Language as a way to communicate

Wow! What an interesting discussion this morning arising from T being curious in a childlike way, a manner I would probably not ask for fear of being thought of as stupid or and this is a biggy, getting an unsatisfactory reply, no debate. The question was "I wonder why there are so many little languages and so many languages?". I will need to write more about what escalated from here. It rose to a crescendo point when it was clear T was feeling offended by something M had said. This was said whilst I was out at the car finding the paperwork to establish what we are responsible for as we prepare to leave. We need to depart the cottage by 10:30.
As always I was up at 6:00, phoned my sponsor at 6:15. I talked about the bracken or the fern situation yesterday, whilst on the steam train from Pant to a lake and back again. I want to write more about that too but I'm sneaking this post in whilst the others are finalising their readiness to leave. I had loads of time to get ready. I like being ready with time to spare. I had time to chat and debate and discuss. My meal was ready last night. I had just a few things to pack and I believe I have everything. I ant to be ready before everyone else and out of the way because I think this way I don't get into the frenzy of what's done and what's not. So here I am with some time to write.
I started reading M's Sylvia Plath book. Very interesting, the foreword by Ted Hughes. I like his writing although there seems to be a knowledge of Sylvia, of course having been her husband and the father of their children. But there is also a distinct lack of emotion in what he writes about her. It is a foreword I suppose. Having had such a supposedly torrent relationship, you'd have thought there would be more passion in what he writes about her. Perhaps the suggestion is that he didn't highly rate her writing. I get the impression he was very egotistical. And I also think I've got the impression but without knowledge that he was a womaniser or should I say liked women, a lot of them and therefore was not faithful.
The result is that I'd like to continue reading that book at some point.
So I have lots more to write about yesterday. Observations of self whilst out and about - the steam train and the caves and then Swansea and Mumbles. Finally home, fire, Scrabble and bed.
Discussions and events have been so good for me. I'm feeling safer and safer to practise being more me.
Thank you God.
So until later .... signing off from Pantygelli, 4 miles from Abergavenny as I prepare to clean up and load the car, with a visit around Abergavenny itself. There's a Castle and an Abbey to see. Maybe we will stop somewhere else en route when we stop for lunch and then we're going to have a meal out this evening.
Oh I am feeling as if I've put on some more size which will mean weight too. I forgot to mention tis to my sponsor. I get scared and yet I think I could do with a little more roundedness. Who ever would have thought I'd be saying that. I just need to accept myself as I am and it's so much easier with slim than fat.

Bye for now
Bliss
XX

Miracles

Miracles 19th Juy 2012 (written in Word first as there ws no Internet signal)

Phew! I was sooooooooooooo tired. We set off from home for Merthyr Tydfil about 6pm. Not a long turnaround from our demanding walk. I noticed that T was quite excitable and on the journey M was joining her. I didn’t feel up there. I started to feel separated, sitting in the back quietly was good enough for me.

We arrived at the AA meeting and it seemed we had contributed to more than doubling the usual attendance. They said there was normally 3 or 4. Here were the three of us plus 2 characters visiting from Cardiff, although clearly well known to this meeting. I loved listening to Deborah’s accent. I think in the past I’ve mocked the Welsh accent. Rude me. And this brings me to yesterdays Twenty-Four Hour a Day reading about not gossiping or criticising.

I made a conscious effort to change any thoughts of criticism and not to gossip. I was aware of others going down that line and when there were raised eyebrows at someone else’s expense, I was able to ask in a light-hearted way I think what this meant or that directly with the person. And then I stepped aside from it all. But, and oh yes there’s a BUT of the bigger variety, what I did do was judge the others for being critical. Ha! I didn’t notice until I heard my tone this morning when speaking with my sponsor. God please help me to stop this comparison. I think it has been useful in seeing the differences but it’s to be stopped as soon as I notice it.

I also spoke about the way in which I felt slightly detached from the other two last evening in the car and even when we go home. I think the way in which I turned on myself for getting lost started it. But also being tired I just wanted to have down time and be quieter. It’s OK. Otherwise I turn on myself more and then as my sponsor says this turns into my head lowering, despondency creeping in and then there is not the will or the ability to be, do and enjoy. So lift my head up and be. Lovely.

My sponsor talked about faith being an action. And I read in Bill’s Story about having the willingness to turn to the God of my understanding. Of my understanding being the important thing. Like Bill I really believe that Jesus existed, and the equivalent person through other belief systems too. And with their incredible humility and wisdom it’s doubtless that they were very special people. Hence the direct link with God. The Dalai Lama is another of those people. And I really enjoy the teachings and what I can learn from them if I listen and apply them. There’s the need for action again. Nothing spiritual occurs as a result of reading it in a book or sitting and listening.

So I need to practise my faith. I am practising when I remember to get on my knees and ask for God to enter my life. The serenity then flows. I could have asked God to help yesterday when we were lost. I did have faith that we’d arrive somewhere that would get us out of the spot we were in. And it did happen. I didn’t turn to God directly.

I would really like to be in more conscious contact with God. God please help me reach out to you. I truly know you are there. In the shape and form that I believe in you which is more abstract and unnecessary to define. That’s a release in itself.

The reading this morning suggests the need to believe in miracles for other people. I do. I am praying for people in my life to have everything they desire. Then the negativity in me becomes jealous. What about me? And that’s another reminder that I have not practised gratitude. I am very grateful for this break this week. I feel relaxed and far away from the stress of my work environment. I am grateful for the time to observe myself interacting with people and practise doing things differently. I am grateful for the opportunity to explore a little area and enjoy the discoveries. I am grateful to be around creative people and allow myself to do a little of each. They’ve done their degrees in their area of speciality and I am able to dip into their worlds. Even though I feel as if I’m not in the middle of it. I am grateful.

OK I think I will end my writings there for today. We are off towards Merthyr Tydfil again for a ride on a train pulled by a steam engine. Then we will head for Swansea – a visit to the show caves and hopefully a walk around Swansea. Lunch en route, dinner back here and then a visit to the pub!

I am grateful for my abstinence.

Bliss

XX

Precise and immutable law!

Precise and immutable law – there has to be a Power at work here!

Having just read a few paragraphs of the Big Book, this paragraph stood out for me.

“...I was not an atheist. Few people really are, for that means blind faith in the strange proposition that this universe originated in a cipher and aimlessly rushes nowhere. My intellectual heroes, the chemists, the astronomers, even the evolutionists, suggested vast laws and forces at work. Despite contrary indications, I had little doubt that a mighty purpose and rhythm underlay all. How could there be so much of precise and immutable law, and no intelligence? I simply had to believe in a Spirit of the Universe, who knew neither time nor limitation...”

Part of Bill’s Story, the first story in the Big Book, after the Dr’s Opinion which cleverly points out the physical illness of addiction, his story tells of a hopeless sot really. Functioning, successful, but quickly becoming a hopeless sot. I’m reading a few paragraphs per day and attempting to really take in something of the very useful and meaningful things he wrote.

It could be that everything in the Universe happens by accident, but even if it has there are forces at play. It’s not happening by magic. And it’s these Universal forces that I believe in. And somehow as Bill says it’s difficult to think it really is just a force that is happening without some awareness. Not a conscious being as we humans tend to think. I do not think we are in the form of God as the Bible suggests. But in terms of life itself we are in the form of this Spiritual force. The very essence of life cells and connected with the plant. We cannot survive as beings without the planet, we are dependant. However, the planet is not dependant on us. Some animals have been made dependant on us, however they would survive as species without us.

So I believe. And then I need to turn to that belief with faith. Believing is one thing. Really having faith is another. So I believe there is a spiritual intelligence. A Universe “who knew neither time nor limitation”. That is the next step. I haven’t read what Bill does but for me right now I am stopping starting with the practice of bringing God or my belief of the Greater Universe into my life. However, I am starting. I need to pray this morning and this is my reminder. Please wait whilst I break for morning prayers. Thank you.

