Another bod on the bus

When the issues of someone else's life have you tied in knots, Bliss, it usually means it's time to start focusing on your own life.
Doesn't that feel better?
The Universe
 
It reminds me that other peoples business is not my business unless they make it so.
It reminds me of how my insecurity keeps me focused on what Master is or isn't doing when he is not with me.
It reminds me of how much energy I could invest in myself to be OK with me.
Thank you Universe

I am not very connected to me yet again this evening. Events are happening, well that's life! Yet I am uncertain of how I am about everything.
I met with JB and gave him my old phone. He is unwell, I handed over the phon. I had no desire to stay and talk and in fact couldn;t get away fast enough really. Nothing to do with him simply I have little going on in my head.
I went to the cafe - ordered and coffee and something to wat as I knew I wouldn't get home until late, I waited and the D arrived. I handed over the swag bag. Phew! A relief after all this time to have done the responsible thing. I never had any intention other than to get the money back to the meeting. But it got delayed, then delayed a little longer and then even longer. Then it became a little embarrassing and then even more embarrassing and the too embarrassing.
Well anyway it is finally dealt with. And as D says noone other than M and herself know anything about my unmanageability I can return without the shame.
Whilst I was there having coffee, SH walked in. He did not see me immediately. I mentioned to D that he was there. She remarked that he had seen me and at that point he left. It's not pleasant to be on the receiving end of his anger and obvious dislike for me. I take some comfort in the fact that a number of people have said that they no longer hear from him or thay have grown apart. It is my opinion that SH has a lot of anger and does not face  his anger in the way that I have been looking at my own. Knowing his story, I have empathy for him. I would just prefere it if sometime soon he could drop the blame that he puts upon me. We both have a part in the way things turned out and it does not help my own self belief - I believe I am always in the wrong - that he continues to hold a resentment and he shows this by ignoring me. We so rarely encounter each other these days, it just seems like energy that is so negative. Perhaps some time in the future he might be different.
It's not surprising that I dreamt that during a similar encounter he smiled and started walking over towards me. I remember feeling scared but then I don't recall what happened next.
I arrived home. Master was dealing with a very personal situation. I sent a message to ask if he was there so that I might tell him I was there if he wished to summon me but he was clearly very busy.
I turned on my computer ................
Master was in SL.  He had told me yesterday that he had been to SL but said nothing this evening.
I know Master will read this .... I am writing it because I have all sorts of uncertainty about what and how to think and feel.
I had visited SL the other day and Master had told me he was disappointed. Now he visits twice in a row.
I told him I was visiting, he tells me once not a second time. What does this all represent to me?
Once again it's not the actually entering of SL - it's the openness of what is going on.
Of course Master was busy dealing with a personal situation BUT I signed into Skype to leave a kiss hello and then he was no longer in SL but saying hello to me.
I read all too much into these things I am sure.
I would like to just put it all aside.
Perhaps Master wishes to be in SL - I suppose I feel disappointment. Master said he felt disappointed when I entered SL even thgough I had said I wasn't going to. In the greater scheme of things it's nothing. Master says he loves me, wants to be with me and invests his time into our togetherness. And the fact that he didn't say  he had been into SL
There's such a big thing about SL. There is a lot of wonder about SL - fun things to experience.
But it is also a place where people meet people. Some are simply friendly encounters. And I have met smoe incredibly lovely people and maintain contact with a couple of them.
l is also a plave where people are very flirtatious. Master states categortically that he is very boundaried as he is not an available man. ..... It'sust a funny feel that he is in SL. Master said on Sunday or Monday he had been in SL and was sarting to clear his land?
It went through my mind that as I had gone in against my own commitment not to, perhaps this was then his opening to go to SL. Even though MAster had been thinking about not entering SL before I had suggested, it somehow seems that it wasn't really such a commitment as an idea at the time. I have been a little confused about whay he meant about not going to SL as since then he has sounded less committed about not going into SL. I have wanted to ask but I think he will think I amke a big deal out of things that he thinks are less than important.
SL is a big forum for people to meet people, have close encounters and liasons. It's not all that SL is about at all.
I wonder what Master was disappointed with me about when I went to SL?
I wonder what his reasons for not going to SL were originally. He said that his reasons for going beack more recently were something to do with his land and on Sunday or Monday whenever it was it was to pay his rent and start clearing up.
My reasons for going back to SL were as I said the other day triggered by a person I know very fleetingly now experiencing Sl as a newbie and wanting "live" contact with her. But also PR is me and right now I feel so horrid as me real me that she is a way of being without having to be in my b ody. So there is an element of getting our of reality. Furthermore right now my mood is down bu when in SL I was down as well.
I didn;t feel uplifted by the brief covnersation with YF.
So I wonder what Master really wants. Why did he suggest not going to SL and then what was his reason for relaxing that decision for himself. What was his disappointment in me for going there? I am not writing this for him to read although I know Master reads everything. I am just trying to empty the thoughts and hope for some clarity within my own thinking around thigns that happen.

