You can say when .....

Naughty writing to LW. After a weekend of feeling flat and sad, grieving all that is goo about G and missing him it was a relief to hear from LW. I know it's a distraction and amidst I have little fantasies of hope that it might evolve  into THE relationship. How many times before I learn???

Anyway the texting and emailing produces the sexiness once again. It feels different from SL because .... ? Hmm not sure because. It's just him and I? It's not amidst avatars? I don't know if it really is any different. It's a speedier way than all those years ago when it could only be sexy letters between lovers. So it's different but it's not novel.

So here we go - read at your peril she said smiling and embarrassed ....

"This may be something you already know, however I wanted to write this as a very powerful turn on.I will write this as if it's what we have experienced in person together.

Whilst we've been paying with each other, arousing each other, touching and feeling each other, it's a real exquisite feeling to watch you masturbate yourself. To be able to be a part of that and join in by licking the droplets of cum whilst you touch yourself. And every so often you allow me to take you in my mouth, whilst holding your cock with my hands at the same time, feeling your balls gently, you trusting me with you.

When you tell me to play with myself, it's very exciting. You've already made me very wet, playing with my clit, with my pussy. Teasing me with your cock at times. And then when you tell me to play with me I know that you are going to tell me to stop as you notice that I am getting close to orgasm and you tell me to stop. At first I resist you but you firmly tell me to stop. I can feel the sensations seeping back into my body, slowly, slowly. And it's as if you've just taken possession of a little bit of me. Then just as I've started to ground you tell me to play with myself again, instructing me as to what I should do. You wait until I'm so highly aroused, getting there quicker this time and then tell me to stop. It's even harder to stop but you insist. And so I do. And again just when I'm relaxed you tell me to play. Very quickly I'm near to orgasm and you tell me to stop again. You leave me longer this time and talk about all sorts of things with me. Then when I think you will not tell me to play with myself you do and this time you let me keep playing and then you tell me to cum at the count of 10. You count down slowly and my god! At one you say cum and I do, my whole boy completely taken by the absolute orgasm that's been continuously absorbed into me and totally in your hands. You are holding me as I cum. I long for you to touch me but you just hold me and soothe me.

I am so utterly exhausted with this orgasm.

I know then that you have absolute control of my orgasm."

 

Now I have experienced this both virtually and actually. It is extremely powerful and why is it that I adore the control being with them so much. I feel pretty certain that it removes me from my vulnerability at some level and yet telling him about it is vulnerability. I didn't want to share this sort of thing with any man again until it was a proper relationship. I hadn't even shared this with G. I would hint at things hoping he would pick up on it. But of course it was up to me to be explicit. JH knew this stuff. He was very advanced and taught me a lot about accepting me sexually.

I am forever grateful to him for that but I don;t think he'll ever know.

 

Bliss

XX

 

 

 

 

Flowering wild labels enrich

On the first "date" with G (yes I am missing and reminiscing over the past 9 months - and wondering if it could have worked??) I made a statement to G about the label we give to things such as wild flowers and trees as he told me what this is or that is. I was enthralled but wondering about this labelling that we humans do. Things are what they are, conditions are what they are. Does a label not get us stuck in the label?
Dr G helped me with the moving hypothesis theory. Suggesting that as long as we remember that a label is a moving hypothesis and people say when labelled with this state of mind or other are not always in that condition. And there are many labels that merge into one another, nothing being so finite. In a picture this could be boxes with lids open and sides that are attached and sometimes pervious. I have always said that a label is a way of communicating so that there is a starting point. I have wondered then about the label of addiction. We say we are addicts but that's not all we are. And I am not always addicting. I think the point is that I have at some point crossed that line with many behaviours and substances and therefore can easily been addicting and the label helps me to identify a set of behaviours, attitudes and thought patterns that will be signals of potential danger that can be averted. I think so many people are afraid of the label and some people love to be labelled. It can define them. Fear or attachment of labels are both dangerous in their own ways in my opinion. I've been attached to labels as a way of making my point, excusing myself, understanding myself. It's been a useful and a destructive tool. Labels have helped me get to where I am though today.