That feels better already. It’s strange how it works but suddenly I feel more connected by actually stopping and talking to God.

Within my prayers this morning was as request to help me to be more as suggested in the daily reading today. “I pray that I may walk humbly with God. I pray that I may rely on His grace to carry me through.” However, this is on a re-read as in my prayers it was particularly focused on being united as a group and part of this involves neither gossiping nor criticising.  I have noticed how in my head I do this and thankfully these days I am learning how to keep my mouth shut. Instead I am refocusing and questioning of myself why a particularly attitude or behaviour may affect me. It’s interesting how T’s seeming selfishness affects me. She wants what she wants and when she wants it she goes straight to it without thinking of others. Now we have had some discussions about culture and she has explained that there is much more politeness in the British culture. However she was alarmed on her first arrival in the UK when people didn’t thank her after a meal but tended to thank at the end of an evening. For example children visiting her kids would have tea and then not say thank you. However, they would always say “thank you for having me” at the end of their visit and T came to learn that this included thanks for the meal. Hmm, well I think there is some lack of politeness involved in that too.

It’s interesting too that T has a way that encourages these discussions. It’s not critical, it’s pointing out differences. I must listen more closely to the ways in which she does that. She does not criticise the differences either. I tend to be critical in my thought; therefore if I don’t stop that prior to opening my mouth it comes out in a critical way. It happens in my work as well. I am therefore hoping that God will help me to find ways to raise my questions without sounding critical. Hence in my prayers I asked God to help me to remove my criticisms. There are differences between the three of us. And oh how I loathe when I jump in and say oh yes I’ve done that too or yes that’s me. I am listening more and attempting to find ways to question rather than have to relate. Thanks to M she attempted to tell me about the over-relating I do rather than simply listening. I am trying to be more conscious of this. Sometimes it is difficult to listen when someone is in a dilemma or pain or something along those lines. Why is it difficult? Because I don’t like to hear people to be in pain or difficulty and something in me thinks they want or need me to solve the problem. But I can’t. I do have similar experiences of course and I do have experiences of solutions too. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that’s what people want to hear. People want to be heard first. I know that myself.

I am quite enjoying sitting in the back seat of the car and listening to the other two in the front. There are times when I think they get on better than me. It oscillates from T liking M more than me which means I will be left out of the loop. Then there are other times when I think M will like T more than me and I won’t be such a good friend anymore. It’s crazy thinking and I can change my thinking to be happy that two of my friends can get on so well.

We set off after lunch. We did a fair bit of travelling about and I was conscious that M was driving a lot. We left here for one of the largest natural lakes in Wales. It was near Bwlch. How can the Welsh use so few vowels and get away with it? I wonder if they have deep influences in their language from some of the Eastern European places. If I had time this morning I’d do some quick research on the origins of the language. It’s not a new discovery of course, me asking these questions. But it once again reminds me of the fact that the language we have is merely a way of making clicks and ah’s using the shape of our mouth and how as humans we have developed this together. I have been alert to listen for Welsh speaking. In Merthyr Tydfil, I noticed a language not familiar so assume it was Welsh. At times it sounded like European. And when T started reading signs she sounded very familiar with the language although of course is not at all.

The lake was actually at Llangors. We drove through Crickhowell, where the Green Man Festival is held. Was that about 2008 when M, J and I went? I think it was as after that J cut contact with us. And that still hurts. Mainly because I just don’t know why? It’s unfinished business and smarts with me. I just need t let go as there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. We got out of the car and M discovered boats for hire. I was nervous about the idea although I didn’t state my anxiety. In the end we left as the boat hire place was closed. Thank you God, ha ha ha. We couldn’t find a walk and at that I really wasn’t feeling very active. I think I’d been dozing in the car and didn’t quite get everything working properly in my body. I am noticing how I am feeling older and slower but I am very grateful to still be very active. Poor T is pain. I noticed she was finding the lighter difficult to push down, it was stiff she said. M and I looked at each other. It’s not my place to suggest maybe she might get her bones checked out? Anyway, we took a look for a path to a church we could see but decided to drive there instead. Again it was funny listening to T and M debating which routes and roads, T very insistent that she could map read and has been doing so for her entire life. M was suspicious. I think I’m the only one who can really do it so it was good to simply hand that over and go along for the journey. Dozily. I am dozing a lot. I am such a controlling person. I need to step back more but not so much that I’m not involved at all. Where is he balance – yet again? As we were stopped and those two were debating the road and whether we should turn around a very friendly local asked if we were lost. We said we were heading towards Brecon. Of course we were a long way from Brecon in “local yokel’s” books, I thought. He raised an eyebrow I think. He started giving us all variations of routes, very friendly. I swore I heard him say that we could even go down the road we were facing down and go past his house. I asked him if we should pop in for a cuppa. He said his brother was there, laughingly. The other two didn’t hear him say that at all. Did I imagine it? They were laughing at me. I thought it funny that he said it.

We got to Brecon and drove through it and then went on to a National park. It was a long Welsh name and without access to the Internet right at this moment I cannot find the name. We took a short walk up the hill. A hill opposite was covered in very low cloud and so respectfully we decided to “stick to the path not the moor” as people get lost. T was explaining that people tend to go around in circles when disorientated. How interesting. I wonder why? Something else to research some time. I was interested that the earth seemed red. Full of iron of course. Iron and tin were mined in Wales. However they are called the Black Mountains wither side of the Brecon Beacons, and I associated this with coal. The towns don’t appear as I would imagine coal mining towns. My images are created from scenes in films from northern coal mining towns I guess. For some reason I am fascinated by the soils. And even more interested to see some surface mining. T was interested as to why we have stopped mining. Expense of labour I believe. And then we debated the dangers of coal mining. What if the hill started to burn? Would t just keep burning as it’s fuel? What makes the fuel? After all wood burns easily so what makes the coal so burnable?

We then decided to go to Merthyr Tydfil and as we drove there I was researching fellowship meetings. The plan being that we go on a steam train journey followed by a meeting.

Well it’s all gone awry but worked out in the end. Setting off for our walk to Ysgyryd Fawr (Skirrid Mountain). T decided to come too but with the proviso she’d turn back home if her leg got too bad. M and I made it. We got to the tope and walk along the very top, amidst the clouds and such strong winds. We turned for home and got a bit lost. It felt such a pressure on me as the “self-designated” map reader. It was funny earlier on in the walk when M was saying sorry for having doubted T’s map reading skills the day before and then T went and chose the wrong routes. M made comment and at that point T said “don’t you make mistakes”. I felt good about myself though as I had stayed quiet when T took over and decided on the paths. But I had a strong feeling it was wrong and when I could I turned us all around and selected the right path. It’s a really good feeling. But then it goes beyond just the feeling of actually “I can do this”. It becomes” see how clever I am and that makes me a really worthy person. I need to be right. M and I got to the top but then as we had crossed fields with horses and M had been scared I suggested we returned via the road. Man! Did I lose us! We ended up walking up a stream, M’s feet sopping. Then we had to cross a field with horses anyway. Actually two mares with their foals. They were friendly and delightful and again I felt so good to be able to be steady and consider M’s fear. We go home eventually but I did get stressed with the sense of responsibility. We had set off probably about 9:30. I had rushed writing and not completed my thoughts before leaving. Hence this reads as if it’s continuous. We didn’t get back until approximately 13:30 maybe even closer to 14:00. Tired and very hungry I got out of my wet clothes and rapidly prepared my lunch. It was disappointing food considering I was so hungry.  Furthermore, and ever so worrying, my knee started to hurt. At points I didn’t think I could get my leg over the stiles as my knee just hurt too much to bend. And walking in long grass that had blown over was excruciating. Perhaps it’s arthritis. That’s horrid!! More things I have to adjust to about getting older. Poop.

There are times when I think I’m twice the size of T and then other times I think I’m too skinny and not shapely at all. I know how awful I feel when I am overweight and people are talking about sized when they are thinner. It leaves me feeling dreadful so M had asked that we didn’t talk about it.