Well as I am very aware - nothing is making a lot of sense to me right now. I can not get clarity through thinking things through or even talking things through and writing things down is at least a jumble of thoughts down in words rather than floating around and around. Doesn;t mean though they are any more sensical.

I am too too tired to really have any clue what goes on with me.

Another bod on the bus refers to being equal with the rest of the wolrld population - not less than and not more than
Self esteem - with rights but without demand.
I like being an anybody - not a nobody and not a somebody.
I heard a man share that once when I had been talking about my own social nervousness. That self-centredness that people would be considering and judging things I said or aware of me being very quiet and awkwatd in certain social situations. And maybe people are observing and making judgements. This man said that he is learning how to be simply another bod on the bus - no better than anyone else, no less than anyone else but comfortable just being there just for who he is.
Yes more and more I get this sense. But I have to keep ego in check. It is of course related to the Freudian ego but not completely the description of ego as per the "rooms".
P (Spain) described Ego as a belief system that is a lie.
Freud talks about ego being the centric youngster who as a baby the world does revolve around and the ego demands - food, cuddles, warmth etc and expecys to receive. The ID drives the demand. BUt the go makes these into wants - where there is a flimsy super ego - too boundaried not boundaried at all there is a distortion.
Well the Ego spoken of in the rooms is not dissimilar - but the Ego oftne is the cover for a lack of self esteem and worth. It manifests in different ways. Superior and grandiose. King Baby!!
Learning to reduce that or at least be aware and then choose to reduce that is my job. And there is so much freedom not having to pretend - just being more and more acceptant of me as me - not superior and not inferior.
I am a bod - I have my place here amongst others - I am not poo on the shoe just as I am not Queen of the land he he
OK got to go.
None of this makes too much sense which is the state of my mind

Only 14 days...........

Ramble ramble

Bliss
X

The dance of being loved by another

Everyone, Bliss, lives the life of their choosing.
Not just what they chose, but what they're choosing.
Game on,
The Universe



Master awoke me at 6 am as he does every morning. I heard him calling through my dream in which my friend Atilla had been murdered!!! I am heving incredibly busy dreams. I was also so tired I didn;t think it could possibly be time to wake up.
Master wanted to look at me but I felt I am so wretched right now I tried to hide from him but this meant that he would not allow me to see him either. So of course I showed myself.
Master told me what he was doing as he placed his hand on my lower tummy with his finger just in the beginning of my slit. In his other hand he took one of my breasts. I felt completely his. It was a comforting feeling. Master knows that I am feeling so horrid at the moment.
Master said he wanted to make love with me and asked if that would be OK. I said yes of course and apologised for being so lacking in energy.
I am very very grateful how Master is so considerate of me. And not with high expectations of me too.
When he told me he must leave I really thgouth I would not see him until he summoned me this evening but then Master decided to sit and eat his breakfast with me beside him. I feel so much love for Master. I am very pleased that he seems lighter in himself. Master has seemed so pressured these last few weeks. I have been concerned about him.

I just noticed the sunrise - incredible how these colours are really felt deep inside me. The same with the autumn colours. It's as if I can breathe them in and then they swirl around and ignite my soul, like crisp, fresh air can fill my lungs. It's a similar feeling but somewhere so much deeper and even more a part of me, it's my spirit.

