What the fuck was that Universe?????????

I HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My heart is broken into a million pieces.
My love and I have parted ways. I hurt like I am going to explode. I miss him already.
He left this morning. I can't stop crying with such horrible horrible pain of loss.
Weeks of working through deceit and secrecy - on and on trudging through it - my anger. Reluctance to give up working through this. Real life cuddles and warmth. Further introductions into my life. Giving everything, Holding back and wary, Prying painfully trying to believe and trust.
Finally some openness and potential for change and the realisation that we could not continue.
FUCK Universe. What the hell is going on???

Months during which I have sensed the deceit and then when probing discovering various untruths. He didn't like me using the word lies. It seemed to me that JH was so full of shame that when hearing lies he heard liar as if doomed to be forever a liar. His mother once told him once a thief always a thief. I see the point that having thieved something there was not going back on having taken that action it could not be taken away. But this is so shaming and I don;t know if his mother also helped him to learn how to correct his misdemeanour. And it certainly seems familiar that he has taken that into his heart hearing he is a bad bad person. So when I talk about lies - well it looked like shame which became anger which all of course helps to keep up the complete and utter denial of anything that would expose him as bad. Oh how I know this painful trap of self deprecation. Owning bad behaviour sets me a little bit freer each time I face denial in the face. One more step away from the murky underworld. Thank goodness for recovery. Free. World widely available.

Ew yuch! I just felt the pain again. We have spoken this evening. And realising that I need to let go. Negotiating whether we speak in a little while soon or have a couple of months with no contact. And there is the risk for me that there will be no getting back together. He will be meeting plenty of women in CoDA!! Should not write that in case he reads this but at the same time, it's reality! Women are everywhere.

So months of sensing things were not always legitimate. Asking and hearing plausibility then believing and then being hurt again.
When I discovered ES was going to be visiting and how very very gradually the details of her stay were becoming clearer. JH said that the relationship was over before then. But I wonder what their time together actually consisted of. I write this to remind me not to punish. I am hurting so much it's good to know what we came through.
So there was one particular time I recall but generally the whole visit never did seem to me to be as JH as had lead me to believe. I have wondered what they really did and how they were together at that time. I remember JH saying he was going to one place with another friend. It transpired this was not at all true and it became evident that JH was spending a lot of his time with ES. Wow that was hurtful but I chose to believe him. Oh gosh without going into detail, Eva was a frequent source of concern. Photos, regularity of contact etc etc. But I came to terms and only this weekend learnt that she knew very little about JH's relationship with me. ES's response to his email to her, explaining a little more of his behaviour in reality indicated that she knew very lttle. But she had also been instinctually aware of his deception thgough interactiosn with other women. Men will never ever comprehend the instinct of a woman. But they cleverly redirect that as being insecurity. Well insecurity exists where there are things to be curious and insecure about.

I need sleep. I have not slept well for several days now.

God I miss JH. I let him further into my heart than anyone has been before. The hole left is deep. I am trying to ensure I don't let the murkiness in.

I have more to write
Bliss
XX

You are among friends, Bliss.
Everyone, always, everywhere.
Life is good,
The Universe

The Judder Man

It's the Judder Man, my dear!
Did you sense him pass by here?
You can't outwit his Daedalian mind
He knows your kind as you entered the room.
Did I see his chill rise inside
A mortal soul shiver, I assume
Peculating fingers, flesh touched,
Spirit set aside, empty,
For the Devil to find.


I have many first lines of potential poems. This one is about memories and fears but have got no further.
I need to get up and get going. I have things to do.



My love JH is on his way to the UK. For two weeks.
Exciting!! Interesting. The longest we will have spent time together in the flesh.

