Scribblers in Darth Vaders Room- Shibari

By the way, dear Bliss, the world doesn't need fixing.
Neither do you.
And dreaming for more, bigger, and zippier, doesn't mean you can't be happy today.
Tallyho,
The Universe

Everything is just how it's meant to be. Man I don't want to feel painful emotions. Man! Something was seeming amiss. Just the slightest of change and  I can feel it in the air. The problem is distinguishing thereafter my sensitivity and my imagination.

Last evening MAster and I were discussing me as his slave and him as my Master. We spoke of bondage and he referred again to Japanese bondage. It has a name - Shibari I think.
Gosh as we discussed it I felt my arousal. It was a gentle and almost deep and subtle arousal. Somewhere within me not right at the nerve endings in my clit or my pussy. It was deeper. They way we were discussing this. Very relaxed and openly. As I was listening to Master alert to his seeming knowledge of such things. I don;t know if it's personal experience but how fascinating that he has such awareness of these things and brings them to my door.
As he spoke about his desire for me to be bound, I felt his power. He aske dme how I think it would feel. His question then took me into attempting to put myself in this situation. The cold handcuffs on my wrist. I imagined feeling them. The metal on my skin and pressing against the bones in my wrists. I imagined but didn't clarify that I would be cuffed with my hands behind me. I imagined also that I would be naked. I also wondered if he would cuff my ankles too. I didn't ask all this things. Just listened to him and developed these pictures in my mind and tried to imagine how it would feel. I thought about how my arms would ache after a time and then spoke to Master about realising that he would have complete power. He might cuff me and then just leave me and he added yes - it could be for hours. Then he said how he might blindfold me and I wouldn;t know what he was doing and after a slight evocative pause added it might not even be him. Gosh I could feel my submissive self. I don't how to describe that. It's not as if the slave in me disappears now ever but does become quieter submissive to my own controlling daily lifestyle. But with a certain atmoshpere, Master immediately takes control.
I said to Master I realise that he could do anything. Leave me for hours or use my body however he wished. I then thought about the different feelings. I am sure if left for hours with nothing I would become furious and he would still have control. I have no idea how that would be.
I also was aware that the more I share with him the more he gets to know me and takes greater ownership over me. Just writing all of this awakens the sexual response in me. I can be controlled entirely through this very powerful human (and animal) instinct.
I am pleased Master allows me to exist in different ways. He does not try to deaden my mind. But I can see how it s possible to just own me. Totally.

This picture above. Well Master spoek about Japanese bondage and how he wondered how it must feel. Not for himself but how it would feel for me to be in these ropes. Yes I then wondered too. I could imagine the feeling of the ropes all over my body. I have seen photos were the rope passes throught the slit and the Master can then pull on the rope. I can imagine the mix of pain and pleasure. Wow how arousing is that? And how my breasts could be shaped and moulded by the ropes and knots. Again rendered helpless and possible to place legs and arms and body parts in shapes and positions totally within Masters desire.

Again this is all imagination and the arousal creates the desire for this to actually happen. The power Master executes over my imagination. He is so visionary and brings this to my consciousness. I love the experience of consciousness and how cleverly it is combined with bodily desires. Master is a master at this. I wonder if he knows and if it's intentional or if this is actually a discovery by accident with someone like me.
It is a wonder that this slave has met Master. It seems to work perfectly for this slave.


What I consider on a daily basis is how this slave and how I my lovers lover can combine to enjoy both to the fullest. There does seem to be some confliction. I spoke to Shaga and she said she never forgets that the other exists when she is currently more slave or more lover. HOW??????????????

More to write - am revising and avoiding. Exam on Tuesday.SHIT!!!!


I still wish to continue my thoughts on friendship, love, trust, dependability versus Master having women rather than just me. It really doesn't work for me in a lover relationship/ But as Master said last night the imaginary situation is very very arousing. Maybe it's enough to just masticate over imaginary scenarios. I am always then ready for sex. Phew!

