Well yesterday I met with G and his friend N. We went for a walk near Trotton. LouLou is so scared of G's gruff shout at Maggie and Toby. She shakes and hangs behind. I don't think she enjoys the walks at all. I don't know what to do about this. It's better when the other dogs aren't there but she's come to be afraid of G. Is this an indication of the depth of his anger. LouLou is generally very choosy.
So I've noticed how "in love" I feel and with this comes complete forgiveness and acceptance of everything. Is this healthy and wise? At the same time I think I detect a withdrawal from G. There are so many times when I'm going through the motions and actually questioning whether I even like him let alone love him. I love lots of people and I can feel love for him as the person he is but not love that I want to be with him. I start questioning his principles for example wanting to gossip about people and put them down. I don't like that. I used to dislike it about Simon and became quite contemptuous of this about him. I do it myself. I get drawn into it more though. When I want to be onside with G I will do it or if I want him to dislike someone because I'm jealous of them. I will buy into the gossip to add to his lowering opinion for example. It's jealousy. I did it with D, his friend. When he moaned about her I dug it deeper and I don't even know her. That's the motive from me. How ugly. These days I just listen and I do not indulge him further.
I would like to stop gossipping entirely. I am better and being silent. I need practice in changing the subject. I don't need to worry what people think about me changing the subject. I don;t need to make people feel uncomfortable because that would be the next motive. Make them feel bad about themselves for gossipping.
So there is this push and pull between G and I. He doesn't like so much tactility. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. It's on his terms. Do I accept that? Sometimes I can and sometimes I want it on my terms too. Can I put up with it being on his terms? Could I raise it with him? There will be times when it's possible to speak about these things. Sometimes I feel rejected when he doesn't want to touch.
He doesn't like it when I tell him I find him handsome. He said when he's believed that he's not handsome for his entire 59 plus years, not liking it is bound to be. But I like it when he fins me attractive even though most of the time I don't believe it. I am feeling better about myself some of the time though and so can allow that sort of thing to be said a little more easily. I look in the mirror and no longer think I am so ugly I should be put out of my misery. I no longer and overweight and so actually think I've got a pretty good body now. What a pity I wasn't able to find this food recovery earlier. But this was to be my journey and I'm incredibly grateful to have been directed in this way.
I do wonder though if I'm truly an alcoholic. G will sometimes say about a person he doubts that they are an alcoholic. I wonder what he really means about that. I have thought he means that the drinking has not been so bad after all. But I think he might also mean as says in the Big Book that it's more than the alcohol. There's more than the alcohol, it's a spiritual malady. Ad I read somewhere, I can't recall where now this list that describes the spiritual malady
1. restless, irritable and discontented (BB p.xxvi)
2. Having trouble with personal relationships
3. Not being able to control our emotional natures
4. Being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression
5. Not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life)
6. Having feelings of uselessness
7. Being full of fear
8. Unhappiness
9. Inability to be of real help to other people (BB p.52)
10. Being like the "actor who wants to run the whole show" (BB pp.60-61)
11. Being driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity (BB p.62)
12. Self-will run riot (BB p.62)
13. Leading a double life (BB p.62)
14. Living like a tornado running through the lives of others (BB p.82)
15. Exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.
These are the manifestations of SELFISHNESS and SELF-CENTREDNESS.
The point made in number 14, the Big Book says "The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have bee uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when says sobriety is enough.... There is along period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling ... won't fit the bill at all.
...asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love."
And gosh how I need help with this. My struggle at this moment is taking this on board. For example in my chaos I was hopeless with finances and rested on my laurels that my mum would always bail me out. Even though I would know it would irritate the hell out of my father. My poor mum would have to be the negotiator with him. And I would know that it eroded yet more respect away on his part. So I'm not at all surprised that he didn't want to leave me anything in his Will. However, there is somewhere a balance for standing up for my rights. I don't really believe I have any rights because I was such a fool for so many years. But then again I can see that a lot of my behaviours were driven because I was deeply afraid. I had an arrogance that was steeped in a lack of any self worth. I was totally hedonistic and selfish. I thought only of myself and therefore acted in ways that were thoughtless of others. Sometimes I would consider for example my dads growing revulsion of me only to then become angry and of course I would blame. The same extremes as I'm osciallting between now. Either he's completely right in his negative judgement of me therefore I am totally a bad person. Or I'm right and therfore he is to blame and wrong. I've swung between these extremes for a liftetime.