And then just studying the concept of language and thought, I have been further enlightened with realisation. Language enriches thoughts. I see how the labels or names given to wild flowers has really drawn my attention to their existence as something of beauty. People call them weeds. My neighbour did yesterday. And yet I am loathe for them to be chopped away beacuse they are labelled as weeds, as to me every petal, every leaf is unique within it's family.

Indeed labels have enriched my world when people have used them to inform me. When they've boxed me with a label I feel cornered and savaged. But indeed if I stand back from reaction their boxing informs me about them.

I truly do entertain labels as worthwhile and how we communicate to each other. But if we can keep an open mind there is room for fullness and wholesome acceptance of all there is to behold

Although I acknowledged with G the comment I made about labels realising at the time that it impacted upon him, I would some day like the opportunity to say what I think today about the wild flower names. I love them. They are so imaginative sometimes and so unassociated at other times. Confusing. But I know that G spent a long time learning those names and they were a place of solace amongst such terors when he was young. He made it his job to learn the names. He has such a brain, a store but not only that he can apply the knowledge retained in creative and clever ways. I miss that so much.

Bliss
xx


 

Measured matter but not why matter matters just as it is. It just is

My name isn't Bliss, but it does for at least some anonymity whilst I write for public view about this crazy life I have that I chose today to call and adventure.
If you read back over these years I've been writing here, I'm sure that a lot of it will mundane, over-emotionalised nonsense. But between the lines there's a lot of profundity. A lot of potential lessons. With a view as an outsider, with the overview of this life I live in, you will be able to judge if the potential is realised to any degree.
I am inspired by peoples inspirations. Just the other day someone commented on FB about the film Romance and Cigarettes.This came to the fore with the sudden death of James Gandolfini. I barely know his acting to be honest but as always with fame, his death suddenly makes his young years of early 50's poignant of all deaths in this way. especially I suppose as I'm in my early 50's. 53 to be precise. Well 53 plus some days and hours and minutes etc if I am to be really precise. How did those many years happen to me. Anyway a point I wanted to make is that other peoples creative discoveries are a sort of introduction and education for me to discover these things. The more I am aware of the more of an education around things I have, by exposure if you life. The more exposure the more discerning I become of what I like. And I have given such power to people that I have actually liked what they like to get their approval. Nowadays that's moderating and I am better able to say what I like and hopefully keep an open mind. With ML if she likes something I am loathe to like it anymore as she gets such a ego with peoples approval of her in any shape or form. Why does this all rub me up the wrong way?

So I've been lying in bed all morning since 5 am. I went to bed just after 10pm. I simply was not able to stay awake any longer. Today I want to really read chapter 10 and then take some notes on it. I want to try and keep the assignment question in mind so that I study it with that in view. And then tomorrow I'd like to read chapter 16 and make some notes on that. It's a lot to ask of myself. So I will actually start at 8:30.
I have plans to visit SS for a walk this afternoon and tomorrow I will walk with AB. It's good that I see other people at the weekends other than AB. For some reason I felt limited but safe being there all those weeks and months before. But AB is limited with her paranoia and desire to drink. Her drinking limits her and I do get irritated. It's such a waste of talent and ability. It's the same thoughts I have of G and JB. All that genius seems wasted and yet that's where they are. I wouldn't say I seem them happy, not even content but that's where they choose to stay. And I could be wrong. The alternative, the doing something about it is obviously harder than staying there.
Gosh that makes me sad as if G were to step forward I think we could have had a wonderful time together forever. But that's gone it really has. The hope for that relationship has truly died.
Even now if he were to step away from some of the things that I found were limiting of me, I think there could just not be a reigniting of anything. Isn't that a strange thing?
I saw the film Romance and Cigarettes. Not a great film. But the infidelity in the end was the thing that allowed him to see he actually loved his wife. And her hatred was actually her hurting for the love of him. When he showed up she could not avoid her love for him. And then he was ill and died. Redemption of true love in the end away from lust.
But this was actually a discovery that G's brilliance was overshadowed by things that just weren't a good match with me. That's the reason for courting. I just do it from the inside instead of the more reserved way, i.e. no sex and intense involvement as in almost living together. My parents so frowned upon this I've thought it was wrong all the time. It was as if like them after 6 months I should get married and make it work. That's what they did despite my mum knowing really it wasn't for her. She left him at the beginning but went back. She was probably compelled to as I have been - but her shackles were of her background - Catholicism no doubt being a large part of the familial influence.
And D said again yesterday the way in which some women flirt is learnt from their mothers. She's possibly got a good point there. My mum was a flirt. With everyone. She flirted with people. I beguile by showing interest in peoples interests and learning more about their interest. I like to delve around finding out what music they like or films or passions and join them in those things. The other day my flirting involved asking LW about music and we spent an evening swapping tunes. I enjoyed listening to what he likes. And then threw a few of the things I've enjoyed. I mentioned art to see if he likes any. He likes theatre and I'm not sure about cinema. It's all flirting. I am more me but also enjoy discovery so feel others introduce me to more. I like new and interesting. Learning about wild flowers with G has really ignited an awareness of the things I've walked by, not unnoticed but definitely I'm even more aware. I like that.

