Fear and control

 Carrie Reichardt

Farmers Delight

A lovely walk this afternoon with the dogs and in the pouring rain. I got soaked. But it was fresh. I loved the feel of it, the smell of it, the sound of it, the look of it. And how appreciative I am of it, when I stop to drink water from the tap, I realise every time how fortunate I am. I never have to feel dehydrated so far.
A dog on the end of the lead pulled me flat on my face. Quite surprised I found myself eating dirt, milliseconds after looking about the beautiful rainy views. The certain brown dog called Harry trotted back quite surprised himself to see me there. Ha!

I don't think rain allows me to be terribly glamorous - oh well.



Bliss
XX

Schiele

Exhibition Egon Schiele. Women - 19 May to 30 June 2011
Tuesday to Saturday, 12 - 5pm
22 Old Bond Street, 2nd Floor, London.

Going next Saturday. Fantastic!

Kafka's Monkey now on Friday and Schiele on Saturday
I am very fortunate!

Negativity Douser

Better than ruling the whole world, better than going to heaven, better than lordship over the universe, is an irreversible commitment to the Way.
Dhammapada v. 178

Ajahn Munindo says ...
Unconditioned freedom: a quality of being not dependent on any condition whatsoever. Whatever the circumstances, fortunate or unfortunate, the heart remains at ease, radiant, clear-seeing, sensitive and strong. It is a commitment that is irreversible, unshakable and real; beyond all of deluded ego's obsessions. To arrive at this level of resolve requires constant observation of our old habits, for example: the fondness of being in control of everything, addiction to passing pleasures, obsession with power. We work with what we have. Each time we find ourselves distracted we refocus our commitment to the Way.

What do I read and understand from this? I think there are a few things. The biggest is acceptance. Acceptance of the way things are , how people are and that includes me. Not criticising myself for the way I am in a sense of a beating up but being aware and conscious, accepting that's how it is and then deciding the things are I don't like and what can I do to change. This also means accepting that I cannot change people, places or things. All I can ever do is change me or my behaviour, attitude, beliefs. For instance I don't like the way my dad was speaking to me. I cannot change that. But what I can do is change my reaction and instead notice the way I feel, accept that and say something to him to tell him how his action affects me. He then has the opportunity to react or respond. My acceptance around that is then seeing what happens and moving away from him if it continues. I did this when realising that each time I called him by phone he was ruder to me than when he called me. I had a lot of assumptions as to why but knew I would never get an honest answer about that so there was no point in trying to find out. But what I could do was say how I felt about this and I told him that I wouldn't phone him anymore. There was a change in attitude from him slightly. Perhaps he is in a better place to reflect on such matters, who knows. But over recent years these little changes have contributed to greater changes.
With regard to the unconditioned freedom, I see that again this acceptance of things the way they are, not trying to manipulate. The situation is what it is, sometimes positive and sometimes not. If I can accept things as they are my heart will remain "at ease, radiant, clear-seeing, sensitive and strong." I do not have to deny my emotional response. Instead if I accept how I feel about any situation I can respond appropriately. This may mean letting it go and moving on, doing something, saying something. For example my friend was saying accepting leaves me vulnerable to be walked over politically. Uh uh. This is not what acceptance means to me. Acceptance means that I can listen carefully to how I feel about a political stand point and then do something if I so wish. For example I listen to my heart more and more when I hear the things that are being changed by this coalition Government. I know I disagree with much of it. That I much more interested in better quality for all yet I am locked into the material world of wanting things. So I am not being unrealistic and talking the talk. As yet I accept I do not know how to move forward with my thoughts and beliefs. They are there to be changed too. Just because I think and feel this way now does not mean I am unteachable or unmovable. So I am not beating myself up for being where I am with this. Even if I am actually not doing anything specific. What I know at this time is what I feel comfortable within myself believing in. I do have very skeptical thoughts about politicians. There is always dirt to be dug up and mistakes they make that seem less ethically or principle driven and more about self gain. I may be wrong though as I am not inside their heads. All I can do at the moment is keep questioning and not just follow because I don't know.
And yes I agree with Ajahn Munindo (he he he). Maintaining the inner peace through acceptance requires continuous practice. Staying conscious is something that leaves me so easily when I don't maintain little daily, weekly routines. For instance I have not managed to get to Chithurst in a while. I want to go to enjoy shared time in silence. There is something wonderful about that. It is OK practicing here with myself. But there is the effort involved in getting there that plays as much a part of staying conscious as practicing here too. And being in the environment raises the opportunity to breathe it all in.




