Carrying the fear

Something happened at work today that left me feeling helpless and scared and wanting to protect and save.
Furthermore, I feel unwell
And  feel angry with my employers because their attitude to sickness creates ion me a feeling of guilt for feeling ill. Something I can long tap into. My mothers thought son sickness were you were only off if developing rigormortis - funny but with a very serious message in too. And my dad just didn't tolerate sickness at all. Poor him trying to tolerate himself now with all his ailments through ageing.

Anyway it's difficult at times as I feel trying to deal with the feelings that arise as a result of things at work.
I can;t always identify what is mine and what is being carried. I want to talk to friends just to expel all my feelings. Which is what I do mainly without needing to talk about details that I am not allowed to anyway. It is hard sometimes though because there is the detail too - we have supervision every 2 weeks which of course helps but often the feelings get squashed down in the rush of work and not speaking about them.
Then feelings are resurrected from time to time.
I have been thinking often about situations from last year just recently.
I don;t know - then it surely affects my mood ....

I feel ill - going to sleep!

Bliss
xx

Him

My manic and I
Laura Marling
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOYZwQ8-FEE

He wants to die in a lake in Geneva,
The mountains can cover the shape of his nose.
He wants to die where nobody can see him,
But the beauty of his death will carry on so
I don't believe him

He greets me with kisses when good days deceive him
And sometimes we're scorned and sometimes I believe him.
And sometimes I'm convinced my friends think I am crazy,
Get scared and call him but he's usually hazy
At one in the morning the day is not ended
By two he is scared that sleep is no friend.
And by four he will drink but he cannot feel it,
Sleep will not come because sleep does not will it

And I don't believe him
Morning is mocking me
I'll wander the streets avoiding them eats
Til' the ring on my finger slips to the ground
A gift to the gutter, a gift to the city
The veins of which have broken me down.

And I don't believe him,
Morning is mocking me

Oh the gods that he believes, never fail to amaze me
He believes in the love of his god of all things,
But I find him wrapped up in all manner of sins
The drugs that deceive him and the girls that believe him
I can't control you, I don't know you well
These are the reasons I think that you're ill.

I can't control you, I don't know you well
These are the reasons I think that you're ill.

And since last that we parted, since last that I saw him
Down by a river silent and hardened
Morning was mocking us, blood hit the sky.
I was just happy my manic and I
He couldn't see me the sun was in his eyes
And birds were singing to calm us down
And birds were singing to calm us down
And I'm sorry young man I cannot be your friend
I don't believe in a fairy tale end
I don't keep my head up all of the time
I find it dull when my heart meets my mind.
And I hardly know you I think I can tell
These are the reasons I think that we're ill
I hardly know you I think I can tell
These are the reasons I think that I'm ill

And the gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me
The gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me
My nihilist, my happy man, my manic and I
Have no plans to move on
The birds are singing to calm us down
And birds are singing to calm us down

Changing recurring choices that no longer work

Actually, it's not that there are recurring themes in a lifetime, Bliss, but that there are recurring choices.
Isn't that totally awesome?!
Love, love -
The Universe

Just one of the many benefits of working the Steps has been identifying patterns that have never or no longer serve me well. The difficulty once identifying them is making changes. Re-learning, adopting newer and healthier patterns.
And of course there is the tricky trickster called denial - justification, manipulation, dishonesty with myself, or dishonesty with others to keep the behaviours etc from being detected, shame, etc etc. Denial manifests in many forms.
In early days of recovery I was riding the pink fluffy cloud thinking  knew it and had got it, whatever it was.

The great thing about the continuing growth is that I can see there are just as many choices as I care to even try to think about. I just need to keep opening my eyes to see the choice. The next step is choosing the ones that are less instant gratification but more in line with my values and principles. There we are - back to how the values and principles I have form my boundaries and how my emotions are just one of the ways that the Universe communicates with me.
Thankfully I am now very aware of healthy choices and how when I repeat those I continue to grow and feel better. Equally when I opt for the old patterns or less healthy choices, I can feel it. My self esteem is a great indicator. Doing esteemable things brings esteem. And the opposite applies of course.