I am thoughtful. and some remorse has appeared in the recent week AG (after G). It's grief I think in connection with my dad being gone and no way of making amends when I now see the error of my past ways including recent years. I have been so filled with resentment and hatred. My behaviour reflected this. I am seeing it so much clearer but with no way of making direct amends to either of my parents. I am truly sorry mum and dad. Knowing that I am helps but its also so sad that I cannot show them in person only to their spirit. I am sure to continue making mistakes but I think my direction is less self-centred.
I feel so sad that G will be hurting in any way. I am probably hugely projecting my sadness for his story so far of rejection since a young child. He has been on the receiving end of what seems like rejection of him. He appears to me to be a raging child without any way of expressing the extraordinarily and talented man he actually is. I have been endowed with the trust of meeting some of the G within that is usually reserved behind a wall of grump and disdain. I feel fortunate and will carry that man forever with me. I am sad that the other parts of him and parts of me just didn't work out. I am truly sad and without LW around I am suddenly able to feel the loss and sadness.
And with it the grief around my dad too. I was fuelled in anger and glad to start letting go of some of that with G gone.
I feel lonely right now and need to sit with that. I was so fortunate yesterday to have a surprise call from JM. I haven't seen or heard from her for some several years now, perhaps since 2009. Yes since April 2009 when I left N and joined P group.
It was tiring but also lovely to see her. She is on a therapeutic journey and enjoying the discovery. She still has so much anger but it's understandable. I liked the way she talked of her parents unit ad she is on the outside. It does make me wonder why people have children. But it's life and each person has to come to terms with their lot and get on with the experience. Me included.
This has been my journey so far. It's not something to be angry with me for or judge. it's juge been the route anad the lessons with it are something to be cherished. I feel that way for everyone more and more. I have such feelings though for people as they are in their pain.

And the relationship with S has evolved further having met last week. We spoke yesterday. We were texting and then had the novel idea of talking. I was nice to know this friendship is growing. How marvellous that techno pen friends can develop real life. There's so much negativity about virtual chats but it's possibly just a broader faster way to meet people. Hasn't human history been a story of everything speeding up decade upon decade. Is it bad? I doubt it it just is. Experience it, adjust. Nature adjusts. We are within the process of creating the speed and experiencing it. We are it's cause and it's effect.

Bliss
XX

 

Insider ops

The Skype call was lovely for the purposes of someone calling me when I can see a long empty of people day ahead of me. But the little noises, the echoing sound and plop plop of rising bubbles from the depths of the deep, I just can't think of a summarising phrase that really captures the sound. JH could do that somehow.
A call from FA J. She had tried several contacts so was pleased to make contact. I was pleased of the connection with the "god-shaped hole" she mentioned. That was a reminder to bring HP into this. I suppose it's the first Saturday after the euphoria of feeling free for a week.
I think the high is beginning to deflate. The descent isn't quite as attractive and exciting as the exhilarating ride up. So here we are. Oh and LW has not been as intent with his contact this week. I suppose he's a lot more sensible than I am. A couple of days of late calls and intense contact and then he is getting on with his other interests - time out with friends (agh!), time with his boys (perfectly understood), work (when I still check even though I'm busy at work).