And so when people are telling me to find ways to stand up for my rights with dignity, I seem to have to be casting aspersions about my father to make it okay for me to do this. But then I think of all the tings I have done and this means that I have no rights at all. I can not seem to find the balance. I am seeing a sort of Arc de Triomphe etoile. There are all of these roads leading into and away from the centre. The centre is balance and calm. The circle around it is where there is the greatest chaos with the roads leading to it jammed with thoughts. The roads leading away appear to be flowing.
So the raods leading into the centre are: my fathers part when I was a child, my behaviour as an adult (even when alcohol and drug free). During the years until maybe even 2011, I have not behaved well. It was improving with help from B and FA. I was beginning to show up but there was no real feeling of reconciliation for me. Even when he was approaching his death he was rude and angry with me.
Reconciliation for me would have been him being nice to me and including me finally. But no. I think reconciliation will finally be realising my father was a very unwell man. Really accepting it. I fight it because I still don't think his treatment of me as a child was real and that I have brought this all upon myself.
It WAS real. How can I actually get that and keep it? So some of it I exaggerated. But what is true was bad enough. I think some of my exaggeration was to keep the reality of my mum leabving me unattended and never stopping the situaitn. Even she thought it was me a lot of the time. It became me in later years but I was just a child.
So it's no wonder I find it difficult to accept him as he was. I always knew he was a liar and flirted with women. It was useful to know that other people know these things too. I always thought I was over stating such matters. I feel certain he was having an affair with Betty. My dad became so damning of Paul her husband. There was a look between them. And I've litle doubt my father had been flirting with T, later his wife, long before my mum was dead.
I am angry about these things. Raging, raoring, hating him. But you see this is one of the roads leading towards the star. There is this roar of rage which can quickly become hatred. There there is the conflict of wanting to love and forgive him. When I do that I have to put aside all that he did that was wrong. And so the turmoil begins again. Whre is the cenre in all of this?
I think it would be helpful to see a SC. But I can't afford it!!!
I need to get to the shops for food. And I need to do studying today. Nothing else. And here I am writing.
I am troubled by all of the roads leading to the centre. I can see the centre though. I think actually I'm in the real chaos now going around the centre. Crowded and all thoughts bumping into each other.
I would like to get to the centre of all of this. This would mean having knowledge tat my childhood was as it was and it wasn't okay. Being able to find love and forgiveness and discover how to stand up for my rights with what isn't okay for me. It was how it was and it wasn't okay. I don't need to blame somehow. I just need to say that I was never ever going to be enough for my fatjer. He didn't want a baby in the first place. Overcoming the fact that my mum was pregnant he was destroyed further when I was a girl. He told me this himself. I don't know why he told me. Perhaps he didn't know how not to. I wonder what hell he created for my mum when she said she was pregnant. I think my mum must have gone through a lot of turmoil. But she stayed and endured it. I remember the fighting just ebcause we were going out. I used to be scared but it was also normal. I didn;t think it was strange for example when Uncle R and Autie E were shouting. It was just the usual. I went along with sitting at the top of the stairs with L but in reality wondered what all the fuss was about. Similarly with the K's when we used to spy on her mum and F. I knew they were having an affair. I thought it was horrid for D but again it was usual for me.
It's bloody horrible and annying that this was the man my father was. It's damned frustrating that he got away with it right to his death. But I was never going to be able to stand up against him all the time he was alive. I am sad to say I was too scared. I want to learn how to stand up for myself and not be afarid anymore. I truly do.
I'm so easily hooked into being the victim and being sick. I want to be suicidal and dark because in that way I don;t have to face up to anything. I get there and don't even know what it is I can't face anymore. It's everything. Mainly I can't face myself and that I have been such a coward for so long.
I had an urge then to share this with G. But the purpose, the motive would have been so that he sees a strong me and not feel so sickened by me. You see how qucikly I am turning his possible off me times into it being about the person I am rather than him. When I'm off him it;s the things that I don;t like about him not him.