Well, actually, Bliss, you were different.
You didn't want a perfect life, a typical life, or even a normal life.
You wanted a one-of-a-kind.
How we doing?
The Universe
 
Master has reinstated his requirements of me that I have not been undertaking.
It's quite amazing how the slave is awakening again.
I cannot acclimatise to te differences to be adopted slave versus lover. There is an awkward fit at times.
And then there is also real life situations that drive the slave out. I read about the need to be aware of circumstances, emotiuns etc that do not fit well with the M/s situation. But if I were not a consenting slave then I would have not choice. And you know what, this is very arousing. But when there is a love relationship as well, empotions involved in that really need to be resolved within that relationship. hey cannot be over ridden it seems with the M/s relationship. Something would be lost along the way.
I can see why DD did not want anything more than a M/s relationship. There was little emotion in sense of feeling for me although he created an adoration for him.
With my the M/s relationship is wholly different. I love him first and foremost!
 
A lot to learn.
So these last 2 days I have been stroking my slit after peeing as Master requires.
Intense emotions as well as physical arousal. Humiliation, adoration, achievement when he is pleased with me, pleased to pleased, owned. It is really not easy to describe the reason why this is all so increcibly good for me.
 
Must go
Bliss

erotic evocation of the atmosphere and emotions

This may be very boring indeed but for me has been most fascinating - reading psychological research papers and articles about BDSM SMers and M/s. I started writing to my friend about it having gently disclosed my recent exploration. But I think as it has been a therapeutic exercise thus far, I will not send it and instead leave it here, safe (ish).

This started as a result of reading an article about BDSM SMer M/s and therapy. A very interesting article about prejudices and misunderstandings amongst many counsellors and indeed the DSM IV categorises sexual deviance's as pathological. There have been cases taken to court as well. These sexual activities in my view a very misunderstood. So I thought I would research further and here are some of my thoughts as I have been reading and reading.

Dear Friend (M) I just wanted to say thank you for allowing me to just start tentatively to be honest about my thoughts on Dominant and submissive interests.


I have felt ashamed of this for my lifetime about a tendency which I know was there from a young age. I have felt that I was dirty and vile. I was told off at school with another girl (aged 7 yrs) for a game we were playing in the playground in which she and I were captured and tortured by these two boys and some other girls. I have often associated this with

the very difficult times I was going through in my home life. A lot I cannot remember but have a feeling of terror and shadowy memories.

But as I am reading more and more there is a dubious correlation between submissive orientation and sexual abuse - well so far in my research. As always there are a large number of people who have been abused sexually physically mentally emotionally a spiritually. A lot of people don't even realise this is what has happened to them and carry on the legacy with their own children. More and more I come to some belief that our society is full of unhealthy behaviours and attitudes but there is little awareness. Centuries of getting to this point in my lowly opinion. So it doesn't matter within which community mega or macro, there will be evidence of abuse depending on mind-sets.

Having said all of this I am fascinated by people - everything - interactions - verbal, written, visuals, etc.etc. I have found the social constuctionism theories very compelling and heard last night this is an area you are currently studying. Perhaps we can have more time to talk about this - we talk about the daily life things but rarely get stuck into a debate. I have a hunger for knowledge so would learn a lot from you I know. And i am sure we have ideas to churn and expand on - what do you think?


Reading the article in Therapy Today has really interested me on a more intellectual level which of course helps take me away from my own feelings.

I have been doing some research this morning and wondered if you wanted snippets of info as I go along that seem interesting suggestions - the research are formal scientific and psychological research papers around the world and not general hearsay. But of course as I have learnt through my studies so far no research provides a finite answer (even when they seem to claim that).

Also bear in mind that some of the snippets I might send are a small finding within a greater study and not necessarily the purpose of the study.

My scan of the document I read is not clear so will try again as I think you might find it interesting.


One thing that was a very interesting comment -

"Sexual sadism appears more frequently in forensic contexts in combination with sadistic, antisocial and borderline personality disorders but rarely with masochism.