Mrs Smith, friendly, cheerful Mrs Smith is here along with her five children. Hey seem to range from about 7 or 8 upto about 15 or 16. We haven’t seen them all, merely glimpses of them. Boy is she hard working. Backwards and forwards to the washing room. She rents out two little cottages. The one we are in and one next door. There is another larger looking lodge a little further down the farm. Then there is the guy with the Smiley earring who lives in a couple of caravans. Probably over rehearsed he told the travellers “I came here 21 years ago on holiday and I’ve never left”. The fact that he came from just around the corner made it seem a really odd thing to have done. The holiday on the farm not the part where he had decided to stay. Many a time people decide to stay permanently where they have been holidaying. “Live with my wife, and do odd things here on the farm, plus a removal tomorrow and some building somewhere else.” Where’s his wife though? Oh and children too. What a place though. What he did say, almost embarrassed and looking cautiously for a brief moment towards the house and lowering his voice, “she’s on her own with the five kids”. So that was how the news broke that she had five children and also eradicated all the questions about who Mr Smith is. “He lives in Abergavenny”.

Last evening Mrs Smith was all dolled up and very bright-eyed. She was distracted when stopping momentarily to chat, as if not really taking anything in and abrupt like she had certainly not been until this moment. Preoccupied but it seemed in a dreamy eyed way. She was surely meeting a man. Or maybe a woman. Maybe that’s why Mr Smith left. Mrs Smith had been having an affair with a woman. However, I think if she is having an affair it’s occurred after Mr Smith left. She is just one of those practical and very homely looking women. I see pain in her eyes despite her incredible friendliness. She was even worrying when the women were seemingly late from an early morning walk.

Mrs Smith had married Mr Smith pretty young. They were in their early twenties. She is only early forties now. And with all those kids. Mr Smith inherited the family farm and they settled into running this business. Farming was enduring an took it’s toll on the relationship. Where had the romance gone? Where did all that joy of the early days of meeting and courting fade too. Instead being replaced with home making, children and hard work. Then when Mr Smith met his floozy, in town, it revitalised him but devastated Mrs Smith. The children too, feeling sombre, they watch their hard-working mum, prepare beds, clean the cottages, direct the farm workers and try to make ends meet. She looks tired. They are good children, helping around the house and keeping out of harms way. They rarely see their dad now. It’s seems to be an impermanent arrangement. Mr Smith will be coming back but no one knows exactly when.

Mrs Smith has no time for hobbies and interests. But now with the cottages and the fishing lake, she is starting to have a good income. It’s hard work but it’s more than paying it’s way despite the drenched out summer. Does she really want Mr Smith back? Certainly not right now with this new romantic interest. It’s nothing very committed but it’s a lot of fun. You can see that in her eyes if you stop to look on “those” nights out.

And the next day she’s really buoyant. A spring in her step. Work is easier somehow. Things are funnier and there are no worries. In fact even the anger towards Mr Smith diminishes in the aftermath of a wonderful evening out.

Well this is all in my imagination of course. Just a little idea from a brief word and encounter.