I don't want anyone to have any part of me they don't like you see. Because if they do they will decided to leave me and that invalidates anything that's good. I do not ahve the power over people to like all of me. No one can can they? I don't like all of anyone. So why should I expect the same fro others. I don't trust anyonw to be able to work through that though and expect to get abandoned. Therefore the less I see of them or the fruther away I can be the less hance there is of them discovering all me. This is a lack of intimacy.
I often feel that I've allowed myself to get beyond the aloofness and then they will discover me and not like me. It's better when I stay quiet and distant. But it's impossible.
When will I be okay being me and enjoy those people that also are okay with me being me.
I won;t leave people because I don't like all of them. I sometimes need some time away from them or a little space but I like the people I like and I think I always will. It will be them that walk away.
So G may be having a not so liking time of me. I will just let that be and get on with my own things. I've got plenty to do.
I pointed out to him some differences. I like getting up early and seem to need less sleep than him. He likes sleeping in late and going to ebd extraordinarily late. I like people he likes very few people. I like to socialise. I like going to London. He loaths cities and prefers not to socilaise. He is very choosy about people and doesn't like one of my very good friends M.
With him I feel much more courageous to go off and adventure abroad. he is wary of leaving all that is familiar and will not invest the courage in me. He likes to gossip and I don't. I like meetings, he doesn't unless there's a newcomer to help.
He is easily grumpy and it can be very consuming of the very air around him and bleeds over me too.
I felt certain that yesterday he was more withdrawn again. After a day on Saturday with complete lust. I wonder if it really is just about sex for G? And if it is then I don't want just that. He said that he sees us getting together from time to time and enjoying sex. He does want to go away for the weekend as well and did want me to join him and N for a walk yesterday. So I must keep a relaity check on that and stop buying into my distrust of men. Which of course comes from my father. Messages such as men only want one thing. Women always drop their knickers on a whim. Women are only good for one thing.
Watching him get disugusting with mum is imprinted on my mind. He wouls role his tongue backwards, biting down on it. Grimacing of course as a result and then grunting and breathing in and out heavily. He used to do it to me too. It was revolting. Graham Whelan did the same thing. I remember acknowledging that at the time but not making anymore of it until later years putting it into words.
Repulsive!
G is not these men and I do not think he is like that sexually. At least I don't have evidence of that so far. However, he does enjoy sex and so do I with him. So why not? So long as it's not the only thing between us.
Got to go. Got to got to go
Bliss
XX
So I've noticed how "in love" I feel and with this comes complete forgiveness and acceptance of everything. Is this healthy and wise? At the same time I think I detect a withdrawal from G. There are so many times when I'm going through the motions and actually questioning whether I even like him let alone love him. I love lots of people and I can feel love for him as the person he is but not love that I want to be with him. I start questioning his principles for example wanting to gossip about people and put them down. I don't like that. I used to dislike it about Simon and became quite contemptuous of this about him. I do it myself. I get drawn into it more though. When I want to be onside with G I will do it or if I want him to dislike someone because I'm jealous of them. I will buy into the gossip to add to his lowering opinion for example. It's jealousy. I did it with D, his friend. When he moaned about her I dug it deeper and I don't even know her. That's the motive from me. How ugly. These days I just listen and I do not indulge him further.
I would like to stop gossipping entirely. I am better and being silent. I need practice in changing the subject. I don't need to worry what people think about me changing the subject. I don;t need to make people feel uncomfortable because that would be the next motive. Make them feel bad about themselves for gossipping.
So there is this push and pull between G and I. He doesn't like so much tactility. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. It's on his terms. Do I accept that? Sometimes I can and sometimes I want it on my terms too. Can I put up with it being on his terms? Could I raise it with him? There will be times when it's possible to speak about these things. Sometimes I feel rejected when he doesn't want to touch.
He doesn't like it when I tell him I find him handsome. He said when he's believed that he's not handsome for his entire 59 plus years, not liking it is bound to be. But I like it when he fins me attractive even though most of the time I don't believe it. I am feeling better about myself some of the time though and so can allow that sort of thing to be said a little more easily. I look in the mirror and no longer think I am so ugly I should be put out of my misery. I no longer and overweight and so actually think I've got a pretty good body now. What a pity I wasn't able to find this food recovery earlier. But this was to be my journey and I'm incredibly grateful to have been directed in this way.
