Mentalising comparts

First day or rather half day back at work.
I was anxious and excited .....

There were some lovely greetings, real welcomes. PD was very generous with his welcome. My manager and the HD were also very easy going and supportive. I managed to avoid secretary squeals. I know that's judgemental but somehow that's what it's like in my head when they are on the go :)
Then a somebody started telling me how I have been feeling and what I should be doing. I just went quiet despite them having asked me about me and not listening to the entire situation. Diagnosing me without having the experience to do so. I felt the anger in me rise. Internally I was critical of them and labelled them as very very controlling and directive.  Anyway rather than react to all of that I just nodded, listened and smiled. This person would not hear if I told them how I was feeling because I felt unheard and dictated to. So it was best to let it go. When I enquired with a friend later on how they would deal with that they said they would compartmentalise them - when I asked what compartment they would put them in - they said the IGNORE box. This made m smile.
I forgot to ask anyone else after that.

I only worked until 2:30 and then went for my appointment with the psychiatrist. My first meeting with him. We went way over the allocated time - 2 hours!!! I was exhausted at the the end of the meeting. Squishing my life into  hours and a lot of detail. Him delving into responses even deeper. Phew it was hard.
It was thorough. And he thinks he can help me. He is going to arrange some medication that might assist. I damn well hope it does. I am feeling so much better but I am scared now that I won't again. The thing is now I am scared that the medication will have an effect on my emotions. I do not want to not feel. I need to do some more research.
It's feeling like I am stuck between hell and high water.

Food plan on track
Recovery plan in order
Need sleep

Bliss
XX

A little bit of love lingers on ....

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost you witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
That I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

I see my life come shining

I shall be released

They say everything can be replaced.
That every distance is not near.
So I remember every face
Of every man who put me here.

They say every woman needs protection,
Then they turn around and tell you
Every woman's got to fall.
I swear I see my own reflection
Somewhere far beyond this wall.

I see my light come shining
From the west down to the east.
Any day now, any day now,
I shall be released.

Now yonder stands
There in that lonely crowd,
A man who swears he is not to blame, no, no.
And if you ask him has he ever seen this lonely woman,
He'll tell you, "No, no, no."
What's more, he does not know my name!

But I see my light come shining,
Shining, shining, shining from the west
Straight on down to the east.
Ah-anyday now, any, any old day now,
I am going to, I am going to be released, yeah!

They tell ya, tell ya every woman,
They tell ya every woman
Got to have protection,
Then they turn around and tell ya,
"No! We gotta make that-a woman fall!"
Oh, god, I swear! I swear I see,
I see my, my very own reflection
Far and away beyond, way, way beyond
These old walls!

That's right! I see, I see my light, my light,
My light is shining, shining, shining,
Shining, shining, shining, shining
From the west straight on down to the east.
And any day now, do you hear me?
Any day now, I shall be,
I am going to be released!

Any day now, any day now, any day now,
Any, any day now, oh, any day now,
Any day, any day, any day,
Any day, any day, any day,
Woah, any day, any day, any old day now,
Yeah, any day now
I am going to, I shall be released!

Woah, any day now, I shall see again!
Any day now, I shall be free again!
Any day now, they'll let me be again!
Oh, any day now, any day now, any day now,
Whoa, help me, any day, any day,
Any old day now . .