Bliss


There must be a bug in the system, Bliss, because according to my records, you've never been told exactly how powerful you are.
Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very to the ten zenbillion.
K?
The Universe
 
This slave recognises the power of being in the control of Master. Mmmmmmmm

Darth Vader in the scribbling room

Bliss, I can't even remember the last time I was this excited for you over all that you're on the verge of doing, being, and having.
Just sayin' -
The Universe
 
The tendency to settle upon a cursed how, Bliss, as a means to achieve a particular goal, is simply a sign that you've momentarily forgotten how unlimited, creative, and powerful I am, and that I tirelessly conspire on your behalf when you leave me every option.
Let me loose,
The Universe
 
If you knew what I now know, Bliss, you wouldn't be in such a hurry.
Not just because you have countless worlds to look forward to, but because the world you're now on was once one of them.
Tallyho,
The Universe
 
Bliss, do you know why I am always there?
Because I want you to have all of those things you've told me about, and so much more.
Let's kick some "butt,"
The Universe
 
I told you, Bliss, there'd be days, even weeks, like this...
Absolutely perfect in every single way, with all things as they should be, where they should be, enfolding you in love.
I just didn't tell you they'd all be like this, Bliss, because some things you just have to experience to believe.
Whoop!
The Universe

Warning! May Contain Nuts. John Porter I think his name is put ona show in Brighton. A poetry event as a result of working within the field of mental health. M was reading some of her poems. I am so pleased for her. For doing it. Getting up on stage to a full house and performig her poems. She did well. I met as well a person she had met called V. She wants to work with women and children trying to prevent them slipping into a lfestyle that I was looking with P to provide a living environment now they were recovering from the lifestyle that had been crippling them.
I liked our idea and at one point it nearly was more than an idea. Called Sankofa - it was potentially a sanctuary. We even had an accountant look at the starts of our business plan.
I do not want that idea to fade away. I cannot use the name Sankofa as that is P's although I love it. An African word and with a symbol too - it was perfect.





The Sankofa bird reaches back to reclaim what is rightfully hers - what a perfect sentiment for the project we were creating.
A living unit for women abd the chance to be reunited witht heir children. Living within a comunity environment with facilities to engage with vocational training and and an onsite daily therapy.
The therapy to include all sorts of creative opportunities.
I have a strong image of this. V said she would introduce me to a woman she is speaking to in her own attempts to get her ideas coming to life. So who knows if I start talking about it again Sankofa will cone back to life.

Oops I need to go off and get ready for work.



When talking with Master (my love JH) on an abstract level, I can see how possible it would be for him to have a number of different women. He likes women. The thing is I wish to be the only one as his lover. As his slave I have no choice but would also of course prefer to be the only one.
What is this about? This need to be the only one. I think if I were Master I would teach me how to let go of this need of contol by putting  in the position. Yuch!
Somewhat I am trying to learn from the actual situation. My love and Master maintains his friendship with his ex girlfriend. I have to learn how to manage my feelings. When I really look into them I am not sure if it is jealousy. I wouldn;t know how to really determine what jealousy actually is. What I feel is fear of loss. Fear that Master will leave me for someone better. That actually I am not really good enough or enough for him and so actually he is on the look out for another. Then he will abandon me.
What I am trying to explore is that I am enough simply as me. But that I am not ALL. And that like I would have several friends all with differnt qualities then perhaps Master wishes to have several slaves. of course what I would oike is to learn tobe a very good slave. I would like to learn how to be very sensual and sexual to be able to please Master. And to behave exactly as Master would wish and anticipate his desires. In this way he would be pleasantly surprised and therefore pleased with my forethought and attentiveness towards him. This require my selflessness. But I also want to maintain my individuality so that I remain interesting and growing in my uniqueness.
I truly wish to learn to let go of this need to be the only one and therefore Master would have the space that he has told me he needs.
In an abstract way I do find the concept of being one of many interestingly arousing. But what I picture is that we should be together and there to be a relationship between all of us and Master encouraging us to share our knowledge and improve each other. I imagine thought the downside would be secrecy and hierarchy and competition. A good Master would surely be able to manage this. I would like to be selfless and be able to teach well anythng I have to bring to the Masters other slaves or women. And be taught by Master how to be above jealousy and possessiveness.
Of course there is also my arousal of the intimacy between us slaves all being together. Comfort for each other too.
So perhaps in this M/s relationship that is also lovers and the way in which my lover is with women is somehwat towards this learning. I am insecure. And I dislike this. Furthermore I have an imagination that can take a seed of information and turn that into a novel. Then there is my intuition. I believe more and more that I am very astute to my surroundings and the people in it. Of course I do not for a minute claim to know what is actually going on but I am very aware of changes in mood and the very slightest differences in behaviours or attitudes. And this is real - I know it! What I don;t know is what is behind the change and ask questions. Sometimes when I get answers it raises more questions as there seems to be missing information and links. Of course in my job it is actually my job to keep exploring to fcilitate increased self awareness.
In my relationship as lover it is not and my questions then are about understanding for myself. But I think I am then too nosy. This monring with Master, my love we mentioned questioning. I agree with Master that there is a differnce. When there is questioning with an agenda (quest, inquisition, intrigue) - then this is not good in a relationship. I do think questioning to get to understand properly is communication - curiosity and interest.
The more I understand Master the better I can please him. But if I question to try and find things out about him somehow that is different and also not open. Suspicion.
Mmm
I have more to write but need to get ready for work
I will continue
Bliss