A text to my friend in response the her saying that if I am looking for a soulmate she will start making new friends again to fill the gap that I leave when involved with a man. I felt dreadful realising this reality.
Pah! The passing men have not been soulmates. Youch it is horrid to think that is what I have caused you to feel. I am truly sorry. I feel that dig deeply. As I felt it to when my dad said how he was affected by my behaviour involving men. I do NOT want to be that person anymore. That will be difficult to trust I know as I have said never again all my life.
I am horrified how the desire of a relationship and the desire of tastes in food are sometimes stronger than temptation itself. I am utterly powerless and I do feel this now. I get confused and it's the difference between temptation and healthy interaction with food and men that I want to work towards. I sometimes get despondent when I re engage with how old I am and what's the point. The point is that in a moment I can be inspired by just what happens - a beautiful sky, a wonderful quote, an incredible painting, an exciting play, a funny thought, loving friendship, - at times just stopping and embracing the creativity around me is the point. I can lose the point so quickly, the passion in me can be doused with a single negative thought. And I would like to learn how to challenge this negativity and not feed it.

Oh did I write already about the pain in my arm that left me barely able to use my arm yesterday. I was thinking that it might be some kind of strange virus as I was feeling unwell at the same time. Just before my dad called to say that yes he would like to meet. I took some paracetamol and whilst the pain in my arm was still there and very painful, it did subside. And the general feeling of malaise also lifted slightly. Today the pain has shifted. It is gone completely from my arm (and my knee before that) and is now in my neck and head and a little in my right arm now. It's odd! It's wither a very strange virus attacking muscles or bones or both or something. or maybe it's hormones. I am learning how powerful hormones are and recently I have been swollen tummied again and hungry. Where I didn't even think about sweet things I am constantly fighting off the desire and I cannot shift any more weight right now. I am also lower in energy levels. Noticeably.
I am trying not to let this be a reason to feel down although I do. And just by acknowledging that and writing it I can adjust.

OK studying for a while ........

Just realised that there is a fine line between consciousness and tripping into analysing whch can become paralysing.

Bliss
xx

I was so diappointed.  Arriving at the Young Vic, very excited, we were informed that the performance had been cancelled. Kathryn Hunter has been unwell. ML will check her diary as they are expecting performances on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. ML and I believe we can go on Friday. I will have to leave work promptly. I will perhaps drive to Woking station and get the train to Waterloo this time.
Instead we went for something to wat. Not our best choice of restaurant. And then went for a driving tour of London. Cruising, looking at the buildings. I think more people should look up and see what is above the eye line. As I was driving I could not take photos.

These are the Angel cards I picked this morning

Soulmate and Focus fell out of the pack. Study and Forgiveness came out stuck together.

Bliss
XX

Clues to where your destiny lies

Listen to the little clues....

Doodles, pages falling open in a book, people we meet and places we get to.
Whatever you feel has the power. So if you feel fear, it has the power.
Learn to recognise the fear and then draw on faith and trust.



Common People - Jarvis Cocker - Pulp.

She came from Greece she had a thirst for knowledge
She studied sculpture at Saint Martin's College
That's where I caught her eye
She told me that her Dad was loaded
I said in that case I'll have a rum and coke-cola
She said fine and in thirty seconds time she said

I want to live like common people
I want to do whatever common people do
I want to sleep with common people
I want to sleep with common people like you

Well what else could I do - I said I'll see what I can do
I took her to a supermarket
I don't know why but I had to start it somewhere, so it started there
I said pretend you've got no money
She just laughed and said oh you're so funny
I said yeah? Well I can't see anyone else smiling in here
Are you sure you want to live like common people
You want to see whatever common people see
You want to sleep with common people
You want to sleep with common people like me

But she didn't understand
She just smiled and held my hand

Rent a flat above a shop, cut your hair and get a job
Smoke some fags and play some pool, pretend you never went to school
But still you'll never get it right
'Cos when you're laid in bed at night watching roaches climb the wall
If you call your Dad he could stop it all
You'll never live like common people
You'll never do what common people do
You'll never fail like common people
You'll never watch your life slide out of view
And dance and drink and screw
Because there's nothing else to do