I don't even wonder what G is doing because I assume everything has returned to what it was. Time at D's sitting in Elstead doing what he did here, being grumpy and critical. Then reluctantly going to his revoltingly kept flat and attending meetings just not to be there with himself. I hope he managed to stay off the cigarettes. Gosh! Just 3 days off and then an end of a relationship, What a perfect excuse to start again rather than ride through the cravings. No doubt I'll be the selfish one to be so unkind at a vulnerable time.

It's interesting with LW. He had asked me to send him daily a description of my clothes. He likes that I am dressing thinking of him. It is arousing. I start to feel sexy and even walk a little more sexily. It contributed to my high. The low descends as the contact with him does not keep my excitement going. I am writing these things all sexually heightened without any return from him. I exaggerate because he has acknowledged me during the week. I think that's thoughtful.
I feel a little crude by continuing to write. I asked him to let me know if I should stop. He sent me a little carrot yesterday saying that he had masturbated over me. How thrilling! And then I think about it and think why is that thrilling, a man masturbating thinking of me. Ha ha. What exactly is this sex stuff all about. It's so compelling. Am I an addict? Or is this normal?
If there are consequence and I still don't stop then surely that's when the problem should be noticed. There have been consequences. I've become so obsessed there have been times when I harm myself emotionally, mentally and/or physically. I have put myself in risky situations, i.e. unsafe sex, multiple partners and feeling disgusted with myself - is it against my principles or is it because others have different principles.
I am carrying on with the request but I am not sure how long I will continue. Is it a test? He said he likes to tease. Would he tease so much to see how far he can push me. He said he likes to push to a persons limits. This too can at times feel really sexy, like he's controlling me but is he really or is that all in my imagination. We talked about the M/s roles. He likes to be in charge and it was him that sussed out the roles I might enjoy but I don't want to return to that. I like someone being in charge.
But of course I am realising he's created the precedent but it's me who's doing it. After all what he can he actually do. I'm here, he's there. He talks about wanting to spank me. Oh blah blah blah. So I've created this scenario that actually is not necessarily real.
I also have the laughable fantasy that somehow this will escalate. Because of course I have an ideal in my head of who he is. As I did G. I saw glimpses of it and overlooked all the things that weren't actually what I wanted. I would disregard so much if there is actually the person I am looking for within the enfolds of garbage. But that's not how it works. The layers give an indication of how the whole person is when the layers come together.
I am glad though to have principles. Sad that I don't always live up to them!

So here I am avoiding starting the studying. I have an opportunity to read ahead and get the final TMA done - although it seems the last TMA doesn't count towards the overall score. So what is the point? Anyway it has to be done. And then I could catch up on a bit of the reading I haven't done. What am I doing???? Sitting here watching You Tube music so that I can send the links to LW and look cultural, exciting, diverse. I seem to think because I'm attracted to that sort of thing it'll make me attractive.
And then watching episodes of In Treatment. Interesting as it is - truly. I am getting insight into me as a therapist, into me and my issues.
Perhaps I'll allow this morning off to rest and come down after a busy week in the therapy world. People relapsing - it's shit. But it's the complexity of this thing called addiction if that's what it is.
I met with AH. He is so aware and yet so not. He talks about his life with clarity but then utter confusion as well. It's good to work with him.
This is a client I really like. He is thinking about risk assessing every situation to help decide whether he takes a particular action or not. Sensible. And the agreement is that if he finds he cannot stick with his decision he may need some further assistance.
He just lacks connectedness. He has so much loving to give but it's sort of free floating wating for a place to land and be picked up by someone. Where he thought it had been picked up it's being squeezed out of him and he's left almost lifeless in that situation. He's an entrepreneur but without that final umph. He'd describe it as that extra special something that launches one about the glass ceiling. He's a grafter though and prides himself on his way with people.
I like working with him. He's not too proud to ask for help and really really wants something different. He will get it purely because he is somewhat willing.
It's nice to work with someone so fresh and inquisitve about himself.

Good for him.

Okay a friend has called - second week in a rwo. Out of the blue and is local. So we are going to meet for a cuppa and a walk. I really should tidy - these are like little hints that I could tidy and then people coulkd just be free to call around whenever they want. Part of my demotivation is the effect of the moths! I loathe them and their devastation so why bother tidying up. It can never look perfect. I want wooden floors now - get clinical looking. And no possesssions.