Masochism is otherwise reported to be more prevalent in patients of general psychiatry, however, combined with depression or dependent personality traits rather than with sadism."
Wolfgang Berner · Peer Briken, Sexueller Sadismus und Sexualkriminalität, Forens Psychiatr Psychol Kriminol (2010) 4:90–97

I found this very interesting. As I had been diagnosed with Borderline and also Personality Disorder as well as an addictive personality of course. (Amongst many others ahahahahaha). There are times when I feel almost entirely non-sexual and at these times do not want to engage with anything remotely sexual. So i thought I would try and note my mood levels and see if there is any correlation. I am unclear on the term general psychiatry and will see if one of the consultants could clarify their interpretation of this. Currently I believe this to mean falling between the lines of the norms. Back to the diagnostic labels have been given - well I read the criteria and to be honest could fit into any at some time. I am reading about Aspergers at the moment and think "ooo I do that, and that!". But there are some people who fit entirely inot the criteria and don't have anything else as well. Probably like the chronic alcoholics mentioned in the AA Big Book.


The above research paper was primarily investigating sadism but of course it doesn't exist without the masochistic element, someone or something has to be on the receiving end. And of course the findings are suggest there is a high level of sadism within forensic cases not meaning that all sadistically orientated people are murderers at the high end or criminally aggressive.


Do you know of much literature on the subject? Does it appear through the ages specifically? I know of but not in detail the Story of Anne Desclos and Gorean books by John Norman. I was just interested how this very underground sexuality features. And is there a link too with Goth Vampires etc?


Funny thing is, sidelining slightly, I am so controlling and the submission is about handing over control entirely. I think some of the relief of submission is being able to not be in control of my destiny. Within that there is a sense of freedom finally for me. Expression and exploration are more accessible.


Will add more thoughts and findings (just delete the whole thing if its too boring or too distracting or just something you are just abhorred by)
Ha ha - have even written off to a couple of the Profs. I am insane

I found this conclusion from a research quite reassuring actually. Having been recently actively speaking with people to learn about Dominant/submissive relationships, I thought how much more at ease some of these people seemed. Open. Some were judgemental bout vanilla relationships but less judgemental and more saying that vanilla wasn't for them. Whereas people with supposedly more normal sexual activities do seem to make judgements against people practising sexual diversity. And as I write that it's similar in most instances of alleged normality and the judgements against anything slightly different and challenging - control through fear perhaps. Funny that the research is into the deviations from everyday when quite possibly the everyday is the more unhealthy. Just a thought.

"Our findings support the idea that BDSM is simply a sexual interest or subculture attractive to a minority, and for most participants not a pathological symptom of past abuse or difficulty with “normal” sex."
Richters J, de Visser RO, Rissel CE, Grulich AE, and Smith AMA. Demographic and psychosocial features of participants in bondage and discipline, “sadomasochism” or dominance and submission (BDSM): Data from a national survey. J Sex Med 2008;5:1660–1668.

It seems that until recent research, anyone practicing what is being named as "kinky" sexual interests are psychologically abnormal, have been involved in sexual abuse or are sexually deficient. This continues to be the diagnosis in the Medical Manuals. But there is more and more research disproving these earlier findings. I like the fact that in the research mentioned above it highlight the fact that much of the evidence supporting these earlier claims is gathered from people who have been criminally charged. I think that sheds a light on other facts.

A sexual interest or subculture attractive to the minority was the conclusion from the above mentioned research paper. And not a result of anything psychological wrong. Interesting. The study also showed a greater number of women involved in BDSM. But then all sorts of factors might have influenced the stats.

I will continue to add this as I read and discover - of course all the thoughts and opinions I write are merely that ....

It has become clear in my research of the research that BDSM SM M/s sexual activities are being found to be not a clinical issue. The reference is to subculture and alternative sexual activities. It made me smile when reading an article about how therapists need to conduct themselves, that importance was made to remaining aware not try and elimnate or cure the sexual acitivity as being pathological. It wasn't such a long time ago that homosexuality was something that had to be cured!!!

This is an interesting website - https://ncsfreedom.org/

Owned

the sting of His whip~ the welts from His crop~ the warmth of His kiss~ the click of the lock~ assures me i am His most cherished possession..
written by a fellow slave.