Bliss

XX

Bath to Abergavenny

I AM so relaxed. I AM in the right place today. Can you believe it? The sun is shining this morning. So far we have been pretty lucky with the sun the being out occasionally. Amazingly so when packing up the care from the yurt. It had rained all through the night. I wished I had recorded the sound on the canvas. I will post any photos I have once I get home as I've forgotten the connecting cable. Oh I may be able to download from the disk. I'll try later.
Things I've noticed is how I react to T needing to do things for herself, there and then! Whatever anyone else is doing. My first thought is that she is thoughtless of others and selfish. But in reality she just wants to d what she wants to do. Of course I realise there are times when she hasn't heard or understood everything that's been said and I get a little arsey. I am keeping my mouth closed. And this is where I'm not so clear yet where the balance for me is. When do I keep my mouth closed and when do I say where something is actually inappropriate. Like the incident with L and the stapler. Have I written about that?
Well on Friday at work ... yes work is still on my mind but already changing .. I was sitting on the computer writing my notes. L had already been having a "bad" day. S and I had returned from the Process Group to listen to her troubles, she even cried. L appears very stressed. We tried to encourage her to go home as she was also talking about ill she has been feeling, etc, etc. I suggested she took an hour out just to have a break. No, no, no. I recognised myself. All the problems in the world but wanting to stay I the problems and huff and puff. Interesting because I often think it's because no one is hearing me so I have to insist and even exaggerate the problem. But it's me. It's anger I suspect and a need for attention of some sort even. That's what it seemed like. Just lots of huffing and puffing and moaning and groaning but not wanting to take any of the good suggestions S and I had for her. Anyway, it was after all of that I started working on the comp and stepped aside. I had already realised the futility of suggestions and it was starting to seem as if we were being sucked in by even making different suggestions, one after another. So I had my back to the scenario and quietened. We had been criticised of course for the way we had done group. But L is having to step aside from the clinical work simply because she really has so much of her own work to do. And staying to 10 or 11 each evening its taking it's toll. She seems to me to burning herself out. Anyway, distraction, distraction. I had my back to the office when L said "I want to throw something". There was a tone in her voice that was jokey. Or so I thought. Maybe it was actually destructive, I can't be sure but in the next instant she said, "like this" and suddenly there was a loud BANG! as she had thrown a metal stapler across the room with such voracity that it really banged against the cupboard door next to me. S was shouting and said she was leaving the office. It interested me that despite this I carried on. As if it would all go away if I just stayed still and acted as if I was affected. It was so inappropriate. I wanted to say "now that's inappropriate". It was!
I wonder if it was light-hearted and wanting to express her frustrations and not vicious. Although I do see a vicious side to her. It was difficult to read. I think she has ideas that she thinks would be clever to act out on but I am relating to that to me. It's as if I have an idea and because I think it's funny or wild then others will too. Often there has been impropriety in my behaviour and I've been quite ashamed of my behaviour then. I was interested in my reaction. As the impact of it hit me afterwards and then spent days telling people over and over again. And emphasising how crazy I thought her behaviour was. I seemed to need it as a vindication of my own thoughts about her. A real example of how dreadful she can be. I don't mean to neglect the generosity of L and how she has introduced some great ideas and her frankness with family members involved with the addicts. It's as if she's furious with the addicts unless she can take them under her wing and influence them. I so disagree with that you see. Wanting to control.
Anyway surely this is out of my system. It is really because I feel as if I'm writing it purely for the fact it needs to be noted as a point of something that happened and not because I am working through it anymore. I'm bored of it. Just to finish though, lots of people I've recounted the event to have strongly suggested I should report it. Well I'm on holiday and S had said that she would probably report it. I would back her up 100 per cent but it's actually good for me to stand back and not be the hero of the day or the saviour of the team. It was wrong, that was clear from S's and everyone elses reaction. I wasn't sure of that. I don't want to over react and I'm not sure of that boundary within me as I can be over dramatic (histrionic would be the psychiatric label given to me) so stepping aside and observing has already been useful in seeing this unknown in me.
So Sunday morning came. T seemed to have misunderstood the intended collection time at the station.A part of me wondered if this was her stubbornness. I think I identify that. She just does it her way regardless without talking about what she thinks and feels. And probably my suspicion is aroused by something about the way I can respond to things I don't like so much. Anyway they arrived and once we have managed to get everything squidged into the mini, off we set towards Bath. We arrived in good time to sit in Holbourne House car park and eat our lunches. We had all prepared them in our little boxes. And then into Holbourne House. M and I walked about and commented on the portrait sculptures. T was in pain, something she's been experiencing more and more in her thigh. So she took herself off without having really engaged with the exhibition. She had commented already that she isn't so interested in portraits.
I enjoyed it. Again things I've never considered before were highlighted to me. There were ancient pieces from Greece and Rome, there was a waxwork of Henry Moore. I found this quite sad really as in his own work he had been sculpting portraits but the article there was commenting on the fact that he seemed to veer away from precise reconstructions of a person or body, instead creating a representative form. And yet here he was, precisely recreated in wax. It was eerie and to be able to get close up to the wax work was interesting.
Back to T taking herself off to sit. It was good for me not to succumb to that. I have a sort of irritation when someone is unwell and not wanting to do something, as if they are controlling me somehow. Getting their own way without actually saying they don't want to do this or that. It is difficult to read T for me. perhaps I just need to ask more questions. For instance just this moment I said I hope you don't think me rude but I'm just doing my writing before I take a shower. Her reaction was to simply ask a question about it. But she has got herself a magazine and sitting eating her breakfast silently reading and I think she must be fed up with me/us both doing something quietly to ourselves.
Gosh I over think things. I think .... we're on holiday I shouldn't be doing this. But I wanted to record the events of the last few days as I recall them because it changes as time passes.
So after the gallery we set off to the campsite. The yurt was pleasantly large and OK. There were snails and spiders. Yuch! And it was flipping cold. We dumped some of ur bedding things in there and after a short while headed back into Bath in search of methylated spirits for M's burner and gas for my little stove. We found neither but in the end we did what? We.......... uhmmmm. Memory blank. Oh yes we returned to Bath and did a torchlit tour of the Roman baths. It was very interesting. I remember visiting many years ago and not really engaging with the whole thing. The age of it, the reality of it. Here we were standing amongst structures that were over 2000 years old. The Romans had discovered this natural hot spring and turned it into something to indulge their self care and pleasure. It was quite incredible. I guess they built the structures and then channelled the waters. The taste of it was pleasant but not either.
I realise I can look at many things without actually taking in the full meaning it has. When in Egypt I did get myself transported back 4000 years and I attempted to do that whilst in the Roman baths. Try to make it come to live as it was. It was difficult because I didn't want to share that with the other two in case they thought thoughts about. And also the way it's been restructured for the sake of tourism is a killer of the reality. However, I could see some of it without the need for the corny films. Listening to Bill Bryson's commentary was reasonably useful although again I realised I didn't listen to the content just the sound because I thought I should. How strange I can be.
Back to the yurt, we lit a camp fire. I was very, very dozy. When did we eat our dinners. I can't remember now. I think we may have eaten it before the torchlit (rather over hyped and under phenomenal) tour through the baths.
I fell asleep in front of the fire. The air bed I'd invested in was worth it. T and I shared. I did get cold and woke up a lot through the night, trying to wrap myself deeper into my sleeping bag. Eeeek the thought of slugs and spiders and beetles and snails was appalling. I'm ever so glad I didn't need to walk to the loos. Although often my reason for that is that they are not very nice to be in. The facilities at this camp were in fact very good. It was rustic and natural and woody. I liked it.
Monday - M's birthday. I got the pressies from the car. M deliberated and delayed and chatted. It seemed anything other than open her pressies. She did say that she felt embarrassed and liked opening her presents on her own. I remembered that she has said before that her face shows her disappointment. So what? Isn't that the truth. It's something to be grateful for that people give gifts but it doesn't mean the gift has to be liked. I had bought her something she had asked for and a little notebook that was not cheap but not supposed to be a wow type present. I have also bought a canvas of street art connected with the Olympics. A sort of maker of her 43rd birthday in the year of the Olympics. Oh the book she'd asked for was sort of a graduation and birthday all in one. I hope it will assist M achieve her dreams of being a writer and filmmaker etc. She wants to create. I believe she has it in her to do and gradually see her getting there. Yes I am a little jealous. I want it for her more than anything, for her to achieve her dreams and I pray for that for her. I would want something lovely for myself but I want so many different thins, I'm too diverse in a way. I see that I'm interested in so many things, I can diversify which in itself is good. There isn't enough time in the world though to pursue my interests the the degree I am interested. I get quite intense and only then feel satisfied that I am learning and growing in the interest. Interesting ha ha ha ha!
We had lunch for M's birthday at the Pump Room, attached to the Roman Baths and the room built in the 1700's for people to receive the waters, believed to be healing of course. But people were dissatisfied with the facilities because nothing was there for the time when the water started to work i.e. toilets as the emptying process began. I took two cups of the water the evening before and aside from feeling a very soft mouth, I don't think it helped in any emptying out for me.
So after lunch we walked around Bath Abbey. Beautiful. We had found a fantastic book shop. M saw a book created by Ron can't remember his surname, but she knows him very well. M talks about lots of her contacts as she visits places. Sometimes I am jealous but I am beginning to adjust my thoughts. This is her background and her reasons for mentioning these things I don't know but can often result in the person talking with us about other interesting things and leads on to more and more. I rarely do that as it feels as if there is some boasting going on from me. I think I've often thought my mum and dad were boasting. I know my dad hated my mum striking up any conversations or connections. All peculiar. I keep things to myself. Where is the fine line of balance? I am still questioning all of this.
Anyway we left Bath and travelled probably less than an hour to Abergavenny. After shopping for food provisions we arrived in Hen-ty. It's a lovely cottage. Spacious and charming. Part of an old farm, the husband's family farm. It's warm with the wood burner burning. It's very livable. I like the fact that I don't have my clutter around me and so it's clean and tidy. I need to de-clutter. But then there are things to have and to keep. I see things for sale now that I've actually de-cluttered int he past and they are worthy. I feel bereft often when I think of things I've given away or thrown away. Now they are collectibles and appreciated. I liked them but didn't value them.
After a Tarot reading for T in which I see a struggle and wanting things her way, I dozed in front of the wood burner and the voices of T and M fading into the distance. I literally crawled to bed I was so tired. And for the first time in a while I felt warm.
There was one thing that was dubious about my food. As I hadn't had my yoghurt at lunchtime I had it in the evening and with lots of pear even though I was cutting away lots of bruised and horrible bits. It was probably more than one pear. Right now I am not inclined to tell my sponsor. Why? Because I don't want to go back to day 1 of 90. I don't think it's necessary. I certainly realised the absolute importance of not being influenced by other people partly doing the programme of FA. The belligerence in a way is how I see it. Someone who disrespects rules. It's not even being wild and carefree it's arrogance. It doesn't matter to me what anyone else is doing. I know this food programme is working for me.
I feel the right size to be able to allow myself to be on holiday. That may mean nothing to anyone else. But I do feel as if I'm in the right body. I an wear my clothes comfortably and with ease. All I have to do is eat my abstinent food and keep the addict in me from the desires. Those desires are my limitations for sure.
Oh I missed my AWOL. I made that decisions and even though I was scared of being judged by B, I told her I made that decision. I already had before we left for Bath on Sunday. I was glad t get honest about that.
So off the shower ready for the day ahead. Tomorrow I need to make my call whilst out walking int eh morning glory. I hope it is morning glory but M will lend me her key sot hat I can sit in the car if it's raining. Then I can be freer to say what's actually on my mind.
Mind ramblings from a holiday trip with friends even when I have unfriendly judgemental thoughts.