Traps tricks and strategies

Life doesn't give folks a break. Nor does it test you. Nor is there any such thing as good luck, fate, or destiny.
On the other hand, Bliss, your thoughts become things. Which pretty much means you get to rule your world.
Better than winning the lottery,
The Universe

I am drained after a day at work where emotions were strong and a lot of good therpay seemed to be taking place. I am witnessing so much hope and willingness to make changes towards a better way of being. It makes my heart sing.
I loved the laughter and flirty payfulness with SH. This helped re-centre me after a completely manic evening yesterday. Ah! I loathe my paranoia and how I start to question my trust in my love. Master asked me how it would be if he told me to stop thinking. He has said before now he does not want me to lose being me. I think there is possibly some gain to be told not to think when I start to question. But this would mean my lover standing aside to be putrely controlled by Master. This is where the two seem to merge with complications for me. I do not understand how to seperate them or when the benefits of one outweigh the other without losing the other.
Guidance pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

Master/my love had read my blog and was particularly interested that I had wanted to ask him if I could touch myself. He reminded me that I could ask him and remarked I think on how he liked his ownership of me in this way. I told him how much I loved that he owns me entirely. I am his possession. I feel very priviledged that he loves me and we are lovers too.
I do find it difficult not to touch myself. I can feel my arousal and I want to stroke msyelf and feel my wetness. There were times before when I did touch myself but I felt that I betrayed Master so dreadfully. I touched his posession without his permission. Sometimes I ache with such desire to touch. When Master pauses when I ask to touch myself I hold my breath in anticipation. He usually, no I think he alwways says yes. It is an incredible gift when Master/my love gives me the delight of touching myself. When he gives me my orgasm - well I am so so grateful to him.
I feel complete by being owned and controlled in such simple ways. I had not realised how much I touch myself until the ability to touch at will has been removed.
And then to be required to stroke myself each time I go to the toilet. Sometimes I do it in a hurry because I am busy and it seems almost a nuisance. But once Master talks about it again then it becomes something to feel aroused for. ONce again it is the utter loss of power over my own body and that  can do something that might please Master/my love.
He said tonight that he wanted to see me touch myself and then proceeded to tell me how to. He told me to start and stop as I reached orgasm and then to start again until when I asked yet again if I could orgasm he sai I could cum for him. Oh my gosh, my orgasm was powerful. I was very very thankful to him. I love him so much for taking the time to watch me and tell me what I must do and what he requires of me. I like that I please him.
Master and I talked about how he owns all rights over my body. I felt so incredibly aroused in my awareness of this. Master seems always very cool and calm about this fact. I think he is pleased at this and my availability whenever he so wishes.
We had spent some more time looking at some erotic and provocative photos. This photographer was not quite as inspiring for me. Craig Morey is very very good at providing a full story with very simple outlines.
I am absolutely absorbed by this photo .........
 