Last night when Master was speaking with me, he asked is I was fulfilling my slave responsibilities. I felt very ashamed but had to admit that I was not. I asked Master if even though I am feeling as I am I had to comply. Master smilingly said that he had not told me I could stop. I groaned and he smiled again. I really am having to do this ebcause I am a slave at this time and not because I am so willing. And yet I have chosen this commitment. I suppose I could ask to break out but it's commitment, commitment, commitment. Not to run when the going gets a little tougher. But PHEW! It feels difficult right now.
I woke up tired. I woke up hrting. I woke up and I want time at home just doing nothing for a few days. I realise now that when I was working with N - twice a year I had a couple of weeks of feeling really ill. I thought it was a virus but the symptoms were not dissimilar. I may have got a cold when already feeling so achey, and lethargic, and headaches, and general mallaise. I really would like time off work now but as they don't pay for sickness (grrrrr - sure it's not permitted) I cannot afford to take time off. With N it was always 2 weeks. I would always think that a week was plenty long enough but actually it took at least 2 weeks. There were times when I did have a flu-like bug too but I am certain that it occurred when my ebb was low. Last year at this time or towards the end of November I developed Swine flu - the start of SL. Leading me towards meeting Master.
Well I have to continue with my work regardless of feeling quite unwell. And I am to continue with my slave requirements. Right!

I feel increcible love for Master at this time. I have found it odd yet interesting to observe how the love between us changes - up and down - more or less - close and further away. It is a dance. Sometimes it seems that we are very very much in love and floating. At other times, it seems a little flat.
I have come to observe that it is not at it's fullest all of the time. This is usual I suppose. I have thought that if I notice Master isn;t so much in love with me then he is losing it completely. And I have thought in the past the same for me. But I am beginning to realise that life things happen and moods alter and things go up and down.
But it's not as extreme as I have always imagined. If it's less than full it doesn't mean it's time to leave.
This is a revelation to me.

What I am wondering now is how to manage these shifts and changes. If there is a lowering of love feeling, is it time to just notice and be anyway. Is it necessary to men tion anything. I wiould be afraid to say to Master that I feel less love. I also realise that it is not a feeling generated by him. The feeling is in me. Master has been himself when last my love was feeling lower. So it's not anything he is doing or not doing. And I need to remember that for myself too.
When something he is doing or being does evoke a feeling in me it is possible to speak about that - open communication as much as possible. But when it's just shifting emotion - well I can sense the shift in Master I am certain. Not always accurately narrated in my head of course!!!

I need to go and get ready for work.
Master is well on his way and wll see me this evening I believe

Poo it's hard to get going. My tummy aches - not inside - as if it's stretched - well it is.
Bliss
X

Blue Venus

Appealing. Look at the two pictures individually. Each of them has it's own appeal.
The blue body grabs me. The reflection in a partial state. Somehow her gaze is captured in the reflection. It's less about her body and more about her looking at me/us.
Whereas the blue accentuates her shape and breasts and bones and her thigh. The pose - grandiose. Purpose pose of course.
Anyway I am attracted to the photo. For looking at. And being looked at - something eerie in her looking.

Master woke me around 6 am

I am still moaning - still hurting, still breathless, and even more detached from the human race and emotions.
I don;t like being detached. For one it makes my job very difficult indeed. Keeping track of what is going on within the groups, listening to my emotional response to matters shared - nada!!
I ache - on the inside I ache. I am breathless. I am tired, extremely tired. Aaaaaaargh. And it's so boring - you have got to admit it's boring to read too.

My sleep is disturbed too. Oh yes I wake up several times and even when I am sleeping I am not certain it is restful sleep. Well I can;t undertand why I am so damned tired otherwise. I am getting more hours sleep but just tired all day and very very reluctant to wake up and get up in the monrings. Everything is double the effort.
Grr grr grr.