I do wonder though if I'm truly an alcoholic. G will sometimes say about a person he doubts that they are an alcoholic. I wonder what he really means about that. I have thought he means that the drinking has not been so bad after all. But I think he might also mean as says in the Big Book that it's more than the alcohol. There's more than the alcohol, it's a spiritual malady. Ad I read somewhere, I can't recall where now this list that describes the spiritual malady
1. restless, irritable and discontented (BB p.xxvi)
2. Having trouble with personal relationships
3. Not being able to control our emotional natures
4. Being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression
5. Not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life)
6. Having feelings of uselessness
7. Being full of fear
8. Unhappiness
9. Inability to be of real help to other people (BB p.52)
10. Being like the "actor who wants to run the whole show" (BB pp.60-61)
11. Being driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity (BB p.62)
12. Self-will run riot (BB p.62)
13. Leading a double life (BB p.62)
14. Living like a tornado running through the lives of others (BB p.82)
15. Exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.
These are the manifestations of SELFISHNESS and SELF-CENTREDNESS.
The point made in number 14, the Big Book says "The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have bee uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when says sobriety is enough.... There is along period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling ... won't fit the bill at all.
...asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love."
And gosh how I need help with this. My struggle at this moment is taking this on board. For example in my chaos I was hopeless with finances and rested on my laurels that my mum would always bail me out. Even though I would know it would irritate the hell out of my father. My poor mum would have to be the negotiator with him. And I would know that it eroded yet more respect away on his part. So I'm not at all surprised that he didn't want to leave me anything in his Will. However, there is somewhere a balance for standing up for my rights. I don't really believe I have any rights because I was such a fool for so many years. But then again I can see that a lot of my behaviours were driven because I was deeply afraid. I had an arrogance that was steeped in a lack of any self worth. I was totally hedonistic and selfish. I thought only of myself and therefore acted in ways that were thoughtless of others. Sometimes I would consider for example my dads growing revulsion of me only to then become angry and of course I would blame. The same extremes as I'm osciallting between now. Either he's completely right in his negative judgement of me therefore I am totally a bad person. Or I'm right and therfore he is to blame and wrong. I've swung between these extremes for a liftetime.
And so when people are telling me to find ways to stand up for my rights with dignity, I seem to have to be casting aspersions about my father to make it okay for me to do this. But then I think of all the tings I have done and this means that I have no rights at all. I can not seem to find the balance. I am seeing a sort of Arc de Triomphe etoile. There are all of these roads leading into and away from the centre. The centre is balance and calm. The circle around it is where there is the greatest chaos with the roads leading to it jammed with thoughts. The roads leading away appear to be flowing.
So the raods leading into the centre are: my fathers part when I was a child, my behaviour as an adult (even when alcohol and drug free). During the years until maybe even 2011, I have not behaved well. It was improving with help from B and FA. I was beginning to show up but there was no real feeling of reconciliation for me. Even when he was approaching his death he was rude and angry with me.
Reconciliation for me would have been him being nice to me and including me finally. But no. I think reconciliation will finally be realising my father was a very unwell man. Really accepting it. I fight it because I still don't think his treatment of me as a child was real and that I have brought this all upon myself.
It WAS real. How can I actually get that and keep it? So some of it I exaggerated. But what is true was bad enough. I think some of my exaggeration was to keep the reality of my mum leabving me unattended and never stopping the situaitn. Even she thought it was me a lot of the time. It became me in later years but I was just a child.
So it's no wonder I find it difficult to accept him as he was. I always knew he was a liar and flirted with women. It was useful to know that other people know these things too. I always thought I was over stating such matters. I feel certain he was having an affair with Betty. My dad became so damning of Paul her husband. There was a look between them. And I've litle doubt my father had been flirting with T, later his wife, long before my mum was dead.
I am angry about these things. Raging, raoring, hating him. But you see this is one of the roads leading towards the star. There is this roar of rage which can quickly become hatred. There there is the conflict of wanting to love and forgive him. When I do that I have to put aside all that he did that was wrong. And so the turmoil begins again. Whre is the cenre in all of this?
I think it would be helpful to see a SC. But I can't afford it!!!
I need to get to the shops for food. And I need to do studying today. Nothing else. And here I am writing.
I am troubled by all of the roads leading to the centre. I can see the centre though. I think actually I'm in the real chaos now going around the centre. Crowded and all thoughts bumping into each other.