As before I am encaptured by the stillness as she very gently lifts the lace to fully expose her beautiful breasts. I feel like this photo when Master/my love asked me to show him my breats and when he took a photo of my breasts.
From this picture I sense the pleasure in revelaing herself even when she was already visible beforehand. Nothing is private.
The look on her face is very sexy. I love too the way the lace drapes and flows over her hands and arms. I love lace.
I am tired. I think I will try and write more about my experiences with GH. Perhaps some of it is already written but the trauma remains. But not tonight.
Now I need to sleep. Master/my love drifting into a deep sleep I expect.

Bliss

ps My first Master liked me to walk on all fours naked. Master/my love has remarked on seeing me on all fours, my breasts hanging and my arse in the air. It feels very exposing and an unknowing of what is happening behind me. It takes all my humaness away from me, level with my dog. More control over me - more power taken from me

Pity Pot and Sorry Dom

Self pity and sorrow

Visualize, show up, happy dance.

Bliss, you can do this.

Dip,

The Universe

Grrrrrrrr I have been FEELING so rageful and destructive this evening. I am not sure when it started but I drove home obsessing about not knowing if my love is truthful with me. It is nothing of course to do with him but my inability this evening to let go. As his slave it's none of my business anyway. I forget that I am his slave as well when I start the obsessing.
The rage in me is burning. Or I am crying, raising black memories from mys childhood.
And then I was remembering when GW beat me black and blue. He was really encouraging me then to take an interest in the SM group he belonged to.
Ah a long long story. The reality was it was damned horrid and I was completely powerless each time and yet of course I kept allowing him back somehow. His beatings were at least attention.
He used my horse riding whip to draw blood and he smacked my pussy so hard!
And then he strangled me. As much as I was terrified I could not fight off the sensations this strangulation brought on. I feel so ashamed saying that as I was not in control at all.
And then of course in my vulnerability he had control of me - I was in total fear of him, yet waiting for his contact to know that I hadn't upset him.




Master and my love has been introducing me to erotic art or pornography . I have for a long time found erotic art very tantalising on many levels. This evening we were looking at Morey. Wow his work is so enticing and /my love/Masters knowledge of art brings it even more to life than my own attraction to the images.
Mainly I envisage myself in the place of these women.
This slaves stillness captured me. The way she looks down, demure and very humble. I imagine she has been told to avert her eyes. Her stunning shape sculpted by her bondage.
God I am aroused now - sexualising the rage I have been feeling - at last a release!

Nothing else to write today. Too much buzzing around my head. I am sure it would be better to write but instead  am going to lie down and sense my arousal. I cannot touch myself without permission from Master (my love). Oh my God I want to - then he will be disappointed but since I have been so destructive and bolshy this evening with him and now he will be sleeping, I do not think I have the courage to ask him.
ooooooooooooo I so want to touch myself - sitting here wriggling with the arousal.

Damn
Bliss!

Scribblers scribbling in the scribblers room

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Slumped and dumb - the only action, chewing gum!

Would you believe, Bliss, that here, in the unseen, just a breath away from "there," in time and space, we have gardens with such sweet fragrances they actually caress passersby? That we have melodies so rich you can actually see them dancing through the air? And colors so exquisite they tickle all of your senses?

That there are planets where everyone knows each other's names? Where flying comes naturally to all? And some have moons that hum lullabies each night?
Yet as spectacular as the infinite choices are, would you further believe that there's still quite a queue, several moonbeams long, to get back "there"? Where for every heart beating, there's a legend in the making.
You have no idea.
"NEXT!"
The Universe
 
I am trying to remember that when I am irked or irritated by someone else it is something within me and that I would like to practice accepting peoples differences and be able to smile at their nuances.
 
