Russell

Russell died last night!

It's just so so weird. It hurts so much. It's not that I knew him incredibly well or had a really close relationship. It's death itself that hurts.

What is it? There's a connection. The connection I think is he WAS in recovery, then he relapsed and he's dead.

The weirdest thing of all? I spoke with him on the phone on Wednesday. In the 5 years he's been in the rooms I have never ever called him. I cannot reconcile this. I spoke with him. It's the suddenness of him being snapped out of life.

I rang a bell for him tonight.

I will remember him saying I will pass the goblet instead of passing the pot.

He wore funny jumpers.

Bloody hell he shared for ages, every time and all around the houses.

He died in hospital.

My mum on Mother's Day

Usually Mother's Day has little impact on me. This year has been oddly different but not so odd really.
Working my steps I am at step 8 - Made a list of people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them.
I have a lot of raw awareness recently from working steps 6 and 7 and it's been coincidental that a lot of people from my past both recent past and distant past too who have helped with the increasing self awareness and the realisation of amends.

I was usually late or disruptive with things like my mum's birthday and Mother's Day and Christmas - the perceived major days of the year which my mum took very seriously.
Today I am aware yet again how often I upset her. She was an incredible woman, eccentric, funny, very caring, very differing views on matters than some of my own, feisty, vivacious, well liked and so on. She was larger than life at times and I loved her very much.
I am so so sorry that I didn't value her more when she was alive and at times respect her more like the little things that were so important to her. I could have been less selfish at times but I was so bloody arrogant and stubborn (and very very ill with addiction).
I know she loved me very much and I loved her and still do.
I miss her so that it hurts in my heart. The pain sometimes is so great it feels like I could explode with it.

I managed to put my selfish aside today for an hour and drove to her grave. It means little to me - she is not there and all I remember of it is putting her coffin in that hole. Some people I know find something helpful about a grave. However, I know my mum would like to think people would tend her grave and put flowers there. And so I did despite really not wanting to - having to go out when I needed to be studying and just not wanting to make the effort as it means so little to me. I did it in her honour and to say sorry.
I cried all the way there so stopped and bought myself a cafetiere which I have avoided for years. I don't seem to live life without something addictive - my food is in order but my caffeine intake has increased so that the effect is no longer happening. Poo.

So yes my heart is aching for her. If only she could come back. It's not spirit her or anything else that I want it's alive her. I want to cuddle her, I want to smell her, I want to here her voice, I want to see her laughing which in itself used to make me laugh. She rolled with laughter. Even her annoying ways I want. She used to phone me at least 5 times a day with absolutely rubbish news. I want that too. She had so many funny tales that made up her life, I would just hurt with laughter listening to her.

I feel as if I carry so much sorrow sometimes.

Stuck stuck stuck

I am trying to say that the fact that there are a number of theories that have been devloped since Heider's initial theory of attribution, suggests that there is something in the

Gosh the mist is so low I can no longer see the hill. Is it a very very low cloud?

Ok foudn a way to say that. Now I am really wanting to distract from my essay but ....... what I want to go on and talk about next is biases and the value that this has brough to us understanding how this has helped understand how people perceive and explain their environment.
Bias seems to keep us safe in a kind of denial way - in a way that keep us from being responsible or for being in the safe group. And there are attribution theories of bias - Tajfels SIT theory of ingroup outgroup somehow seems to support what it si I am trying to say - I can't bring it all together. I can see that there is this research from another poitn of view - a more wualitative view which concludes that attributions a re taking place. So that shows that attributions theories are taking place in how we perceive and explan the world.
How the hell do I bring this all together???????


Ended up doing myself a roast vegetable feast with oven baked salmon and garlic with brussels and curly kale. Finally followed with a nearly badly burnt but only slightly blackened fruit scone with as far as I could tell no fruit! Tecsco cheap-skates (is that the term?)
And having only just finished at 21.13 - very very late for dinner.

The good news is I have done 1300 words - just 200 more to go????!!!!!