I would like to get to the centre of all of this. This would mean having knowledge tat my childhood was as it was and it wasn't okay. Being able to find love and forgiveness and discover how to stand up for my rights with what isn't okay for me. It was how it was and it wasn't okay. I don't need to blame somehow. I just need to say that I was never ever going to be enough for my fatjer. He didn't want a baby in the first place. Overcoming the fact that my mum was pregnant he was destroyed further when I was a girl. He told me this himself. I don't know why he told me. Perhaps he didn't know how not to. I wonder what hell he created for my mum when she said she was pregnant. I think my mum must have gone through a lot of turmoil. But she stayed and endured it. I remember the fighting just ebcause we were going out. I used to be scared but it was also normal. I didn;t think it was strange for example when Uncle R and Autie E were shouting. It was just the usual. I went along with sitting at the top of the stairs with L but in reality wondered what all the fuss was about. Similarly with the K's when we used to spy on her mum and F. I knew they were having an affair. I thought it was horrid for D but again it was usual for me.
It's bloody horrible and annying that this was the man my father was. It's damned frustrating that he got away with it right to his death. But I was never going to be able to stand up against him all the time he was alive. I am sad to say I was too scared. I want to learn how to stand up for myself and not be afarid anymore. I truly do.
I'm so easily hooked into being the victim and being sick. I want to be suicidal and dark because in that way I don;t have to face up to anything. I get there and don't even know what it is I can't face anymore. It's everything. Mainly I can't face myself and that I have been such a coward for so long.
I had an urge then to share this with G. But the purpose, the motive would have been so that he sees a strong me and not feel so sickened by me. You see how qucikly I am turning his possible off me times into it being about the person I am rather than him. When I'm off him it;s the things that I don;t like about him not him.
I don't want anyone to have any part of me they don't like you see. Because if they do they will decided to leave me and that invalidates anything that's good. I do not ahve the power over people to like all of me. No one can can they? I don't like all of anyone. So why should I expect the same fro others. I don't trust anyonw to be able to work through that though and expect to get abandoned. Therefore the less I see of them or the fruther away I can be the less hance there is of them discovering all me. This is a lack of intimacy.
I often feel that I've allowed myself to get beyond the aloofness and then they will discover me and not like me. It's better when I stay quiet and distant. But it's impossible.
When will I be okay being me and enjoy those people that also are okay with me being me.
I won;t leave people because I don't like all of them. I sometimes need some time away from them or a little space but I like the people I like and I think I always will. It will be them that walk away.
So G may be having a not so liking time of me. I will just let that be and get on with my own things. I've got plenty to do.
I pointed out to him some differences. I like getting up early and seem to need less sleep than him. He likes sleeping in late and going to ebd extraordinarily late. I like people he likes very few people. I like to socialise. I like going to London. He loaths cities and prefers not to socilaise. He is very choosy about people and doesn't like one of my very good friends M.
With him I feel much more courageous to go off and adventure abroad. he is wary of leaving all that is familiar and will not invest the courage in me. He likes to gossip and I don't. I like meetings, he doesn't unless there's a newcomer to help.
He is easily grumpy and it can be very consuming of the very air around him and bleeds over me too.
I felt certain that yesterday he was more withdrawn again. After a day on Saturday with complete lust. I wonder if it really is just about sex for G? And if it is then I don't want just that. He said that he sees us getting together from time to time and enjoying sex. He does want to go away for the weekend as well and did want me to join him and N for a walk yesterday. So I must keep a relaity check on that and stop buying into my distrust of men. Which of course comes from my father. Messages such as men only want one thing. Women always drop their knickers on a whim. Women are only good for one thing.
Watching him get disugusting with mum is imprinted on my mind. He wouls role his tongue backwards, biting down on it. Grimacing of course as a result and then grunting and breathing in and out heavily. He used to do it to me too. It was revolting. Graham Whelan did the same thing. I remember acknowledging that at the time but not making anymore of it until later years putting it into words.
Repulsive!
G is not these men and I do not think he is like that sexually. At least I don't have evidence of that so far. However, he does enjoy sex and so do I with him. So why not? So long as it's not the only thing between us.
Got to go. Got to got to go
Bliss
XX
No comments:
Post a Comment