I got very angry with a work collegue this week, V. It seemed to me that she was getting herself very involved with 2 of the female clients whilst PD was away. One was an anorexic and the other has some social services involved. V was spinning the tale to suit what she thoght we shpould be doing and un dermining what I was saying and organising. On Friday she came back into the team without knowing the full story and determined that things should be done her way, when out of the office she made decisions based on what she wanted us to be doing.
I didn;t have the full facts to hand so when I was angry I could not and did not want to make statements that were not accurate so let her argue her case onl. On Saturday I went abouet getting all the facts together.
I told her I was angry that she had made decisions against what was already organised and in place. I said it wasn;t about the detail but that I needed to express my anger and preference. I said that I could hear she had some impotant and good suggestions which I would pass on to pD.
When I gave her the facts she started then blmaing the Consultant Psychiatrist for not informeing her correctly. Grrrr - can feel my annoyance as I write this.
Anyway - what I realised is that the more V wanted to get involved and seemingly undermine me the less I listened to her suggestions and actually worked in the complete opposite manner. I was also worried about us getting too involved with something that could result in us making grave mistakes but can see in hindsight that we could really really offer some good support for our client.
I do not like how I acted throughout this even though at the end of the day I was accurate in my facts.
I want to learn from this please Universe. I need to think more on it and write more about it.
 
Today my Master set an assignment for me -
I would like you to use your iphone
(cam app, self timer, if you like stitch too) to make me a minimum of 5 pictures in very different approach, each of good quality, featuring your bare breasts.
At least one out of these should show you on all fours.
I need you to review each pic yourself, and pick favourites.
I would like these on sunday eve before we speak, through email.
I would like these on sunday eve before we speak, each in a seperate email.

Please let me know you received and understood, or feel free to ask me for any clarification.

On receiving such an assignment I have mixed feelings. I am excited about being asked to do something that potentially could please Master. At the same time there is all the fear of not being good enough and then also the use of the photos. I trust Master fully and know that he would not harm me in anyway and only do what is right for me us him.
Having looked through a blog recently of sexually explicit photos I did wonder if he wanted them to be used in this way.
Here are his comments on receipt of the completed assignment:
Mmm thank you for your efforts my love and slave-



There are some succesful pics there that I really love, thank you-
Here's what I think:
Flash is not a very good idea.. It is always too harsh and kills every sense of atmosphere.

I like the way you look in 'varried 060'- I love that you wear my collar and I love the view in your mirror- Too bad that your breasts dont show, but I like your butt, too- :)

I like Varried 61, too. and 56, although not entirely sharp.

I like you holding your breasts, very much- Wonder how it would look wihout the flash..

I have some suggestions:

Reclining on your sofa- probably legs up on some-

On all fours from different angles- lower, hightr, front, side, etc.- hollow your back please, no flash..)

Thank you my love and my slave, looking forward to seeing you soon-
 
I am surprised that being a slave is so arousing for me. I enjoyed taking the pictures even though I am anxious about how awful I look.
I am eager to learn how to please Master and will attempt to improve upon the photos for him.
 
I found looking through web pages with sexually explicit photos with Master and my love, very arousing indeed.
It was interesting discovering the photos he found pleasing and his reasons for it.
I have issues of insecurity that what he sees is what he would prefer other tyhan me and I do not fit the women he is looking at at all. My love and Master (Ithink we were mainy lovers at that time) commented on how some of the photos were aesthetically pleasing but some were because thats what he wanted from me or for himself.
I could relate.
I also found it embarrassing to try and say which ones I liked. I think the embarrassment is that by saying that I liked any might make me look peverted.
This is all very new territoty for me. But all of it is very sexually exciting.
WIw I am even finding writing this quite embarrassing. I am a novice at being so explicit about what pleases me or not.
I like being a salve as well as I have choice removed. I must do as required of me which takes me into realms of discovery - things I might balk at or say no to incase I was thought of as bad. The demand on me itself is exciting as well as the act involved. Master is very gentle with me I think.
I am being obedient again this week with my requrements - ie stroking myself whenever i visit the toilet.
I must drink water with coffee which goes against everything I have ever done!!!!!
Some times Master is more prominent than others.
I was advised by Snaga that with her lover/Master relationship she always has that she is slave and lover in mind in all instances.
I am trying to learn this.
Sometimes the slave is more prominent in me and at other times I am lover and in love and the slave is very quiet.
I feel very much the slave at the moment - waiting for Master to be available to see me. I feel love. But I also feel that I have few if any rights. It's amazing how this gets stronger the more sexually aroused I am.
It's as if I let go of control more. Master takes full power over me at this point. I would do anything and silence my enquiring mind too.
When I have wondered mometarily if Master is telling me openly about his day then as a lave I remember I have no right to know and then stop even the thinking. As lover the thought can linger and fester.
I know this is based on still learning to trust competely adn just as being open and honest entirely is a learning curve for my love JH, then for me to trust is a very very new experience, This all is taking time.
Trust I think is earnt. Behaviours and attitudes reveal the person and whether they are trustworthy.
I need to be gentle with myself and aloow myself to grow this with time and evidence.
Just funny though how as a slave I can know my lace instantly and curb the thinking.
I think this would make keeping a person in slave mode attractive but of course the love element would surely diminish?
 
