realised I didn't want him too late after accepting his suggestion.
Now if I was able to find a nicer way of saying it I could have said something to the effect that it was a lovely idea but I would be concerned that he would be irritated by someone and then be rude. How on earth could I say that any easier. He takes a dislike so easily without really knowing a person fully. One little thing will make him curt. And I don't like that. My dad was like that but with everyone really. I just feel on edge and have done all my life with my dad. Will he be nice or will he be rude. The not knowing is so unpleasant and the experience of discomfort is even worse. Why? It's his issue. But it's not nice seeing other people confused and offended. There is just then an atmosphere and then people wouldn't want to see me and then it's just complicated and awkward to make arrangements. These are the things that make me wonder whether I want to be with him or not.
Now I say I love him but I don't like this about him. Is this reason enough to to be with the man I say I love? I don't know. Is his grumpy way of dealing with it reason enough to leave? I don't know. Is the way he retaliates with similar treatment rather than talk about enough to leave? I don't know. But the way he does that is quite enlightening for me. He doesn't always get it right though. He gets nasty and vicious with it too.
Last week when throwing everything back at me because he felt tings were being thrown back at him were all based on his own dislikes of what I was deciding to do. But he;s backtracked on that too. There is some issue about sexuality in particular with homosexual men.When driving back from Devon he mocked my gay friends without even knowing them. He is really angry with gay men. From what he's said I do understand. And he has a belief that a man can be made gay. I wonder if there is an issue around his own sexuality as he struggles with sex with a woman yet he loves to be with women. He has more female contacts than men. Do I want to be with someone with all these issues? Or questions around issues? I don't really but I love G.
I don't want him to be out of my life but I don't want all these difficulties either. I don't want to be poor and yet I am expecting him to be able to provide the dough as I'm such a low earner. My money is just enough to keep me going but that's it, there's no room for luxury within that. I want to be able to travel and be comfortable with buying things as required and not worrying about money. Why should anyone else be responsible for that? And with that question in my mind or my attitude to want to meet someone with money then the motive is all wrong in the first place.
Anyway I'm really uncertain about G. When I'm with him and it's lovely I just can't see a reason not t be with hi the person. But when I start thinking about all these other things I'm just so uncertain. He's got a lot of issues and so have I. I expect him to see and understand me yet I want him to be all okay. He's already warned me he's not a rock! He's so very aware. And yet he doesn't want to do anymore work on him.
I am sorry for my impulsiveness yesterday and then not seeing it through with honesty. I think it would have been hurtful to say actually I don't want you to come along and yet truthful if I could have explained why. Would that be too much for his sensitive soul? I don't know. I am still too scared to really be direct with people. And it's my perception of things and my discomfort. I can own that I suppose.
It was similar with PW. I realised as I listened to him all afternoon, from 12:30 until 17:30, just how much money and status meant to him and yet he was trying to say it didn't matter in some ways. It mattered wholly. He talked about how much he had and who he knew ad so on. It was a side of him I didn't like. And oddly as I'm sitting here talking about G making judgements and dismissing people for just one thing, I could easily do the same with PW. I need to listen to my instincts but not over react to them. I would take instant dislikes without really knowing why. And I would also make mistakes about individuals; I could get to like someone just because someone else I respected or liked or wanted to "keep" liked someone. It was jealousy. And I could easily end up having a close friend that I actually didn't like. Or I could dismiss someone for similar reasons. Or I could dismiss someone if I felt they had dismissed me. And so on.