I am feeling unwell. I feel quite sickly and have a headache. I cannot afford to be off sick because  this company I work for adopt a zero tolerance. I think this is unreasonable! As JH pointed out yesterday I hadn't thought that. I thought that they were right - after all why should they foot the bill when people aren't well, But JH reminded me of the welfare system and how our ancestors fought and even died for the sake of more equality and rights for employees etc. I am annoyed at my company for the way they do not look after their staff.
Ad yet I know for management it is much more flexible and negotiable. ET should not tell me really. It simply breeds contempt!! Fuck em. I am not loyal to them at all. I like my work and I love working with the clients. But I do not rate the company. No training, no decent pay, no sick leave, bare minimum really! Fuck em!

This monring, JH and I were sexual together. I have very mixed feelings about this. I love sharing this sexual intimacy with him. I love the feel of his hands on me. Yet I am still feeling the pain that he was being sexual with other women when I was finally allowing a man right into my soul. Offereing true true intimacy. Again it was a choice I made based on the fact that he was telling me certain things. Of course learning that this was not the truth is the point. I gave of me thinking I was making choices. Actually I was not. If I had known I would have made different choices. Yes I could have had a sexual fling but this is what I would have known it to be. Instead I thought I was getting really close with a man who was respectful of me.
So when having a sexual encounter this morning, I could feel that hurt. Hurting because I love him so much and want to be able to be open and sexually intimate. Intimacy is so different from sex.
I am still trying to put trust in the relationship let alone trust JH directly. It's hard. He was not truthful with me from the very start and yet kept telling me to trust him. He says he understands the difference now. I am hoping he does. I do not want to feel the pain I have been feeling. The problem is that to keep open to people and meeting that person who truly soul connects, requires me to meet along the way a lot of people who will hurt me.
I hope that JH can be that person as I love him. He has a lot to do though. He needs time.
I hope that his desire for sex doesn't trigger him. I hope he knows the difference. I hope he can see clearly what this last 9 months has been teaching him.
Universe I understand that he didn't do this to me. I am not a victim, it hurts nonetheless and brings questioning. I am sad that this is the way it has been. I wonder why I didn;t say goodby when I first knew he was not telling the truth. There were several signs. I really knew when the stories didn;t add up when ES was with him. He had told me that he wanted a monogamous relationship with me. I suspect he really believed it but .... well he says he didn't realise. That is not possible. Everyone knows deep down what they are doing - he knew otherwise he wouldn't need to keep things secret or tell lies to cover up. Anyone who is doing something entirely innocently does not know to do this. So he knew at some level.
Anyway this isn;t going over and over old ground, this is till trying to heal. As soon as I touch the real love I feel for him, I touvh the hurt too. It's easier not to love in some senses but I do not want to be closed down. I want to be a loving person, the loveing person I am. Pity that people take advantage for their own gain and do not see what I have to give and respect and cherish that. By not, it is so easily gone!

Universe - I hope and pray for people to see clearly and have all their heart desires. I hope that their choices will be healthy for their soul.
I have a heaviness in my heart. A lump in my throat.

Leaving for work now
Bliss
XX

Paris Je T'Aime

A collection of 18 short stories, directed by many famous directors and acted by many famous actors.
- mysterious, odd, vampires, sad, interesting, funny ....
Stories connected simply by being in areas of Paris. Things happening in the one City at the same time, different times, but all in one City.

Directed by


Olivier Assayas (segment "Quartier des Enfants Rouges")
Frédéric Auburtin (segment "Quartier Latin") (transitions)
Emmanuel Benbihy (transitions)
Gurinder Chadha (segment "Quais de Seine")
Sylvain Chomet (segment "Tour Eiffel")
Ethan and Joel Coen (segment "Tuileries")
Isabel Coixet (segment "Bastille")
Wes Craven (segment "Pere-Lachaise")
Alfonso Cuarón (segment "Parc Monceau") (as Alfonso Cuaron)
Gérard Depardieu (segment "Quartier Latin")
Christopher Doyle (segment "Porte de Choisy")
Richard LaGravenese (segment "Pigalle")
Vincenzo Natali (segment "Quartier de la Madeleine")
Alexander Payne (segment "14e arrondissement")
Bruno Podalydès (segment "Montmartre") (as Bruno Podalydes)
Walter Salles (segment "Loin du 16e")
Oliver Schmitz (segment "Place des Fetes")
Nobuhiro Suwa (segment "Place des Victoires")
Daniela Thomas (segment "Loin du 16e")
Tom Tykwer (segment "Faubourg Saint-Denis")
Gus Van Sant (segment "Le Marais")