The machine-based logical models of information shortcomings -

Gosh I am tired but so nearly nearly there! Now going to be over the word count . Bloody hell
Boring boring blog writer signing out. Night

Balk at people attempting to control me

I heard this today when someone was sharing about being controlling and balking at attempts by others to control her. Wow, that's it. I react very badly when it feels as if people are trying to control. Manipulation, outward and obvious control, in whatever form I sense it and lash out.
I have sensed it - P...., parents, V......, when she shared about not knowing whether it's food type cravings or emotions. I can't think of any more examples right at this moment.
I lashed out at P when I felt as if she was labelling and boxing me into a corner, I had to respond to V's text about sweet things thinking, although I didn't believe she would, that she was criticising me eating all food types include sweet things. I feel it with H. I was talking about a recent OA reading about opinions and the fine line in having opinions and sharing them to have a voice int he world or keeping quiet because my opinions do not need to be out there. She told me it's OK to have opinions and voice them. I feel controlled by her and I really really have a huge resentment with her. She winds me up. She assumes I know nothing. She treats me like a fool. That's how I feel. Higher Power, how do I deal with that. Do I have my voice. Clearly there is a voice to be heard. If I could say anything to her without having to be loving and caring I would say "look, it's not that I don't know intellectually. It's up for discussion, how different people deal with this. I bloody well know it's OK to have opinions, I have them. I know too that I can be controlling with them and other times I can feel to worthless to think my opinions count. I was then confused by the reading and you come out with "it's OK to have opinions" I know that you stupid stupid woman. But what I would like to know is what you think the reading is referring to". The problem is I didn't have the reading to hand.
So how would I say that without being so offensive?
I was glad to speak with V and apologise for my sensitivity but glad to recognise within the meeting that I am so so sensitive to even the slightest hint of control and that's what I was reading. She said it wasn't mean that way and that was fie I think. My codependency is taking it all on that now I have offended her by saying ow I felt even though she wasn't and blah blah blah.
Bloody hell the complications of relating with people. I guess other people either aren't as sensitive or I over analyse. I am pretty anxious about a lot of things at the moment and very uncertain of myself.
I think this is based on the fact that I have been off sick this week when really I would have been well enough to work. I wish now I had returned to work instead of staying at home to do my essay and I have done barely anything. Guilt is what is causing my anxiety I believe. I hope I can learn from this lesson.
I am so so pleased for T being offered exhibits for her work and with an income from it. An agency offering to take her on is great. Although she could do it herself and have all the income it's not her area of expertise and trying to do the admin removes her from being creative. There's a fine line in there somewhere. I think I would have negotiated on the 35% fee for exhibitions that approach T direct and she hands over to the agent. And maybe even on the 50/50 for agency located exhibits. And the agent isn't even handling her paintings only her sculptures. There was definitely room for negotiation there but as I know myself it takes bloody courage and real self esteem, belief to negotiate.
I wish I had not taken last week off. Please HP don't let it ruin my chances with the P. I am afraid that I will get bad references and they will withdraw their offer.

Guess what I am stuck on my essay. I so need to finish it this evening to get it off to a few readers. I need to get on with the study calendar. I am getting so behind. It's causing more pressure and less head space to get the blinking essay done - aaaaaaaaaaaargh!

HP please can you help me find serenity to accept - people attempting to control in whatever shape or form it arrives. And please show me how to respond appropriately. And HP please help me to accept the consequences of my taking last week off and trust that the best thing will happen.
I feel as if I will be reprimanded and punished for doing something so wrong. I am finding it difficult to believe that HP will not punish me severely. My HP is all loving and nothing is done to punish. I am riddled with anxiety and guilt and that feels horrid all brought on by myself and not by HP. If the P receive bad references and withdraw their offer it is my doing not punishment from HP. It is just how things are. What I need serenity is that it is out of my hands and all I can do is wait and see.

Right back to the essay.
Oh I had lunch late and feel very full up. That's something I need to learn. When I have finished a meal I want more immediately but if I leave it a while I feel quite full. Right now I would not be ready to eat until later. As I finished my lunch at about 2.30 I propose to have dinner about 8pm. This is later than I would prefer. It is suggested to have finished eating by 7.30. Well I will see how I feel at 7pm, 1 and 1/2 hours from now. What will I have? left over fish pie, brussell sprouts, carrots and curly kale. The protein seems little and the carbs too. But I can have a toasted scone for pud which is all carb. That should be ok huh?
Phew for some reason my dinner seems a real problem. I don't know why sometimes the actual content seems to be problematic. Oh well eat it and see.