After a week or more of what has seemd like turmoil to me between my love and I, Master asked if i wanted to be set free. I had mentioned something about this at some point amidst all the ups and downs between my love and I. The slave in me has been practically non-existant and there has instead been sadness and fears and confusion. Apparently when circumstances involve more difficult emotions, in some M/s relationships, the roles are discontinued. It seems that this has happened organically between Master and i.
i fell silent when Master asked this question. Being without Master, what a thought. And I wasn't sure how closely this was linked with the end of the relationship all together. Or maybe Master thought our lvoe relationship could be better without the added dimension.


Master owns me. i cannot make such a decision. i consent to being Masters slave. Isn't his decision then to decide if Master would prefer to set me free.

The spider in the vibrating larynx

How do they know? The statistic that is given of how many people swallow spiders in their sleep. Allegedly many a fateful spider drops from above into the open jaws of the snoring unsuspecting below. Imagine the horror for the spider, being tossed and turned and the deafening sounds and force gale winds.
But how do they calculate sucha stastic. The statistyic comes from hearsay anyway - I have never searched for the statistic itself. It has been mentioned to me by a number of others through the years. It's a myth I am sure that gets dropped into conversation as a caveat or a joke.

I an feel my grace returning. I am less reactive but not completely reaction-less. I am a little more thoughtful of what I need to say to be responsive to my emotions.
It is horrid hearing how my love thinks he is bad. He seems to interpret some things that are said or actions as him being bad.I feel sad to hear him say this. And I can relate too as I think I am bad and the problem.
I know he is not THE problem and is not bad. I know rationally that I am not THE problem or bad. We both have a part in the way we interact which contributes to the us.

My love spoke about a reluctance to be sexual with me. In my mind I am touching him all the time and snuggling into him when he is not looking. I keep putting my heart in his hand when he is occupied so that he won't notice it. ALWAYS, AlwAYS, I am either holding his hand, or touching his face, or have my foot on his foot, or touching him in some way. I never let go.

I keep asking the Universe to help me just be. Put trust into the process. JH my love tells me he is working on his openness and honesty. I know he has started and its difficult for him when I react once again to the details. He reacts to that by closing down no doubt. This is the circular motion of this part of our interaction. I try to step out of this. I find it difficult though because it overlaps another process that has taken place. They are not necessarily spirals but overlapping circles of interactive processes.
I get hooked into the detail because previous circumstances and discussions, even though worked through individually have an influence. On those few occassions changes have been discussed and dealt with but the principle hasn't altered throughout. So the detail has been dealt with but the overriding behaviour isn;t adjusted despite the area recently becoming visible being negotiated. And then my questioing and insecurity is triggered so I am alert to every little detail being said. I really don't like how this reactionary alertness is alive in me. I keep asking the Universe to help me keep away from this. But my insecurities are heightened and so I react.
The feeling of hurt is so not nice. I am so scared I will lose JH, my love. And yet to just let go and be and trust that whatever happens is OK - it is OK just loss of someone I love so much would be a lot of healing to have to manage. Reminds me of the lyrics - A real emotional girl - Randy Newman.
She's a real emotional girl