Uhm I realised this morning that my slip into SL was so far from OK. Walking the walk rather than just talking the talk. I have been giving myself a real hard time. I didn;t like being asked how it would be if Master had done the same thing. The truth is I would have felt disappointed too. I did when he said that he was maintaingin his land etc. I really do believe that if deciding to abstain for a while then that's what it means.
So yes I know I already had been disappointed. I did not 3ant the decision to remain out of SL to be for me and I am not sure that that wasn't the reason for Master as he seemed to wish to keep everything going and visit for the purposes of his land.
However, for me I wanted to have some time focusing on our relationship without the influences of SL. And this remains true for me. It was amazing how the pull started when I was reading about S's new adventures. I wanted to be a part of it with her for just a while and introduce her to PR. It;s such an escape too. When I was undoubtedly feeling emotions following meeting with my dad and the money gift etc. I had been terrified about meeting him following the phone call of the evening before - keeping boundaries and feeling angry and standing for my beliefs about his behaviour. And then the restlessness - well SL potentially could take me away from all of that. BUT it didn't. In fact seeing Y just made it sem dull. People day in and day out doing the same things in there. Not engaging in some ways with RL
I am surprised at how strongly that affected me. So again I wish to stay away for the time being.
What Master does is really really up to him now. I think I was attempting to impose my wishes. But he had said that he had been going to suggest the same thing. So I now wonder why he was going to suggest that and then himself changing the boundaries of that.
I do feel insecure about Master being in SL. Wondering what his motives actually are.
I do practice trust though more and more. This brings a greater view of freedom for me.
Please Universe can I hang on to this please.

M y thoughts are not so clear. I should stop trying to see things because I am so flipping well detached. I am not sound of mind I am sure.
I have a headache - again!

As for interesting stuff happening today - not much. At wor we are busy. Nothing new.
Oh god! I have the treasury money from one of the meetings. I have had it for about 9 10 months. It's a lot of miney.
I keopt meaning to drop it off as I haven'
t been able to get to the meeting. Ugh! I even borrowed some thing out of it. Well it's all up to date and finally I am going to drop it off tomorrow.
I have felt so ashamed and embarrassed.
I haven't even told anyone - until now. Of course I realise that it's these kind of things that I don't even realise I am holding onto - emotional stress that just adds a little at a time.
I am relieved I have finally made arrangements to meet up with one of the meeting regulars. She says noone attending there is aware so that relieves some of the shame. 2 of them know though. And I never have had the intention to run off with it!!!!!!!!
Ugh it feels ugly in me still

well I am tired

Bliss
X

dropping into intensity, What if?

Antares is the red super-giant star that is it's heart.

As the Alchemist knows
"As above so below
As below so above".

"We are one," says the Wizard.



Bliss, there is no detail so small, no thought however fleeting, no word unspoken, no deed mindlessly performed, that doesn't send its vibration into the unseen, reaching my heart of hearts, where it echoes and returns as more of the same.



And as your cumulative manifestations draw your attention to the stunning and absolute power you have over your destiny, you'll come to see that, really and truly, there's no such thing as a small detail.

You have the keys to the Kingdom...

The Universe
 
What if, Bliss, loneliness was simply a feeling of impatience, telepathically sent to you by friends you've yet to meet, urging you to go out more, do more, and get involved, so that life's serendipities could bring you together... Would you still feel alone?



What if illness was just the signal a healthy body sent to urge clarification of your thoughts, feelings, and dreams... Would you still, at times, think of yours as diseased?


What if feelings of uncertainty and confusion were only reminders that you have options, that there's no hurry, and that everything is as it should be... Would you still feel disadvantaged?


What if mistakes and failures only ever happened when your life was about to get better than it's ever been before... Would you still call them mistakes and failures?


And what if poverty and lack were simply demonstrations of your manifesting prowess, as "difficult" to acquire as wealth and abundance... Would they still cause you to feel powerless?

Well, whatever you feel, Bliss, I still consider you my only begotten, my champion, and my equal.

Are we close, or what?

The Universe

Sauerkraut and a cigar

Grr I really don't like the way the hormonal shifts affect my libido.
I actually feel ashamed and worthless as a woman let alone as a lsave, when my sensuality is so low. The odd thing I don't feel particularly attached to emotions. I feel flat if anything. Little seems to be exciting or even interesting. I know this will pass but bloody hell! Noone ever told me that being human was quite so bloody complicated.

Yesterday and this morning, E was talking about quite emotive matters. I could hear her loud and clear and was not in the least bit emoting. I listened calmly and without much reaction at all. I did feel very irritated actually this afternoon with A. It was the false conversation and the lack of honesty. Not a conscious decision but just fear driven to not be truly open. I did react to that. Quite crossly actually. I tried hard to keep my mouth shut as I was quite sharp tongued I think.

I wonder if anyone else notices these shifts in their emotions, their sensuality and sexiness? I wonder if people find a way to get beyond such shifts? Or is it something I just need to be patient with and let is pass naturally?