It is an interesting journey that I am making. I am sure a lot of people would find this quite peverse or worrying. I find this completely differently.
Master is not cruel and there is nothing addictive about this entire relationship I believe.
I find it loving and lovely.
 
I am now waiting longingly for Master to summon me and my lover to be with me.
 
Bliss
X

I haven't had a handbag since oooooo 1980 something ....

Bliss, you know the way, you're strong enough, and you will prevail.
Otherwise, what would be the whole point?
The Universe
 
I don't carry a handbag. I haven't liked them for as long as I can remember. There is something so very, very girly about it. And I realise there are some really girly things that I just don't get pleasure from at all. I do wonder if it's because of the contempt I picked up from my dad towards women being women. He used to tell me that women were only good for one thing. I took that to mean sex of course. He sneered at women for snivelling as he called crying and for being weak. He was scathing about women being int he army and such things. So, no doubt that has been an influence. He told me when I was very young that he had never wanted children and that he especially didn't want a girl. Now it was undoubtedly true and his opinion but it wasn't appropriate to tell me as a little girl. I absorbed that so entirely that the very core of me exists as unwanted and worthless. It is hard to challenge the belief that sits in the very centre of my heart.
The point is not what I intended to write about. It's funny how a blank page instigates so much thought and energy.
Anyway, back to the handbag. There is another part of me that just can't be bothered with the whole carrying energy. It has to sit just right on the shoulder. I think my shoulders are shaped differently - maybe that contributes to not feeling girly too then. The flipping strap is always sliding off and I was forever having to slip the handle back up my shoulder. Plus I had this feeling of something on my shoulder all the time. And I was messy - everything went into the bag. I remember carrying my cigarettes (thank goodness I have given up - 6 years ago now! Well, 6 years ago next month I think) and there was always little bits of tobacco in the bottom of my bag and it would get on other things. Finding things in a hurry was impossible. Funnily enough I had a special place for fags and lighter - make sure I knew where my addictive substance was at all times and easy access for instant relief. So having a handbag was not at all convenient for me.
I don;t remember when but I decided not to have one and have been carrying everything in my hand. It has been a juggling act - now money and mobile phone mainly but at one time - money, phone, fags, lighter. I was forever dropping things. And friends get fed up with me because when out for an evening or even now just out for a walk or something, I always say can I put my things in your bag please?
Apparently K used to buy a bag large enough to take my things too. She actually prepared for an evening out with me in that way. I suspect there is some resentment from these people but they always say yes. So I have learnt not to be co dependant and if they say yes that's their own issue.
However, I know that I need to be responsible for my choice not to have a handbag.
Now there is also another thing - probably linked with my thoughts on what it is to be girly or female. It is that I am not fitting into a cliche. I like, really like it that I am not the same as everyone else. And rather than just to be content that I am unique as is everyone, I like these very open signs that I am slightly different. I like it when someone notices my nuances that really are making a statement.
This is a part but not the largest part. I really don;t like handbags. I barely even notice other peoples handbags apart from to wonder if it will take my money and mobile. I know it is such a fashion thing for many people but I don't even recognise the design,colour, etc. So it's more than just a statement by it's absence in my life. I am pleased about this as I really don;t want my choices to be run by ego and prefer that my steps are less in anger (i.e. rebellion against social ways) and more in simple personal preference.
 