So extreme - bless me.
There is an HP, I see it through my friends. :)

Bliss
XX






 

Indelible traces of my past that are falsified

Memories can be very unreliable. We like to think of them as indelible records of our past. Every time we pull out a scene we fiddle with it a little bit before we put it back in
We are constantly altering our memories so the past won't conflict with the present.
It isn't questioning our feelings about our childhood but specific incidents might not necessarily be exactly as they were.
One event though doesn't tell us everything about the entirety of our childhood.

Emotional injury in families can feel so unfair.
It's like an accident in the car when I'm the only who went through the windshield.
And people think they are doing different tings from how it actually feels.

I want to stop all these people I see at work from going through the windshield.
My mum has gone through the windshield. I am now the orphan I have always felt I have been. I felt separated and different. Different values.
How ca I be a good daughter to my parents even though they are dead?
I get so busy. I don't want to go to their graves. It's just nothingness there. I don't want to tend the little area.

I do what my parents did I suspect ... to my friends.
I can be such a fabricator of the truth - well less so now unless I'm careful to be truthful.
I omit things so that people don't know what is actually going on.













 

SC's response the the Arms of Mary

Dear Bliss

To offer you thoughts, opinions or perspectives about what you have shared with me would miss understand the importance of the truth that you seek to express. I can therefore only offer you a response

I feel privileged that you would share such a very personal and private agony. I am most struck by the Unfathomable, confusing, torturous and terrifying Truth that you have lived with for much of your life.

I congratulate you for your relentless efforts to confront injustice, in the hope that you may be free. Maybe you have arrived at a place where it is time to relinquish the painful search for 'why'. The answer is embodied in the impossibility of ever knowing why

Freedom is the recognition that in the face of trauma, we can define our own Truth with the help of God or Higher Power.

Warm regards

An artists model or just a high?

Well this last couple of days I have decided that I'd like to be an artists model. I Googled it. And yesterday found an artist in Hampshire. He was on an artists chat site. He would be offering £25 for life drawing sessions. THEN ... on my FB page was a post from The Barn in Farnham advertising a life drawing evening class. I read the details and about the artist. I write to him saying that I'd like to model and would he require a novice. He offered me some dates subject to meeting. I went along this evening to an art class that happens each week on a Wednesday. The was the model naked as the day that she was born being drawn by a group of artists. Fab. I am starting a four evening modelling session. I will be dressed in a costume. I am excited. Very excited. I met and chatted with the artists and was able to take a look at their work.
I had a long chat with C the model. She has been doing it for 10 years. Her mother pimped her she said laughing. Having returned from India she was unemployed. Her mother ran a gallery and when someone asked her if she knew of anyone who would do some life modelling she put C forward. C shared some tips. Just be me, Choose a point to look at which in turn helps her ensure her head is in the same position. She said I would probably be nervous but that's okay but most importantly find a comfortable position and enjoy.
So my first session is on 3rd July, then the 5th, 9th and 10th. I will be paid which is great - it's £10 per hour.
I have no idea if I'll be able to sit so perfectly still for the long sit. It's not for the entire 2 1/2 hours. To begin with there are some exercises where I'll be moving about every few minutes. But then there is a point where I settle for the long sit. There is a break and I can say if I am feeling uncomfortable and need to move for a moment.
If I'd been seeing G I wouldn't have been able to do this I am pretty certain. He would not have liked it.
I told A and G this evening and A was wondering why? It's an experience I've never had. To be a part of someones creative process. The artists may not care about that but I do. I may hate. I may not be able to sit for long enough. But I will do my best.

I also did a private hour session - therapy this evening. At the insistence of a guy from AA. I met with his brother. My assessment is that that they have some deep issues between them. Goodness knows what will happen. I made some suggestions to the client. I was very non-specif with the AA guy. And I doubt whether I will hear from them again. We will see. But I charged £50 and the AA guy said he'll make sure he gets it to me.

What an interesting evening.

As if I've got loads of spare time - ha ha ha.

Bliss