I feel that I let MAster down though. That's the hardest thing.

I want to be everything he needs me to be whenever he wants it. And I just feel unable. I am tired, I am lethargic. I am unsexy, I am lacking in enthusiasm. Poor Master.

I am very interested in what Master is doing.

Oh Gosh I was emotionally disturbed yesterday when I heardmasters  disappointment in me. I had entered SL - I was restless, irritable and discontent yesterday. I was fidgiting through life yesterday. I wanted something but nothing was doing it. I went into SL I think triggered by S's recent entry and the wow of the newness of it all. I wanted to just get PR alive again as if by doing that I might feel attached to life too. It was awful being there. I felt very uncomfortable as I suddenly thought that perhaps I was purely an addict with no strength of person and healthy will power at all. Anyway, I like to think I am more wholesome than purely addict and decided to elave again. I did not have any desire to explore further. I said hello to Y but found her to be exactly the same - nothing changing although she had started a course in RL. I am so restless that it sort of irritated me that people in SL aren't necessarily moving on through it.

Mmmm I am so restless generally. It's surely just something I need to patiently sit through. Please Universe may it pass soon - thank you.
Anyway Master had asked why I was absent from SL in the first place and why I would want to return. I had no answer to either question. This is how flipping detached from self I am. It's really, really horrid being so ...... I am not even sure how to describe how I am. And then Master asked how I would feel if he went to SL?
Again I am not sure. I would be worried that it would just be the satrt of many trips in. But then I have lost the purpose for not going in. If Master intends to go to SL then he will. I will surely feel insecure - my reason for going there was not to meet men. I wanted a little connection with S and to be taken away from this sense of nothingness I feel.

Well today I have been enjoying reading - fiction. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. Mark Haddon.
An interesting read. And this has taken me away from the discontent within me. It is so strange reading a book where the narrator is actually devoid of emotions or able to have a sense of others minds. a young boy with autism. It's a unique experience for me. The way in which he says what he sees - yet does have reactions to events in very extreme ways. The events the he reacts to arouse emotion in me - well an awareness of an emotional response and yet he has more of a descriptive and physical reponse - to extreme at times.

I wonder how Mark Haddon has been able to write from the autistic viewpoint. He surely cannot be autistic can he? To have such awareness of emotive situations and events and interrelationships.

I like some of the psychological issues that are brought to the fore and see how the course I have completed is useful in so many ways. Pedagogy - - - - - - -

For anyone hoping to be titilated through reading this Blog - current sorry!

It's just not there - would love to receive any thoughts on this shift. Being of the age I am I doubt whether many readers os such Blogs would yet have experienced the monumentla hormones shifts I am going through. I HATE IT!!!! I want it to stop yet if it stops will suggest I am even older.

I reckon by the way I have about 14 or 15 years left to live - that's not long! Oh yes can get quite bleak in my thinkiong too. A move away from the hyper I was experiencing prior to this downward trend.

Even I can't keep up with me.

A nice walk in the rain. But boy I find the change in the clocks links in with the sky getting closer and the air feeling denser. I love the rain. I love walking in the rain and my hair getting wet. I like the cooler weather, even the cold. But I don;t like the air closing in on me. It can feel quite claustrophobic during the winter months.

Love the wintry weather. It's different in the mountains - snow and high skies. Wonder what it is about this country????


And of course adjusting today to the natrual changes in the day and the association with human time - it's just out of order and feels strange to me. I am very sensitive to this change - perhaps everyone is but I wonder if we stop to notice it and just work through it. Maybe it's only me who is so flipping overly sensitive to it and I have to notice every peculiar detail.

Moooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnning Minnie - that's me.


Please please please Universe can you help this phase and the symptoms to pass quickly. Or somehow show me how to be more accetpant and therefore find a more peaceful way to be as I am.
Reading has helped - thank you.


I am looking forward to speaking with Master and listening to the events of his weekend. Hear how he has felt over the weekend. Try to learn and undertand Master and the way he connects or not and interacts with the ways of the days and interrelating with people new to him and those who he has known for a very long time. He is a lovely man. I love him.