Sing along with the common people
Sing along and it might just get you thru'
Laugh along with the common people
Laugh along even though they're laughing at you
And the stupid things that you do
Because you think that poor is cool

Like a dog lying in a corner
They will bite you and never warn you, look out
They'll tear your insides out
'Cos everybody hates a tourist
Especially one who thinks it all such a laugh
And the chip stains and grease will come out in the bath
You will never understand
How it feels to live your life with no meaning or control
And with nowhere left to go
You are amazed that they exist
And they burn so bright whilst you can only wonder why

Wanna live like common people like you

I was talking with a friend about the film Never Let Me Go - he was likening it to the vast differences between the rich and the poor. I think he has an anger about this means it's difficult for me sometimes to pick through jealousy and resentment to keep the main point. I agree with the fundamental point but not the jealousy and blame. So yes these lines "You will never understand. How it feels to live your life with no meaning or control" ... are really biting. Money can buy a degree of freedom, a big degree of freedom compared with the lives of the poor. There is no way out. And I can see his point with the film. The clones have no choices and are in the grips of the "originals". Whilst it isn;t the point JB was making, I wonder if in the book the originals are those with money or if everyone has a clone. I imagine on the monied as someone is having to pay for the keeping of their clone in readiness ...
And so it is a point within a bigger point if that is the case. It's certainly not a point I saw clearly in the film but can liken the inevitability of the clones whilst the "originals" live on. And how on earth as Charlotte Rampling states would it be possible to ask people to return to Cancer, motor neuron diseases etc. The more people gain the more they want and the less likely they are to give up on things. I can certainly relate that to politics and states. People have things and stuff - they do not want to give this up for the sake of a more equal and united world. No, no, no.
I am in there. Here I am with two computers. How baffling. Will I give one away - nah! B ut I feel it sticking in my conscience despite the lack of drive to change the situation. I did give my computer away to a more deserving home when I got my laptop. HB and little HB still have it and it meant that they were able to be online and little HB will be even more computer literate. She is an incredibly bright kid. So is HB but somehow her addiction and health and self esteem have kept her trapped in a similar way - no hopers as there is not the medical support to get truly well. Just managed along with the others. We are the common people. Trapped and tricked into believing there is freedom. However, there is freedom of mind and with faith.

The Goldsmiths Dross

Gradually, gradually, a moment at a time, the wise remove their own impurities as a goldsmith removes their dross.
Dhammapada v.239

Ajahn Munindo says ....
No amount of wishing things were otherwise gives us what we long for. We want the pure gold of pristine awareness so we need to enter the fires of purification. This verse instructs us on how to watch over the burning: too much heat - we are trying too hard - enduring heedlessly we get hurt in out practice. Not enough heat - shying away from difficulties - following preferences for comfort and ease, there is no improvement in our practice. We just become more foolish as the years go by. Our habits are the dross and with gradual fine-tuning of our effort we learn letting go. The aim of all this work is the realisation of the state of luminous awareness. We then have something inherently valuable to share with others.

I have to get on a get my place cleaned in readiness for my new laptop delivery this morning. But first I will take a moment to reflect on this verse.
Oh I spent the early hours of this morning dreaming partly in wakefulness and mainly in sleep I think. I was dreaming about the film I saw last night Never Let Me Go. There is sadness and something else I cannot out a name to or even describe I don't think. It's a sort of floaty feeling. Not as in in floating freely but a sort of lost wistful floating.
It certainly has had an affect on me.
I also am really weirdly hurting. My shoulder started being a nuisance ache about 2 days ago. Now it is very very painful. This morning I could only sleep in certain positions and I can barely move my arm before it is excruciating pain. What the hell is this? I can't recall doing anything in particular. I am not sure that it isn't related to hormones. I say this because just a few days ago my knee starting hurting unreasonably and for no apparent reason. I thought maybe I had twisted it or something along those lines. I had trouble putting full weight on it in certain positions for instance putting that leg down first going up a step. How peculiar. of course, I started thinking too much about it, and before long I was thinking it was Cancer and I would be offered the chance to have my arm amputated. Crazy thinking huh? I laughed at myself when I eventually rolled out of bed. But even so my arm hurts - a lot!