Bliss
XX
  

Virtues

The cardinal virtues are a set of four virtues recognized in the writings of Classical Antiquity and in Christian tradition. These consist of:
Prudence - able to judge between actions with regard to appropriate actions at a given time
Justice - proper moderation between self-interest and the rights and needs of others
Temperance or Restraint - practicing self-control, abstention, and moderation
Fortitude or Courage - forbearance, endurance, and ability to confront fear and uncertainty, or intimidation
These were derived initially from Plato's scheme (see Protagoras 330b, which also includes piety (hosiotes)); expanded on by Cicero, and adapted by Saint Ambrose, Augustine of Hippo, and Thomas Aquinas (see Summa Theologica II(I).61). The term "cardinal" comes from the Latin cardo or hinge; the cardinal virtues are so called because they are hinges upon which the door of the moral life swings.
http://www.hyoomik.com/ethics/cardinalvirtues.html
The Four Cardinal Virtues in General
The term "virtue" is from Latin and originally meant "strength" or "power". It is based on the word vir - man.. The ancient Greeks, starting with Homer, praised virtue. The Greek term for virtue was arete, and the earliest writers applied it particularly to fortitude in battle, and secondarily to wisdom. Aristotle developed a whole science of the virtues, but he was not inventing the virtues, but drawing from his culture. His description of the virtues is not merely a reflection of ancient Greek culture. When we study the virtues, we are not putting ancient customs into a Petri dish, but we are drawing upon the insight of the ancient Greeks into the human condition in general. The virtues praised by the Greeks are known to all cultures. For example, you will find many of the same insights in the Old Testament, in particular the book of Proverbs and the book of Wisdom. You could find the praise of these virtues in every culture, but Aristotle is outstanding because he took a scientific look at the virtues as part of his study of human nature.
The four cardinal virtues of Prudence, Justice, Fortitude and Temperance are interconnected. This means that if you do not possess one of them, all the others are spoiled, and so you do not possess virtue at all. A few examples. A man might know what is good, know what he must do to get good results, but if he lacks temperance his decisions will be swayed by his love of pleasure. Or a man might be willing to risk his life, yet his actions are not guided by a right purpose. A bank robber who risks his life is not a prudent man, and so he is not truly a brave man.
The other point about the virtues is that in many cases we cannot say precisely where virtue lies. The right measure is very difficult to achieve, and it is often different for different individuals. The idea of "The Golden Mean" is that in our actions we must seek the right measure and proportion. Excess or defect is a departure from virtue.
Prudence in Particular

Prudence is the most important of the four cardinal virtues. The most important part of prudence is knowledge. The shortest definition of prudence is recta ratio agilbilium - right reason about things to be done. Prudence is not theoretical knowledge, such as philosophical wisdom, but practical knowledge. Prudence is not concerned only with universal and unchanging truths, but also with the singular, unique and variable things of daily life. A person can be wise when he reasons about the meaning and purpose of life, yet because of inexperience he cannot yet make good decisions in real-life situations. He must know how to apply universal principles in daily situations. A person who possesses prudence cannot easily impart to others his art of making good decisions. He cannot always even explain his own processes of thought, but after long practice he has a feeling for what he should do. When we know something in this way, it called connatural knowledge, and it is important in the moral life. For example, a child who is brought up in a certain way will understand many things about life without needing to be told. Thomas Aquinas lists many different components of prudence, but we will limit ourselves to three:
MEMORY - in order to know the meaning of the present, we must have a good memory of the past.
DOCILITY - we must remain open to reality, always willing to learn as situations change.
CLEAR-HEADED DECISIVENESS - prudence is not merely knowing what we should do, but also making the decision in a timely way.
Although we should learn basic principles of action, we cannot put in a book or code what should be done in each and every situation. There was an approach to ethics, called Casuistry that tried to do this, popular among the Jesuits. However, this approach is not useful in real situations, because it is not possible to anticipate all possible circumstances.
Justice in Particular
Justice is the virtue whereby we give to each person what is due to him, and we do this consistently, promptly and pleasurably. For a simple example, a just person wants to pay his bills on time, and he has a feeling of satisfaction when he is able to do so. Justice is the social virtue. It concerns right relations with others in society. What is just is summed up in a simple motto: cuique suum - to each his own, but it not always easy to establish what we owe to others. The simplest obligations are defined by the natural law, and that is based on the natural inclinations of each man, for example, to stay alive, to be part of society, to grow in knowledge. We have obligations therefore not to deprive others of life or health. We should not deprive others of the necessary means to stay alive, even though this may involve complex social issues. We owe the truth to others, and at least a basic minimum of friendship as members of the same society. By the same token, others owe these things to us. A further conclusion. If I have a right to life, I also have the right to use the necessary means to defend my right against an unjust aggressor. Thomas Higgins (p. 246) also mentions certain goods that we may value as much as life itself.
material goods of great value: things necessary to support life or maintain's our state in life.
personal liberty.
chastity
integrity of limb.
If there is any progress in Western Civilization, it is not in our technology, because that can be used for man or against man, and so it is morally neutral, but in increased knowledge and recognition of human rights.
Some things are owed to others not by natural right, but because of a contract. In general, it is good to keep agreements, and a person who does so is considered to be loyal and trustworthy. However, this is not always the case. I may have agreed always to stand by and support a friend, but it would be wrong to do so if by doing so I would be an accomplice in wrong-doing.
The three divisions of justice according to the parties involved are:
legal justice - what the individual owes to society as a whole. Generally speaking, these are the obligations defined by the law of the land. Exceptions would be when the law requires someone to do something that is morally wrong, in which case he must obey the higher law. Over and above the requirements of law, a citizen should also be civic-minded, willing to participate in the political process and concerned about the welfare of the community.
commutative justice - what one individual owes to another. First, he must respect the natural rights of other individuals. Second, he may have obligations that arise because of an agreement or contract. These obligations are usually clear-cut.
distributive justice - what the society owes to individuals. In some cases, this is simple. Equal protection under the law, for example. However, there are complex situations. For example, the state would have the right under certain extreme circumstances to expropriate property, in which case it must give fair compensation. If individuals or groups of individuals have been unjustly deprived of their rights, some sort of compensation is due to them, but how much and for how long is difficult to settle. The person who acts in the name of the community does not act in his own name. If he shows special favor to certain individuals or groups, he is acting unjustly, and this is called "respect of persons". For this reason, the person who is in charge of the common good must keep a certain distance and play his role. One thing that destroys justice is informality. For example, if a judge or police officer, or for that matter a professor, allows some people to address him on a first name basis, he risks subverting justice. It does not matter if such familiarity does not affect his official decisions. It can give scandal to others. An old proverb says that it is not enough for a thing to be just, it must also appear just.