As I know to really give someone justice they need time. But time isn't the only thing. Sometimes there is more information available and that can also contribute to giving someone justice. I would like the same myself. I make mistakes but that's not all of me. And if someone judges me by my mistakes then they are missing out on a whole heap of good things. My dad judged me on my mistakes and could then never see beyond that. And I've not liked that about him on my behalf. So I would like to try and give people time when it's possible. I can like the goodness in everyone. With PW he wants to do good with his money. I think the real turning point for me was listening to his dislike of his children. How they weren't going to inherit because he saw his daughter and partner as takers ad not very bright. Reminded me of me in my dad's eyes. His second son wouldn't inherit because he's made his own fortunes working for Apple. His third son has actually cut off contact with everyone. I wonder if it's just with PW but actually I think he is an honest man so there's no reason to doubt that actually.So he will not leave any money to his children and it's all going to his wife S or to a school. He wants to be an anonymous donator to offer educational scholarships to the school. Now that's a real credit to him since he himself received a scholarship. And he absconded to join the army at 14 years of age so in effect there was an accusation of theft apparently. The school approached his parents who really did not have any money at all. How he's worked hard to change his fortunes. And he's a very clever man that's plain to see.
I'm sort of jealous of his good fortune through his life but I always think a person does actually make their fortune. I've been on a hedonistic trail - anything for the easy fun life. Escaping from responsibility.
So here I am in my bed and having to lie in it. Why should anyone else bail me out of it. I used to think it was my right that my parents helped me out. Other parents helped their kids out. I'm not sure other kids messed up like I did. So I have had a hard lesson. And the denial lesson has been my dad disinheriting me. I thought I might at least be comfortable through my parents efforts but no!
Last laugh on him therefore. I have to laugh to really. Anyway I've sent some information off to the solicitor and lets see if he thinks there is good enough reason to contest. If he says yes then I'll try and find a good No Win No Fee solicitor depending on their charges. If he says no I will let go of it. And work through the hurt and the fact that I am poor and probably will remain so. Instead of longing I need to settle into being grateful for what I've got and work hard to keep it now.
BUt that doesn;'t answer the situation with G completely. The man I really like is not always present. Ther are other parts to him that I'm not sure I truly do like. His moodiness is one, his negative judgement of people another, his disinclination to work is another, his untidiness another (not that I'm tidy but he's worse). His disregard for cleanliness in people's homes, not wanting to wear clothes to look good at all. These are things I regard and don't like.
I love his intelligence and sense of humour. I like his self awareness. I like the way he likes people, it's good and strong. I like his interests and the way he shares them without prejudice. I like his consideration of me and his generosity with what he does have.
I don't know if I like enough about him or whether I just like the idea of liking him. I don't know.
His grumpiness leaves me more in questions than when he's being nice. It's good to have this distance.
I wonder what dating really means. I wonder about me in all of this. I want him to be well and able to deal with life and yet what about me in this?
How ma I in the relationship? I'm not entirely honest as was the case yesterday. There was nothing I needed to hide from him yet I didn't say that I didn't want to meet up with him. Fear of offending him and then him rejecting me and the choice of being in the relationship being taken away once and for all.