Burning energy, consuming negativity

I had a few more disturbances through last night. I don't remember my dreams. I felt a difference in my energy levels this morning and decided to make the early morning walk a little lighter. Actually it was later than usual as I slept longer. I obviously needed more sleep but .... Anyway I have noticed too my mood has lowered. There is a negativity and that sense of loss again. Massive loss. I can't really identify the detail. It's just that nothing will ever be the same even yesterday will never happen again and time is passing.
I felt last night a burning energy and wondered if that's the mania again. I felt edgy, wanting something but not knowing what, feeling lonely and yet wanting my own space.
I wonder if this is more of the same thng - highs and then a drop into the low.
But I received a call this morning from a friend and we were talking abuot acceptance and daily experiences and ups and downs and it was me who was saying all these things. As I heard myself I could engage with it and my mood has certainly lifted. I thank my Higher Power for sending me the calls each time. Like the call last evening as I drove home. I received a call from a woman who is absolutely crumbling under the emotional confusion of being in a relationship. I can hear her denial of being needy and yet the pain she is in and turnig that into anger. I heard her and I heard myself. And that is what I would like to heal before even venturing into meeeting someone else. I want to feel worthy to meet a person and not feel the absolute need to have sex with them in case they go away. I can see how I thin I am bad and unworthy so they would not just want to be friends with me and get to know the likes and dislikes. After all isn't everyone just "doing it". And yes I do see a society in teh West that actually is excessive. There is little patience and little awareness and everything is fast, fast, fast. Wanting things just so and now! Demanding, selfish. But I would like to grow away from that. Slow everything down. And when boredom does flit in - be aware of it and rather than let the devlish naughty demanding me slip through that side door, contemplate the boredom. Turn towards the contentment, gratitude, peace, love etc. Ask for help. It's a very powerful force. I can see it more clearly here today.
And I love the way that life is a series of experiences - every day, every minute. Sometimes positive, sometimes negative. But when I say negative that doesn't mean bad. There are difficulties when negativity, that is what I mean by that. Everything has a value, black, white, good, bad, easy, difficult. But Negative seems to demand more energy somehow.
It's such a relief to be able to sense this again. It's so lovely to be able to be so "in touch" again. It was gone for a while to the point of wanting to be dead. It's frightens me that it took over so completely and all I could see was blackness.
Today I have faith. I would like to try and remember that when that difficulty washes over me again that I can call someone else too for some support. But it's amazing how my Higher Power, the Universe operates. Thank you Universe.
I invite growth and change readily but each time I am not preapred for the immense lessons that come along. I get bored whe I am not growing and learning and instead I think it would be useful to observe that boredom and instead of looking for or inviting growth, allow myself the time to simply bob along and enjoy the simplicity. I think it happens as well when I get jealous, when others are getting clarity about things. I think I am being left out. Same with people studying and learnig things that I am not - I have the desire for more. I have the infliction of prefectionism. I have the hardship of impatience. Please Universe I am willing for these to be removed in your time. In the meantime thank you for bringing these to my attention along with my leaking anger. I will continue to observe and put the effort in to do my part in changing.

Phew love light and peace to everyone today.
Bliss
XX

Rains, wild flowers and things

Papparazzi

And another review - this time the Herald

Bliss
XX

Talking away Terrors

"When we face problems or disagreements today, we have to arrive at solutions through dialogue. Dialogue is the only appropriate method. One-sided victory is no longer acceptable. We must work to resolve conflicts in a spirit of reconciliation, always keeping others' interests in mind." The Dalai Lama.

Keep talking openly and honestly and resolution can be found. Even if it means going in opposite directions ....

I had a very horrible dream in the early hours of this morning.
I was sitting in a car that seemed to be raised off the ground. That's when I became aware of the dream anyway. And "they" were rescuing children who had been missing I think. parents were putting their child in the passenger seat beside me, the child had to do something, I am not sure what and then the parent could collect them. This girl who looked absolutely disheveled and dressed in a school uniform was distraught and tried to get out. Her father slammed the door shut and I gave her a big orange jumper to put on. Then I was behind the scenes walking through what appeared to be a slaughter house butchery type thing. There was a lot of blubber on the floor. There was door that did not quite reach the ceiling and the meat and blubber was lying in front of it. Then I realised that someone was pushing the meat and blubber over the top of the door. A plastic wrapped body came over the top. I could see it was a man, bald. He was wrapped in see through plastic sheets. Then a man came from behind the door. He had a foot in a shoe also wrapped in some of the same type of plastic. He realised I was watching. He went back in silently and got a hand. I was trapped and knew he was going to kill me. I was also worried for the girl from the car.
I woke up. I could not get back to sleep without the dream continuing. eventually I obviously did slip into a more peaceful lala land.
I woke and went for a walk, up the hill again behind the church. All the way my dream and conversations from my therapy session were whirring around in my head.
A lot of grunge is stirred up and hopefully then can start to leave me.

Bliss
XX