Ok Ok back to the essay. NOW!

Better mood - clearer head

Well it's lunchtime and this is the first time have blogged. What an odd term.
The tutorial last night at Winchester Uni was very helpful. I think the room was more conjusive to a gathering and the layout facilitated chat. Of course we are all a little more familiar with each other although I only know names because Jane mentioned them. Cathy and Pippa. I found Pippa an interestingly odd character. Ooops these are real names. She was quite abrasive I thought at first. There was a sort of cockiness too and yet I saw her vulnerability as well. Cathy seems very nice.
Jane spoke about Frued and it was obvious that she was enthusiastic about his theories. She is a pleasant person in a very direct way. There's no nonsense from her really.
Anyway the session helped immensely. I haven't done a proper essay plan this time and I think that's contributing to how difficult I am finding it.
I started again today as it just wasn't flowig or directed and it is now a bit more. I think there is evaluation going on. Anyway now I am breaking to cook my lunch.
I haven't shared with anyoe how worried I am about the P getting bad references for my sick leave. I am sick with worry ha ha ha. And I was just disappointed when chatting with P, new manager and previous friend. He said he is not sure how long he may stay in the field. He's a money maker and this won't be paying him enough I would have thought. He said dry cleaners look prefereable right now. If that's a joke I don't get it - do you? Who? You?
I am going bell ringing tonight. I am concerned though that I would rather not and instead would stay home continuing to get the essay written. I will have tomorrow afternoon as well. Then Sunday there is the CoDA workgroup with Amy and S... can't remember what I called her in previous blogs. Perhaps I should just use the first letter of their names instead of making names up.
I spoke with J for ages yesterday about how upset I feel and he made reference to bullying which is how I think things are but I know too it's paranoia. I feel less worried about it today.
I will meet P and just see what happens. I am glad that I haven't written everyone off as J would do. I haven't even written my dad off completely but the contact is at a level where it's OK for me and I presume OK for him too. Didn't see him at Christams or his birthday this year. So maybe it will reduce to seeing eaach other once a year. How sad that it's like that.

Well ... that's it for a little while. There's loads to write and no time to get all my thoughts down.
Oh did have a memory triggered by D writig to me by email from Wales. Her son has been given time off to study for his exams. We didn;t get that but I did spend as much time as I could at Farnham swimming baths (ope air and now closed). I had a new boyfriend who I remember as being incredibly good looking. I met him at St Josephs youth centre where HC had met P and R was his friend. So good looking but all I can remember is how clingy he was a nd feeling I couldn't breathe without him cuddling me. And so I finished it with him. Is my memory accurate? It's such a surprise that anyone would fancy me so much.

Bye for now

Low Mood

About not having opinions. This raises a fine line query for me ....
It seems more peaceful yes not to have opinions on anything because then there is no disagreement. BUT it also seems to me that I would be bland. I think it would be good if I could lose some of the determination I have to make others take on my opinions. And I like it when I can listen and integrate other people's opinions. It's good to be able to have a rounded view
It just seems a lacking in passion and engaging with the world not to have opinions at all.
What do you think?

I have spoken with P this monring and was friendly and pleasant I think. We have arranged to meet for about an hour on 11th March. It's funny you know as I could feel the anger in me. It's one of the days she suggested and I am avaialble too but she has had to organise a meet later that evening as it's the only day someone else can do. I suggested postponing until maybe the following week. I felt a twinge of what it is that frustrates me - I feel controlled! It's all on her terms
I felt angry but I am telling myself it's OK an hour is probably a good amount of time anyway. I can listen to what she has to say and be friendly in that time. And as you said I can decide then how I see my part in the level of contact we have or don't have if that's what she wants too. At the moment I am thinking it will be nice simply to have some settlement around something I don't understand.
I am asking my Higher Power for a lot of help with all this people with people interaction.