She wears her heart on her sleeve

Every little thing you tell her

She'll believe

She really will

She even cries in her sleep

I've heard her

Many times before

I never had a girl who loved me

Half as much as this girl loves me

She's real emotional



For 18 years she lived at home

She was Daddy's little girl

And Daddy helped her move out on her own

She met a boy

He broke her heart

And now she lives alone

And she's very, very careful

Yes, she is



She's a real emotional girl

Lives down deep inside herself

She turns on easy

It's like a hurricane

You would not believe it

You gotta hold on tight to her

She's a real emotional girl



I believe and then it becomes apparent it's not so true after all. JH my love tells me that he loves me, that he has never taken his love away and given it to someone else. I know this and that's beautiful. I have my very own love from him.
I don;t know if I am able to express that this is precious to me and I really feel the same. I have love for my friends and have loved in the past but it does not deflect at all and in any way from my love with JH. Nothing comes in the way of that.
What is the difficutly and I am hurt by is that even though he loves me he has been unable to be open and honest. Trust develops. I put trust in things and learn from there. Trustworthy behaviour develops trust. So when I am told one thing and believe in it, it is a real painful realisation when I disover that that is not the truth. Tis does not seem loving - love involves respect, dignity, putting trust in the process too, and the rest.
By keeping things hidden or not tellin g the truth it is a form of keeping control and not at all trusting the process.
It may be that I tell something to someone and they don;t like enough to break contact with me. Well to not tell them is taking away that right of choice. Oh boy have I done that in abundance. But I would rather at least be honest and them make that choice but still at least respect me for my honesty. What ever their thoughts on what I have told them.
THIS IS ME _ I HAVE NOTHING ELSE> I LIKE ME ENOUGH TO BE OPEN ABOUT ME> I GIVE MYSELF THE DIGNITY OF REVEALING ME TO EVERYONE
If you don;t like me - well that's your choice and it make rock my confidence for a while but I still like me.
And one thing is for sure I have to stay with me for a very long time so if I don;t like me I need to look at what I am doing that is unlikeable and I can change that. If someone else doesn;t like it I can take a look at it see if they have a point or not and adjust accordingly
It helps when others tell me thigns as I mioght not have noticed and been disliing myself without knowing why. Conscience is amazing - it tells me what is going on I just have to listen and work out what it is that conscience is telling me.
Of course I don;t take critique so well all the time.
So I can understand if JH my love feels discomfort at me pointing out something I don;t like.
God I felt awful at having been unboundaried on a persons blog. It was so helpful to be told how that looked and I could make adjustments not just for that occassion but to practice adjusting my choices all together.
I have learnt a lesson beyond the one instance
 
Oh I have to go.
 
Son;t open your mouth when sleeping. You never know what might drop in and be tortured in those vibrating larynx.
 
Bliss
XX

Free destination for the incurably curious

Never underestimate your own importance, Bliss, in the world today and in worlds to come.
I can't even wrap my mind around it.
Truly,
The Universe
 
 I ... am in love with a man who loves women. I ... love him for who he is.
My love, JH.

The title quote is owned by Wellcome Foundation. Of course if needed to remove it I will.
I could not resist it, the image within me so big as a result of the words so immense I cannot put it into words of my own.


'High Society' is now open in Wellcome Collectionfrom 11 November 2010 to 27 February 2011.


With the illicit drug trade estimated by the UN at $320 billion (£200bn) a year and new drugs constantly appearing on the streets and the internet, it can seem as if we are in the grip of an unprecedented level of addiction. Yet the use of psychoactive drugs is nothing new, and indeed our most familiar ones - alcohol, coffee and tobacco - have all been illegal in the past.
From ancient Egyptian poppy tinctures to Victorian cocaine eye drops, Native American peyote rites to the salons of the French Romantics, mind-altering drugs have a rich history. 'High Society' will explore the paths by which these drugs were first discovered - from apothecaries' workshops to state-of-the-art laboratories - and how they came to be simultaneously fetishised and demonised in today’s culture.
http://www.wellcomecollection.org/whats-on/exhibitions/high-society.aspx

Free Universe, free planet Earth, free life. And how could anyone ever be bored. The complexities of people with people. The places. Have you ever looked at the intricacy of a fern leave opening in spring time. Oh my gosh what stunning beauty. Year after year so far, an abundance ofbeauty and wonder. Just stop look and listen.

Yesterday at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month, I along with other colleagues and clients stopped for 2 minutes silence to mark the moments during Armistice Day.
I could hear the silence across our country. Not a car could be heard, no moment other than the planet doing its thing. I really felt the power of those 2 minutes yesterday. I thought about all the men that have died fighting on behalf of this country and thought about all the people stopped and thinking. Probably lots not thinking at all and wondering about the 2 minutes :). There was an immense energy in those two minutes. I want to connect like that more often. I have stood at the top of the hill here in East Meon and suddenly I can almost see the oh so fine threads connecting everything and everyone.

Damn I have to leave.

More to write - loads more.

Bliss
X

Belle

Don't be afraid to go where you've never gone and do what you've never done, Bliss, because both are necessary to have what you've never had and be who you've never been.
Be the ball,

The Universe