The 18 arrondissements are:




Montmartre (XVIIIe arrondissement) — by French writer-director Bruno Podalydès. A man (played by Podalydès himself) parks his car on a Montmartre street and muses about how the women passing by his car all seem to be "taken". Then a woman passerby (Florence Muller) faints near his car, and he comes to her aid.

Quais de Seine (Ve arrondissement) — made by the husband-and-wife team of Japanese-American screenwriter Paul Mayeda Berges and Indian-British director Gurinder Chadha. A young man (Cyril Descours), hanging out with two friends who taunt all women who walk by, strikes up a friendship with a young Muslim woman (Leïla Bekhti).

Le Marais (IVe arrondissement) — by American writer-director Gus Van Sant. A young male customer (Gaspard Ulliel) finds himself attracted to a young printshop worker (Elias McConnell) and tries to explain that he believes the man to be his soulmate, not realizing that he speaks little French. Marianne Faithfull also appears briefly in the film.

Tuileries (Ier arrondissement) — by American writer-directors Joel and Ethan Coen. A comic film in which an American tourist (Steve Buscemi) waiting at the Tuileries station becomes involved in the conflict between a young couple (Axel Kiener and Julie Bataille) after he breaks the cardinal rule of avoiding eye contact with people on the Paris Metro.

Loin du 16e (XVIe arrondissement; literally: "far from the 16th") — by Brazilian writer-directors Walter Salles and Daniela Thomas. A young woman (Catalina Sandino Moreno) sings a Spanish lullaby ("Qué Linda Manito") to her baby before leaving it in a daycare. She then takes an extremely long commute to the home of her wealthy employer (whose face is not seen), where she sings the same lullaby to her employer's baby.

Porte de Choisy (XIIIe arrondissement) — directed by Australian director Christopher Doyle and written by Doyle with Gabrielle Keng and Kathy Li. A comic film in which a beauty products salesman (Barbet Schroeder) makes a call on a Chinatown salon run by a woman (Li Xin) who proves to be a tough customer.

Bastille (XIIe arrondissement) — by Spanish writer-director Isabel Coixet. Prepared to leave his marriage for a much younger lover, Marie Christine (Leonor Watling), a man, Sergio (Sergio Castellitto) instead decides to stay with his wife (Miranda Richardson) after she reveals a terminal illness - and he rediscovers the love he once felt for her.

Place des Victoires (IIe arrondissement) — by Japanese writer-director Nobuhiro Suwa. A mother (Juliette Binoche), grieving over the death of her little boy (Martin Combes), is comforted by a magical cowboy (Willem Dafoe).

Tour Eiffel (VIIe arrondissement) — written and directed by French animator Sylvain Chomet. A boy tells how his parents, both mime artists (Paul Putner and Yolande Moreau), meet in prison and fall in love.

Parc Monceau (XVIIe arrondissement) — by Mexican writer-director Alfonso Cuarón. An older man (Nick Nolte) and younger woman (Ludivine Sagnier) meet for an arrangement that a third person ('Gaspard'), who is close to the woman, may not approve of. It is eventually revealed that the young woman is his daughter, and Gaspard is her baby. The film was shot in a single continuous shot. When the characters walk by a video store, several posters of movies by the other directors of Paris, je t'aime are visible in the window.

Quartier des Enfants Rouges (IIIe arrondissement) — by French writer-director Olivier Assayas. An American actress (Maggie Gyllenhaal) procures some exceptionally strong hashish from a dealer (Lionel Dray) whom she gets a crush on.