Right back to the Curious Incident - and yes it is curious. Life and everything is very curious.
Like it most when I see it as curious and an adventure.
Curiosity killed the cat! So rather than curious - what would be healthy?

Oh I want to moan again - skin is too tight for my innards at the moment - it hurts!
Bloody Bliss

XXXXXXXXX
he he he - no flipping serenity at all

God
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the difference.


It's Halloween - I like witches

B


X

Gem In I

Ask not, Bliss, for what is already yours.
You know.
Whoot,
The Universe

http://www.kimweston.com/index.htm



How very very strange that just last night I was saying how I had wanted to ask the man estranged as my father if I could borrow some money. For weeks now I have been saying that I want to ask him. As if by saying to as many people as would listen that I want to ask him, then somehow I would find the courage. Then whilst speaking with E my mobile phone rings displaying a blocked number. I had a funny feeling I needed to answer it. My Father! Furious. Because I was on the other line and had been for longer than he was able to deal with. He commanded me to put the other line down. I did, BUT, for once I found a voice in my anger. I said how rude I thought he was, that I was talking to a friend. He objected and demanded for a little while longer but I did not budge. He said well he was too tired now anyway. I said I would call back tomorrow then and we agreed upon 10 am. I phoned E back, explaining and apologising for cutting our conversation short. She was so pleased with that I had said to my father. I had been boundaried and not submitted to his unreasonable behaviour.
Now this is interesting as for most of my existence I have complied with his wishes even when unreasonable. And I flitted by a comment recently that quite often people with an interest in slavery or submission often have childhood experiences of abuse.
Anyhow back to the story. My father called back. I knew he would. I know him so well. He apologised for being angry and said that he is giving me some money and wanted to arrange to meet for coffee. I said thank you and as agreed I would call him at 10 am the next morning. He moaned and groaned again especially when I said I was talking with my friend.
I called at 10 am - well 10 minutes before actually. I asked if it was too early. He said now and said we will meet in P at 11 am. I was there just before 11. Slightly shaken by m y assertiveness with him. Terrified as a result of being late with the call to him and the meet with him. He was later than his military precision would normally allow - 20 minutes later than coordinated timing. Ha! And so he was inappropriately apologetic - inappropriate because he blamed a traffic jam and the police etc with some cock and bull story about the policeman knowing him and words being exchanged - bullshit!
Anyway, generally the coffee meet was OK. I was myself in a sort of breezy manner - not all tense and barricaded up. He spoke mainly about trivia and other people. Oh he said that his medals were in the Will for me. I am still in the Will - phew! On condition I don;t sell them - the medals. I enquired how he and T are getting along, he choked out a bubbly "fine" into his one-shot Latte - when did he get so hip? And turned the focus onto his dislike of her daughters. So I take it then that he's not entirely happy. Usual story. Grinning and bearing his rather impulsive decision!!! Rot in hell. I should not be so mean and resentment ridden - BUT I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pray pray pray for the willingness to feel compassion and warmth. Through gritted teeth I pray that she and he are happy together and find peace in their latter years. Pray to ungrit my teeth and mean it.
Coffee drunk, hour nearly passed, time for him to turn into a pumpkin. Well he always seems to be on limited time on the rare occasions we meet. He slipped me an envelope like he was passing me an undercover job that would self-destruct when he blinks his eyes. Cash! Wow not even a cheque signed by him. Weird.
Weirder when you understand how he thought a visit from me when mum was still alive meant I was taking another brick from his house. And how he has constantly raised all the times I was a half wit with money and simply a waste of space.
Anyhow I am very grateful indeed for this gift. Not sure whether there are strings attached as he didn't want me to ask why and wouldn't tell if I did ask anyway - (ner ner ner ner ner, I could have sworn I heard this childish taunt). Then as we left he realise he had given me too much. Rather he had not taken out the money "she indoors" wanted. It's not her fucking money went through my angry mind. It's my mums! well not now my mum is dead. BUT it's till not HERS - grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
We walked to the car park, still with a jovial spring to our step. I could feel the awkwardness goodbye always brings. That time when he turns to kiss me on the cheek - as repulsive for him I guess as it is for me. What then? Oh yes because I damn well complained about him kissing the ugly step daughters and shaking my hand goodbye once. Let it hurt - don't flipping well tell him. Victim of my own bloody truthfulness.
Oh well - now I need to find a way to stop the kiss. YUCH YUCH YUCH