Oh and I'm off the AWOL again. This time for having eaten my courses with too long a break between them. I had done it before but had mentioned it to someone else on Tuesday so told my sponsor. She considered it a break of my abstinence and that means back to Day 1 and off the AWOL. Now I do think it's severe. But abstinence is abstinence. There's no degrees of abstinence. And if I get away with something then it's me not being respectful of a situation, not really taking it seriously. And that's insanity. I know this food addiction has complete power over me. Just yesterday I was thinking "fuck it" and several time felt tempted by all the foods; chocolate, cakes, creamy potatoes and other lovely dishes. Somehow I got through it without making any calls. Today I need to get honest. I started with T by Viber text. And I will tell my sponsor and I'm writing it down. I wasn't going to say anything at the AA meeting where I'm now secretary for the next 3 weeks. But now I will and take this 90 days seriously. No sharing, no eating out, no going away. Let's get really serious about this otherwise there is room for a full blown binge here. And just goes to show the extent of my denial as I was thinking well it's not really a relapse, justifying it as fear that had caused me to eat. It always is something that drives the "eat addictively" fear, denial, anger, sadness and so on. Right now I have a lot going on. Discovering things about my dad has not been pleasant. And hearing that my mum was confronted about taking better care of me was unpleasant too. I feel as if my world has turned upside down. My mum must have known that tings weren't all they should be between my dad and I but she was probably already used to him being the way he was. She had decided to stay with it. I do ask why? And here I am wondering whether to stay but you see I think a lot of it is about me being problematic and difficult.
And then I'm feeling a buffoon at work, making silly mistakes and feeling as if I'm lazy.
Then there's all this topsy turvy with G.
What else? Oh ongong uncertainty with M and always trying to get it right with her too.
I just want to let go of all of this. My tendency is to run but really I just need to let go. People are how they are. And I can be how I am. I'm not a bad person even though I spend my unwaking moments thinking and acting as if I am. I am doing my best.
So the reality is that I just don't know. In my faffing around G may get a sense of it. I'm toing and foring and he may well get fed up with it. It's not fair to him. I should either pull out or get in and stay in. I want to do neither. So what can I do from here?
Please Universe show me what to do and how to be? In the gentlest of ways please as I am so flipping fragile.
I'm unsure about everything. I don;t want to be here. I don;t want anything I ahve and want everything I don;t have. I don't even want to be me. I don;t want to have to go out and be friendly. I don't want to stay in alone.
I feel in a state. I think I've written myself into it. with all the I don't knows.
What I do know is it's time for breakfast. I do know I need to preapre my meals, lunch and dinner which means some cooking is required as well. I do know I need to get washed and dressed. I do know I need to feed LouLou and I do know I need to do some studying. It's now 8:50. I will have breakfast and then call G at 9:15. I will then get washed and dressed by which time it will probably be  10:00 and with 15 mins quiet time I can then be studying at 10:30. I will take breaks to get my meals ready. And then leave here at 12:15. I will spend the afternoon with L and if G wants to meet with him for a few hours too. We can meet for a walk. He is okay with not respecting his "best friends" wishes. And that's another thing that makes me wonder about him. He so likes her and needs her and yet lies to her and doesn;t respect her wishes just because he doesn't agree with them. I really don't like all this in myself let alone in someone else.
What am I doing with him? Is it me accepting crumbs?
What is it I do wnat in a person? Someone who can cherish me number 1. Someone who respects me and feels love for me. Someone who is further down the line of self unserstanding and who can be patient with me and respect my desire to improve. Someone who likes people and loves people despite all the wrongs as I'm trying to do despite my judgements. Someone how is funny and intelligent and bright but without grandiosity. Someone who is loyal to me and trustworthy. Someone who is following a spiritual practice. Someone who inspires me and who is inspired by me. Someone who will be loved by me. Someone with some money and a good working ethic. Someone who is sharing as well as caring. Someone who welcomes friend and social gatherings. Someone who enjoys their own time an quiet time for just both of us and someone who can let me have my own time too. Someone who is charming and funny.Someone who will tolerate my quirks and is quirky themself. Smeone who has their own interests and interests we can share.
There will be other things.
I need to eat breakfast and stop writing.
I am grateful today for good friends who want to invite me along to be with them. Thanks you the B's yesterday. I am grateful for this roof over my head and central heating and food in my cupboiards. I am grateful that there are people in my life to interreact with. I am grateful for G. He is a wonderful man. I am grateful for LouLou and her little ways. I am grateful for a laptop. I am grateful for FA and food recovery. I am grateful for the sunshine and the rain and the wind and the cold. It all has it's purpose and none of it is in the control of man. It is what it is. I am grateful for Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo's books. I am grateful for the idea to go an see her in the nunnery.
I am grateful full stop.
Bliss
XX