Place des fêtes (XIXe arrondissement) — by South African writer-director Oliver Schmitz. A Nigerian man (Seydou Boro), dying from a stab wound in the Place des fêtes asks a woman paramedic (Aïssa Maïga) for a cup of coffee. It is then revealed that he had fallen in love at first sight with her some time previously. By the time she remembers him, and has received the coffee, he has died.

Pigalle (IXe arrondissement) — by American writer-director Richard LaGravenese. An aging couple (Bob Hoskins and Fanny Ardant) act out a fantasy argument for a prostitute in order to keep the spark in their relationship.

Quartier de la Madeleine (VIIIe arrondissement) — by Canadian writer-director Vincenzo Natali. A young backpacker tourist (Elijah Wood) falls in love with a vampiress (Olga Kurylenko).

Père-Lachaise (XXe arrondissement) — by American writer-director Wes Craven. While visiting Père Lachaise Cemetery, a young woman (Emily Mortimer) breaks up with her fiancé (Rufus Sewell), who then redeems himself with the aid of advice from the ghost of Oscar Wilde (Alexander Payne).

Faubourg Saint-Denis (Xe arrondissement) — by German writer-director Tom Tykwer. After mistakenly believing that his girlfriend, a struggling actress (Natalie Portman), has broken up with him, a young blind man (Melchior Beslon) reflects on the growth and seeming decline of their relationship.

Quartier Latin (VIe arrondissement) — written by American actress Gena Rowlands, directed by French actor Gérard Depardieu and French director Frédéric Auburtin. A separated couple (Ben Gazzara and Rowlands) meet at a bar (run by Depardieu) for one last drink before the two officially divorce.

14e arrondissement (XIVe arrondissement) — written and directed by Alexander Payne. Carol (Margo Martindale), a letter carrier from Denver, Colorado on her first European holiday, recites in rough French what she loves about Paris.

Bliss
XX

Tonights talk - impromptu

The architect Charles-Edouard Jeanneret (1887-1965), known as Le Corbusier, was born in Switzerland in the small town of La Chaux-de-Fonds, where he lived for 30 years. In 1917 he moved permanently to Paris.


The Villa Jeanneret-Perret, known as the "Maison blanche" (White house), constructed in 1912, was the first work of Le Corbusier with full autonomy. The Villa Schwob, known as the "Villa Turque" (Turkish Villa), constructed in 1917, was built for the watchmaker and industrialist Anatole Schwob.







I like his glasses.
It's so interesting how JH is interested in this man. And often speaks of him and refers me to hi,


This is his lovely cabin apparently - humble, charming.
But this Unite D'Habitation en Marseille - yuch. A unit compirising of so much more than  simply a block of living units. - An hotel, play ground, running tracks - and each apartment could be individualised according to JH





Domino House

Amazing when you consider this was almost 100 years ago. Very before his time ...... I like the Domino House idea





According to JH he designed upside down - he used metal chains to connect floors .... hanging them and then covering them.....really interesting.




 And sandbags to change the shapes ...







And barhroom furniture too

Imagine combining the straightness of Le Corbusiers vialla with the hanging chains and irregularity of Gaudi in the open space. Can't envisage I am not that visionary but .... have a sense of something.

Bliss
XX

squashed boobies

Today I had my titties squished and apparemtly I am lucky to have got to this age than not!!!!! Quote of the century when a young whipper snapper is grappling with my breasts and laughing at me being of that age when unfortunately I have to do this every 3 years now. Think I would rather it was all in dead silence!!!!! All dignity turned into a breast tissue on a plate. Oh well.


It hurt too!
 
Mind you the last time I had a mammogram (they thought there was a lump about 4 years ago - there was nothing) the consultant was like Rosa Klebb from the 007 film From Russia with Love.

 
I had had the squished bit and was then called into the consulting room. Dr Klebb was woman handlling my boobs, chatting away and I was bemused. I wonder now if it was a man in drag - after all it's not the easiest job for a man to get I imagine. :)
 
 
Bliss
xx

Universal hurt healing

When you understand why something hurts, Bliss, it stops hurting.
When you understand you have options, you take action.
And when you understand you have wings, you can soar again.
Capisce?
The Universe
 
I do have some understanding and it does hurt less.