There are certain situations where we have debts that we cannot possibly repay. For example, what we owe to God, to our country, to our parents and teachers. In these cases we must always remember that any actions we perform fall short. It is not possible to say to God that we have paid back what we owe, that now we are even, and likewise in the other cases. In ordinary English we do not have a single term for all of these things, but we have the word "Piety", which at one time covered all these things. Thomas Aquinas writes:
A man becomes the debtor of others according to their different excellences and the diverse benefits received from them. Now, on both counts, God holds the highest place: He is most excellent and he is the first principle of our existence and our governance. Secondarily, however, the sources of our being and governance are our parents and country; from whom, and in which, we were born and raised. And so, after God, man is most indebted to his parents and country. Hence, just as the act of showing reverence to God belongs to religion, so on a secondary level the showing of reverence to parents and country belongs to piety. Under the reverence of parents is included the respect for all blood relatives, because they are called such by virtue of their descent from the same parents. ... Under the reverence of country is understood respect for all fellow citizens and friends of one's country.
(Thomas Aquinas, On the Perfection of the Spiritual Life, ch. 13. in The Pocket Aquinas, p. 258).
Fortitude
Fortitude is synonymous with courage and bravery. It must be based on justice. The purpose of fortitude is to remove obstacles to justice. In its extreme form, it is the willingness and readiness to risk one's life for the sake of that which is just. Justice can be destroyed in two ways. First, because something pleasant draws us away from what is just, and it is the purpose of temperance to govern our desire for pleasure. In the second way, we may be unwilling to do what is just because we face some difficult obstacle. Fortitude enables us to face these difficulties for the sake of justice. A brave person still has fear. Fear is the natural reaction to anything that threatens us, and it is necessary in the face of evil. It is unreasonable to say that we can extinguish all our fears simply by positive thinking. The brave man acts in the face of his reasonable fear. While the most obvious part of fortitude is to attack evil at the risk of injury or death, the more important part is to stand firm patiently in the face of threats. Fortitude is principally in the mind, because the brave man must hold firmly to the thought of some future good when all he faces in the present is evil. He can and should harness his emotional powers to cooperate. For that reason, the brave person uses his anger in his actions in order to act or to stand firm.
In the ancient world, the Stoic philosophers praised virtue and taught that we should develop the power of our mind to face all difficulties with equanimity. They disparaged emotion, and taught that the wise man should shut out anger and other strong emotions from his soul. They even called the passions sicknesses of the soul. Immanuel Kant was following the Stoic philosophers when he said that the man who acted for the sake of happiness had a "pathological will". Aristotle and the philosophers who followed him said that the virtuous man will be angry, but that his anger must be ruled by reason. The brave man must have an intelligent anger.
The vices opposed to fortitude are cowardice as the defect, and fearlessness and recklessness are both defects. In the coward, fear overcomes his reason and prevents him from doing what he should do for the sake of justice. The fearless person is not precisely brave, because the brave person knows the risks he faces, has a respectful fear of them, and acts in the face of his fears. The reckless person rushes into battle in an untimely way, ready to risk everything even when this is not the best course.
Perserverance or standing firm is the most necessary part of fortitude, and the most common. According to the philosophers (Aristotle and Aquinas), perserverance is undermined by a soft life. The person who indulges in pleasure and always avoids discomfort will be unwilling to put up with the sadness he must experience if he is to stand firm in difficulty. For this reason, part of military training and monastic life is to do without many of the superfluous comforts of daily life. Also, there is an excess of perseverance which is a vice, and this is obstinacy. A stubborn person may "stick to his guns", but he is persevering at something even when he should yield to others.
The Virtue of Temperance
The virtue of temperance governs our appetites for pleasure. By nature we desire the pleasure that is suitable to us. Since man by definition is rational, the pleasures that are in accord with reason are suitable to man. Temperance does not restrain us from the pleasures that are reasonable, but from those that are contrary to our reason. Temperance does not act against our natural human inclinations, but works with them. Temperance is opposed to the inclinations of nature when they are like a beast that is not ruled by reason.
First and foremost, temperance governs the pleasures of the senses, and especially the sense of touch. These are the greatest and most forceful pleasures, because our sense of touch is closest to our existence, and it is also involved in reproduction, and so is concerned with the existence of offspring. The other senses are not as forceful. For example, the glutton is not motivated by the taste of food, but by the feeling of a full stomach.
The virtue of temperance also requires us to prepare ourselves. There is a place for asceticism in daily life. I've already mentioned how soft-living can undermine fortititude. Temperance requires us to train ourselves and prepare ourselves even when we are not faced with an immediate temptation. For this reason, Thomas Aquinas teaches that fasting is not merely a religious custom, but it is part of the natural law. All men are required to develop the virtue of temperance and govern their desire for pleasure by reason, and so all must take the necessary steps to prepare themselves. The purpose of fasting and other ascetical practices is not to destroy our natural inclinations, but to become master of them. He even writes that if a man would be committing a sin if he fasted to the point where he actually lost his sexual desire.
A lack of temperance undermines prudence, and if prudence is destroyed, all the virtues are undermined. Temperance itself needs to be nurtured, and this is part of the role of culture. If we are surrounded by images of self-indulgence and appeals to our senses, our reason is undermined. The mass media deliberately exploit our desires, but there is a saying: no injury is done if the other party was willing . We can select what we want to watch, and when we watch television or use the Internet, we can choose to reflect upon what we see or to surrender our judgment. A culture of temperance will be reflected in the way we speak and act as well.
While temperance primarily concerns tactile pleasures, it also concerns our emotions. Part of temperance is to control our anger. Part of temperance is to govern our sexual desire, and temperance in that department is generally called chastity. Chastity is not synonymous with celibacy, but it means governing our sexual desire in accordance with our state in life. Temperance also concerns our desire for knowledge. An uncontrolled desire is curiosity, exemplified as Ulysses who took ten years to return home because he was always seeking new adventures and experiences. The right measure is called studiosity or studiousness, which is the disciplined search for the truth. It is also possible for our natural desire for the truth to be dulled because of a life of comfort and pleasure, and then we may suffer from a dullness of the intellect for which we are morally responsible.

Was it really that bad?