This morning I spoke with ML. The last time I spoke with her was a very very quick phone call to tell her my mum was dead. Before that? Well her daughter is 20 something. We have had a brief encounter in that time maybe once of twice.
I tracker her down after years of having her in my mind. I occasionally glanced in various places for her and then suddenly I thought that maybe she would be on Facebook. Something actually triggered that thought - I think it was a combination of some cousins suddenly asking for friendship with me and then the whole International thing being so easy. Anyway I guess all these little things were formulating to slowly, slowly dawn on me to look for her there. She wasn't there of course and today I learnt that she "hates that thing". Wow it's lovely hearing a ML expression! :)
Anyway through a process of elimination or rather connection I located J who I believed to be her husband. I hoped that they were still together as I remember my mum once suspecting that ML was having an affair. My mum was attracted to drama as me he he.
Anyway the next thing is J accepted my FB friendship and sent an email with ML's mobile phone number. Wow. I sent her text and this morning we spoke. It was brief and at times I know she did not understand all I was saying.
She spoke a little about her children and her work and now non-work!
She asked a little about my mum which was lovely - no white elephants in the room. She also said that my dad had written to her telling of his circumstances i.e re-marrying I think I understood. Ugh it was horrid when she said she always loved my dad and was so upset with herself for never responding to him. I said that I am still angry with him for re-marrying like he did and Ml was so gracious when she said how she had always loved him and what he did he did but she was still so fond of him. At least that means he didn't do anything bad to her. I was always worried that he might or even at one time that they seemed far too close. Maybe I was just jealous as he was never like that with me - YUCH!!!!
Well I have sent my email address and we both said that we would like to keep in contact. She asked if I ever visit France and I said that i would love to visit her.
Oh happily her mum and dad are both alive and well. And G is living in Annecy with her parents. Gosh they must be very ancient now. I am so so pleased to reignite this contact.
I have known Ml since we were 12 or 13.
 
So then I telephoned my dad. He had left a message yesterday morning. Of course I felt guilty for not being in yet again and had to justify myself by explaining that I had been at work. Sometimes I don't feel the need to justify my guilt. And sometimes I recognise the guilt and can change it as I have actually done nothing wrong at all.
Gosh! My dad actually said that he felt proud of me in relation to my studying and how I have been doing. That's amazin. My dad has never said anything like that before. I am sure I prompted it last year when  got angry but honest with him. The fact is that he said it. I could hear how difficult it was for him to say. I simply said thank you. He then went on to say he didn't know where I got it from - it wasn't from my mum or him is what he said. I immediately jumped to defend my mum and said that i thought mum was very clever and he was intelligent. He said thank you.
He has a real intelligence. He has a brain with potential but it seems that he has never realised his full potential. Or maybe for him he did being in the army and special forces etc. Maybe that was what he wanted. But for me he is shrouded in a lot of anger and pain and that has stopped him ever believeing in himself. He has been violent and aggressive in attitude in an attempt to try and keep something away or prove himself. I don;t know all that is behind this very shut off man. But if I look at him like I would a client it is apparent that a lot is going on underneath the very angry and at times nasty man. I wish for him that he finds peace within his soul. I hope that he can find contentment through life and not have to wait for death for the an guish to be removed. I hope he finds self forgiveness completely.
I cry as I weite that ebcause I know that I will never be a part of that contentment and forgiveness. I will not feature and have to find my own solace from all the things that he did to me as a child. I have to find forgiveness for him and for myself. It's hard and I lng for him to envelop me in proper fatherly love. BUT I can never aloow myself to get that close to him and what's more he will not let me anywhere near him.
He is but another human being on this planet. Somehow the Universe has worked it that there is this special feeling between children and parents - evolution - survival of the gene etc I am sure. Well it can be the downfall as well. OK so the gene has survived in me but the gene dies out in this strand as I have never ever wanted to have children and that's been contributed greatly by my own childhood. I have absolutely no regrets but it's irobnic how the evolutionary development of this "bonding" emotion actually can also work against the very purpose.
I did not pluck up the courage to ask for my dads finacial help. I want to borrow some money. I need my car MOT's, I would loike to have my hair cut and coloured, I need to pay a little debt I have accrued and am worried about and I want to start getting some savings back on track. Oh not to mention the irresponsible phone bill I have managed to run up. Anyway, I would like to asl my dad for help but have not got the courage because of what he might think!
I also men tione dto him about my fortcoming exam and how I am taking it at home. He enquired as to why but I did not tell him that it's special arrangements due to dyslexia etc. I believe that he would immediately be critical in a very negative manner and that would of course completely negate his feeling proud of me. He would think I cheat and am lesser a being etc etc. So i brushed it off as just the way of OU. He is not a stupid man and the lie or rather hiding of the truth will have been sensed anyway. Gosh! How many times do I say that to JH - I am afraid to be sho I am with my dad because he hates me so much already. Everything about me gives him more evidence that I am worhtless and to be hated.
Thank goodness I am growing out of this as me in the bigger world.I am pleased to be me and my whole truth. I am less and less aashamed of me.
This morning I was saying to JH how pleased I am that I have principles that I can hold for myself and I do not allow to be compromised just so that I am acceptable. And by holding this dear and important o me I can allow this dignity to others.
I get it Universe. I see how it works. Thank you. It's a pity it has to be learnt - it seems to me that living decently is not so easy to dio for many people I encounter. Does it really have to be experienced though such adversity. Or is it that some people do not need to pay attention as much as I do. They are just going along mainly in the white light? It's just the smaller number who see the black and the grey and have to keep turning to face the light?
 