I woke up from a horrid dream all about this sort of thing.
I am feeling like I must be a very very horrid person. I have my part in how Simon is not willing to even acknowledge my existence. Angela doesn't talk to me anymore and I think connected wth that Claire has never returned my calls. Then there was Penny and just before that Jacquelynn. I am the common denominator here.
Lillybet can you you enlighten me with anything you see here.
I have thoguht about some things that I think maybe contributing to my part and this will sound horrid and very needy on my part I think.
I wanted Angela to be my sponsor because she was so highly thought of by a crowd of people. I didn't see the bigger picture really. In hindsight I can see how I wanted her to make me a somebody. Angela did help me so much don't get me wrong. She was very gentle and loving with me. The funny thing is I did question but quietly because I didn't think I was anybody to be able to question. There were a number of things that didn't sit comfortably with me but she was so important and I was in the middle of it being with her. I also liked the fact that I was her favourite. Ugh this is painful and ugly to admit. This is step 5 CODA stuff. Do you mind hearing it?
If not don't read on .....
........
And I was aware that Claire was jealous. Now with Claire I was quite intrigued by her wealth ( as I was with Julie when I was in treatment) But more importantly Angela and Simon encourgaed me to be friends with her. Claire and I did get on and we could have a laugh but she didn't have a lot of time for me really. I asked Claire for Angela's number in the first place so that I could enquire about sponsorship. I recognise codependency in Claire at that time anyway and back then I really believe she thought so lowly about herself. And I was right in the middle of it all too. Ugh it feels ugly.

With Jacquelynn to this day I have no idea why she has cut contact. This is not just me as I know she has done the same with someone else too.

With Penny I wanted to make her friendly with me coz other I thought other people were really friendly with her and I would be left out. That is very mean and childish and needy of me. I witnessed things in her that didn't sit comfortably with me either. When I say that I really know it doesn;t mean they are wrong all these people it just means that what's right for them isn't right for me. Not how I want to be and not how I want to interact with people.

Damn! I offered to help a friend in need and she wants the help. It means I will be out for a few hours. I will leave LouLou here I think. Hopefully back by 1pm and then get on with essay.
It's nice to eb able to do something for a friend and I have time to get on with my essay if I put my mind to it when I get back and all of tomorrow. I have cancelled Saturday bell tower thingy and can get on with studying then too. Right off to help a friend in need.

Twitter and Tweetdeck

Blimey it's so addictive and distracting. Twitter and now Tweetdeck - the enhanced interface. And people I don;t even know chatting away. It's all very odd really. And ther strangers are all so familiar - not chatting about anythign of any depth. It's all nonsense. I am bored with it already. Thank goodness.
Still no offer letter. Resignation letter drafted.
Essay still not making progress however I think it was harder as I was not really answering the question. I think I am back on track and it is a little easier suddenly
Paula still hadn't called so I decided to send an text saying I had left a mesage repeating that I am available on Wednesday but strapped for cash so would like to arrange a mutually convenient place to meet. She sent a text later saying that she was busy all day and would call later or tomorrow. But she was glad 11th OK.
So that's sort of underway. I hope to resolve things so that at least there's no animosity but right at this time I don't feel like pursuing the friendship. It would be nice if things were just friendly.
I was thinking that I hve recently met people who on the surface of things seem pretty grown up. It's nice. One person I like did say some things that brought out my shame but I think at an appropriate time I might be able to say something to her. Valerie. I like some of the things she says. She described what I describe as distraction as displacement. Finding with frustration a need for displacement. I like people who use different vocabulary.
Tule. A very active and inspiring lady. I like her art.
Karen another seemingly lovely lady.
Again I am using psuedonyms for all of them.
There are a lot of people anywya that I can potentially get to know.
I would like to also increase the men that I know. But.... well that will happen if the opportunity arises. Everywhere I go it's women. And unlike the olden days I don;t have dutch couage to go about getting to know men - I think they'll not like me anyway. Yep still got issues there.
Lilly sent me a list of things that COSA ask and see how many a person can agree with. Oh my gosh. I could agree with them all. Lily laughed and asked when I was going to join her at COSA. As usualy I am not too willing. Aside from time it's bloody miles away.
BUT if these people that have made contact in Haslemere have a nice place on offer that may bevery worth considering. Closer to Alice and Gill. More rent but going in the right direction I feel.
Farnham just doesn;t seem to be happening and I think for all the right reasons.
I have completed a little more of my essay. I am about a thord of the way through so far - of the 1st draft anyway.
My neigbours must find me odd - they must drive by and see me sitting att his blinking laptop day and night!!!!!
Well I think I might have another go at the essay.
Last post for today I feel