This reading is a reminder from another verse that wanting brings suffering or in my thoughts disappointment which can be a version of disappointment. The reading also reminds me of perfectionism. The desire to get things done perfectly, have all the shortcomings sorted and removed so becoming perfect. And in order to achieve this perfectionism, trying too hard resulting in a complete burn out of despair and a sense of failure, lowering self-esteem. All this contributing to an unfulfilled sense of life. On the other hand, doing absolutely nothing at all means no change. This too would result in lack of purpose or unfulfillment, lack of worth. If nothing changes, nothing changes as they say in the rooms of the fellowship.
This reading also reminds me of Step 6 and Step 7. Becoming aware of the shortcomings and in time they will go. Awareness to me is always 50% of the journey. The more aware I am then the more willing I become to make changes. With willingness, change will surely come about because I will put in action. However, this is where I have to let go as it is not in my time that the change takes place. Change occurs with time and practice. So none of these things can be taken in isolation. Awareness by itself is not enough. Allowing for time and experience and probably some degree of pain, emotionally and spiritually as well as mentally is sure to be a part of it. Most changes come about through a degree of pain otherwise there is no need to change anything.
The things we need to change are mainly learnt, practiced and developed shortcomings. They probably once served a purpose after all we have got this far. However, if they are now bringing pain to ourselves or indeed to someone else that in turn hurts us, then it is time to take stock, become responsible and make changes.
What do you think?
I wish some of the readers would make comments. I am interested in others opinions too as this helps me to grow beyond my own mind.

I am meeting my father later today. He left a message finally. I had been thinking that maybe he had decided to break contact with me. The last meeting was very painful for both of us. Today he wants to return the photos he borrowed. He sounded upbeat and cheerful on the phone. Nothing specific was said. I explained I am having my laptop delivered some time this morning. So I will call him when that's done and we will meet in Petersfield for a coffee.
I am wanting to thank him for pointing out the ways in which my behaviours and attitudes had affected him. I then want to say how sorry I am. I am already very aware that my behaviour over the years has not been good and know that it's had an impact on many people and on choices I have made. I am very sorry for many things as a result.
I will try to be specific - I know he referred to having sleepless nights when I was living with them. I was getting crazier and crazier at that point and I can own those events. I am not sure how to own the sex and love addiction. And how much detail is actually required but in AA it's about being honest and saying sorry. I have changed enormously in many areas. Of course the craziness that resulted after meeting with JH last year was not wellness. I fell in love and the hurt of the fallout almost destroyed me again. From that point of view things are getting worse. Hence I am desperate to do whatever it takes to get me well. Things are shifting. Blimey with my dad things are changing beyond anything I thought possible.
What I fin strangest of all though is that right now I want to make amends for my own behaviour. I also feel there is a shift of focus from my dad. BUT what on earth do I do with the anger I feel. Previously I have felt blame and resentment and rage. And it was placed onto him. I am raging as well at the loss of him when I lost my mum. I am angry that he seems to have detached himself which appears as if he doesn't love me and was just glad to get away from all that was mum.

Anyway today is perhaps not the right day to make my verbal amends. I can try to just be more breezy with him without avoiding matters raised last time. I don;t want to be walled up either. I feel a little freer but that is because I have expectations again which of course can lead to disappointment. I think I will have tapped into his own guilt I don't know. That is an assumption as I see my dad has difficulty with himself. He is very self conscious and it comes out in anger and even hatred towards others. Keep them away so as not to be exposed. I see that.
Whenever he asks me what I have been up to I am cagey. I will try to be more me. What have I been up to? Working hard and trying to study as well. Got 75% in my last assignment. Disappointed not doing better i.e. a first but this is a 2.1 and I am working full time as well. I am thinking about working 4 days a week for the next 2 years. And I am feeling jealous that my friend will complete her degree next year and can then consider her MA already. Jealous yes but really pleased for her growth and development. She may someday be able to feel free enough to get her creative writing out into the public arena. I would love to read her work.
I have a real interest in the arts- literature, poetry theatre, music, paintings. I love going to galleries but haven't been able to go this month. I did get to the book slam with friends on Thursday. I loved laughing as I listened. Those sort of things I can talk about. And the things going on at work. The hope to get recognised for the senior support I give my team leader but not having had time to speak with the Manager. And the counter transference with the denial in the clients right now. Concerns about what to do in the future. Just so uncertain. I can talk about all of these things with him and share my feelings about this as I go along. I do not need his approval to feel about these things. He may not be able to deal with them but I don't need him to. I manage them and with help from people who can hear me and support me.

OK I need to go and hoover.

Bliss
XX