 
Anyway, these two phone calls this morning raise again feelings from the past. Memories, reconnection, an array of emotions. It's gone, it's experiences, it's missing in some ways - not here today, things can never be re-hashed. Some things can be re-addressed but things with my mum for example can never be discussed or done differently with new knowledge. I miss her. Hers and my dads wedding anniversary was on 1st October - AGAIN! I didn't acknowledge it with my dad. Well after all he is married now to T. I have so much resentment towards her, him, them. Please Universe can you help me to let go of that.
I try to remember that I am grateful to her for looking after him. There was no way when my mum died was able to try and have a relationship with him. I was only just starting to pull away from his clutches and then start to look at the effects of my childhood with him So to then become involved because he was on his own. So it was good that he had already met her in some ways.
Grr there's another resentment - him and other women. He never had the decency to leave my mum and I - ignore her principles of monogamy and go behind her back. How disrespectful is that!! Do it by all means that's everyone's individual choice. But what irks me intensely is that people do it without respecting those with different principles and the only way they can  do that is to lie. Let people with similar principles gather.
None of them I am actually judging. What I am judging is the deceit - pretending to be the same but not being. And there is an power game in that even if that's not a conscious thing. My dad kept my mum under false pretences. If he had been honest I truly believe my mum would have stood by him. However all her choices were removed by his deceit and deviousness. Grrr.
And T was a part of that. She knew he was married and that my mum was dying. No fucking decency in her. But what annoys me is not that but how fucking pious she proclaims to be. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. I HATE HATE HATE the fucking pretence. Own it, be OK with who you are and if you have to hide it then fucking well change!!!!!! Don;t drag everyone else with you on a fucking lie.
 
Oh yes angry! Anyway not much acceptance and serenity yet as you can see.
I can rage about this. It taps straight into the rage that still exists of a little raped girl. Wow that rage is volcanic in me at times. I feel an energy that explodes within me. I recognise it and then can calm with gentle hugs and love for the little raging girl within me. I have to do it! I can get angry about that fact alone. But it's how it is. No one else can do it. The people that could - well my mum is dead and never seemed to know ow to and my dad - well he is the perpetrator. Nothing he says or does can take away from that.
I don't even think him owning up to is and saying sorry would be enough - well maybe.
Yes maybe it would but it would have to be a complete ownership - a half hearted something would mean little. After all he has half heartedly owned things in the past but then nothing changed. Yes that's it an ownership then a real display of a change in attitude and behaviour.
 
Oh I forget once again to say thank you and how much I appreciated as a little girl how he supported my horse riding. And he really did. If it had been up to my mum I would never have gone and then never achieved what I did. I loved my horse riding and my horse and yes just the whole environment. Thank you dad.
 
I have more to write - work, ET. Another Post
 
Bliss