Putting down food has been so far a remarkable journey. And I thought it was all about body image, for instance weight and size. Or about control, either lack of control and greed or total control and starvation and the use of laxatives. I never really did vomit. But I caned the laxatives. When I discovered them I thought I had found the "answer to all my prayers" as they say around the rooms of AA. I could eat and then the food could be disposed of rapidly. And I mean really at high speed. I found them in my mum's cupboard. I can remember the packet. They've changed the packaging these days and even changed the ingredients, if that's the correct term. It sounds too "foody" maybe, as if they are made of nice combinations when I use the word ingredients. Chemical components perhaps makes it sound more medicinal.  I was using them for something beyond medicinal. The packaging was red and white and long. The pills themselves looked like large red Smarties and had a sweet tasting coating. How old was I? Maybe mid to late teens. My dad and I were going to lakeside, a show my mum had acquired tickets for. It was a man hypnotising the audience. I remember how thrilled and excited my mum was that SE had been so easily hypnotised and how funny it had been. I really wanted to be susceptible but I wasn't. I also recall worrying that people would think I was out with this man and they wouldn't realise he was my dad. I was in a stage of being a yon g woman and wanting to look that part and yet there was this vile relationship with my dad that sickens me now. It was all unsaid. And I didn't want to be looking too provocative with him beside me. This makes the corners of my mouth screw up in discomfort as I'm writing it. It was all inappropriate but also so subtle that it can seem ridiculous of me to be thinking all these sordid, twisted things, as if it was me and my fault all along. I was 17 or 18 now I must have been as SE must have been living and working with my mum, it could even have been later as SE had briefly worked for BA and then somehow got involved with my mum. I hated that she moved into my bedroom and there was a definite link between SE and my mum. My mum did become very close with people that were around my age of similar. I didn't mind so much as it kept her off my back in some ways, which as I was actively involved in behaviours I thought she would disapprove of me, was convenient. You see it's always got to be on my terms. When needy I wanted her 100% and when I was off gallivanting and up to no good, I didn't appreciate her attention and fuss. I think they were her me replacement as I was getting more distant in some ways. I would get very jealous though and reclaim her. I wanted all of her attention. In later years I think I was far more confident that she was there for me in her way.  My mum was away travelling somewhere ("again!", she says resentfully yet also with delight for my mum's sake. I have such a mix of feelings with my mum. I can feel sad, lonely and angry for me but this immediately negated when I think of my mum being happy and wanting her to be OK and enjoying herself). I discovered these laxatives and took a couple. This meant that after I'd eaten the food was disposed of and I felt thin. It felt a if my tummy became concave and there was the wonderful feeling of emptiness. So I'd had the joy of the tastes, anything I wanted as it became and then the glory of being emptied afterwards. The problem was that very soon I needed more than two laxatives and my mum's were all gone before she returned. No one ever noticed or said anything to enquire where the laxatives were. I used to think that my parents really didn't know what was in the house with things like this. I would quietly take things and it would all go by unnoticed or so I thought. I got the impression somehow that I could get away with it. This escalated when I "borrowed" things more often from other people and didn't return their things hoping that they'd forgotten. They too rarely said anything. I did steal things as well. Eek, it's so uncomfortable taking ownership of these things. I was one helluva a mixed up kid which went into adolescence and adult years/. I still smart at the time  stole ML's jeans and also the raincoat from school. I knew I was stealing and then hiding the goods. After ML returned to Paris I boldly wore her jeans until my mum noticed. She never did question me, not really but I know she was suspicious. I'd never her seen that look at me before, almost in suspicious disbelief. What is the word for that, there must be a single word that describes that look as we have such a wonderfully, colourful vocabulary.
Looking in the Thesaurus doesn't always work. How do people learn new words like this?
Sorry, I keep digressing from the main point, a little like Ronnie Corbett, but that's another story entirely. There I go again. Gosh I can remember how my mum laughed at these two. My dad too. But my mum would repeatedly laugh about little Ronnie's dancing legs. That tickled her.
What was the point I was writing about? Oh yes, perhaps I need to unwind backwards as I have digressed far from starting point. So to tell a little more about the laxatives. I think the start of taking the laxatives was like a very fine silk veil falling softly over me, almost unnoticed apart from what seemed like the benefits of being able to eat and knowing that I could keep control of my weight. Have my cake and eat it sort of thing. I used laxatives off and on from then. Sometimes more off than on for lengthy periods. Mainly in the beginning the use of laxatives worked as a bridge between overeating to get me into starvation. It worked because I'd start to feel thinner immediately and so I'd gain control over the eating, reducing and reducing intake. It's as if the feeling of emptiness was so, so wonderful that I could sustain it easier with every day. And of course I could then sustain that in reality for only a limited period of time before the food intake would start creeping up. But to begin with I wouldn't put on any weight or only very gradually. It gave a false sense of security that I could eat and stay thin. How I envied those types that were stick thin and fragile, bony looking types who cold look quite pathetic in the cold. Do you know the sort I mean? But I loved that look, there seemed something helpless about them that needed looking after. And people did seem to or maybe that was in my imagination. I wanted to be a little girl that people attended to. I wonder if that is connected with the absence of my mum from quite young. I can't quite remember how young I was but have a feeling it was from about 7 and 1/2 when we first moved to Farnham, 1977. I seem to recall my mum working part time for a while but soon got into the longer days. I would come home from school and she would leave a tray of things for me to eat. I also know that it wasn't long before I'd root around for more fodder. I think it was loneliness and boredom. But again I wanted my mum to be happy and she seemed so happy being at work. She was a somebody and she thrived on that. I can see that.
So the veil landed in the use of food to feed the emptiness in the house and absence of my mum. Then the laxatives fulfilled the need to be slim because after all my mum was always dieting and my dad was unpleasant about size. It was particularly difficult as I was going into late teenage years and changing shape. This coincided with my dad noticing my different shapes evident by his derogatory comments, his inappropriate sexual attention of course, and disparaging remarks towards my mum or anyone overweight. I should mention that he also has had a problem with his weight, shape and size, so I've no doubt today that his issues were more with himself but turned outwards and projected on to everyone else. However, understanding that does not make it forgivable especially as he has never before considered he may be the problem. Well I say that with the memory of saying "it's all my fault" when I was in the P Hospital. And also telling me at various stages of my life that he should never have had children. I have internalised that as him not wanting me specifically. I have learnt that it's not personal but of course it lands personally because he doesn't know how not to make it personal. He does not have that self awareness or discipline.
I'd love to be writing this as a piece of fictional literature, turning into a fascinating web of fictional story telling. But I think it;s just a need to empty myself of all of these thoughts and memories.
I am still not back to the main points but wish to continue with the realisations I am having regarding laxatives. I have sort of flash memories only of the progression of my use of laxatives. I recall when living with AV in Ealing I was using laxatives heavily. He enjoyed photography and was taking some photos of me in a very, very short leather skirt that I could only wear when very thin. It was not only short but tight fitting and I thought it was essential to be able to see my hip bones through the leather. The shoot was of the skirt and my legs in stockings and wearing very high heels, inspired by Tina Turners album cover. What is the album name?  Ah of course, Private Dancer. I was using a lot of laxatives by this time. I mean strips and strips per day. I think there were 16 pills or more to a strip. Anyway whilst he was taking photos, a pain that had been niggling in my back to the side became excruciating. I thought I was dying it was so bad. I can still recall the pain today which I find fascinating that physical pain can still be remembered. Especially when reference is made regularly to the fact that women tend to forget the pain of childbirth. Anyhow, AV rushed me to A&E. Oh my gosh I remember them asking me if I was pregnant. I wasn't entirely sure and hoped not so when they asked and I thought the x-ray could be a way for any pregnancy to abort, I said "no". They x-rayed me and I recall seeing them looking at my x-ray pointing, thinking they could see a baby. Anyway, the pain was a kidney stone. They said they had no idea how I had a kidney stone but I truly felt deep within me, something intuitive, that it was linked with my use of laxatives. I have a firm belief about that. But of course I often don't trust instincts because I also am so uncertainty hat my thoughts, memories and feelings are real. Which is a point I wanted to write about. But to finish the story of the laxatives. I remember sitting on a paper mache potty on a table with a gauze over the op. They wanted me to pass water because apparently the stone was on the move, hence the agony I was in. These must be muddled memories because it surely couldn't be that simple that I went to the toilet, they caught the stone, the pain diminished and all was well. Apart from cystitis which they attributed to the stone and a kidney infection caused by the stone grazing my kidney. That's how I remember it. I wonder if that's how and what it was actually? Oh I think I remember this hospital bed with the potty on top and me on top of the potty also being in a sort of passing way for doctors and nurses, albeit a curtain was around me. I could see them walking by so they could surely see me perched there.
Another occasion of which I am deeply disgusted involved the very peculiar but regular as clockwork overnighting weekends with DG. I travelled from my annexe at my parents to DG's mother and step-father's, the gorgeous S & T. S would regularly comment about the need for extra toilet rolls as I would be there. I spent so much time in the toilet as there were always sumptuous meals, especially apple pies and custard etc. Of course, laxatives work to a point or so I believe. They can rid of the food but I hated the idea that the quantities with which I ate meant that sugar and carbs would be seeping into my system because there were so many. I took more and more laxatives to try and counter that possibility. I think my weight did increase. Anyway, DG and I would sleep on the settee. That's where he slept. It was a very tortuous relationship. He was pretty damned cold all of the time. We had sex on that settee, the settee where the parents would be sitting the following day. I had used so many laxatives and knew that I was waiting for the emptying but couldn't tell him of course. It was always secret!! But during sex suddenly the release occurred. Oh my gosh, it was embarrassing. I can't tell you how I just wanted the ground to open. And he was desperately clearing up with me because of his worry about his parents hone. Oh wow this is such a horrible memory. It's so horrible I am slightly detached from it, writing it as fact more than emotionally.
There had already been increasingly occasions when I was living in Aylesbury, in my lovely little flat, that I was losing the ability to time the feeling of the emptying approaching and getting to the toilet. And there is an interesting connection, I loved that feeling as it approached emptying time. It was painful and the holding in was all a part of the pleasant yet uncomfortable feeling. And there are parallels of this when I was little. I never wanted to release the "poos". I wold hold on and hold on liking the pain. This resulted in a lot of soiled knickers for which I was told off regularly but never did anything to change it. Neither did anyone ever try to understand the problem. It was a problem and I make links of this with sexual behaviours with my dad. I have no clear link but something coincides.
So the veil handed landed but it wasn't think enough, so more and more laxative veils kept landing as the use augmented. But it wasn't enough. And of course alcohol and drugs helped with the other very potent layer of men and sexual relationships. I was so terribly shy not to mention lacking in any belief that I was attractive or would be attractive to me. If a man paid me any attention at all I was so grateful I gave of myself utterly. He could possess me. But of course, after a period of time the control I had given over became a prison to me and eventually I would start emerging in the shape of rebellion and the desperate need to escape. Relationships after relationship went this way. even right up until the most recent one with JH and all the complete handing over of self. But I couldn't deal with the mistrust, which was also inevitable. How could a man playing such games be entirely trustworthy. I do not blame him at all or hold any resentment anymore. There is in me a "need" like a child for him to love me, like the daughter in me wanting him to think I am a good girl and he will love me after all. There is still the "fucked upness" over the role play and the neediness confused with love and adoration. I will not enter that game for today. This is relevant as he plans a visit to the UK in August, luckily with his kids. I am tempted to suggest we meet but know that it is not healthy for me. The irregular contact has tinges of something for me and continue heartache that he doesn't declare his love for me. It is so similar to my dad situation. An abusive situation with both and yet wanting, wanting their approval and love. Grr at me for being so messed up. I'm not suggesting JH is an abuser or not. No, no I am not making judgement on that. It is me that creates this in me and people fit the role.
It's 10:00 and I need to get on with some cleaning but I still haven't got to the point I wanted to write about. I will get a drink and return to write until 10:30 max.
OK. The kettle is filled with water and switched on to work it's way to boiling the water. Or the short version of that is the kettle is on.
I think I'm ready. That statement in itself maybe something relevant in that I needed to clear the way to start expressing recent revelations. It's true really because as the food is no longer being used, laxatives and alcohol and drugs went some time ago. And actually acting out with men stopped 2 years ago. And with all of that clarity is stirring me from all directions. Everyday is now the lessons that i was ignoring before. I am a late started as a result. Probably things I would have been learning about myself in my late teens and early twenties and so on.
What I am aware of is this need to feel vindicated. But I'm not sure that is entirely the process. Let me try and explain using the situation from yesterday. Well it started a few days ago, although overall it really started in January but hey that would just one big winding journey and I've touched on snippets of it through the year to date. L has been in a bad mood for a few days. To quantify that, a worse mood. She was picking on me over the preceding days but yesterday both S and I were in for it. Nothing we can do is right at the moment. I'm on holiday from work now for a week. So it helps to download this here and leave it behind as I set off with my friends tomorrow morning. Anyway, all sorts of things were going wrong for her. Finally, she realises she needs to let go of the clinical work and get on with the more managerial tasks she is being delegated. It must be horrid as she is getting further away from what she actually wants to do. One of the reasons I didn't want to do that job. She ha been determined to both and working late as a result. I am pretty certain she gets resentful that Sh and I generally get out of the door as close as we can to the end of our paid hours. After all it's hardly as if we a re rewarded or thanked by the P. Not a good company to work for. I have no shame in writing that in my personal writings. I would not advertise it by speaking broadly but if people come across this so be it. It's the truth. They pay us a wage. It's barely covering my bills but partly that's my choice for living so far from my work place, petrol costs are high. However, we have not had pay increases and sickness is deducted. They have generously given me a study day per month. Not something they have to do when all training is cut. Only special applications will be considered and not many of those. So all in all there is little investment in staff except to get on with a high work load which has been increasing under L's overwork ethic.
So yesterday S and I covered the clinical work. This was amazing that she was letting go. However, we returned to the office and she was despairing. She has so much on. A few time during the year I've mentioned this or that that might need doing only to be battered. Gradually I learnt to step back. Letting go of my need to control. Instead I've been learning and practising little by little to observe. And now it's turning crazy. She was very stressed and whilst I was sitting with my back to her on the computer she said in a funnyish tone that she wanted to throw something and then said "this!" as she violently threw a metal stapler against the cupboard door right next to me. It made such a loud bang. It was frightening. S made a comment about feeling frightened. I was remarkably calm. Am I just so used to such outbursts. I must say there are many similarities with my dad. Anyway, this is the situation. S said it was out of order and wanted to leave the office. S said she needed to calm and get a grip. She had previously been crying and wasn't wanting to take any action to change things in herself. All she could do was continue to say how bad everything was (don't I know I do that myself??). Sounds familiar to me. I asked what she wanted to do and she could only say what she wanted to change outside of her. Hence I had got on with the computer stuff. Everything is a rush so we have little time to process anything that is going on within the office dynamics. That's when the stapler flew. She wouldn't even take a momentary break just to level herself. Not my business.
The point of this for me is that I noticed her sort of funnyish tone. But the action wasn't funny. So I minimised the reality of what happened and yet slowly was aware that it had been a very violent and dangerous thing to do. Nothing untoward happened but that's not really the point is it? I am not sure. But then it was also an example to express dramatically to make people that I speak to realise how extreme things can be. I still don't really know if it's really that bad or not. IN my mind I've normalised it and yet dramatised it all int he same breath. Can that happen? What is this that happens? And yet the drama bit of the situation and within me is the part that says to everyone "See? I'm not crazy and over dramatising". Similarly, with my dad I think everyone will think it's just me being over dramatic and nothing is really that bad. I think everything from younger years was minimised and subdued. I was subdued by them. My dad would do things and never, ever mention it again. My mum would always say it's never as bad as I thought. Oh not about my dad, I don't think she could have known. I really don't actually.
So what is this process I go through of not trusting my own self and not even reacting to somethings until afterwards. It's a part of this suppressing within me. At the time it's not bad and then afterwards it hits me full impact. Same with deaths. At the time I think it's like a traumatised shock, little reaction and then afterwards dramatised fall out. Is that what's happening, a sort of shut down?
But then this is used to get people to see me and see the situation. It's all peculiar.
So realising this doesn't mean I've hit upon the answer. It's a little surprising realisation and to be observed in itself. So this is the way I am. No judgement, goo or bad. It i itself could be me looking for vindication that I am "fucked up". I already know that but it's like I want everyone to know it too. Why? There is nothing more anyone can do. I simply want to be seen for the way I am I suppose.