Anyway - he did not define me. I defined me and let him decide whether he likes me or not - he doesn't have to meet me again ever if he really doesn't like me. But I am not ever going to match up to what he wants so I can stop trying to. FREEDOM.
For today at least
I feel OK right now - somewhere is sadness for the lack of a regular father/daughter relationship. ANGER - RAGE = yup feel that alright which screens sadness so well. Once the anger subsides the sadness and hurt is sure to sting.
I did it and I have some money too.
The little kid in me was so excited that the grown up in me did not let him bully us again last night. The kid in me today wanted something - a toy - colouring pencils, something brightly coloured, something but I don;t know what. I didn't buy anything because this is familiar. Buying something with wide-eyes that when in reality again it's not meeting the need and so something else is needed - addiction - who knows. But I have been home since and writing or reading or talking with friends. Not achieving much at all but just tootling along.
I DID IT!

Oh the LL went to the vets. Happy pills for her. Hope so anyway. Scared of her ageing.
Hating my hormonal changes. Really hating them these last days. Very uncomfortable. STOP IT!

And this contributes to me feeling so unsexy - I am not at all slavish. Luckily Master is away for the weekend. He demands not from me really.
It's odd with him away. It's lovely knowing he is out doing what he loves doing. Fresh air, wood all around him, his very best friend with him and people wanting to learn from him.
It feels OK for me to just be tootling around with these little throw-ins like my father and coffee.
I am so uncomfortable I don't want Master to have to encounter me at all. Ugh - let this phase and the symptoms pass sooner than now.
I don't know why I posted the photo - I don't feel like anything sexual at all. Yet the photo sort of oddly reflects that. A hint of her nipple but trying to keep herself hidden - or is she?
I have discovered Kim Weston's photos and been enjoying them. Hints at and portions of bodies. A lot is left to a creative peruser.
I don't want to be exposed to Master in an y state less than sexy and naughty. I don't want to be exposed when my father is anywhere close by. He's in this Blog. Yuch.
He cannot get me though.

Universe I ask to be shown what I already have - to keep opening my eyes and to learn and grow through the awareness. This happens every day. Thank you Universe.
I love Master.

I have plans to speak with another friend this evening. I need Master's help to know how much time I might be permitted to have with friends.

Bliss
X

Moody Velvet Mountain. Body Landscapes

They bring me to tears every single day, Bliss.
They're almost too much to bear.
Sometimes, I even wonder how it's possible...
Of course, I'm talking about your supernatural resilience, your steely courage, and your gritty determination.
YOU WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS, and they shall say THANK YOU, DUDE.
Thy kingdom come,
The Universe



God essence of woman and sensuality in this photo.........

 

Master arrived last Friday. I was surprised that instantly the slave in me was so much quieter and the lover the main voice. Master also was less Master it seemed and more lover. I don't remember speaking very much about this.
We made love ..... often, lovingly, gently, beautifully.
Master displayed his power, reminding me that I am his slave. I submitted willingly and excitedly. For some time Master had spoken about the need to restrain me. He had asked me how I would feel about this. I remember feeling the thrill rise from my clit, through my pussy and tingle throughout my body.
Master wrapped my collar around my neck, tightening it so that I could feel it firmly. He took hold of it and pulled me towards him, then kissing me firmly and taking my mouth for his own. His tongue darting in and out of my mouth forcefully. Then he took the D-clip and attached it to my collar. I did not know what to expect. Master took his cuffs and tauntingly played with them. I felt a fear as well as the excitement. He let me touch them and feel the coldness of the metal. Master clicked them showing me how they work. Telling me that it is not advisable to cuff people with their hands in front of them, and as he tightened them on my wrists, Master took my hands over my head and clipped the cuffs to the D-clip. I was totally exposed. He coolly asked if the cuffs were tight on my wrists. I said that the right hand felt very tight. Master didn't seem to pay attention to my words as he started to use my body.
I felt excitement once again at my vulnerability and also a degree of fear at my complete helplessness. Master took every bit of me. My nipples, my breasts, my tummy, my neck, moving around my body - his mouth, his fingers. Sitting in nadu, I could feel the tension in the muscles of my arms and the cuffs pushing hard into my wrists. Master layed me down relieving the mild aching. He continued to utilise my clit and my pussy. He brought me to the point of climax, touching and looking at every part. I was helpless to hide or move subtly the parts of me I am usually shy to let him see. I could not this time.
Master, wise to the woman's body, stopped stimulating me and after a few moments my clit started to relax, the tightening in my pussy muscles loosening. Master started touching me again, fast, slow, his fingers exploring me bringing me close to climax once again. Once again, Master stopped, my moans ignored completely. The next occasion Master chose to touch me, just when I expected him to stop, he continued, pushing me over the edge into orgasm. I shook, I sighed, my muscles contracting with such strength. I could not stop. Master watched and smiled and watched. He pressed on my clit
He left me lying there, cuffed and helpless, naked and exposed. We spoke with me still restrained this way, helpless.  Master asked me to get up. He moved my position to hold me close to him. I was so thankful for his loving of me as I felt so exposed and somehow bad.
When Master eventually unclasped the cuffs from the D-clip, he brought my hands still cuffed in front of me. He did not immediately release me but instead talked about the bruises on my wrists and how that might b e difficult for me to explain..........
I was very aware for the rest of his stay that Master's cuffs stayed by our bed until he packed them as he was leaving. I was excited and wary of when he might want to restrain me again. He talked of cuffing me to the bed  - wrists and ankles and might even leave me there.
He left when we were more lovers than Master/slave.