 

Catterwalling

What a great word!

 Dr King's polite command after seriously compromising the baddies in the great Western Django Unchained. Tarantino truly is a master, time and again. He seems to have a knack for the tongue in cheek seriousness of extreme situations. His composition is gripping, the colours, the use of music, the characters and plot, the actors he selects. Yes he has something that is definitely working for me. I don't suppose everyone likes his style. I can't imagine for instance my father seeing what I see in it. I loved Samuel L's character. Did Tarantino appear? I wasn't that observant. I might have to have a re-run on the look out. Or I could Google-cheat.

Anyway I think I've had my fill of catterwalling for the time being. Yesterday I felt quite melancholy but at the same time enjoying the company of my very good friends A and M. It was an easy day. I could be how I felt and that included laughter, love and appreciation. Baby R is delightful and I asked for a cuddle. I am not great with babies so it was her privilege but really it was mine and a great honour that she sat with me wriggling and gurgling for a little while. That was enough. I am there and looking forward to being along this journey with A.

Through last week I was reaching a crescendo of my anger. It was inappropriate the way I told Auntie O and was kind of a wake up call. I'm not always in control when in anger and that's what scares me about anger I think. It's difficult to remain gracious and rational in anger. If I don't allow it though it turns inwards and I can become very low very quickly. This can result in a complete inertia. I want to stick with my commitments this weekend. All but the studying it seems. I am meeting up as arranged and even being flexible when others want to change or some time. I have been invited to many different social gatherings and that's so lovely. How lucky I am.

Friday was time with G which I loved. I think if we can date for a while and see how things develop there is hope for us. Yesterday A and M and then an evening at home, chilly but with Val Doonican and Django Unchained and FB. Bloody FB; I become addicted so quickly. Today I am lunching with A and G and R and C is joining them with her family. The gals and I are meeting for a walk with the doggies beforehand. I'm taking my food as usual.

I announced to G yesterday that I had a break between courses the other day. I am back at Day 1. I hope this doesn't mean I have to depart from the new AWOL. I am liking the UK phone number for cost reductions and also the fact its on a Thurs at 9pm. Although I have fallen asleep a fair bit. I need earlier nights and hope that will happen with G here less. We must avoid late night calls. He will have to be more responsible for his home unless this drives him to spend even more time with D. It will be his choice I suppose. It is so frustrating that his "illness" creates these choices in him. Frustrating is an understatement. And I guess others will see that in me too. I am guided to make decisions that are not entirely thought through and without historical sub conscious motives. He just doesn't want to take responsibility for certain things. And that means he chooses ways that are not conducive to us having a future together. And yet I love him I realise. Bloody hell. It is a dilemma.

Anyway tomorrow I have plans to meet L for lunch and then suggested to G I meet up with him on the way back home. He keeps mockingly saying "when I allowed back to your place". I have set the rule though. I want to talk to him about my needs. I need some space and time. I do not want smoking in my flat and I'd prefer if when we're together he didn't spend quite as much time on his gadget - the new phone! It's been tedious but he's learnt it I'll give him that. And now he's bored of it wanting the next model with better facilities. Gosh! He's such an addict ha ha ha. Says I addicted to technology in my own way too.

I started to talk about my mum but felt so tearful and yesterday I just didn't want to be outwardly tearful. I feel more contemplative. And that's okay.

I need to tell G this morning in our sponsor call that I'd like to date G. I don't want her telling me not to and will say that this is a choice. It is an up and down relationship and I do have misgivings about the way he is. But I also love him. And perhaps this is the only way I can discover. Perhaps this is the process itself. Can she go along with me on this? I am teetering on leaving FA again. It's just so unforgiving in so many ways. And yet I don't want to. If I have to leave the AWOL I will reconsider my position. But those that have left I hear how the food starts to take over again ad to be honest I really enjoy the freedom from food that I have. I just think there is no flexibility and sometimes there can be. But I suppose there is the fact that I did take things into my own control - self-will run riot again. And if there are no consequences perhaps I don't learn to prioritise. However, if I didn't know it seems like a harsh punishment to me. There is no give at all. Okay, I will take the "punishment" but not happily and with a deflated feel to go with it.

 

Oh my gosh! I need to go an get showered, prepare my meal and speak with G all by 10 and its 9:07. I'm so not in a hurry with anything. I have writing and creative things occurring in my thoughts and less doing. I haven't had my quiet time wither. I will do that at some time today. I really do value it.

And I did see Tarantino - without having to cheat. I just hadn't seen it all the way through. DOH!

 

 

 

Cast Jamie Foxx Kerry Washington Leonardo DiCaprio Walton Goggins Christoph Waltz Samuel L. Jackson Don Johnson

Directors Quentin Tarantino

Screenwriters Quentin Tarantino Bliss xx