OK well it's way beyond 10:30, it's nearly 11:00 and little is achieved apart from a cleaned bathroom and slightly cleaned kitchen. There is a lot of tidying and hoovering and shopping and then dropping Looby Lou off. She is sleeping soundly beside me. I love that as she often takes herself off alone these days. At one time she would only ever be beside me day and night. Yep! She slept with me but no more. I wonder why? IN my mind I've neglected her so much that she no longer wants to be near me. She is close with GB but after all she spends every working day there and for 3 1/2 months whilst I was in Spain she lived there 24/7. And then there are the holidays away from her. She is there more hours  than not. I love LouLou and hate seeing her getting old.
I hate that when I was man chasing I left her alone for hours. This was a period from October 1996 for maybe a month or more. Yuch! How could I have done that to her knowing she was such a me dog. It was cruelty.
I feel so sad and sorry for that and glad therefore that she feels safe and secure with GB.

Well any readers I'd be interested to know what your thoughts on my writings here....

Bliss
XX

Holiday yay!

Finally it's booked!
We arrive in this cottage on Monday afternoon. It's near Abergavenny. Looking forward to just being in the company of M & T.
Now it's just working out the windy route there. Hopefully via Bath as I want to visit an Exhibition called Presence: Portrait Sculpture



It's taken a while to finally get something under way and now it's just to find somewhere cheapish to stay in or near Bath for one night.
I feel awkward about meeting T en route but it was agreed with M even though she is taking it that I am blaming her for my awkwardness. I am not. I'm not sure I'm as bothered as her about us all being together for the entire time. On the other hand 3 people can be complicated and in a way it already is without us even having set off. It's my codependency. Worrying about what each of the others want and think and not wanting anyone to be hurt or upset.
I'm sorry M thinks I am blaming her.
This exhibition is at The Holbourne Museum and looks so interesting. Of course other sculptures from Henry Moore and similar are there but also Degas and older sculptures from Ancient Greece and Rome. What a wonder this will be.
M wants to take a steam train ride which runs between Bristol and Bath. I think. I hope.


Anyway the adventure trail is set and anything can now happen.

I am so uncomfortable with the idea of T making her own way and meeting us when we have already spent some time together. That feels odd when normally I wouldn't mind at all. I hadn't considered her not joining us for the entire trip having agreed that she could join us at all. But once M mentioned she would not feel happy spending time in a city with two of us needing to organise our food then it made sense to have the first few days just the two of us. As I thought about it it would be nice to just be M and I and then T join us. And that's what I said. Was I trying to put the onus on M? Yes I probably was. If on the other hand M said it was OK for T to join us from the beginning I wouldn't have that strong an opinion to say no. I would be happy either way. That's the reality I truly would be happy either way.
Bloody hell, it can be so complicated for me trying to keep everyone else happy.
I did say that I was worried that M wouldn't want to go on hols with me if I asked about T joining us at all. My priority is going on hols with her. Why does it get so complicated? Because I try always to keep M happy because she likes things a certain way. I think I would be easy going if it wasn't for wanting to keep people happy and trying to accommodate all their needs.
If it was just me I'd say yeh let's all pile in. It will be fun.
The thing is we are set to go and let's see what will unfold. God please guide me as to how to be.....
Thank you God
Bliss
XX