The slave in me, at the moment, is very very quiet. The lover was the prominent one over the weekend with my love, Master. The Master  seemed not to be so prominent in him. I wonder if we reflect each other, or if actually the slave in me brings out my Master. Does Master insist on me being a good slave?  He is such a loving Master and thoughtful of my situation - very respectful. My situation is hormonal - I truly believe that hormones are very powerful indeed - over my mood, my energy, my desire, my appetite, my shape, my whole being, I know that with the little biology I have studied in understanding psychology, hormones are incredibly important and influential in our very existence. Master does not seem to try to override these and told me that he also is feeling very unsexy at this time. Maybe Master's other responsibilities are playing a bigger role right now, maybe he is unsexy because I am. I wonder how I would manage if he were to exercise his rights as Master.

I miss Master since he returned home. I loved Master being with me and me being able to do things for him. I felt very special.

Master is away this weekend. This is the first evening in 7 months he has not summoned me to speak with him. It feels odd. I have him on my mind.
I will speak with my friend E, and there is endless tim e to speak with her, Normally I am eager to end conversations so that I can be available for Master. He wondered if I felt pressured. Oh no - I long to be summoned by him. I rush around to make sure I am available for him. Howver, I do of course recognise that my friends get little of my attention these days. So Master being away this weekend leaves me feeling like there is a lot of emptiness to fill.
I also have a guilt free weekend. I have no studying to do. Not that I was actually studying all through this year. But whilst I wasn't I was always feeling the guilt. Oh thank goodness the exam is over. I oscillate between thinking I have done enough for a Pass 4 to suddenly thinking what I didn't write and how awful it was.
Please Universe allow me the Pass 4. Ashamed as I am not to have put all y effort to attain the grades I now know I am capable of, I would be grateful to pass and not have to re-visit this grinding course. Elements have been fascinating but it's also very repetitive. Grrrrrrr.

My friend S is on SL. It's odd but it's created a desire for me to return and introduce her to PR - and to enjoy her newness - see it all again through her eyes. Wow reading about her first experiences how it reminded me of the childlike wonder of my arrival into SL. The magic, the splendour, the flying, the colours, the people, the incredible numbers of people, the funniest of new experiences, nudeness by accident, vampires, costumes, beauty, well I can go on and on recalling the scenes.
I told her to look after her heart and already I read that she has met a less than reliable person. I look forward to her meeting some of the lovely people. She has been to Chakryn Forest and oh my met someone who has started introducing her to Gorean slavery.
Wow when I think of all the things that she has yet to encounter. I have had such an adventure. I wish I had written my experiences as they happened. I get too impatient to write events after they have happened - after all too much is happening int he hear and now to go back. Yet I had so many wild and colourful experiences. Fun, sadness, shock, eye-opening shock, comfort, friendship, sharing, annoyance - well you name it I had it and a heap more too.